47. Varian

He lifted his shoulders. "It's better than living a lie. Hiding who we are. Having to do all this just for some time together. The rules. The subterfuge. It's fucking exhausting. I thought you would be happy." His face crumpled.

"I want all of that, my Stardust. I want to be in the open with you. But I don't want to be the reason your career ends. I don't want you to fuck up everything you've worked so hard for and resent me."

"I could never resent you."

A little part broke between us. I knew I'd never talk him out of it. His mind was set. But I'd always fear he'd harbor a lifetime of regret for a ruined career. It felt like watching the paths set to ruin our relationship, and I was helpless against it.

I had to decide what I could live with.

We were silent for a lot of the walk, but it wasn't awkward. We'd learned to dwell in silence during long hours on the bus and then in the stretches we went without speaking.

His hand brushed mine again as we rounded the tip of the island. I glanced over and smiled. He returned it with a glow bright enough to light our torches to hell. It would be so easy to let him come out. Let him ruin his life for the chance he'd look at me like that for the rest of my life.

"Look at that tree." Arik took off in a jog.

"Where are you going," I called after him.

He turned around to run backward, bronzed skin glistening in the sunlight. "To see the tree! Come on."

I sprinted to catch up, making it to the massive pieces of driftwood that were more full trees than logs that had washed up on shore. They stuck out of the sand at every angle like a cemetery of what came before the ocean reclaimed the forest of old.

It put perspective on life. How long this planet has existed before my birth and how long it will after. How life and energy cycles through every phase.

Arik's fingers brushed over my palm. "What are you thinking?"

It took me a minute to put it into words. "I'm thinking about the phases of life and how ours feels so hard right now—" He opened his mouth to speak but I went on before he could. "But it's normal. There are highs and lows. Without the valleys, we wouldn't know the peaks. It's not a bad thing."

He closed his mouth in silent introspection. "No, it's not a bad thing. I'll love you through every phase of our lives, every high and low."

I closed my eyes, struck by what I knew we needed but not sure I was brave enough to do it, fighting the tears I wasn't ready for. "There will never be a moment I don't love you. No matter how close or far apart we are."

A glint sparked in his eyes that matched the sea today. "I'd kiss you if I could."

"I can see it written on your face."

The immense amount of love in our little moments of intimacy would stay with me to the grave.

We walked back toward the house, slower this time. The sun hit the highest place in the sky, making it warm. Sweat prickled at my skin, and I needed a nap after the miles of walking.

There were more people out. Not a ton, but we did cross some paths. We kept our heads down, always quiet until they passed.

"What are we going to do if there are pictures of us here?"

"Probably say we are friends. The same line they've used before. John and I had a good talk about it before I left. There is nowhere on earth we can go that is totally empty. It doesn't exist. We just have to be careful in public spaces."

"I hope Kiernan understands that."

"I think he and John had a conversation."

"Good." Our shoulders brushed as he entered the gate code to the property.

"Are you ready for a nap?" I asked, knowing he probably wouldn't sleep, but my body could not keep up with fucking all night and then running around all day like him.

"Only if by sleep you mean your dick in my mouth."

I groaned. "You're incorregible."

"You'll sleep better after an orgasm." Arik stopped at the little foot sprayer next to the deck to rinse his feet.

I did the same before we headed inside. "Wouldn't you rather fuck me to sleep?" I figured that with the shiny new toy unlocked between us, that's all he'd want to do.

"What do you want?" He stopped in the kitchen, getting us both glasses of water.

"You." I took the glass with a thank you.

"How do you want me?" he asked.

Every possible way. "You tell me."

"No. I told you what I wanted last night. I want to know how you've fantasized about us."

I didn't have to think about it. I'd already imagined it a million times. "I want you to fuck me from behind."

Heat crept up his neck. "What about from behind turns you on?"

"How deep you can get. I want to feel you in every part of me." My breath caught. "You can be more aggressive."

"Do you like aggressive?"

I nodded, setting my glass aside before hooking my thumbs in my sweats to drag them lower, exposing neatly trimmed hair. "Yes." We'd never talked about our kinks after that initial conversation so long ago. "Do you?"

"I can't imagine a way I wouldn't like you." He stalked over.

I matched him step for step backward. "What are you going to bend me over?"

"I don't know…"

Rail me into the mattress?

"Anything you want?"

He stalled at the door. "I've never done this before."

"You've had sex before, haven't you?" I asked with a hint of a smile, wanting to keep the mood light. "I know we have."

