30. Sophie

Julie had arranged for us to meet for a drink. She hadn’t been herself at Louise’s meet-Marco-in-Dublin event and I was worried something was wrong. I arrived five minutes early and was surprised to see Gavin already sitting at a table, drinking a pint of Guinness.

‘Hi.’

‘Hi,’ he said, his mouth ringed by Guinness froth. ‘God, this tastes good.’

‘Thirsty?’

‘Wrecked and badly in need of a night out and adult conversation. I love Lemon but being on my own with her all day when she’s up half the night is beginning to grind me down. Shania’s travelling a lot, so it’s just me and the baby. The minute she got home tonight I ran out the door.’

The waitress came over to take my order. As I was ordering a glass of red wine, Louise marched in, sat down and barked, ‘White wine, Pinot Grigio, not too dry, large glass.’

The waitress scurried off. Sometimes my sister was just a little too curt, but I wasn’t going to tackle her on it in the mood she was in.

‘Tough day at the office?’ Gavin asked.

‘It wouldn’t have been if Zo? hadn’t fucked up yet again by ordering pulled pork sandwiches for a working lunch with my Muslim client.’

‘Oh, no!’ I gasped.

‘Oh, yes,’ Louise said. ‘I was mortified.’

‘To be fair, at her age I probably could have made that mistake.’ Gavin held his hand up.

‘First of all, I told her he was Muslim and to order the lunch accordingly. She constantly bangs on about being woke and sensitive to sexual preferences, minorities, ethnicities and cultures, but when it comes down to it, the only person she gives a flying fuck about is herself.’

Our drinks arrived and while Louise drank deeply from her glass, I let her cool off as I turned back to Gavin. ‘The days with a newborn can be long. You should bring Lemon to those baby-group, happy-clappy things. At least you’d get to interact with other parents.’

‘I’ve tried that, but I’m the only dad and the mums or nannies are all in groups. I end up on my own, like some kind of freak of nature. I’ve tried chatting to the mums but they either think I’m hitting on them, am a loser or I don’t get it because I didn’t give birth or breastfeed.’

Louise, who had polished off her wine in about three gulps, snorted. ‘Welcome to the real world. When I became the first female partner in my law firm in London, I had to deal with all the male partners thinking I didn’t belong, wasn’t smart enough, strong enough or ballsy enough to walk among them. I had to fight my corner every single day and prove myself until they finally accepted me and then, when I became more successful than they were, most of them felt threatened by me. It’s never easy to be a minority, but you have to tough it out to break down barriers.’

Gavin put down his pint. ‘Jesus, Louise, I just want a bit of mindless chat and a coffee with other stay-at-home parents. I’m not looking to change the world. And how thick were the male partners in your firm not to see you were a ball-breaker from the first time they met you?’

‘Not thick, just blinded by their own egos.’

Julie hurried across the bar and sat down with us. She ordered a bottle of wine and took off her coat. She seemed distracted.

‘How’s Lemon?’ she asked Gavin. ‘Sleeping any better?’

Gavin shook his head. ‘Not great. I was up half the night with her. Thank God Shania came back today.’

Julie laughed. ‘Get used to it. I survived on three hours’ sleep for years.’

‘Jeez, Julie, you remind me all the time. I’m doing my best, it’s just hard sometimes, that’s all. A bit of sympathy wouldn’t go amiss.’

Julie looked at me, eyebrows raised.

‘He’s grumpy because the baby-group mums don’t include him and he feels marginalized,’ I explained.

‘Hashtag leperdad,’ Louise said, laughing.

‘Welcome to my world,’ Julie said. ‘And it’s not just because you’re a man. The other mums sprinted away from me because I had triplets and no one wanted that chaos near their babies. It was bloody lonely for me too. If it wasn’t for Marion, I don’t know what I would have done.’

‘To be fair, Julie, the triplets were kind of wild.’ I laughed, trying to lighten the mood. ‘If I’d met you in a baby group, I’d probably have run away too.’

Julie flinched, her face flushed with emotion. ‘Really, Sophie? Well, you would have been very bloody foolish because my boys are the very people who are putting themselves on the line to defend your daughter right now.’

What? What was she talking about and why was she so angry?

