Chapter 23 Nolan

Chapter 23

Nolan

Lottie and I spent nearly every moment we could together to try and get my knee healthy enough to play against Denver the Sunday after Thanksgiving. Lottie understood that this team and this game brought me happiness that nothing else I'd experienced in life did and she was doing everything in her power to make sure it wasn't the end for me. Between therapy sessions and discussing the prospect of coaching after the season was over, she had her sights set on what made me happy. There was a part of me that felt guilty for not telling her that the team had offered me another year, but I wanted to make the best decision for myself without anyone else's influence. Especially because I knew that Lottie would always tell me to do what was best for me.

Lottie even showed up to the facility with me early so I could have extra time preparing before the game. She never complained when I asked anything extra of her. In her eyes, her job was to help me be successful and she would do whatever it took for that to happen. Lottie must have sensed the nerves I had about returning to the game without me having to say anything to her and she made sure to stick strictly to our routine to help me mentally prepare.

I felt at home back on the field telling my team the next play in the middle of a huddle. But the two games I had missed had left me on shaky ground during the first half of this game. There was rust on the wheels that I had yet to knock off and after the fifth pass that I threw short of my receiver, I was beginning to worry if I was the right person for my team after Caleb's lights out performances.

"Are you alright?" Derek asked me on yet another third down that looked like we wouldn't reach the first down marker.

"Yeah," I told him with a false bravado that Derek's frown told me he saw right through.

"It's just you and me, bud." With a slap on the back, Derek ran to his starting position for the next play.

I sighed, because while I appreciated what he was trying to do, Derek didn't realize that during every play all I could see was everybody but my intended receivers. I was distracted by the menacing looks on the defenders' faces or the face-painted fans in the stands trying to distract me and doing a marvelous job of it today.

Nobody really talks about the hardest part about coming back after an injury. It isn't doing the movements that you're so used to doing during a game. It's getting past the mental barrier that injury built in the darkness while you were trying to work on getting better. The way that injury secretly tore down every shred of self-confidence you had ever built, making you feel uneasy doing the thing you loved.

No matter how hard I tried to remind myself of all the times I'd succeeded and performed better than everyone else around me, my mind replayed the sharp pain I felt as my body slammed into the ground just a few weeks ago. As if the injury had even poisoned my own mind to work against me.

The crowd in Denver was practically feral as we ran off the field for the half. They had the lead over us, which had been considered unlikely heading into today's game seeing as Denver was having one of their worst seasons to date.

As soon as I crossed the threshold into the locker room, a hand wrapped around my forearm and pulled me toward the training room. I couldn't see Lottie's face under the scarf she had wrapped around her neck. All I could do was focus on the knit ball on her stocking cap bobbing up and down as she walked with purpose away from the rest of the team.

The moment we were alone, she turned on me with a determined look on her face.

"You are still playing as if your knee is going to fail you, Nolan." There was a fierceness in her eyes that called to the competitive parts of me. "It won't."

"It already did once this season," I reminded her.

"Don't argue with me!"

I snapped my mouth shut when I realized how serious she was being.

"Listen to me right now. What did I tell you during that first game? That you are Nolan fucking Hill. You've accomplished things other quarterbacks can only dream about. You've put in the work. You've proved that you've made progress. Go out there and let loose."

Lottie was now pacing in front of me. "Have fun for once. Stop worrying about all of this being taken from you or that you aren't good enough. Go out there and give your career the last season it deserves. Give yourself a season you deserve. Enjoy it before it's gone. Believe in yourself, Nolan. Because I do. There is no one better fit for this moment right now."

The shine in her eyes matched the ferocity in her voice. That look crawled inside of my heart and laid a claim there as I felt a fresh wave of confidence fill me. It was as if I were looking at myself through her eyes—an athlete who had worked to the top of their career and obliterated all the competition within miles, past or present. I saw the respect she had for the work I put in and I saw the belief she spoke of having in me.