"All the sex I've had was nothing like this. It was either a rushed fuck with lots of groping in the dark or what I'm realizing was pretty bad maintenance sex. So no, I'm pretty green." Arik gave me the gift of his vulnerability, and I loved him more forit.

I laughed, going back to him to cup his face. "The passion might not be the same, but the mechanics are, so you'll be fine."

"I don't know the mechanics."

"You've never fucked doggie?"

He shook his head.

I couldn't believe it. "What?"

"We pretty much only did it missionary."

"My sweet, inexperienced Stardust." It struck me he'd never had someone ride him? That couldn't be. "Me on top of you…?" I didn't have to fully ask.

He was already nodding. "Never like that."

"Do you even know how hot that is?" I teased my tongue against his lips, asking for entry.

He parted them, welcoming me inside. "It doesn't bother you?"

"No, I love it. It makes me want to fuck you in every way possible."

"No time like the present." He pushed down my pants, walking me toward the bed. He flipped me around and bent me over the bed. I twisted enough to watch him.

* * *

"This tub is too nice to not use. Come take a bath with me," Arik said as I awoke sometime later.

"I haven't had a bath in forever."

He kissed my shoulder and got out of bed, walking naked to the massive claw-foot tub next to the window.He turned the water on and bent to close the drain, giving me a full view of his hole.

Would he ever let me fuck him?

I wanted nothing more than to be inside him and show him how good it felt to be connected like that. He looked over his shoulder, gaze dropping to my hand around my cock.

I gave myself one long stroke before getting out of bed to join him. My lips swept the nape of my neck. "I love you."

He wrapped an arm around my back, holding me there. "I didn't know what love was until I met you."

He stepped into the tub and winced. "Fuck, it's hot." He turned on the cold but sat in the scalding water.

I reached in to feel it. "Have you lost your mind!"

He shrugged and leaned back, sinking deeper, resting his against the edge. "You get used to it."

I sat on the edge, eyes drifting outside. The view of the ocean from the tub was unparalleled. He looked like a painting, draped like he was in the twilight.

I traced over his ribcage, watching him breathe, and it was enough.

He laid his warm face against my thigh, looking up at me. "Let's get up and watch the sunrise tomorrow. Like we used to."

* * *

Piece of Shit: Are you a queer?

I turned my phone around to show Arik. "I guess this means there are photos of us, or he's gotten served some Varik content."

"I mean, if he's getting Varik content, then that says a lot more about what media he's telling the algorithm than it says about us."

All I could do was laugh. "His face when we do come out."

"Can we tell him in person? Or can you film it?"

I wrinkled my nose. "Tempting, but I don't want to be in the same room with him." My phone buzzed again. "He's really got a fucking stick up his ass about this."

Piece of Shit: What the fuck is this?

Piece of Shit: Why the fuck would a son of mine think this shit is okay?

Piece of Shit calling.

Piece of Shit: Answer your fucking phone.

Piece of Shit calling.

I turned off my phone. I didn't have the capacity to deal with him.

"I'm way more of a dick than you. I'd just reply, sucking dick is way better than dealing with you." Arik laughed and brushed his lips over mine, going back to the massive spreadsheet he'd made with both our lives on it.

"I'm not going to tell him even when I come out."

"Never?"

I shook my head. "No. He doesn't deserve to hear it from me. He can read about it from TMZ because that's all of my life he's entitled to."

"You're right. Don't give him anything more." Arik had been trying to find days to match up. "It's going to be months before we can see each other again. Every time I'm off, you're impossible to get to, and vice versa. So if we can't be seen in public together, it makes this fucking impossible."

"Maybe life just has us on different paths."

"I can't accept that," Arik put his face into my neck and shook. "We have to figure something out."

I held him so fucking tight, not knowing when I'd be able to again. "I don't know how to fix it. I feel like we are both trying so hard and failing. I feel like I'm always failing us. I read your journal, and I never know what's going on with you."

"I feel the same. I call and call and message and always just miss you."

"I'm sorry. I wish I could change it."

"We have no other choice. I have to come out."

"We can talk about it," I said, mouth dry with the lie.

I didn't know how to do what I knew I had to.

"I'm going to call Vallen to give him a heads up about our dad's shit while you cook."

"Okay, my love."

I stepped outside.

"Hey, everything okay?" Vallen asked when he answered.

"Dad has seen something."

"What?" Val asked.

"I don't know. He asked me if I was a queer." I pushed a hand into my hair.

"Shit. Are you going to reply to him to find out what he saw?"

"No. It will either be public or John will know."

"What could it be? Have you two been recognized?" Vallen asked.

