43. My One and Only Visitor

My One and Only Visitor

Hadley woke up queasy over the thought of losing another person without so much as a goodbye, and immediately knew she needed to go see her dad. Without giving herself a chance to doubt her decision, she quickly packed a bag with a few essentials and a second bag with Littlefoot's supplies and left.

After dropping Littlefoot at Steph's, Hadley drove for two hours before pulling into a small park near the Wellspring Hospice Center. She grabbed her soft sided Igloo cooler and walked along the concrete path that wove through the grassy fields. When she noticed a wooden bench, she took a seat and closed her eyes. She listened to the robins whistling and the wrens flutelike singing while she took several slow deep breaths. She focused on keeping calm, despite her thumping heart. She came this far. One block from her father.

After a few minutes, Hadley opened her eyes and unzipped her cooler. She reached in and grabbed her bologna sandwich. The cooler also held a reusable bottle with water, the old photo of her mom as a teenager, and the small alabaster figurine her father gave her. She took all three items out, leaning the photo against the bottle and laying the horse figurine on her lap. She let out an audible sigh before taking a bite of her sandwich. In between bites she picked up the horse figurine with her left hand, rubbing her thumb against its smooth surface.

She stared at the photo propped next to her. Hadley's fourteenth birthday was one of the last positive memories she had with her father. On that day, he acknowledged her horseback riding without argument. He shared new stories about her mother. He gave her the photo she was currently staring at and the figurine she was holding. He smiled at her. Was proud of her. Admitted his shortcomings.

"Are you okay?" a shaky voice asked.

Hadley hadn't realized she was crying. "I'm okay," she said with a feeble smile.

"You sure, dear?" Hadley looked at the short old man, hunched over with the support of a cane. His gray hair circled his head like a halo and his skin resembled crumpled tissue paper.

"I'm sure. I must have gotten caught up in my memories."

The old man shook his head. "Happens all the time. Want someone to talk to?"

"Thanks, but I'm okay." She held up the rest of her sandwich.

He looked at the photo next to her, "That you?"

"Oh gosh," Hadley smiled. "No, it's a photo of my mom when she was younger."

"Beautiful lady. You look just like her."

Hadley wiped her eyes, her smile growing. "Oh, thank you. That means a lot."

"My name is Fred. I usually make a lap ‘round the park every day at lunchtime. If you feel like talkin', I'm sure you can catch me. I don't move too fast," he laughed.

"That's very kind Fred. I'm Hadley… Thank you." Fred dipped his head at her before slowly walking away.

Hadley shook her head to clear the swirling memories from her mind. She wiped at her eyes again with the sleeve of her shirt before she placed the rest of her sandwich back into the cooler. She picked up the photo of her mom and held it to her chest. I'll try, mom. When she felt ready, she tucked the photo of her mom into the front pocket of her lunchbox and slid the horse figurine into the pocket of her olive-colored linen shorts. Before she could change her mind, she walked back to her car and made her way to the hospice center.

Hadley walked up to a large, semicircular desk in the center of the lobby where she saw a heavyset woman with golden hair sitting in a swivel chair. "May I help you?" the woman asked without looking up.

"Hi, um, I'm here to see Michael Martin?"

"And you are?" The woman, wearing a name tag that said Gina, looked up at her impatiently.

"Oh, right. I'm Hadley. Hadley Martin. His, um, daughter."

"Of course," the woman said as her scowl softened. "Michael will be happy to see you."

"He will?"

"Of course, hon. He hasn't had any visitors yet. Are you up to date on his condition?"

"I'm not sure." Hadley blew out a breath. "I haven't seen him in a while but a woman called me yesterday to say he was suffering from liver failure?"

Gina frowned. "Yes. Unfortunately, he's in pretty bad shape. His whole body is shutting down on him. He's fairly lucid but has his moments."

"And he wants to see me?" Hadley questioned softly.

"He asked us to track you down. It's early enough in the day that he should have his wits to him. It's not normally until the evening when he gets confused. If you're ready to see him, I can page a nurse to come escort you to his room."

"As ready as I can be," Hadley said with a weak smile.

Gina nodded. "Okay, dear." She picked up the phone and spoke briefly into it before placing it back on the rocker. "Someone will be out in just a moment."

"Thank you." Hadley stood next to the front desk, and chewed on her bottom lip while she stared at her clenched fists. She debated walking out, feeling an overwhelming sense of dread, but her feet stayed planted. Several moments later Hadley heard the clacking of high heels on the linoleum flooring. She looked up to see a short, dark-haired nurse approaching. She was wearing pale yellow scrubs and held a metal clipboard.