‘What do you mean, defend Jess? Defend her from what?’

Julie took a large gulp of wine and exhaled, getting her emotions under control. I looked at Louise and Gavin. Did they know what was going on? No. They were equally shocked at her outburst.

Julie put her glass down. ‘I’m sorry for snapping. I asked you to meet me here because we have a problem and I need your help. It involves Jess and my boys too.’

‘What problem?’ My mind was racing. What had Jess done? Why were the boys involved? Oh, Christ, was it something to do with Sebastian?

Julie rubbed her forehead. ‘You know that Jess was seeing Sebastian, right?’ she asked me.

‘Yes, obviously.’

Twisting her bracelet around her wrist, Julie said, ‘Okay, please don’t freak out. I didn’t tell you this because I didn’t want to worry you, you have a lot going on, but at that big party we had for the squad, I found Jess and Sebastian in Tom’s bedroom. Jess was drunk and she had her top off. Don’t panic, she had her skirt on and he had his jeans on. They didn’t have sex.’

My hand flew to my mouth. What? Jess? Topless? Jesus Christ. ‘What the hell? How could you not tell me?’ I gasped.

‘Because she was okay, I promise you I checked. She begged me not to tell you and I didn’t want to upset you about it and I knew Jess was mortified and I spoke to her at length and she promised never to do anything stupid like that again. She was so ashamed and upset and I didn’t want to make it worse by telling you.’

‘Jesus Christ, Julie, I’m her mother! You should have told me straight away.’ I felt sick. The wine was curdling in my stomach.

‘Technically I should have, but Jess made a silly mistake – we all made mistakes as teenagers. I walked in on them before anything serious could happen. She was so embarrassed and I didn’t want to add to her shame by telling you.’

‘Well, you bloody well should have.’ I was furious. How dare Julie keep this from me? My God, if she hadn’t walked in, they could have had sex. Jess could have got pregnant. Did she even know to ask a guy to put on a condom? I hadn’t had those conversations with her because she was only fifteen. My head throbbed. I’d have to go home, sit her down and, aside from killing her for being so bloody stupid, talk to her about birth control.

‘And what the hell was she doing in Tom’s bedroom? You persuaded me to let her stay by promising to look after her. I trusted you to keep an eye on her. I presumed she’d be safe in your house, not drunk and half naked with a guy who was no doubt pushing for sex. Jesus Christ, Julie! What the hell were you doing? Where were your boys? Why weren’t they looking out for her?’

‘I had nearly a hundred people in my house, Sophie. I was trying to do everything. I didn’t think Jess would do something so silly in my house, under my nose.’

‘How can you be sure she didn’t have sex? Maybe they were half dressed because they’d had sex and were putting their clothes back on. Jess could be pregnant right now, or have an STD!’ I was shouting. The people at the table beside us looked over.

‘They didn’t. Jess told me what happened. She was drunk and they had only been messing about. I talked to her about getting the morning-after pill if she needed it. She swore on Mum’s grave that she hadn’t had sex.’

I began to shake and cry as rage and shock coursed through my body. ‘You spoke to my daughter about the morning-after pill and didn’t think it was a good idea to tell me this happened? Oh, my God, I literally cannot believe this!’

Gavin leaned forward. ‘To be fair, Sophie, it sounds like Julie was protecting Jess and you. Jess would never swear on Mum’s grave and lie. She’s a good kid. They were probably just groping each other.’

I glared at him. ‘I do not need to be protected from information about my daughter and her actions, Gavin. How would you feel if this was Lemon?’

He shuddered. ‘Lemon isn’t going out until she’s eighteen.’

‘I’m sorry, Sophie. Jess was so distressed and she was desperate for you not to know and think less of her and be furious.’

‘I am her mother!’ I hissed.

Louise laid a gentle hand on my arm. ‘I think Julie’s intentions were good. I understand that you wish she had told you, but the bottom line is, Jess is okay and nothing bad happened to her.’

‘But he was obviously pushing her to have sex, or at least mess around. I should know that. I know he’s a jerk, but I didn’t know he was pressuring her to get naked and God knows what else. I bloody well needed to be aware of that so I could protect her. Jesus, I’m so furious I can hardly breathe. I can’t stay here. I have to go. I can’t believe you did this, Julie. I feel so betrayed.’ I stood up and grabbed my bag.

