Chapter 13

Chapter

Thirteen

Ryan pulled into Aelin's driveway at six o'clock on the dot. Compensating for something? She would've laughed at her own joke had his tortured expression from the night before not been branded into her retinas.

His wife had permanent brain damage. The reality of it had kept her up the night before, her thoughts spinning behind her closed eyelids until she had to flick on the light and read to be able to fall asleep.

She thought knowing her situation would satisfy her curiosity, but instead it had only ramped it up. What was he going to do? Was he planning to stay married to her forever? Was she expected to live long? Did Amaya like seeing her, or did it only make everything worse?

That was what did her in. The idea of a ten-year-old girl having to accept that her mom was gone but still alive? In some terrible reality where she couldn't think or act like an adult? He said it happened a few years ago, which meant Amaya had been young the last time her mother had been herself.

All of it was heartbreaking. Add in the guilt she felt over snapping at him for being late for her stupid date, and the first time Aelin teared up was before ten a.m .

The girls scrambled away from the front window where they'd been watching on their knees so they wouldn't get their shoes on the carpet. Aelin hadn't even nagged them to get ready. The second she'd mentioned to Bailey that she got to go to Amaya's house that night, the two of them had become an impromptu mosh pit.

"Hurry! We only have until eight thirty." Amaya leaped to her feet when she hit the hardwood, and Bailey ran to the door after her.

Aelin felt a little bad taking Ryan up on his offer to watch Bailey after the missed date the night before. It wasn't like he'd been gallivanting. Colin, Megan, and Tag had been more than happy to reschedule. When she'd texted, she'd assumed the answer would've been a kind "No thanks," but Megan instead responded with:

We don't have to prep dinner two nights in a row? Yes, please

She'd sent the address of a different restaurant, a Thai fusion place. Aelin opted for the same outfit since she'd already changed into loungewear by the time Ryan showed up to pick up Amaya.

Aelin followed the girls to the front yard.

Ryan stood in front of the car. "What, no hug?"

Amaya was already sliding into the back seat with Bailey. "At home, Dad."

Aelin stood on the steps, her hands in her back pockets. "Thanks for doing this."

Ryan glanced up, and it felt as if she suddenly existed in a vacuum. Her skin pricked as his eyes travelled over her.

He cleared his throat. "You look nice. "

"Thank you." She fought against the urge to adjust her shirt or hair or . . . dodge behind the pillar on the porch. "I'll be back as soon as I can."

"You have my address."

She nodded, thinking about that moment in the elementary school hallway when he'd been so close she could hear his breath.

He opened the car door. "Don't stress about timing. I don't have plans tonight. Just . . . have a good time." Ryan paused as if he was going to say something else, then patted the door and dropped to his seat.

_____

Aelin pulled up to the restaurant Megan had sent her the address for. She parked in the back and walked around to the front entrance. As soon as she stepped through the doors, she was greeted by wooden furnishings, colourful upholstery, and flickering lanterns. Soft, live music floated from a small stage at the back of the room to her right.

"Aelin!" Megan stood and waved from a table near the back. She grinned at the hostess and walked over, her heels clicking on the polished hardwood floors.

If it wouldn't have been for the small cleft in her chin, Megan Moses would've looked nothing like her brother. Aelin wondered if that had anything to do with their ability to remain friends through everything. Her dirty-blond hair fell in waves just past her shoulders, and she wore a blouse that hung off her right shoulder, eighties style.

Megan pulled her into a hug, then moved over for Aelin to sit next to her on the bench. She looked up to find Megan's husband, Tag, and her date for the night, Colin .

Colin watched her with an easy smile that created smile lines at the corners of his eyes. He was clean cut with a close-cropped beard, just a hint of grey in his sideburns. She quickly glanced at Tag, who was sporting a rugged professor look with Harry Potter style spectacles.

"Those are new." Aelin pointed at his glasses, and Tag chuckled.

"Megan bought them for me."

Aelin grinned. "I like them."

"See!" Megan reached across the table and patted his hand, then turned back to Aelin. "Okay, Aelin, this is Colin. Colin, this is Aelin."

Colin put out a hand, and Aelin shook it. "Nice to meet you." He had a nice handshake. Warm. Firm, but not abrasive.

"You, too. I'm so sorry about last night."

Colin waved her off as he pulled his hand back. "Please. I know how it goes."

"You have kids?" Aelin picked up her glass of water and took a sip.

"Uh, no, not yet. But I have a niece and two nephews. My brother and I missed a Blizzard game at the Saddledome because of a lost blanket."

Aelin laughed. "Sounds about right."

"Yeah, and yours was a medical emergency. So please, don't apologize." Megan patted her hip. Aelin hadn't told her the details of what happened with Ryan's wife, but she was glad that it sounded more substantial than Colin's example.