"Hadley?"

Hadley nodded nervously.

"My name is Aida, I'm one of the primary care nurses assigned to your father. I'm the one who called you yesterday."

"Thank you for calling. Honestly, I was so thrown off that I'm not sure I remember everything you told me."

"That's okay, honey." Nurse Aida guided Hadley toward a seat at the edge of the waiting room. "Let's sit for a minute and run through a few things. I don't want you to feel caught off guard again."

"I would appreciate that," Hadley said with a polite smile.

Aida spent the next ten minutes reviewing her father's file with her. She explained after years of severe alcohol abuse, he suffered a stroke six months ago and collapsed while on a job. He spent several days in the emergency room but never fully recovered. It was not long after when he was diagnosed with permanent liver damage and progressively disordered thinking. "If you have no other questions honey, we can head toward his room. I want to make sure you understand he's hooked up to several monitors and IVs. It can be alarming if you aren't prepared."

"I understand, thank you. I guess I'm ready."

They walked together down the endless white hallway. Hadley couldn't decide if they were walking too quickly or too slowly.

"Are you okay, honey?" Aida stopped when she noticed Hadley had turned pale.

Hadley stared blankly, only blinking once Aida placed her hands firmly on her forearms. She backed against the wall and let out a dramatic breath followed by a rapid succession of quick breaths. "I can't do this," she panicked.

"It can be hard to see a loved one decline. I can stay with you in the room if it helps," Aida said gently while rubbing her arms.

Hadley looked at Aida, slowly starting to regulate her breathing. "He's not a loved one," she mumbled.

"Oh?" Aida said, confused.

"I mean, he's my father, but he wasn't great – we didn't have a great relationship…"

"Oh." Aida seemed to understand. "I am sorry, sweetheart. That makes it even harder, doesn't it. Listen, honey, there's no rulebook here. If you want to leave, you can leave. If you want to stay, you stay. Why don't you go inside and if you feel uncomfortable at any point, look back at the door and I'll swoop in and help."

Hadley nodded while inhaling slowly, blowing the air out through her mouth. "Okay," she whispered. "I can do that."

They rounded the corner and soon were outside of her father's room. Aida stood patiently, giving Hadley all of the time she needed before she moved toward the door. "You're sure he wants to see me?"

"He asked for you," Aida nodded.

"Okay." Aida motioned toward the door, letting Hadley know she could enter when ready. Hadley slowly turned the door handle and stepped into the room. She moved quietly toward the bed, noticing how frail her father was. This was a man who once terrified her. Now, at only fifty-one years old, was as thin as a skeleton with a slight droop to his face. His skin was yellowed and saggy and his hair was even thinner than it was a year ago. His brown eyes, once full of hostility, were now dull and almost lifeless. He shifted slightly in the bed, trying to make out who was approaching.

"Nurse Aida?" His voice shook.

"Nurse Aida is outside," she said nervously.

"Oh my…" he tried to push himself up in the bed but failed. He let out a groan before speaking again. "Hadley?"

"Yeah, it's me, Dad."

"My eyes don't work for shit. Come closer, let me see you." Hadley took a few steps closer, afraid to cross an invisible line near his bed. "If I didn't know any better I woulda thought you were Lizzy. Your mother, I mean."

Hadley smiled.

"You're beautiful. I, uh, didn't think you would come."

"I didn't think I would either. Nurse Aida called me yesterday and said you weren't doing well."

He let out a dejected laugh. "Well, based on the non-stop beeping and booping of these machines, I'd have to agree."

Hadley stood there looking at her father, wondering what to say next. "Um, so how do you feel?"

"Like hell. They're giving me a cocktail of pain medicine but it's barely taking the edge off. Guess I'm used to something stronger," he said grimly.

"Isn't that what got you here?"

"That's what they say."

After a long awkward pause, words tumbled out of Hadley's mouth. "I never got to say goodbye to Mom before she died."

"She didn't want you to see her at the very end, Had."

"Yeah, I know. The point is I didn't get that final moment with mom, and it haunted me for years. I had nightmares about how she died. You never told me if it was painful or painless so my brain would just create these awful possibilities and I –"

"She was sleeping."

"What?"

"She died in her sleep. She went peacefully."

Hadley's eyes welled up as she sighed. "That's – thank you. It's just that, uh –"

"You came to say goodbye to me?"