Julie held up her hand. ‘Wait, Sophie, there’s more.’

‘What?’ My heart skipped a beat. I couldn’t take any more.

Julie hesitated.

‘What’s going on, Julie?’ Louise asked.

‘Liam got suspended for punching Sebastian in the face. He wouldn’t tell me why, but I got it out of the other two. So, it seems that Sebastian was in the locker room boasting about Jess … about … the …’

‘Just spit it out, Julie,’ Louise said impatiently.

I was frozen to the spot. My heart was pounding in my chest.

‘About Jess giving him blow-jobs, and he has a photo of her topless, which he showed the triplets,’ Julie blurted out.

‘Jesus!’ Gavin gasped.

‘No no no no no, oh, God, no.’ Not Jess. Not photos, not horrible disgusting rumours. Not my beautiful Jess. A girl’s reputation was everything. How dare he? How could he hurt and humiliate Jess like that? The room was spinning and I realized tears were sliding silently down my cheeks. Please, no.

Louise put her arm around me and guided me down into my chair. My legs were shaking. ‘Breathe,’ she instructed.

‘So Liam punched him?’ Gavin said.

Julie nodded. ‘And the triplets tried to wrestle the phone from him, but the coach walked in.’

‘So Sebastian still has his phone?’

‘Yes.’

‘Is the photo on the iCloud?’ Gavin asked.

‘Oh, God.’ I covered my face. This could not be happening.

‘I don’t know,’ Julie admitted.

‘How do we find out?’ Louise asked Gavin.

‘We have to get our hands on the phone. Even if it is on the iCloud, it can be deleted from his photos app.’

‘What if he forwarded it to his mates?’ Louise asked.

‘Well, if it’s Snapchat, it’s gone. If it’s WhatsApp, you’ll see it on his phone and we can track down whoever has it,’ Gavin said.

I moaned – I actually felt like I was having a heart attack, my chest was so tight. ‘I told her to stay away from that arsehole. I knew he was poison. I’m going to kill her. How could she let him take photos? And give him … oh, God … oral sex. How could you let this happen, Julie? Why didn’t you protect her?’ I sobbed.

‘I tried, but I had to look after my guests and … I know I failed. I’m so sorry. Believe me, no one is sorrier than me.’

‘I think you’ll find that I am, and that Jess will be when she finds out. Oh, my God, how am I going to tell her? Does everyone in the school know?’

‘The kids on the team heard Sebastian boasting about the – the blow-jobs, but he only showed the photo to the triplets. Then Liam punched him and the coach came in and now Liam’s been dropped from the team for the semi-final. He’s absolutely devastated but he refused to tell the coach he had hit Sebastian to protect Jess. Harry and I were dragged up to school by the headmaster. Harry, the boys and I are doing everything we can to keep this from getting out.’

‘Oh, poor Liam, he must be gutted. That’s not fair. What a legend protecting his cousin,’ Gavin said.

I was in no mood to hear that anyone in Julie’s family was a hero – my fifteen-year-old daughter had been left in their care, neglected, and put in a really dangerous predicament by all of them.

‘He’s barely spoken two words since it happened.’ Julie’s voice shook. ‘He’s crushed.’

My rage exploded. ‘Not as crushed as I am to hear all of this. Not as devastated as Jess will be when she finds out that she’s the laughing-stock of the school and people are talking about her giving blow-jobs and looking at a photo of her breasts!’ I began to sob uncontrollably.

‘In fairness, Sophie, it’s not the boys’ fault or Julie’s,’ Gavin said softly. ‘Jess got herself into this situation. And the blow-job story is probably bullshit. Lots of teenage boys boast about things they did with girls that didn’t actually happen.’

‘I’m so furious with her! I told her to stay away from him and his family. I knew he was trouble,’ I spat.

‘Don’t be too hard on Jess,’ Louise said. ‘She’s a good kid who fell for the wrong guy, drink was involved and things got out of hand. It could happen to anyone. It happens all the time. What we need to focus on is how to shut down the rumours and get rid of that photo. We need to be strategic about this to protect Jess and give Sebastian his comeuppance.’