"So you're a dentist?" Aelin searched her memory for anything Megan had told her when she'd been trying to convince her to say yes to a date.

"Yep, I own a practice in the Northeast."

Aelin pointed between Colin and Megan. "And how do you know each other again?"

Megan took a sip from a glass that looked like it held something fruity. "Colin and I go way back. We went to the same church growing up, and our moms were in the same book club."

Colin nodded. "She was the annoying little sister I never had."

Megan gasped. "Hey, I was not annoying."

Colin raised an eyebrow. "You chased me around the church parking lot with a dead squirrel."

Aelin's mouth dropped open. "You picked up a dead squirrel?"

Megan rolled her eyes. "I was nine. It was a phase."

Tag picked up his menu. "Was it, though? You hid in the basement until I came down to get a Dr. Pepper yesterday. I almost shit my pants."

Megan's shoulders shook. "You're just so easy to scare." She turned to Aelin. "He did this thing with his hands, like he was going to karate chop me or something."

Aelin laughed, then scanned the appetizers. "Have you been here before?"

Megan shook her head. "No, but we found out last night that Colin spent three weeks in Thailand on a humanitarian trip last November."

Aelin raised an eyebrow. "Impressive."

Colin shrugged. "A friend of mine found the opportunity, I just tagged along."

"You were doing dental care?" she asked.

"Mmhmm, as much as we could. They retrofitted rooms in an abandoned school so we could set up equipment."

Aelin nodded. "Wow. Was it totally free or discounted?"

"Free. It was almost all extractions. Pretty humbling to see how many people live with the pain of teeth and gum tissue that are rotting out of their heads. Maybe not the best dinner conversation." He huffed a small laugh.

She wasn't pretending to read the menu anymore. "Must have been rewarding."

"Absolutely. "

Megan slapped her menu on the tabletop. "Tell her about the cliff jumping."

Colin launched into his story, his eyes sparkling, his hands gesticulating. He was funny. Charming, but not in an in your face way. He seemed practical, smart, and kind. Put together.

Aelin should have been interested. Attracted, for sure. But as she sat there listening to him talk about climbing a rope ladder up the side of a waterfall, she found herself more concerned with what he was thinking of her than anything else.

Did he look at her and see a mom? She shuddered at the thought, but it was the same one she'd had at the Dusty Rose. She'd been existing in such a small microcosm of the world for so long, she didn't know where she fit outside the walls of her own house. Was she attractive? Was she fun?

That idea was laughable. She didn't know the first thing about being fun if it didn't include playgrounds or craft supplies. Here Colin was talking about his world travels and humanitarian service, and all she had to contribute was her work on a PTA fundraiser and the compost she'd worked into the front garden beds.

Clark's words echoed in her head. Vanilla. Boring. Insecure. She thought of the countless times he'd tried to push her to come out and party, or to have sex on the balcony of their hotel, or to sign up for a meditation retreat that sounded mostly like an acid trip.

All of it disgusted her. He disgusted her. She didn't know what she liked or what she wanted because the last twelve years of her life had been swaddled in him . Did she like spicy food? Did she want to travel around the world? Would she have climbed up the waterfall and jumped? Who the hell knew.

Colin helped them make choices from the menu, and Aelin went with his recommendation, Khao Soi, a Thai coconut curry noodle soup. She ordered it at the same spice level as he did, wondering if she was going to regret it.

Probably. Most likely. But it felt like the right thing to do, because she was on a date for the first time in over fourteen months, damn it. On a date with someone that wasn't Clark for the first time in twelve years, and she wanted to know something about herself for once.

Megan paused in the middle of telling them about a doctor who, after a lunch meeting about a new drug to treat diabetes, asked her if she wanted to come back to his place for an edible and put a hand on her shoulder. "You okay?"

Aelin nodded and forced a smile. "Yeah. Just . . . yeah." She took another sip of her water. She wasn't drinking, not during dinner, and possibly not ever again after the other night at Dusty Rose. She hated that she couldn't remember exactly what she'd said to Ryan, and worse, that she had no witnesses to pump for information. Considering where her brain was at, she wasn't going to chance a lack of filter tonight.

Once dinner arrived and she started eating her soup, crunching the noodles into it like she watched Colin do, she didn't have space in her head to worry about Ryan or Clark or anything else because her lips, tongue, and gum tissue were on fire. She tried to be a good sport, but Colin eventually noticed her nose turning red and her eyes watering so bad, she had to wipe them with her napkin.

He laughed and offered to order a new soup without spice, but she declined. Maybe it was some sick desire to self-destruct, but the plasma in her mouth felt oddly good. When she finished her soup, every part of her seemed to buzz, her insides humming with warmth and her brain less foggy.

