35. Sophie

Jess walked towards the car, beaming. She was holding a piece of paper. She jumped into the front seat and handed it to me. ‘I got an A in my English essay, Mum!’ she said. ‘Mrs Power said it was the best essay she’s read in ages. I’ve never got an A in English before. It feels amazing. It’s my birthday gift to myself.’

I was delighted for her. ‘Well done, Jess. I’m really proud of you.’ And I was: I was ridiculously proud of her. ‘But do you still want all the birthday presents I’ve wrapped, ready to give you on Saturday?’

She laughed. ‘Hell, yes, I still want those, all of them!’

‘But definitely not a party, even just a few girls over?’

Jess shook her head. ‘No. I just want you, me, Dad and Robert.’

‘Okay, pet, whatever you say.’

I glanced down at the essay. The title was ‘My Patchwork Family’.

‘Oh, is this about us?’ I asked.

She nodded. ‘But don’t worry, I didn’t say anything about Pippa and rehab and all of that. It’s just about how we’re a mixture of two families rolled into one. It’s about how Robert is my full brother to me, even though he’s technically a half-brother, and how having a stepmum wasn’t easy for me and being a stepmum isn’t easy for you, but how amazing you are with Robert. I said you treat him like your own son and protect him and comfort him the way you always protect and comfort me.’

‘Oh, Jess.’ I didn’t know what to say – I was blown away.

‘You do, Mum,’ Jess said. ‘You’ve always been great with Robert, but since Pippa went to rehab you’ve been incredible.’

‘Thanks, love. I just feel really sorry for him. He’s had a tough time, tougher than we realized.’ I’d been love-bombing Robert since his mum went into rehab. The poor kid needed to feel secure, safe and loved. He’d been acting up a lot. His little head was confused and he was upset.

Jess put on her seatbelt and I drove out of the school car park.

‘Do you think Pippa will stay sober now?’ she asked softly.

Pippa was out of rehab and, so far, every time she had turned up to the house to visit Robert, she had been sober and together. She looked very fragile, though. She’d lost a lot of weight and was very drawn. Jack insisted on being there when she came to see their son and watched her like a hawk. He’d been so upset by what we’d witnessed at Pippa’s apartment that he was determined to make sure he protected Robert at all costs.

‘I’m praying Pippa stays sober, but I’ll be honest with you, I’m not sure she will. She seems very vulnerable, and she’s lost her purpose, her confidence and her job. Somehow, she’ll have to find a way to build herself up again. We’ll help her, of course. I’ve already asked Quentin to see about getting her some catalogue modelling work. We’ll just have to take it a day at a time and see.’

‘Mum?’

‘Yes, pet.’

‘I never said this to you, but I want to say thanks for not falling apart when you broke up with Dad, and for being so brave, going out and getting a job, paying the rent and looking after me. I know it must have been a total nightmare, but you were amazing.’

I pulled the car over, put my head down on the steering wheel and began to bawl my eyes out. For so long I’d wanted Jess to acknowledge what I’d done for her. I’d wondered if she’d ever know how deep I’d had to dig not to fall apart. I’d wondered if she’d noticed how hard I’d worked to keep us afloat. All I wanted was my beautiful daughter to see what I had done and to recognize the courage it had taken. It meant the world to me.

‘Jesus, Mum, what’s wrong?’

‘No … no … I’m just … I’m just so happy that you … that you said that.’

‘Well, then, why are you crying your eyes out?’

Because I was a middle-aged woman whose life had turned out to be very different from what I’d imagined, but who, after a few really rotten years, was happy with my lot. I had a man I loved, a daughter I adored and a stepson I loved more every day. I had my sisters and Gavin, and I had Dad, who was around a lot more now that he’d broken up with Dolores. I’d had a brilliant mum to show me the way. I was lucky, very, very lucky.

I took a deep breath and hugged Jess. ‘Until you have a child of your own, you’ll never know how much you can love another human being. You are my everything, Jess. And all the strength you see in me, it’s in you. I see it.’

‘Stop,’ Jess cried out. ‘You’ll make me cry.’

We hugged, and when I had finally stopped crying, we headed home.

The doorbell rang and I went to answer it. It was Pippa. She wasn’t due to visit Robert today. She was dressed nicely, make-up on and hair done. She looked more like her old self.

‘Hi,’ she said. ‘I know it’s not my day, but I really needed to see him. Can I come in?’

Jack and his lawyer had been very clear. Pippa was allowed to visit only at allocated times when Jack was in the house. But she was a mother who missed her son. I couldn’t turn her away and, besides, I was there in case anything went wrong.

‘Please, Sophie.’

‘Okay, come on in. He’s in the TV room.’

Pippa went in, said hi to Jess and hugged Robert, who was thrilled to see his mother. Jess and I left them alone but kept the door open and hovered outside.

‘I didn’t know you were coming today. Daddy said you were coming on Sunday when we all go to the zoo, you, me and Daddy together,’ Robert said. ‘Daddy said we can go and see the new baby elephant.’

‘I wanted to see you because I miss you, baby.’

‘I miss you too, Mummy. Can I have ice cream on Sunday?’

‘About Sunday, sweetie, there’s been a slight change of plan.’

What? What did she mean ‘a slight change of plan’? Jack would go nuts. Robert had been looking forward to it all week. I’d spent hours the night before looking up all the animals and making a list of the ones he most wanted to see and working out where they were on the zoo map.