‘Louise is right,’ Gavin said. ‘You don’t want this story going viral.’

‘Oh, Jesus, please, no,’ I gasped. The thought of boys and girls looking at Jess’s boobs and talking about her in a derogatory and disgusting way made me want to throw up.

‘How do we fix this?’ Julie asked. ‘I’ll do anything.’

‘Liam needs to play that semi-final. He’s a hero,’ Gavin added.

‘Jess is the priority, not some bloody rugby match.’ Jesus, did Gavin not understand this was Jess’s reputation on the line? That photo would follow her around for the rest of her life.

Louise sat forward, her face in business mode. ‘We do not want to go to the police because you will have no control once they get involved, and who knows what could happen? If we send a legal letter to Victoria about the photo, she’ll just come back saying Jess consented to it. It’ll be his word against hers. You do not want to get dragged into a legal battle. If we approach the coach and the headmaster, it will be the same kind of thing: Sebastian will deny he said anything and claim that the photo was consensual. Jess will have to come in and say they weren’t and it will be pretty humiliating for her. Let me talk to a few colleagues – completely confidentially – and see what their advice is. We need to be very careful with how we approach it. But, don’t worry, I’ll have a plan in place by tomorrow lunchtime and we’ll talk it through. I’ve got you, Sophie. We’ll resolve this mess and protect Jess.’

‘Thank you, Louise. At least one of my sisters is going to protect my daughter.’

‘Sophie, I’m sorry. I was trying to protect Jess.’ Julie’s voice shook.

‘Really? Well, you did a pretty shitty job of it,’ I hissed.

I couldn’t bear another second of this, or of Julie’s face and voice. I got up, grabbed my bag, turned on my heel and stormed out.

I stood outside Jess’s bedroom door, trying to get my thoughts straight. Thank God Jack was at the cinema with Robert. I couldn’t handle them right now. I needed to clear my head and talk to Jess. I needed the truth, the whole sordid, unvarnished truth, from my daughter.

It was important that I remained calm. Even though my siblings had said poor Jess wasn’t to blame, I did blame her. I blamed her for getting drunk. I blamed her for going out with such a dickhead. I blamed her for going into a bedroom with him and taking her top off and …

I closed my eyes, took four long breaths, and opened the door. As usual, she was sprawled on her bed, face in her phone.

‘OMG, can you knock? I could have been naked in here.’

Speaking of naked, I wanted to shout, you don’t seem to have a problem with it.

Another deep breath. ‘Put down your phone. We need to have a serious chat.’

She rolled her eyes. ‘Oh, God, here we go … You need to study more, Jess, you need to do better in your exams, Jess, blah blah blah. I’ve heard it all before, Mum.’

I sat down on the edge of her bed and gripped the duvet. Stay calm.

‘Hang up.’

‘Fine. Talk to you later, Suzie.’ Turning to me, scowling. ‘What?’

‘Actually, Jess, this isn’t about school. This is about something a lot more serious. This is about … this is about Sebastian.’

‘Oh, my God, I know you don’t like him. I told you it’s over. We barely speak any more. Let it go.’

I looked at my na?ve almost-sixteen-year-old. She was so beautiful and so sure she knew everything there was to know, yet she was completely clueless as to how cruel boys could be. I was about to shatter her illusions.

‘Okay, Jess, there’s no way to sugar-coat this so I’m just going to tell you what Sebastian is doing and saying.’ I paused, then gave it to her straight. ‘He has been showing a topless photo of you in the locker room at Castle Academy.’

Jess frowned. I could see her trying to take in the information. She shook her head as if to rid herself of what she’d just heard. ‘I … What are you talking about?’

I gritted my teeth. ‘Apparently, the night I left you at Julie’s rugby party, you got drunk, went into Tom’s room with Sebastian, took your top off and allowed him to take a photo of you. He is now showing that photo in the rugby dressing room.’

Jess gasped and her hand flew to her mouth. ‘No. No way.’

‘Yes way.’

‘But he said … he said …’

‘What? That it was just for him? That it was private? And you believed him?’

‘Yes, and I didn’t want him to take the photo but I … I was … I …’

‘You were drunk and you made a really bad decision, Jess, which is why I told you not to drink. Which is why I wanted you to come home with me that night, but you begged to stay. You promised you’d behave, and Julie, my own sister, told me she’d look after you. That didn’t work out so well, now did it?’