"Is this what microdosing feels like?" Aelin wiped her tingling lips with her napkin. Maybe she would've liked that retreat after all.

Colin's grin widened. "I can't believe you ate the whole thing."

"She's a masochist." Megan twirled her Pad Thai noodles on her fork .

It wasn't too far from the truth. Why else would she have taken Clark back after he'd cheated the first time?

Aelin laughed, her head feeling lighter than it had in months. "C'mon, you know I'm only into spanking."

Megan nearly choked on her water, then eyed her bowl suspiciously. "What the hell was in the soup? Comments like that usually only come out of you after ten o'clock."

"Yeah, watch out. After ten o'clock Aelin is feisty." Tag nudged Colin.

Colin leaned back in his chair. "Well, we're definitely not ending the night here, then."

Aelin's pulse quickened as his eyes tracked over her face, dropping just below her jaw, then lifting to her eyes. He was handsome. She placed her napkin in her lap. "Ten o'clock Aelin doesn't come out much anymore, I'm afraid. She has an early bedtime now."

Megan scoffed. "You have a babysitter, right? And it's not like you have to get up super early."

Aelin opened her mouth to give a rebuttal, then stopped. She did have a babysitter. Ryan had even said she shouldn't worry about timing. The idea of showing up later than expected at Ryan's sent a wave rippling under her skin.

She was having a good time, wasn't she? If she showed up late, Ryan would also know she'd been having a good time.

Aelin exhaled. "What are you suggesting?"

"There's a folk music festival at Prince's Island. Goes ‘til eleven I think." Colin raised an eyebrow.

Aelin pulled out her phone and typed a quick message to Ryan.

Hey, dinner's over, but we're thinking about stopping by the music festival. Okay to be out a bit longer ?

She watched her screen, and her heart flipped when she saw the "Read at 7:59" notification appear beneath her message. The three dots appeared, then evaporated. They started again, and that time a message came through.

Sounds good. Girls are doing great.

The top on whatever had been building inside her twisted off, and her shoulders dropped. "I'm all set."

Colin nodded approvingly. "Mango and sticky rice first, though."

_____

The night air was crisp, a perfect beginning of summer evening. They walked the short distance to the park, following the sounds of live music and laughter. Strings of fairy lights hung from the trees, and for a split second, Aelin fell in love with the vision of a different version of herself.

Someone who fit perfectly there. Who knew about folk music and had festivals on her calendar and who said things like, "There's nothing like hearing it live." She would have a nose ring and a tattoo of some deep quote by Aristotle scrawled on her ribs in cursive, and she'd hold hands with men she barely knew because human connection was that imperative for maintaining her feminine energy.

The idea was so intoxicating she didn't even flinch when Colin slipped his palm against hers and asked her to dance. They wove past people sitting on the grass and joined the couples swaying in the makeshift aisles.

Colin slid his arms around her waist, and she looped hers around his neck. "I'm glad we got a do-over."

Aelin nodded, her voice breathy. "Me, too."

He laughed low in her ear. "Megan told me a lot about you, but I think she undersold you."

Aelin's cheeks warmed, the sentiment so flattering she didn't quite know what to do with it. And then, for the first time all night, Bailey settled back at the forefront of her mind, and the fun-loving, fictional woman she'd been constructing disappeared in a poof of smoke.

Colin sighed. "I love this band. They're from Okotoks. I saw them at a bar downtown a few months ago and got hooked."

Aelin smiled. Of course he did.

They danced and chatted for a few more songs, and she held his hand as they walked along the booths next to the river. At ten o'clock, they all walked back to their cars and said their goodbyes. Megan and Tag did their best to escape and give her privacy with Colin, but they passed Aelin's car first. She gave him a hug, and he pecked her cheek. He asked for her number, and she gave it to him, then hopped in her car and punched in Ryan's address.

At every stoplight, the music festival vibes seemed to be digested a little more by the realization that she'd left Ryan watching her daughter until after ten o'clock. What had she been thinking? He'd signed up for a couple of hours, not four.

Her stomach flipped as she parked and jogged to the front door of Ryan's place. She appreciated that his car was in the driveway, so she didn't have to obsessively check whether she had the right house.

She knocked, and after a few long seconds, the door swung open. Ryan stood on the other side of the storm door, his hair tied back, wearing joggers and a T-shirt that made his grey eyes look more blue than usual.

He pushed the door open and motioned for her to come in. "Hey."

"Hey." Aelin kept her voice low, matching his volume. "I'm so sorry. I didn't even realize how late it was."

Ryan shrugged, but his stance was tense. "I told you to take your time." Aelin nodded, scanning the living room. "The girls are asleep in Amaya's room. They were reading in there. Didn't last long."

Aelin's throat tightened. "Oh. Okay."

