27. Arik

Igently placed a hand on Varian's hip, trapping him there against the bunk. "I was in the bathroom. Where did you think I went?"

"I don't know. I was trying to figure out why you abandoned me."

"I would never."

"The evidence says otherwise!" He didn't move. "Where were you? Hiding in a fucking cabinet?"

"I don't think I could shove myself into one of them," I laughed. "Can't a man piss?"

"Not without warning me. I thought you abandoned me for Hael."

I bit his shoulder. "Fuck you for that."

He groaned, and it made me feel some sort of way. "Are you a biter now?"

"I have to set you straight somehow."

"If that's my punishment, I'll have to fuck up more often."

I bit him again. "You into that?"

He didn't answer right away. "I told you before I was into marks. But honestly, who isn't?"

"Plenty of people. I dated one. No biting whatsoever. She didn't even enjoy kissing me."

"What? How do you not like kissing the person you're sleeping with?"

I shrugged, then realized he couldn't see me. "Let's smoke and change and get in bed."

"Don't beg me off. I want to understand it." He put his hand over mine, sparking warmth through my fingers.

"I'm not. I'll explain once we are alone." I didn't want to talk to Kiernan again. Or anyone else, for that matter. I wanted to be alone with him.

He narrowed his eyes but nodded, tugging his shirt off right there.

I swallowed, trying to forget how his chest felt pressed into mine. What was wrong with my fucking head?

I bent to grab a sleep shirt and tossed one to him. I turned my back almost instinctively to change, pulling on sweats in the hall. With anyone else, this wouldn't be a big deal. We lived on a bus, for fuck's sake, so changing in front of each other was a given, but something had shifted. Why was the ground always moving?

I turned around, and he stood there, tee still clutched in his hands but sans pants. He lifted his chin but didn't speak.

My mouth went dry, and my tongue stuck to the roof of my mouth. "Let me get you sweats."

He grabbed my arm before I could turn. "It's hot. Are you really going to wear all that?"

My brain short-circuited. "Er…"

A smile stretched across his face. "Is there a problem?"

I shook my head, dropping my attention down to his chest and immediately kicking myself for it. "No."

"You really going to wear all of that?" Varian repeated and tugged my shirt.

"I'm not too warm," I managed, tearing my gaze away from his chest to look into his eyes. "Want me to see if there are any new DVDs in the lounge?"

"You can just throw on Pool Hall Junkies again or whatever." Varian didn't drop his hand. I stared at our joined fingers, laced, focusing on the connection and the sparks it sent through my veins.

My pulse picked up, and I felt myself nod, but I felt disconnected from my body. "Sure."

"You getting in?" he asked when I didn't move.

"Right." I pulled my hand out of his, needing both to vault myself into the bunk.

I felt his gaze burning into my back as I slid into the cubby. Why did this feel monumental? Like everything was about to shift.

He moved in behind me and quickly pulled the curtain closed, reminding me why I wanted to be out of view. We each laid back on our pillow, staring at each other in the low light.

"I need a couple of hits or I won't sleep." I had the half joint I'd left there this morning between my lips before he said anything. I dug into the side cubby for my lighter.

"You're going to set yourself on fire one day, smoking like this."

"It's the perfect hot box. It's worth the risk." I inhaled deeply before passing it.

He took a quick hit and passed it back. We smoked it until it burned our fingertips, then I shoved it into the ashtray, feeling a little lighter and more willing to face him.

"What did you want me to explain?" I knew, and I don't know why I didn't just say it, but the silence was too uncomfortable to sit in.

"Your ex's aversion to kissing," he said tentatively. Like he was holding something back.

"I don't know why. She said she didn't enjoy kissing anyone." I lowered my gaze to the space between us. It felt awkward. "It made me self-conscious for a while, like I was a bad kisser, but I guess I got over it."

"That probably made the pictures of them kissing worse…"

I cringed. "I didn't think of it that way at the time, and I'm glad I didn't." It stung now, so it would have more back then, but that felt like another lifetime even if it had only been a couple of months.

"I like kissing you." His words stole my breath.

My eyes flicked up, searching his. "Do you?"

His tongue swiped over his lips. "How could I not?"

I smiled in spite of myself. In spite of my confusion. In spite of not understanding any of this. "I don't know?—"

He cut me off with his lips and teeth and tongue, pressing me into the back wall. "You don't know what?" He didn't give me time to reply, kissing me thoroughly and deeply.