Tears welled in her beautiful blue eyes. ‘But … Oh, no … He said it was just for fun, that he’d delete it. He said that … that I was so … beautiful … and … he was really into me … and … Oh, my God, did everyone see it?’

‘Apparently the triplets tried to wrestle his phone from him before he could show anyone else, and Liam punched him in the face to defend your honour. Liam has now been dropped from the team. Julie and Harry were called up to the school and told that their son is a disgrace.’ I laid it on thick. I wanted to drive home how her irresponsible choices had affected everyone. ‘To protect you, Liam has refused to say why he punched Sebastian. We need to keep the story quiet. Louise is talking to some lawyer friends tonight so we can figure out how to get the photo and shut Sebastian down.’

‘Oh, God, poor Liam, and Louise knows too … I’m so ashamed.’ Jess began to cry.

Half of me wanted to hug her and half of me wanted to scream at her. I did neither.

‘He has also been saying things about you, Jess, and I have to talk to you about it. I’m sorry, but I’m going to be blunt and you have to be honest. I can’t help you if you lie. You’ve lied enough. He said that you’ve been giving him blow-jobs.’

‘ What? ’ Jess shrieked.

‘Have you?’ I asked. We were way beyond awkwardness. We were in survival mode now. I was not beating around the bush.

‘No, Mum, I did not.’

‘Are you telling me the truth?’

‘Yes. I swear to you. He wanted me to, but I said no.’

Thank God.

‘Did you have sex with him?’

‘NO!’

‘Jess, if you lie to me, I cannot help or protect you. Your actions have caused havoc already. I cannot ask my family to defend you if you’re lying.’

Jess bawled into her hands. ‘I never did anything but kiss him and he felt my boobs. That’s it, Mum, I swear on my life.’

Looking at her, I knew it was the truth. ‘Okay, I believe you, but don’t you ever hide something like this from me again. And do not ever ask Julie to keep something like this from me. I am your mother, not Julie. I’m absolutely furious with her for not telling me. I don’t know if I can ever forgive her.’

Jess looked at me in horror. ‘Don’t be cross with Julie, Mum. I begged her not to tell you. She wanted to, but I kept pleading with her.’

‘She should have told me.’ I was never going to change my mind about that. It was way too serious an incident for Julie not to tell me. Part of me thought she was probably afraid to tell me because it showed she had neglected to look after Jess.

‘How could Sebastian do this?’ she sobbed.

‘I warned you,’ I said quietly. ‘Now, are there any other photos or videos we need to know about?’

‘No.’

‘Are you one hundred per cent sure?’

‘Yes.’ Tears rolled down her face. ‘I’m so sorry, Mum,’ she whispered. ‘I’m so ashamed.’

Good. She should be. I felt sorry for her, but I also wanted her to feel bad so she would never, ever do anything like that again. But she was still a kid, as Louise said, and we do all make mistakes. I had, there was no doubt about that.

I reached over and pulled her in for a hug. ‘It’s okay, we’ll sort it out.’

‘How?’

‘Louise is going to work out a plan and we’ll go over it tomorrow.’

Jess covered her face with her hands. ‘They must think I’m such an idiot and a slut.’

‘Hey,’ I said sharply, ‘don’t you dare call yourself a slut. You’re a fifteen-year-old who made a bad decision. It does not make you a slut. You are a victim. Remember that.’

From behind her hands she asked, ‘Does Dad know?’

‘Not yet.’

She grabbed my hand. ‘Please don’t tell him, please, Mum.’

‘I don’t want to keep secrets from your dad, Jess. I’m seething that Julie kept this from me, so I know exactly how it feels.’

Jess began to hyperventilate. ‘No, Mum, please … please, I’m begging you, I can’t bear him to know. Dad’s my absolute hero. I’d hate him to think I’m such a loser.’

The ‘Dad’s my absolute hero’ stung a bit, but I chose to ignore it.

‘Dad thinks I’m a princess. I don’t want him to know I’m just a stupid slut.’