"I guess. Dad, I don't know. We haven't talked in five years except for when I picked up the donation boxes… and you weren't all that welcoming. You never tried to call me or reach out or anything otherwise. It's like you were happy to forget I existed. So then when Nurse Aida called me, I was really surprised. I didn't even know how to feel. Did you want to see me? Did I want to see you? I honestly never thought I'd see you again. I guess I never really thought about this moment."

"Listen, Hads, you have it wrong. I know I'm shit. I drank myself into oblivion every day. I don't remember half of what I put you through. But the things I do remember? They suck. I was devastated when your mom died, and I went from drinkin' with my buddies to becoming totally out of control. I couldn't stop myself and I knew you were better off without me. I'm sorry if I made your life hard."

"Made my life hard?" Hadley said with rising emotion.

"Yeah. I didn't know how to be there for you."

"You didn't even try. I lost my mom and I needed my dad. But you weren't there. And when you were, you were terrifying."

"I know," he said, hanging his head.

"No, you don't," Hadley's anger piqued. "You just said you barely remember. The thing is, Dad, you might not be able to remember but I'm not able to forget. Those years play on repeat in my head. You screaming at me. You breaking things. Destroying the house. Forcing me to get a job then taking all of my money. I used to hide under my covers at night, terrified you'd come slamming through my door. I hated you."

"You hated me?"

"Yeah," Hadley said confidently.

"Do you still hate me?" he asked with a raspy voice.

"I don't think so. I don't know what I feel," she exhaled.

"I know it doesn't mean much, but I'm sorry."

She nodded but stayed quiet.

"I've been sober for six weeks."

"It's a little too late though, right?"

"Yeah. I already did too much damage to my body."

"You did a lot of damage all around."

"That's fair."

Hadley blew out a breath and looked away. "Nothing about this is fair. Mom didn't have a choice. Cancer stole her life. You had a choice. You did this to yourself. To me."

"You're right."

Hadley stared at her father. She expected venom. She assumed he would be cruel and unwelcoming to her. Seeing him lay in front of her, unable to sit up, was jarring. Hearing him apologize? It's what she wanted to hear for years but hearing it now didn't mean what she thought it would. She reached into her pocket and wrapped her hand around the alabaster horse. "It's okay, dad. I'm figuring life out on my own. I have a decent job and a really great group of friends."

"That's really good to hear."

"I even have a cat."

"A cat," he repeated.

"Yeah," Hadley laughed. "Her name is Littlefoot, I got her from an animal shelter."

"You always did love animals."

Hadley smiled and nodded slightly.

"I'm glad you're here. I told Nurse Aida it was a longshot. I don't deserve your forgiveness, just know that I'm payin' the consequences and I'm sorry."

"I wish things were different," Hadley said as a tear rolled down her cheek.

"Me too," he said through a cough.

On cue, Nurse Aida appeared. "I'm sorry to interrupt sweetheart, but your dad's heart rate is spiking. I saw it on the monitors outside."

"What's that mean?" Hadley's voice was coated with a sudden fear.

"It just means he needs to rest. He hasn't talked this much since he got here, and the energy is taking a toll on his heart."

"I'm okay," he croaked. "It was worth it."

"That's lovely to hear but you really do need to rest now. I'll be back in a few minutes with your medicine and to replace your bags." Nurse Aida turned her attention to Hadley, placing a hand on her shoulder before continuing. "You are welcome to come back later or tomorrow. We have an open-door policy."

"Thank you, but I think this will probably be my only visit. Can I just have one more minute?"

"Of course. I'll be back in a few with your medicine, Michael."

Once Nurse Aida left the room, Hadley turned back to her father. "This is a lot for me."

"I know. It's okay if you don't come back but this meant a lot. My one and only visitor. I'm sorry I messed everything up for you."

Hadley placed her hand on top of the collection of bones that was her father's hand. She wasn't ready to forgive him or to say that she loved him. Instead, she rested her hand on his and bit her bottom lip. After a few moments of silence, Hadley whispered goodbye. As she started to walk out, she heard her father clear his throat and mutter, "I always loved you, Hadley." She stopped in her tracks, closing her eyes. She let the words roll through her but didn't turn back around. Instead, she took a deep breath and continued out the door. Then, she immediately rushed down the hallway and toward the front door of the center, desperate for fresh air.

Once outside, she sat on the curb, head between her knees, and let herself fall apart.