34. Louise

Clara put on the top Marco had sent her. It was soft, had no seams and had blue and white Breton stripes. He had completely understood what she liked to wear and she loved it.

‘I want to wear it so he can see it arrived in the post and I like it,’ Clara said, as I set up my laptop for her Zoom call with Marco.

We dialled the number at the prearranged time of eight p.m. He answered immediately and his smiling face filled the screen.

‘ Buonasera, tesoro ,’ he said.

‘ Buonasera , Marco.’ Clara smiled at the screen.

‘Your smile is like the sunshine,’ Marco gushed. ‘It fills my heart with love.’

Clara giggled. ‘How is the farm? How are the cats?’

‘The farm is good. I am working very ’ard. I cannot wait for you to come and visit.’

‘I want to come but I hate flying. It makes me anxious.’

‘I know Claretta, but my mother is too old to come to Dublin, so can you thinking about it?’

‘You mean, can I think about it?’

From behind Clara, I shook my head at him. I didn’t want Marco putting any pressure on Clara to travel over. I had told him not to push it. I knew his mother was eighty-three and not in good health, but I didn’t want Clara to feel any kind of guilt or obligation to have to go.

Catching my cue, Marco said, ‘Yes. Esattamente . But you only do what is right for you. You only come if you are not frightened. I can come to you and you can talk to Mamma on the Zoom.’

He called his mother and she came shuffling into view.

‘Claretta,’ she cooed. ‘ Mia bellissima nipotina. ’

Clara greeted her grandmother in Italian. Anna then began to talk fast as Marco tried to translate.

‘You’re so beautiful and brave. I love you. I want to hold your face and kiss you before I die,’ Marco translated.

Clara gasped. ‘Is Anna going to die like Granny did?’

‘No!’ I jumped in. Jesus, Marco, come on.

‘No.’ Marco realized his mistake. ‘She is healthy woman. She is excited to meet you. This is just her way of saying this.’

Clara’s breathing settled and she chatted to Marco and Anna for another ten minutes before saying she was tired.

They blew her kisses and waved as I closed down the call.

Clara was quiet as I tucked her into bed. I knew my daughter like the back of my hand and I knew she was mulling something over in her beautiful, complicated mind.

‘Are you all right, sweetheart?’ I asked.

‘I really, really want to go and see Marco and Anna. I want to see the farm and the olive trees and the animals – except the big dog.’

‘I know you do, but if you’re worried about the flight and the travel, then wait until you feel calmer about it. There’s no rush. They’re not going anywhere.’

‘But Granny died. I thought she would be by my side for ever, but she’s gone now. What if Anna dies too? I need to go over, Mummy. I have to be brave and just go.’

I held out my arms for her to snuggle into. ‘Clara, you are only to do what you feel up to. If you decide you want to go, we will organize every detail together and I’ll be by your side every step of the way.’

She pulled back and lay down. ‘I think I will go. I’ll decide for definite tomorrow.’

‘Okay, sweetie.’

I turned her lights down low and left her to sleep on this big decision. I was worried it might be too much. But her relationship with Marco was developing so well and she really did seem to be getting closer to her father, so if she wanted to go, I would support her all the way.

The next day, Zo? arrived late, yet again, for our Tuesday meeting. The other four made it in on time, but not Zo?. I’d been awake half the night researching the best, least stressful and calmest way to get Clara to Italy and worrying about it overwhelming her. Marco was brilliant with her and understood her boundaries, but I wasn’t sure Anna would. I was concerned that she might smother Clara and bring on a big meltdown.

Zo? swanned in, with a barely mumbled ‘Sorry for being late,’ sat down and proceeded to drink her take-out coffee. She was, as always, immaculately dressed in a designer trouser suit with a large Cartier watch sparkling on her arm. Clearly Mummy and Daddy had a lot of cash.

I glared at her.

‘What?’ she asked, as cool as you like.

‘I’m confused. If you were running late, why did you stop for a take-out coffee?’

She giggled. ‘OMG, Louise, if I don’t have my coffee in the morning, I’m a monster.’

‘Why are you late?’ I could feel the other interns tensing.

‘I was awake all night having, like, mini panic attacks, so I slept through my alarm.’

‘What were you panicking about? Being late for work? Shoddy work? A bad attitude to authority?’

Zo?’s eyes narrowed. She placed her coffee down. ‘Actually, Louise, I have some personal issues I’m struggling with right now. My mental health is very fragile.’

‘What issues?’

Her eyes widened. ‘Personal ones that I have no intention of discussing.’

‘What are you doing about it? Are you seeing a therapist? On anti-anxiety medication?’

‘That is none of your business.’ She looked at her fellow workmates for support, but they were all studying their notes with great intensity.