She was bawling now and struggling to catch her breath. I’d never seen her so upset. I felt completely conflicted, torn between what I wanted to do, which was to tell Jack and share the handling of this horrible situation with him, and not upset her further, which would make things worse. She looked like she’d have a nervous breakdown if I insisted on telling him.

‘Calm down.’ I rubbed her back. ‘We’ll keep this between us for now. But I’m not saying I won’t tell him in the future. Now, I need you to listen to me carefully.’

‘Thank you, Mum. Thank you, thank you, thank you. And thanks for looking after me and trying to fix my mess.’

I kissed her forehead. ‘You’re the most important person in my life, Jess. I’d go to the ends of the Earth for you.’ And I would. I’d take a bullet for Jess. I’d kill for Jess. I’d lie and steal for Jess.

‘I love you, Mum.’

It had been a long time since she’d said that to me. I welled up. ‘I love you too.’

We hugged again.

‘And, Jess, remember, go for the nice guy next time. Not the overconfident jock, the nice, decent guy.’

‘I am never, ever going out with anyone again. In fact, I’m going to be a nun,’ she declared dramatically.

I laughed at that.

‘Mum?’

‘Yes?’

‘I know things are stressful with Robert living here full-time and Pippa in rehab, and I’m really sorry I dumped this on you too.’

‘Hey, now, hopefully everything will sort itself out when Pippa gets her life back on track.’

‘I know it’s been stressful for you and Dad. I heard you both fighting the other night and I got scared.’

‘Of what, pet?’

‘That you’re going to break up again, and Dad will move out to live with Robert somewhere else.’

‘Oh, Jess, please don’t worry. Dad and I argue about things every now and then, but that’s normal. All couples argue.’

‘But it reminded me of when you broke up and I couldn’t bear you to break up again. I love us being a family and I like Robert living here too, even though I know he’s not your son and it’s different, but I love my little brother so much.’

‘Robert may not be my biological son, but I love him too. Sure, he’s a little dote. And your dad and I are not going to break up. We’re very happy together, and please don’t worry if you hear us having little tiffs. It’s completely normal. I love your dad and he loves me.’

I had no idea Jess was feeling so fragile about our relationship. I had underestimated how worried she felt about us not being strong enough to last. She had been crushed when we’d separated and ecstatic when we got back together. I realized I needed to be more mindful of her feelings, and that Jack and I had to make sure not to argue when she was around. Poor Jess, she hadn’t had an easy childhood and I was hard on her. Probably too hard on her.

‘Jess, I’m sorry if I’m tough with you. I know I push you to do well and all that, and if it gets too much, tell me. You’ve had a lot to deal with in your young life and I’m so proud of you. I don’t tell you that enough, but I am.’

‘Not much to be proud of today.’ Jess smiled sadly. ‘I know I’ve let you down a lot, Mum. I wish I was cleverer. I know I have to work harder and go to university and get a good job and be independent and self-sufficient so that I’m never homeless. And I know I’m never supposed to depend on a man for self-esteem or financial support.’

Yikes! I’d clearly banged on about all of those things far too much. Poor Jess, it was a lot of pressure. It wasn’t fair of me to dump all of my insecurities and the mistakes I’d made on her shoulders. I needed to pull back and let the poor girl breathe.

I leaned over and held her hands. ‘Jess, you are the light and love of my life. I am crazy proud of you. Please don’t ever forget that. It was wrong of me to be so hard on you and put you under so much pressure. It isn’t fair and it’s my bad. As for the photo, we all make mistakes – God knows I’ve made a lot – but it’s how we handle them that matters. I love you so much. I should tell you that more often too.’

‘It’s okay, Mum. I know you just want me to have the best life possible and to be secure. I get it. But if you wanted to pull back a bit on the nagging, I’d be fine with that too.’ She grinned.

We heard the front door open and the sound of Jack and Robert’s voices. Jess and I wiped our eyes and went down to greet them. I watched Jess swing Robert around as he squealed with delight.

My heart was full. My beautiful family. We were by no means perfect. We had been battered and bruised by life. We had broken up, then Sellotaped ourselves back together. We had learned from our mistakes and we had found each other again. We might not all be biologically related, but we had love in abundance, and we had grit. We had weathered storms before and come out the other side. This storm would pass too and, all going well, Sebastian Carter-Mills would sink without a trace.