My fingers dug into his skin, pulling, aching, craving the close contact. Kissing him until I couldn't breathe, until I couldn't think of anything but how his lips felt against mine.

His fingers brushed over my nape to fist in my hair, sending a shiver down my spine. He groaned in the back of his throat, pressing forward so our hips met.

He. Was. Hard.

Panic ate at my throat, driving home that I was really making out with a man. I didn't pull away, but he must have noticed the change because he slowed.

"You okay?" he asked, breathless.

I barely found my voice. "Yes." I dipped my tongue past his lips, chasing the taste. Or maybe I was trying to avoid thoughts, or processing any of it, or most of all, having to talk to Varian.

"I don't believe you." His voice was hoarse, but he kept kissing me, and it was electric.

Sparks and the whole nine yards. Nothing like kissing anyone else had ever been.

His hips jutted forward as he arched, full press of hard bodies. Muscled and aggressive. Nothing like being with a woman.

Fuuuuck. I pulled back, breaking the kiss and trying to catch my breath.

Varian didn't chase. He rubbed his fingers over his swollen lower lip.

"Say what you want to say,"I urged, needing to know what he was thinking.

"What's wrong?" His hair was a mess, half in his face, and his chest heaved, bare with hard nipples.

I couldn't stop looking at him. Admiring. I liked all of what I saw. All of what I felt. Why couldn't I get past what he had below the belt?

I forced myself to look into his eyes again, finally answering. "I don't know how to do this."

He arched a golden brow, and it would have been comical if I wasn't in the middle of an existential crisis. "This seems like freaking out."

"It's not." I wiped a hand over my face. "Words escape me."

"Try to explain. If you're not bisexual, you're not bisexual." He scooted back a few inches, and it felt like a mile.

"It's not that." I lifted a hand to reach out for him or drag him closer, but I stopped mid-movement and dropped my hand. "I don't know what I am."

"You're giving pretty mixed messages. You seem into it and then you don't. It's like you go ice cold."

"I don't think that's fair."

"Then explain it to me. Because I'm starting to think you're just making out with me… Never mind. Just explain."

"No, what were you going to say?"I asked.

"Because you're lonely and you don't want to lose my friendship. I feel like an idiot." Varian shifted, moving further back.

I grabbed his arm, not letting him get out of the bunk. I couldn't take this to the open space, to places we'd be in front of the rest of them. "It's not that."

He glanced between my hand and my face. "Then explain. Now."

"I don't really know how to explain it. Or even think about it with myself." I could tell I was losing him, so I forced out words faster. "I do think some guys are hot. I'm into you. Kissing you. I promise." I dragged my teeth over my lower lip, choosing my wording carefully. "It's below the belt I don't know if I can get on board with."

"So you're attracted to men physically?" He seemed to ignore my last statement, which I was okay with.

"I guess so. Humans are art, and who doesn't like looking at art?"

"You feel like bodies are art?" Varian seemed amused by my answers, which was much better than the look he'd had in his eyes before.

"I do. I think we are built to be looked at, and even straight people can admire their own sex." It felt like we were getting deep into the philosophy of sexuality now, and either I was too stoned for it or the right amount.

"I don't think many straight people would agree with you. I think that's something bisexuals do. Have you ever thought you were bi?" His words came with care, and I could tell he'd thought about how he put it.

I lifted one shoulder, trying to embrace the high and be honest—if not for him, then for myself. "I never thought about it that hard. It was easy with girls. There aren't that many guys I'm into." Only a handful I'd been really attracted to over the years.

But anyone would have been attracted to them. Varian was one of the hottest guys on the planet. I think any guy would admit that.

"You know it's a spectrum, right? Maybe you're only a little bisexual."

"Okay, maybe I'm just bisexual above the belt." I tried to laugh it off, but he didn't find it funny.

Varian blinked. "Bisexual above the waist?"

"Maybe. It's the dick thing that throws me off." I shifted, not looking at him, remembering the heat in my body when he'd pressed his hips forward.

"Have you ever kissed a guy before me?"

"No," I answered honestly.

"Not even just to try it?" Varian asked, but not in a pushy way. I could tell he was curious.

"No, I told you. There were only a few people who were that attractive. It's not like those guys are waiting around wanting to make out with me." I tried to laugh it off.

"You're a rock star. I'm sure a couple of them at least would be."

"Barely. We're only just getting big." I turned to look at him, unable to stop myself. "If they are even into guys."

He held my gaze, trailing his fingers up my forearm. "Tell me one of them."

"Ryan Reynolds."

