42. Its Okay to be Sad

It's Okay to be Sad

"So Gerald is just not a thing anymore?" Hadley questioned the following Tuesday as she stirred the Swiss Miss packet in her hot water. She wore a fitted white t-shirt under a mid-thigh lengthened caramel corduroy dress. She leaned against the table facing Meghan, who was already sitting at her desk with a coffee in hand.

"Yeah, apparently your birthday party was a trial run, but he didn't match her social expectations." Meghan placed air quotes around the last two words.

"Oh my god, that's ridiculous," Hadley chuckled.

"Helen is ridiculous. I think she's the only hopeless romantic who is also hopelessly afraid of commitment."

"He seemed nice while he lasted," Hadley shrugged as she made her way to her desk.

"I don't know. Andrew told me he shared some weird interests when they were talking."

"Like what?"

"I think he said he was overly into bowling? He kept sharing facts about bowling, famous people who bowl, the best kind of bowling shoes to wear. Just loads of bowling thoughts under that bushy brown hair."

Hadley laughed. "That's so random. It could've been worse. It's not like he was talking about bodies buried in his rose garden or anything."

"Good point. So, I was looking at the calendar and we have a few repeat clients coming in but otherwise the day is up to fate. I wonder if we'll be busy with how sunny it is outside."

Hadley squinted as she considered the odds. "I'm starting a new crossword puzzle so that usually means right when I get in a groove, it gets busy."

"Then figure out the answers slowly because I could use a quiet morning." They nodded at each other and lifted their mugs into the air to silently ‘cheers' to the wish for quiet.

While Hadley was tapping the eraser of her pencil against her desk, considering which four-letter word meant ‘a kind of watch or time', the phone rang. "Placers Staffing, this is Hadley. Mhm. Mhm. Yes, just your driver's license or a state ID. Yes, we hold open interviews from two until five. Okay. Okay, great. See you then." After saying goodbye and hanging up the phone she looked over at Meghan. "Well, that's at least one walk-in after lunch."

"I can handle one," Meghan smiled before sipping on her lukewarm coffee. "If it's actually just one."

Hadley was about to make a joke when the phone rang again. "Are you clairvoyant or something?" She laughed before picking up the phone and repeating her standard greeting. "Yes, I'm Hadley," she said tentatively. "I'm sorry, who is this? Okay… I – uh, okay. Thank you."

"What was that about?"

Hadley swallowed hard. Her eyes were glued to the phone still in her hand.

"Whoa, what's wrong," Meghan stood up, noticing that the color drained from Hadley's face. "Hey, take a deep breath. Who was that?" Meghan walked over and knelt next to Hadley. "Hads… Hadley. Hadley. Look at me."

Hadley shook her head incredulously, released a deep breath, and set the phone down. She looked over at Meghan with tears in her eyes. "I, uh…" Meghan watched Hadley and waited patiently for her to continue. "That was Wellspring Hospice Center calling me about my father. He's dying." A few tears slipped down her cheeks, but she was too stunned to fully react.

"Oh Hadley, that's horrible. I'm so sorry."

Hadley shook her head in continued disbelief. "She said he's been sick for a while with, um, end stage liver disease. Liver failure. I guess he took a turn for the worse over the weekend and was moved to the short-term wing."

"Did you know he was sick?" Meghan asked gently, her left hand resting on Hadley's leg.

"No. What's with nobody telling me they're sick? I haven't heard from my dad since I picked up my mom's boxes last year, so I guess he didn't bother to mention he was sick. I guess that's why he was packing everything up. I mean it makes sense with how heavily he drank, but no, I didn't know."

"Oh wow. Okay, this is a lot for you to process. How can I help?"

"I don't know. I guess they called here because he lost my phone number and couldn't remember where my apartment was. He only remembered that I worked for an employment agency in this general vicinity. She had to call a few until she got the right one. That's telling of our relationship…" Hadley hung her head.

"She found you, that's all that matters."

Hadley nodded.

"Are you going to be okay?" Meghan walked to the bathroom and returned with a tissue.

Hadley took a tissue and dried her cheeks. "She told me I should go see him. That he probably won't last the week. I don't know what to do, Meg. I haven't seen him or talked to him in a long time. I worked so hard to create boundaries and protect myself against him. I don't know if I can face him now. I don't even know if he wants me to, or if I want to."

"That doesn't need to be decided in this moment. Why don't you go home. I can handle a slow day on my own. Relax with Littlefoot and process all of this. I don't think it's fully hit you, but it will."

"I don't want to leave you alone, Meg. Some of these guys are gross. I'll be fine."

"I'm calling Mary. If she can come in, then will you go home?"

"Yeah, okay," Hadley said reluctantly.

Meghan walked Hadley to her car fifteen minutes later once they knew Mary was on her way. "I'll be fine alone for a half hour, Had. This way you don't have to explain anything to Mary, and you can just get home."

"Yeah, I guess you're right. I'm fine though. Are you sure you don't want me to stay?"

"You're only fine because you're in shock. At the end of the day, despite everything he's done, he's still your father."

Hadley let out an audible sigh. "I know. I just… I don't know what to do."

"All you need to do is go home. Put on your favorite sweats, read your favorite book. You'll figure out what to do eventually."

"Thanks, Meg."

***

"I'm home," Hadley announced as she slipped out of her brown heeled loafers and walked toward the couch. Littlefoot, who was curled up in a ball, lifted her head and let out a long meow. Hadley leaned down and tickled under the cat's chin. She let out a quiet chuckle when she felt Littlefoot press her head into her palm, wanting more. "I'm going to shower and then I'll come relax with you."