"Not that I know of. There are not a lot of people here. We haven't left the place that much. Only a couple of walks, and no cameras. So unless we got hit by some telephoto lenses…" We"ve had bad luck with that. Nothing would surprise me.

"I'm glad you two are getting some peace. Just block Dad. Don't let him ruin things for you."

"That's not really the reason I called," I sighed, not sure I wanted to tell my brother all of this, but I didn't have anyone else I trusted to ask for advice from.

"What's going on?"

"Arik wants to come out. Our schedules clash so bad. There is just basically no way to see each other at all unless we are out. It would be too obvious."

Vallen didn't speak right away. "What do you think about it?"

"I would love to stop all this shit. I didn't want to ever hide it, but I'm worried about him."

"That's the truth of it. You will probably be fine, other than Dad being a homophobic loser, but no one's shocked by his bad takes. We may take a hit for a few months, but we'd recover. But Arik… He's not really in a place he can take a hit. Who knows if his career would recover or if the label would back him? He may lose radio support when he's just started getting played. You know as well as I do the industry is fucking filled with old bigots who won't die. He's got to have the backing before jumping off that cliff. I think John was right when he said to give it another year or two." Vallen's words reinforced everything I knew.

"And what if I can't talk him out of it?"I asked.

"He wouldn't just come out and say it, would he?" Val asked.

"I don't know. I don't think so, but I can't be sure."

Silence.

"Val?"

"I'm here—I just have no words. You can't be serious?"

"He wasn't raised in this shit like we were. We've had media training. He's still got the young loose cannon stuff." But how did I say that to Arik? I couldn't tell him I knew better because of how I'd grown up.

Vallen sighed. "I'd hate to see him do that. The guys who spout off at this point in his career are the ones who burn out. He's got to learn to play the game."

"I know. I don't know what to do."

"You don't think you can talk him down?"

"I don't think so, and he's going to resent me." I pressed my eyes closed, fear climbing up my throat. The thought of losing him made me physically ill.

"Someone needs to lock him out of that damn journal."

"Can you imagine? He'd just make a new one." I laughed, loving him but knowing who he was, and that was a pain in the ass.

"Spirited little fuck. No wonder you love him."

"I got to see if I can talk some sense into him in the next two days."

"Good luck, bro."

"Hey, before you hang up," I said quickly. "You doing okay?"

"I'm fine, and yes, I'm eating. Gran is making all my favorites."

"Promise?" I asked. The last thing I needed was for him to get more anxious and not be able to eat because he was stressed about me and Dad.

"I promise."

Arik and I were at an impasse. It was easier to fuck and enjoy each other's company than to spend the last two days together fighting when neither of us was going to change our opinion.

There were a million things I wanted to say to him. My head spun with them the night before we left. Every goodbye over the last six months hurt more than the last. How many could we put ourselves through and make it past?

I got up earlier than we'd agreed and grabbed the Sharpie out of my bag. I crept back into the bedroom while he slept and smiled as I drew a little heart, then wrote over it: I will always love you.

I sobbed the entire five-hour drive back to Atlanta.

Arik: Tell me this isn't what I think it is.

Varian: This doesn't fit in our life right now. They won't let it.

Varian: They will keep making it impossible for us to be together.

Arik: You're giving up on us.

Varian: I'm not. I promise. I'm hitting pause.

Arik: What the fuck is pause?

Varian: I can't let you burn your career down for me. I will always love you. But I'm walking away until we are both in a place we can make this work.

Varian: I'm not seeing anyone else. I'm letting you focus on your career for a while.

Varian: Arik. Please don't shut me out. You're my best friend.

I waited for another text, but nothing came. I checked his journal.

our eulogy was already half-written.

we were just waiting for the Final date the fates would bring oUr destruction.

and forever i'm going to wonder if we failed ourselves and gave up too early

you think i'm out here Chasing dreams and the tails of shooting stars, but i Know i had it all with you

it was enough for me

i dare You to find something that ever felt so right

i turned around, and you turned your back On all the promises we made each other

straight on, bUt morning never came

His journal posts broke me over the next few weeks.

I wish there was a way to stop missing you

Or missing the ‘me' I am when I'm with you

Last star on the right

Maybe you'll meet me there in another life

I expected him to call, and I expected him to talk me off the ledge. I called, and I texted, but he didn't answer.

Was this always destined to end?

A train heading for the end of the rail.

We burned the bridges before we got to them.

Said goodbye so many times I don't know how to make it real this time.

Why can't we make this work?

He didn't call.

Today I regret all that you were.

Every word.

Every touch.

Every kiss.

Every minute you spent convincing me you were safe.

None of it was real, was it?