4. Janta

CHAPTER 4

Janta

B y the time 3 AM rolls around, I've given up on any sort of sleep for the night. I've thrown myself into spreadsheets and meeting notes to rid my mind of one major fact.

Life as I know it has the possibility of soon imploding, pending the paternity test results in the morning. The idea of becoming a father, especially to a child I never knew existed, is overwhelming and downright terrifying.

I pace my bedroom, wracking my brain for details of my encounter with Ashley. It was definitely a one-night thing.

Two horny people at a neighborhood holiday party who had far too much to drink at a party. I don't even think we exchanged pleasantries after the sex. More of just an underlying understanding of, "Hey, thanks for the orgasm, see you around."

Definitely not something I would have thought would have conceived a baby. But we were both drunk. I can't even recall if there was a discussion about birth control, but I'm sure I used a condom. I never go without one. I've got too much at stake to lose.

If I am Lily's father, there will be some serious shit to figure out. Most importantly, how to manage being a parent and maintaining my job. I suspect that bringing a screaming child into countless board meetings would be frowned upon.

I could always hire a nanny. But that would involve some woman I don't know being in my house, my space. I'm not sure I can deal with that.

As I replay all the different scenarios and outcomes in my head, it all circles back to one important thing. If I am indeed her father, I'll step up and ensure she has the best life possible. No child deserves to grow up like I did.

I lost both my parents at a young age. I barely remember my mother, just fleeting images of soft humming and a floral scent. My father was distant, often working late into the night just to put some kind of food on the table, leaving me to raise myself. He died a couple of years after my mom. Everyone said he worked himself to death.

I was the poor kid, the dirty kid. Holidays were forlorn occasions spent with microwaveable meals and books for company. My childhood is one of the main reasons I've worked my ass off to get to where I am today. So myself, and any future children, would never have to do without.

I decide there's no use in driving myself completely mad about it until I have the results in hand. I climb back into bed, desperate to put the thoughts out of my head and finally fall asleep.

The following morning, I'm woken up by a loud knock on the door. Wiping the sleep from my eyes, I drag myself out of bed to answer the door. I pry the door open to a very much awake and irate Rayna, and a screaming Lily in her arms.

Rayna's eyes widen, and she suddenly diverts her vision. Confused, I look down and realize that despite myself being sleep deprived, other parts of me are wide awake and alert, greeting Rayna in my tight boxer briefs.

"Shit, sorry." I stammer. I reach for a blanket from the back of the couch to wrap around my waist and return to the door.

"Watch your language!" Rayna scolds me as she gives me the evil eye. "The clinic called and rescheduled the test for earlier this morning. I would have called you, but seeing as I don't have your number, I can't do that."

"What time do we need to be there?" I ask,

"We're supposed to be there in thirty minutes," she says.

"Give me five minutes, I'll drive," I say.

"No, I'll drive. It takes too long to switch over the car seat," she says as she rushes off the steps.

"Fine."

I shut the front door and run up to the bedroom. As I rush to throw in clothes, my heart is racing from the impending hold the test might have over me. If it is positive, my entire life is about to change.

The drive to the clinic is awkward. Every wail from Lily increases the tension, while Rayna's stony silence speaks volumes. I stare steadfastly out the passenger window, lost in thought.

What if the test confirms I'm Lily's father? How would that change my life? I've always lived alone, focusing solely on my career. Now I may have a child to support and care for.

When we arrive, Rayna hands Lily to me as she sorts out paperwork at the front desk. I bounce her gently to calm her tears, but she only screams louder. All eyes in the waiting room turn disapprovingly in our direction.

When we're finally called back for the test, Rayna takes Lily so I can give a cheek swab sample. The action itself is quick but feels weighted with consequence.

As we return to the hard plastic chairs of the waiting room, the anticipation seems almost unbearable. Rayna fiddles with a loose thread on Lily's shirt while avoiding my stare fixed on them.

Watching Rayna now softly reassuring Lily, makes me realize how much a child needs stability and affection to thrive. The thought of leaving Lily to my solitary fate fills me with nameless dread.

Her delighted giggles and grabby hands seemed to hint at unspoiled joy still left to experience in her young life. But how long until life's storms roll in without an anchor?

The nurse emerges, a somber expression on her face. "I apologize, but we're experiencing delays at the lab. It will take at least 48 hours to process the results."

Rayna slumps back into her chair in dismay. My heart sinks. Two more days of torturous waiting and uncertainty. There has to be something I can do.

"Excuse me. Is there anything I can do to expedite the process? I'm willing to pay whatever it is." Glancing at Rayna, I catch her rolling her eyes like she can't believe that just came out of my mouth. I've learned sometimes you have to use your position for advancement.

"I'm sorry," says the nurse. "But my hands are tied. You can try the next town over, but they dispatch all our samples to the same lab. So you'll have the same issue there."

An awkward silence settles over us as Rayna gathers Lily's things to leave.

When we get in the car, Rayna stares straight ahead, lips pursed tight.

"Is there a problem?" I probe. She's been irritable since before we walked out of the clinic. Lily babbles happily in the backseat, oblivious to the tension.

"A problem? Sure, there's a problem, Janta," she says as her voice rises. "The problem being there's a damn good possibility you're her father, and you don't know the first thing about being any kind of parent. You just flashed your money just to get your way." Her knuckles turn white on the steering wheel.

I feel my defenses rear their ugly head. "So what? My position and my money get me what I want any other time. I figured it wouldn't hurt to speed up the process if I could," I say, sounding like a pompous jackass.

She laughs and looks right at me. "A fancy title and all the money in the world can't make someone a decent father. And that's what Lily would need from you. Not a silver spoon."

I take the fact she steels her shoulders straight and brings her eyes back to the road as a sign that she's said all she is going to say. For the sake of both parties involved, I'll just keep my mouth shut.

As we arrive outside my house. Rayna presses the unlock button like she can't wait for me to get out of the car. I open the door to exit the car, then bend down to wave at Lily, who seems to be content in her car seat..

Finally Rayna speaks, her voice uncharacteristically small. "I'll call you as soon as I hear anything. One way or another, we'll know in two days."

I nod slowly, unable to meet her eye. Gratitude, anger, regret - so many emotions swirl confusingly within. Outside circumstances have thrown us together in this uncertainty, but the fate of our bond remains obscured. For now, all I can do is wait.

Waiting is fucking agonizing. I try to stay busy with work, which usually isn't a problem, but I've lost all focus. All I can think of is Rayna's call that will change everything.

Finally, on the second interminable day, my phone rings with an unknown number. I sense who it is before I even answer.

"Hello?" I say into the phone.

"Hey, Janta?" Rayna asks, seemingly unsure.

"Speaking," I curtly reply.

"Um, okay. Well, it's Rayna. I'm sure you probably guessed that by now, but I have the results," she says.

My heart stops.

"Okay…" I pause, my heart in my throat. "And?" I don't have time for pleasantries, and my anxiety is eating me alive.

"It's positive. You're Lily's father."

A feeling of panic and relief come over me at the same time. It's hard to explain. It's like I feel like my life has turned on its axis, but it also has oddly just begun.

I struggle to put into words my thoughts. So I just stand there, phone in hand, breathing heavily through the speaker.

"Janta, are you okay?" she whispers through the phone.

"Yeah, fine. Fine," I respond gruffly, feeling everything but fine.

"We need to talk about this in person. When can you drop by to discuss it?"

I really need to finish up some paperwork here at the office. But there's no better time than now to prioritize Lily over work.

"I'll come by this evening. Thanks Rayna." I hang up the phone.