Hadley stood in her shower and let the hot water cover her. She washed her hair. Washed her body. Washed her face. She waited for tears that never came. She felt… fine. After she dried off, she wrapped her hair in a bun and threw on a pair of blue flannel pajamas. She stepped into white slippers and shuffled to the living room. She grabbed a book of word searches and cozied into a corner of the couch. Littlefoot stood up, arching into a stretch before she walked over and curled onto Hadley's lap. "Don't judge me for wearing pajamas before lunch," Hadley said, tickling behind Littlefoot's ears. "Meg told me to relax so we're going to try."

Knock, knock, knock.

"That's weird," Hadley whispered. "Who could be at the door? Want to come check it out?" she scooped Littlefoot into her arms and walked with her to the door. "If it's a bad guy, you jump, okay?" She left the chain lock on the door but opened it an inch to see who was on the other side.

"Josh? What're you – hang on." She closed the door to unhook the security chain and then opened the door fully. "What're you doing here? Why aren't you at work?"

"I was out checking on some of my local accounts and got hungry."

"And you just knew I'd be home?"

"Possibly."

Hadley narrowed her eyes at Josh as he set a bag with two chicken caesar salads on the counter. "Did Meg call you?"

"Possibly."

"Ugh.I'm fineee."

"Yeah, I know." Josh nodded. "But I also know you've never turned down food before so set the princess down and grab a salad."

Hadley smiled. "You heard the man," she guided Littlefoot toward the couch so she could jump down safely. Hadley and Josh grabbed their salads and sat where they always did, with their backs against the couch, and started to eat.

"It's okay if you weren't fine, you know."

"Yep, I know."

"Okay." After another minute of silence, Josh tried again. "Did I ever tell you about when I was in college and I dated this girl, Daisy?"

"I don't think so."

"Well, the highlight reel is that I dated her for over a year even though she cheated on me with half of Kappa Sigma."

"Ouch," Hadley said, collecting another forkful of salad.

"Yes, but worse than that –"

"Worse than cheating on you with half a frat worth of guys?"

"If you'd let me finish, I'd get to my point." Hadley twirled her fork in the air, signaling for him to continue. "She always had an opinion on what I was doing or not doing. She hated my major, hated my roommate, my clothes… pretty sure she hated me."

"And you dated her, why?"

"She was gorgeous, and I was stupid. The point is she was awful to me. She constantly made me feel like garbage. Long story short, we finally broke up and you know what?"

"You were better off?"

"Yes, I was absolutely better off. But as terrible as she was to me, I was still devastated."

"Ahh."

"I'm just saying, it's okay to be sad over someone who doesn't deserve your sadness."

Hadley locked eyes with Josh and nodded. "It's not like I'm pretending to be okay, I'm just," Hadley threw her hands up in a shrug, unsure how to even describe what she was feeling. It was Josh's turn to nod. "Would you go see him? If you were me, I mean."

"I can't answer that, Hads, you know that."

"Yeah. I know… I'm just afraid I'll go see him and he'll be mad that I showed up. Like the nurse told me to come but did he tell her to call me or was she just doing her hospice duties?"

"I don't have that answer, either." Josh said gently. "Do you want to see him?"

"Yes and no. I wasn't there when my mom passed away. I knew she was dying and obviously our relationship was by no means strained so it's different… but anyway... I never said that last goodbye. Same thing with Dorothy. I was totally blindsided and didn't even know she was sick. Maybe it would be good to say goodbye to my dad, despite our issues. Maybe there's a future me who will appreciate it."

"That's a good way of looking at it."

Hadley blew out a breath and slouched deeper into the floor, where they always seemed to sit. She felt drained from the stress of the unknown. She leaned her body against Josh who knowingly wrapped his arm around her. "It'll be okay, Hads. We're here for you."

"What about Littlefoot? I can't bring her. I mean I guess it doesn't matter if I'm just going for an afternoon but what if it's a whole thing and I end up staying?"

"Steph's apartment allows pets so we can bring her there for the night. I'll bring her back over once you're home. This way if you end up staying, or just want a moment of solitude, you won't have to worry."

"Are you sure Steph is okay with that? Shouldn't you ask her?"

"She loves animals and she loves you. It'll be fun for her, I'm sure of it."

"I'm not sure she actually loves me, I see the way she stares sometimes. But if it's actually okay with her, then that might work. Thanks, Josh."

"Of course, Hads. I wish I could stay longer but I am technically on the job right now."

"So you didn't just get hungry and somehow wind up at my door?" Hadley smiled as she stretched her arms out and rolled her neck. She stood up and collected the empty lunch containers as they made their way to the front door.

"Well, technically it's true. I was hungry and I did wind up here… but we both know Meg played a hand. She was really worried about you."

"I'm okay. Exhausted and confused, but okay."

"I know, you keep saying that." He sounded unconvinced. "My next two clients aren't far from here so it worked out." Josh was recently promoted to Senior Account Manager at an industrial supply company. He now spent more time on the road visiting clients and keeping up relations than he did sitting in an office making cold calls. He enjoyed the freedom in his schedule, especially on days like this. He wouldn't admit it to Hadley, but when Meghan called him, he was equally worried knowing she was probably sitting in her thoughts.

They lingered at the door. "Thank you for checking on me… and for helping with Littlefoot. I haven't figured out what I want to do yet. But if I do decide to go tomorrow, I can drop Littlefoot off at Steph's on my way. Just please ask her. It's almost never appreciated when a man assumes things."

"Thanks for the life advice. I will ask," Josh chuckled. "Call me or Megs if you need anything, okay?"

"I will." Hadley said as she shut the door. She walked back to the couch and wrapped an afghan around her, settling into place. Littlefoot laid across her chest, purring steadily against her. She spent the rest of the day debating what she should do. Eventually, still undecided, her eyes fluttered into an exhaustive sleep.