I stood up. ‘Actually, it is my business because your very convenient mental-health issues are affecting my clients, my department and my reputation. So I need to know what you are doing to make sure you begin working to a level that is worthy of my team.’

She stood up and eyeballed me. ‘I am working really hard. I was here until seven last night, wasn’t I, Josh?’

Josh looked up. ‘Uhm, about six thirty, seven.’

I began to clap slowly. ‘Congratulations, Zo?. You didn’t rush out of the door at five, like you usually do. You deserve a promotion.’

‘There’s no need to be a bitch.’

I froze. ‘Excuse me? What did you call me?’

Zo? reddened. ‘You’re being totally unfair and kind of a bully right now.’

A red mist descended on me. I was just so tired of looking at that face lying to me and using mental health to do it. It was wrong and cynical, and I had reached my limit.

Leaning across the table towards her, I roared, ‘I am so sick of your bullshit, your whining and the way you throw mental health around as if it’s a cold. There are people in this office dealing with serious issues, people who have real problems, but who still manage to make it in on time and do their work. You are an overindulged, entitled, pathetic excuse for a young woman. Your attitude stinks. You don’t have mental-health issues or anxiety. The only things you have are a shoddy attitude, a complete self-obsession and a pathetic attitude to work. It’s disgusting the way you use mental health so casually to excuse being hung-over, lazy or late. You are insulting and demeaning the people, like my own daughter, who truly struggle. You need to take a long, hard look at yourself and figure out if you want to continue going through life being a selfish, self-centred, pathetic excuse for a human being. You will go nowhere and achieve nothing with your attitude. Now get out of my sight and do not come back to this office.’

Zo?’s eyes flashed. ‘How dare you speak to me like that? I’m going straight to HR and, FYI, I recorded your hate speech.’ She waved her phone at me triumphantly.

‘Run along, Zo?. Go and tell HR about your mean boss.’ I kept my voice calm, but my mind was racing. What was the legal position of filming without my consent? Could the recording cause me trouble?

I got an answer to that question very quickly. At midday my assistant, Jenny, came into my office and shut the door behind her.

‘Louise, I’ve just received a call asking you to report to the HR office immediately.’

I looked at her. ‘Okay. I’ll just finish this and head over.’

She hesitated. ‘Just to let you know, one of the girls over there gave me a heads-up. There’s been a serious complaint made against you. I’m just saying that so you’re prepared. It sounds like there’ll be a few of them waiting to talk to you.’

I sighed. ‘Thanks for the info. I appreciate it. I know what it’s about. I’m sure you can guess that Zo?’s involved.’

Jenny nodded. ‘No surprise there, it’s been coming for a while, hasn’t it?’

‘Yes, it has. Right. I’ll go and talk to them, see what’s happening.’

I got up, smoothed my dress, then walked purposefully down the hallway. I was aware of all eyes on me as I went by – obviously word had got round that there had been a drama between me and Zo?. I held my head high and looked at no one.

Outside the door of HR, I took a deep breath, then rapped smartly.

‘Come in.’

I opened the door and stepped inside.

Julie handed me a coffee laced with whiskey. ‘So, you were asked to take a day or two off to cool down?’

‘HR said the video was “problematic”, and as I had no evidence of Zo? calling me a bitch and bully, it looked one-sided. They told me to work from home for a few days while they try to figure it out.’

‘That sneaky little bitch.’ Julie handed me a brownie.

‘I shouldn’t have lost my temper. It was unprofessional.’

‘You’ve a lot on your plate. Give yourself a break.’

‘Yes, but I still have to be unflappable in work.’

Marion came through the kitchen door holding up her phone. ‘Louise, you’re trending on Twitter.’

‘What?’ Julie and I looked at her.

‘There’s a video of you online losing your shit.’

‘Oh, my God, she posted the video,’ Julie gasped.

I felt sick – the thought of her doing that hadn’t even entered my head.

‘You have about fifty per cent support. Pro you is hashtag mentalhealthisreal and the ones against you are hashtag bossbully. They’re tearing into each other, one side saying you were bang on, the other saying you can’t talk to anyone like that in a work environment.’

I put my face in my hands. This was bad. It was really, really bad.

Julie tutted. ‘Don’t worry. Marion said lots of people support you.’

I groaned. ‘Julie, no one is going to hire a lawyer who is videoed losing her temper with an intern. This is a disaster.’

‘I think you come across like a total badass. I’d want you to represent me,’ Marion said. ‘I’ve been on happy pills for years, and it pisses me off to think some spoiled cow is faking problems and throwing anxiety around like it’s a fucking joke.’

I took off my glasses and put them on the countertop. ‘I’ll have to get a cease-and-desist, but it’s too late. It’s out there now. I may be looking for a new job.’