‘Oh, no. He’ll be crushed.’ Jess put her hand to her mouth.

‘What does that mean, Mummy?’ Robert’s little voice sounded so young and innocent. How could she let him down again?

‘It just means that we’ll go to the zoo another day.’

‘But I want to go on Sunday. You promised.’ Robert’s voice began to waver.

‘It’s okay, darling, we will definitely go to the zoo, just not this Sunday. I have to go away for a few days.’

Go away where? Was she drinking again? Was she going back to rehab? What the hell was going on?

‘I want to go on Sunday. You said we were going. Why can’t we go?’

‘Well, you know Mummy has been sick?’

‘Yes, but you’re all better now.’

‘I am, but I’m tired and I need a little holiday. My friend has invited me to go away to the sun for a few days. I think Mummy deserves a little holiday, don’t you?’

Oh, my God, how could she? How could she let her son down like this? What friend? What holiday? How dare she make this all about her? He was a six-year-old kid, who needed his bloody mother to show up.

‘I suppose so.’ Robert’s voice quivered.

Jess shook her head and whispered, ‘How can she do this to him?’

‘Don’t look sad. Be happy for Mummy. When I come back from my holiday, I’ll be feeling good and we can go to the zoo then.’

‘But I want to go this week.’

‘I understand, but I can’t go. I need a break, Robert. I’m exhausted. Don’t make Mummy feel bad.’

‘Sorry, Mummy.’

That selfish bitch, crushing his little heart, then making him feel guilty for being disappointed. Enough of this crap.

I walked into the room, Jess hot on my heels, and glared at her. ‘Holiday, Pippa?’

‘Yes.’ She flicked her hair back.

‘Who’s the friend?’

‘None of your business. I have to go now. Bye, my love.’ She hugged Robert, whose arms hung limply by his sides.

‘Jess, stay with Robert, please. I’ll walk Pippa out.’ I closed the TV-room door behind us. Turning on her, I hissed, ‘How could you do that? He was so looking forward to the day out with you and Jack.’

‘He’s fine. I’ll bring him next week and it’s really none of your business.’

‘It is my business, Pippa, because I’m the one who’ll have to pick up the pieces of his broken heart when you swan off on your holiday.’

She rolled her eyes. ‘It’s a trip to the zoo, Sophie, not his graduation ceremony.’

‘He’s a kid who has been through a lot lately,’ I reminded her. ‘Please don’t let him down again. It’s just not fair.’

She swung around. ‘Do not tell me how to raise my son. I don’t tell you what do to with Jess, so back off with Robert.’

‘You don’t have to deal with the fallout from this. I do ,’ I hissed. ‘I’ll be the one consoling him because his mother put herself first, again.’

‘Oh, please, stop with the Saint Sophie crap.’

‘I’m no saint, Pippa, but I try to be a good mother. Just change your plans and go away next weekend.’

‘I can’t.’

‘Why not?’

‘Because Vincent can only go this weekend.’

I stared at her in shock. ‘You got back with that jerk? I thought you’d left all that behind?’

‘He missed me. He begged me to come back to him and he swore he’d leave his wife this time.’

Dear God, was she really that stupid? ‘Come on, Pippa, you know that’s bullshit.’

‘I need this.’ She bit her thumbnail. ‘I need to feel – to feel like I matter. I need to feel loved. I hate myself. I hate my life. I need some fun.’

I had to make her see. ‘Pippa, you’ll build your confidence back up by being a good mother. You’ll find joy in Robert. He’s a brilliant kid. Spend more time with him. He adores you.’

Pippa fished around in her oversized tote for her car keys. ‘It’s not enough,’ she said quietly. ‘I know it should be, but it isn’t.’

It sounded so cold it took my breath away. I had never heard any woman ever say those words.

I put my hands on her shoulders. ‘Pippa, look at me.’

She avoided eye contact.

‘Please, please, don’t do this. Getting back with Vincent is not good for your recovery. Think of your son. What we saw that day in your apartment was distressing, to say the least. You have a beautiful child. Fight for him, Pippa. Get well for him. Love him, engage with him. He will give you so much joy.’

‘I can’t do it.’ Tears rolled down her cheeks. ‘I just can’t. I don’t want to be tied down. I don’t know how to be a mother. I resent him. That’s the truth, Sophie. I know I’m evil and heartless for saying that, but I do. I’m a shit mother and I’ll only ruin his life. He’s better off without me. You’re a good mother. He’ll be happy and safe with you and Jack. I’m not good enough to be his mother. He deserves a happy life and he’ll have that with you guys.’

I stood there in absolute shock. Was she really saying that she was giving up? Was she giving up her son? My brain couldn’t even process it.

She turned and walked towards the front door. I called after her, ‘What am I supposed to tell Jack?’

She returned, her face streaked with tears. ‘Tell him I’m sorry, but I need more. Being a mum isn’t enough. I realize that makes me some kind of freak and a monster, but it’s the truth.’

‘Please, Pippa.’ I was crying now too. ‘Robert needs his mum. You’ll regret this. Please.’

She shook her head. ‘I can’t, Sophie … I just can’t. I’ve made my decision. Jack can have full custody. I’ll visit, but I’m not made to be a mum. I’m sorry.’

She walked away from me and from her son. I was now officially going to be a full-time stepmum to a broken-hearted little boy.