Ryan turned and walked past the couch into the kitchen. His house had an open ranch floor plan. She loved the minimalist lighting and muted colours on the walls. It felt very . . . him. Though she couldn't put her finger on why.

"Do you want a cup of tea?" he asked. "I just heated up some water."

Aelin nodded, not sure why she was accepting the offer when it was already so late. But Bailey was already sleeping. It wasn't going to make a difference whether she left right then or in ten minutes.

She took off her heels, set her purse next to them, then walked into the kitchen that was illuminated only by a glow from the under-counter lighting and took a seat on one of the stools at the island.

Ryan pulled another mug from the cupboard and filled it with boiling water from the kettle. "I've got peppermint or apple spice."

"Mm. Peppermint."

He nodded and opened a tea bag, then reached across the counter and set the mug in front of her. He repeated the same process with his own tea, then stood across from her, playing with the string as it steeped. "So. Good date?"

A flush crept up her neck. She nodded. "Great."

Ryan's jaw ticked. "Great. "

Aelin blew on her tea. "You say that like you're surprised."

"No." He kept his eyes trained on his mug.

She tightened her grip on the ceramic handle. "‘No' as in you're not surprised or ‘no' as in you didn't say it that way?"

"Does it matter?" He looked up, his eyes stormy.

Aelin's hackles rose. Yeah. It mattered. She just couldn't figure out why. Why should she care if he saw her as someone who could have a good time on a date?

She took a sip of her tea, the mint cooling against her irritated lips. "Probably not."

They sat in silence for a moment. Ryan was the one to break the silence. "I don't remember the last time I went on a date."

She blew out a breath. "Over a year for me."

"Last one with your ex?"

She nodded. "Unfortunately."

His lips curved at the corners. "Were there any good moments?"

Aelin pulled on the tab for her tea bag. "When I was growing up, my mom always used those plastic grocery bags in our washroom trash cans. She had a bag full of them under the sink. Then when I was sixteen, my sister and I went and stayed with our uncle for a month over the summer to work at his vet clinic. A little summer job. My aunt bought these bags that fit the cans perfectly, and they had some kind of deodorizer in them. I stared at them every time I went in the washroom, amazed at how they didn't get pulled or wadded up on the edge of the can." She laid the string back along the side of the mug. "I don't know if that makes sense, but my marriage was kind of like that."

Ryan pressed his hands into the countertop. "Nobody talks about it."

Aelin nodded and took a sip. "My parents divorced when I was little. I didn't have any idea what the options were."

"Maybe you should've looked in more trash cans," Ryan murmured, and Aelin snorted, nearly sloshing her tea over the side of her mug. Maybe she should get that scrawled on her ribs .

"What about you?" she asked.

Ryan drew a deep breath. "Lots of good moments. I think we were happy." He tapped his finger. "Sometimes I think it would've been easier if Kara would've died." Aelin dropped her eyes, and Ryan hissed air through his teeth. "Shit. Sorry, I shouldn't have said that."

She frowned. "Why not? I wish my ex was dead all the time."

Ryan dragged a hand over his hair, tugging at his bun. "Yeah. Well."

Aelin understood what he was getting at. He was still married, and his wife hadn't chosen to blow their marriage apart. Her heart picked up speed. "I took him back the first time because I'd done a shit-ton of research on narcissism. How it's a disease, you know? I told myself he was sick, and I'd promised to stick by him in sickness and in health."

Ryan stilled, his mug halfway to his lips.

Aelin continued, "Then, one day when I had a panic attack in the shower, I realized that staying in the marriage would make it impossible for me to support anyone in sickness or health. I couldn't take care of myself, let alone get Bailey chicken noodle soup when she stayed home from school with the flu."

Ryan watched her, unblinking.

"Anyway. You didn't sign up for the after-ten-o'clock version of me." She took a long drink from her mug and set it on the counter. "I should grab Bailey and get going."

He gave a tight nod, then left his tea and led her down the hall. A nightlight on the dresser gave off a soft, pink glow, making the girls look like cherubs. Aelin knelt down next to Bailey, trying to figure out the best way to hoist her into her arms.

"Here. I can do it," Ryan whispered.

Aelin stood and moved to the side as Ryan dropped into a crouch and pulled Bailey into his arms like she was a ragdoll, cradling her head against his chest. He kept the blanket wrapped over her as he stood and turned toward her .

Holy hell. The sleeves of his T-shirt stretched across his biceps as he smoothed Bailey's hair from her cheek with his thumb.

She didn't realize she was staring until Ryan glanced between her and the door. Right. She spun and exited, nearly smashing her shin against the door frame. She worked to swallow the lump that was suddenly clogging her throat as she strode to the front and slipped her shoes back on. She opened the door, walked straight to her car, and didn't look back.