Chapter 34 Nolan

Chapter 34

Nolan

Leading up to today's game, I had managed to compartmentalize my life. All my issues with Lottie had been put in a crate and shoved to the back of my mind so I could focus for my team. That didn't mean I didn't wake up in the mornings and reach for the empty side of my bed, wishing she was there.

This is it.

Today's the day.

You'll put that jersey on one last time and then you'll take it off for the very last time.

I studied myself in the mirror of my hotel room. I had picked out my favorite suit for today's game. When I got up this morning, I didn't change a single thing of my normal routine. I ordered room service—two eggs over-easy with three strips of turkey bacon and orange juice. I showered and took my time getting ready, trying to treat today like it was any other game day.

My phone rang, pulling my attention away from my reflection.

"Nolan," my mother's voice came across the line. "How are you doing?"

I stuck the phone in between my ear and shoulder as I placed my bag by the door for when it was time to head down to the team bus.

"I'm doing okay, Ma," I told her. "Are you guys heading to the stadium soon?"

"We are. Hey, I don't want to take up too much of your time before the game. I know how you need it to prepare. Your dad and I just wanted to tell you that we love you and that we're proud of you."

My heart squeezed. My parents had been on this crazy ride just as much as I had. They were the ones that took me to every practice or game growing up. They were the ones that made sure my uniform was perfectly white after I got grass stains all over it. They were the ones that helped me through college so I could chase my dreams. Now they were watching me reach for one last dream today before this was gone. Today wasn't just for me. It was for them, too.

"Thanks, Ma. I love you guys, too. Thanks for everything all these years," I told her. My hand squeezed my phone tightly as I fought to keep the tears from falling. It was too early to cry yet today.

I grabbed my bag as soon as I hung up the call with my mother. The elevator was empty as I took it down to the lobby. As soon as I stepped out, I saw every television turned to the pregame broadcast. Analysts were talking about each team's odds for winning today.

"Nolan Hill may just be playing his very last game today. He's not just playing against San Diego today; he's playing against time as he tries to soak up every moment the day has to offer."

"Are you ready, champ?" Derek came up from behind me.

"Are you?" I asked.

Derek let out a chuckle as he wrapped his arm around my neck. "When am I ever not ready, Nolan?"

I reached up to ruffle Derek's perfectly styled hair, earning a punch to my gut in return.

"You and me, buddy?" Derek asked as we walked out to the buses.

"You and me."

That's all I wanted today's game to be. Me and all my friends playing one last game together.

"Heat pack?" Lottie asked me when I walked into the training room.

There was a lightness about her that I hadn't seen in weeks. We'd stayed friendly this entire week during practices here in Los Angeles. But I hadn't given her much attention because I needed this week for myself. If I wasn't playing again next year, I was going to soak up every ounce of these last few moments before they were gone.

And it seemed like she understood that.

"Please," I told her.

The normal charades of the Super Bowl were dulled inside the training room, but we could still hear the bass from the song the DJ played out on the field. The NFL hoped for today's event to be the biggest sporting event of the year, so no expense was spared. Between the entertainment they brought for before the game and the halftime show or the tailgating events they hosted for high-paying individuals, the entire thing was a spectacle.

But in this room, it was just the two of us. Like it had been the entire season. Exactly how I wanted it to be.

"Are you ready to have fun today?" Lottie asked me. She didn't ask if I was ready for the game like so many others. She didn't ask me if I was nervous. She only asked me if I was ready to have fun.

I remembered all the pep talks that she had given me throughout the season, but the one that stuck out the most to me was her reminder to have fun because I owed myself and all the work I'd put in that much.

Any nerves I had left floated away with her question.

"Are you?" The smile she gave back to me had me thanking the heavens that I got to walk into today's game with that image on my mind.

"First Super Bowl game I've gotten to be a part of. Can't say I'm not excited." Lottie's calm demeanor was slowly brushing off on me the longer I sat in here with her.

"I don't think it'll be your last," I told her.

Lottie laughed. "And it might not be yours either."

I don't think she intended her words to be a dig, but they stung, nonetheless. Her mouth dropped open when she saw the hurt on my face. I missed her and I wanted to clear the air between us. I wanted her to know that I'd made my decision, and I made it for myself. "I don't know about that."

The last thing I saw as I walked out of the training room was Lottie's slack jaw as she watched me leave—wondering if I had just told her I really was retiring after this year.

"One more game?" Hawthorn asked me as we all filed into the tunnel to run out onto the field.

"One more game," I agreed.

The cue from the NFL producers came shortly after. We burst out of the tunnel and into the deafening noise of the stadium. The coin toss went in our favor as we chose to receive the kick.

Clear your mind.

All the noise slowly faded away as I stepped out onto the field. It was just me and the game I loved.

Breathe. Throw.

The ball sailed from my hand toward my receiver, and I relished in how comforting I found this moment—being in charge with the game at my fingertips. I had the power to win it all or lose it all with the football in my hands.

Clear your mind.

But as I marched down the field with my team toward the end zone, I felt for the first time a sense of readiness. I'd slowly come around to this chapter closing during all that time I'd spent fighting the end.

Breathe. Throw.

I'd heard plenty of athletes talk about how you knew when you were done, and as I threw my first touchdown of my last Super Bowl, I knew. I watched Adam and Hawthorn shifting their priorities toward their family and I wanted to do the same.

The linemen lifted Derek into the air as they celebrated our first touchdown and when my best friend pointed down at me, screaming at the top of his lungs as he celebrated, I joined him.

People talked about how there were many great loves in one's life. For me, football would always be one of them. There would be a place carved out for it in my heart for the rest of my life. It was the place that allowed me to express my truest self. It was the freest I'd ever felt, but it was also a place that had made me feel the most exhausted as I had to constantly strive to be better than what I had just accomplished. Now all I wanted in life was to be appreciated for me and not have to evolve into something else yet again.

Clear your mind.

Lottie stood away from the team as I ran off the field and the defense went to take our place. The excitement I was feeling was mirrored on her face—despite it all, she was still cheering for my success and my dreams.

The defense managed to get a stop and we were back on the field. I relayed the play to my team. But as we lined up, another revelation dawned on me.

Breathe. Throw.

My eyes shifted toward Lottie standing on the sidelines as I ran to group the team back up for the next huddle. I would be here next year, as would she, but I knew that if I didn't do something about the gaping hole between us we would eventually consider each other only colleagues.

And that would be the most disappointing thing of all to come out of this season.

Clear your mind.

Another touchdown. This one ran up the middle and into the end zone. We were hitting our stride as a team and stretching the gap between us and San Diego. It was a completely different game compared to the first time we played them during the first game of the season. I had been shaky and not confident in my performance. The team was underprepared. Since then, I'd turned into a different person and we'd come together as a team.

This season had been far from perfect. I'd started the entire thing with an attitude unfit for a leader. I assumed that Lottie couldn't have possibly helped me with this season. Little did I know that she would be exactly what I needed. Not just to help me complete the season of my dreams, but to fit a gap in my life that I never knew needed to be filled.

Now I only needed to do something about it before it slipped away from me forever.