‘But is this not a good thing?’ Julie said. ‘I mean, Zo? has launched a private company matter into the public domain. Is that not against her work contract?’

I shrugged. ‘You may be right, but you know how law firms are. They hate adverse publicity of any kind. So, yeah, it’s a strike against her, but she only posted a video. I’m the one shouting and roaring. I’m the one who lost control. She’ll play the victim card and Walter is so besotted with his precious goddaughter he’ll probably believe her.’

‘It’s a shit show,’ Marion said, staring at her phone. ‘This video has caught fire. It’s all over Instagram now too. That young one has royally screwed you.’

‘Okay, let’s look at it from a different perspective,’ Julie said, desperate, as always, to make things better. ‘Why don’t you use this incident as a sign that you need to take some time off? You’ve had a really tough year with Mum and Marco and all of the things that have happened.’

‘I have a mortgage to pay and a daughter to raise.’

‘I know that, but come on, Louise, you could take a few months off. You have plenty of savings. I think it would be good for you,’ Julie insisted.

‘I think you should have your own show, like Judge Judy , or you could be the new host of The Apprentice ,’ Marion said.

‘I don’t think so.’ I fiddled with my cup. This was bad. A video of me eviscerating a junior on my team was not a good look. Damnit, why hadn’t I controlled my temper? She had been niggling me for months and I should have managed her better from the beginning. But I knew I hadn’t been firing on all cylinders in work for the last while. I was not the usual Louise, all over everything, putting out fires and dealing with difficult employees. I had let myself down and now Zo? had the upper hand. I was furious with myself. ‘Before I go home and think this through, distract me with news. How are the triplets? Are they excited about the final?’

Julie filled Marion’s cup with whiskey. ‘Not as excited as their father but, yes, they’re up to ninety. I can’t wait for it to be over. It’s consumed our lives. It’s wonderful, but I’ve had enough now. I don’t want to hear another word about rugby. And, truth be told, I’m also very glad that I won’t have to wear the scratchy hat and scarf ever again and I can leave the WhatsApp group.’

‘How about you, Marion? What’s new in your life?’ I wanted distraction and Marion was usually good at providing it.

‘Actually, my car crash of a life is not too bad at the moment. Greg has paid his child support without me having to chase him for the last two months and … I have a boyfriend.’ She grinned at us. ‘And he’s nice and kind and lovely to me.’

‘That’s great.’

‘A farmer called Seamus,’ Julie said.

‘Where did you meet?’ I asked.

‘He was one of my sex-line callers.’

‘Right.’ I was lost for words.

‘All he ever did was chat about his cows and his sheep, life and nature, and we got to know each other really well. He never seemed to want the dirty talk. Anyway, after six months, he asked me out. So, I met him and he isn’t a hunchback, he doesn’t have a face like a slapped fish or a deformity or erectile dysfunction. He has all his own teeth and a fairly decent body. He’s attractive and seems normal.’

‘He’s mad about her.’ Julie beamed at her friend.

‘Good for you.’ I meant it. Marion was a lot to take, but she’d been through the mill and she deserved happiness.

‘Ah, he’ll probably turn out to be a serial killer and you’ll find my head in his fridge and my tits in the freezer, but for now, it’s nice.’

I fished my phone out of my bag to check the time. I had forty messages, five missed calls from HR and one from Walter. I held it up to show them.

‘It looks like the video has made it into the office. I have to go and sort this out, if I can. Thanks for the coffee.’

Leo burst through the kitchen door. ‘Mum, Louise is trending on TikTok.’ Then he saw me at the counter. He high-fived me, looking very proud, to my surprise.

‘This is gold, Auntie Louise.’

‘What are people saying?’

Leo stopped scrolling. ‘Well …’ he hesitated ‘… it’s mixed.’

‘Give it to me straight,’ I said.

‘It’s not good. People don’t like that you accused her of faking mental-health issues. It’s kind of a trigger word on TikTok. It’s a bit of a pile-on.’

Julie hugged me tightly. ‘Don’t worry, Louise. You did nothing wrong. People will see that. This is just a knee-jerk reaction to the initial post. People will see your side. We’re all Team Louise here.’

‘I think it’s kinda cool. There’s a meme!’ He laughed and turned his phone to show me.

It was me shouting, ‘I am so sick of your bullshit,’ with fire coming out of my mouth.

This was not good. Clients could see it. My headache was getting worse, I needed to go home. I stood up and grabbed my handbag.

Julie walked me out. ‘It’ll be okay. It’s a storm in a teacup. It’ll blow over. Let me know if I can do anything.’

‘Thanks. I will.’

I had a distinct feeling there was nothing anyone could do. I was going to have to weather this storm alone and I had no idea what the fallout would be.