"That's cheating. I think everyone would fuck him." Varian rolled his eyes, acting annoyed, but his fingers said otherwise. They circled my elbow, raising goosebumps on my arm. "Give me someone else."

"They're all celebrities."

"Are there any normal guys you've been attracted to?" He traced his fingers over my hip, and I felt like I could breathe again.

I didn't want to have this talk, but I didn't want him to leave, and I desperately needed him to keep touching me. "I don't know. I've never seriously thought about it until you." I dropped my gaze to where his fingers connected with my skin. The warmth they infused sent shooting stars through my chest cavity again.

"Do you think you are demi or, like, gray when it comes to guys?"

"What's that?"

"It's something like you only feel attraction when you know them. Like being attracted to their personalities." Varian's voice got softer.

"Is that something you can only be with one gender and not the other?"

"I don't think there are any rules." He traced the line of my sleeve, then ran his fingertips down the inside of my bicep.

I'd never felt more grounded in a moment. The rest of the world melted again.

"Maybe that's it."

He was quiet for a long time, and I figured maybe he was done talking for the night, but then he spoke. "So you've never done anything with a guy?"

"Just kiss you," I admitted.

"So if you're just not into dicks…" He trailed off, and I hung on his words. "Would you be into me touching—more of you?"

"Maybe… Yes…"

Shock widened his eyes before a smile took over. He leaned closer, and his breath smelled like cherry, vanilla, and weed. His fingers skimmed under my ear, slipping around the back of my neck. "I'm going to kiss you again."

I closed the distance between us before he could, brushing our lips together. I stayed there for a moment, seeing if he'd object. When he didn't say anything, I kissed him again, this time fuller. Parting his lips. His tongue skimmed barely between, giving me a little taste of him. A moan escaped me. He grabbed my face with his other hand, dragging me closer.

I grabbed his shoulder, his arm, his hips, anywhere I could to hold on for dear life, suddenly so unsteady.

He nibbled my lip and then sucked on it. His scruff chaffed my lips, and before I could get enough, he stopped.

It was so abrupt, it left me clinging and breathing hard.

Thankfully, he didn't try to extract himself from my grip. He stayed there with his forehead an inch from mine.

"Why'd you stop?"

"I thought this was just an experiment," Varian said playfully.

I groaned, grinding my teeth. "Still, why would you stop?"

He brushed his nose over mine. "So you liked that?"

"I think you can fucking tell." I chased the contact, bringing us cheek to cheek to rub them together.

"I can."

I nipped at his ear. "Why do you feel so good?"

"I could ask you the same thing." He pulled my hair.

"Kiss me again," I pleaded.

He obliged, but slower, and I soon realized why when his knuckles brushed my cock. I gasped, straining inside my sweats. Blind need burned white-hot through my body.

He pulled back, enough to study my face while he did it again. Soft, barely there. My body tightened, burning at the base of my spine.

Varian's lips parted, his eyes ablaze. More divine than he'd ever looked. "This okay?"

I didn't have words. Just panting, incoherent sounds. Varian fed off it, curling his fingers around me, jacking me. A desperate, all-consuming lust took over. I bucked into him, clumsy and not confident in my movements, driven by blind want for his fingers to keep doing what they were doing.

But he stilled.

I groaned deep in the back of my throat.

"First, tell me something." His thumb slid over my cheek.

"Anything."

"Are you going to regret this when we are sober?"

"I don't think I could ever regret anything with you." I delivered it with all the conviction in my chest.

"Okay. Then if you won't regret it, is this a one-time thing?" he asked, his focus so intense.

"You said one question. That's two."

He tightened his hand around my cock, and my knees opened while my body shuddered wordlessly.

Our mouths crashed, and he let his question go. He slid his tongue over mine, and I sucked on it. We breathed the same air and lost time. The DVD rolled credits on repeat, but it wasn't the worst make out music. We ended up on our sides, slowing down. His breaths made his chest expand against mine.

He worked over me slowly, taking his time, and I wished he'd do more. Take me out of my pants or give me more friction. Anything.

I scratched my nails over his scalp, and he moaned into my mouth, squeezing my base. My hips jerked forward, and I ground into his hand. He smiled against my mouth, my lower lip snagging on his teeth.

The moment his hand dipped into my sweats and closed around my bare cock, skin on skin, I came. Losing it in a relentless buck of my hips, driving my dick through his fingers. Spilling all over them. Pleasure exploded through every nerve.

I collapsed flat on my back, gasping.

What the fuck did I just do?