"Come on," she told me, breaking the heavy silence between us. "Let's go to work."

For years I had wondered what it would be like to have someone who put me first and valued every part of me in a way that no one else in the world did. As I walked back out of the tunnel matching the stride of the woman next to me as if the two of us were marching into battle together, I finally understood what that must be like.

Coach Randolph stopped me on the sidelines as the last few seconds of halftime ticked off the clock. "Are you ready?"

"I am." He took in my steely gaze and the determined set of my shoulders before stepping aside, satisfied with what he saw.

I caught Lottie's eye one more time. She flashed me a smile that nearly stole all the air from my lungs and gave me a quick wink. Those blue eyes that shined just for me in that moment were the last thing I focused on before I pulled my helmet on and ran out onto the field with my team.

"Let's show them who's the better team," Derek shouted into the huddle after I relayed the first play of the half.

For the first time all game, I finally felt the possibility of winning this game within my grasp. Lottie's words echoed in my mind as we started our march down the field. She was right, there wasn't anyone better to lead this moment than me, and the moment I started to believe that again was the moment that everything clicked.

People heard athletes talk about getting in the zone in interviews, but few detailed what it took to get there, besides concentration, which was confidence. And when a player loses all confidence in themselves, the only thing that will get them back is someone else believing in them enough to fill the gaps.

My body slipped back into the familiar routines I'd practiced nearly my entire life, fueled by the words from the woman standing on the sidelines with enough belief in her heart to refill mine. Suddenly the noise of the crowd, the intensity of the defense across the line of scrimmage from us, and the expectations I had put on myself for this season all fell away and it was just me and my team playing catch. Everything felt easy.

Moments after I managed to connect with Derek on a longer route that had him free to run into the end zone, a laugh exploded out of me. For the first time in years, I felt happy playing the sport I had dedicated so much of my life to and all because I was reminded of what my self-worth was.

As I ran off the field with my teammates as they celebrated Derek's touchdown that tied the game up, I scanned the sidelines. Lottie had positioned herself near the side of the bench where I was sitting this game as if she knew that I would want to see her after completing a drive like that. The two of us smiled at each other.

"I think I have you to thank for that," I told her as I threw my coat over my shoulders to keep me warm while our defense did their job.

Lottie's smile grew wider as she shook her head at me. "I wasn't the one on the field, Hill."

"But your pep talk inspired me, which seems to be becoming a recurring theme." It killed me that all I could do was stand a few feet away from her as my hands itched to pull her into me. It was almost poetic how I thought she would be the last useful person for me and had now become the most important person for my success.

"So, thank you," I told her, hoping she could see how deeply I meant it.

The way the corners of her lips tugged up into the smallest hint of a smile told me that she understood.

"You still have a game to win. Thank me when that happens." Lottie reached out and gently squeezed my hand so quickly that I almost thought I imagined it before she turned and walked away.

"This is our time," Derek shouted over the din of the crowd. "Just you and me, bud."

While it felt daunting to truly open up to Derek or Hawthorn about my struggles with my injuries over the past few years, they always seemed to know that all I ever needed was for them to simply be there. Their belief in me had never wavered. Derek was always there for me and as I dropped back into the pocket after the ball was snapped, he did exactly what he always did and found a way to get open and just like that, magic happened.

It happened in slow motion as the ball left my fingertips, each one slowly peeling away as I sent it sailing into the air down the field toward Derek. I could practically see each rotation as the laces spun around and the ball drew nearer to its intended target. There was no air left in the stadium as everyone held their breath, waiting to see if Derek would make the play. Then, all at once, everything moved in real time as Derek's hands wrapped around the ball and secured it in his arms. He dodged a few of Denver's defensemen as he barreled toward the end zone just as the clock dropped under the last thirty seconds of the game.

The noise was the first thing to come back. It sounded at first like my ears were full of cotton as the dull roar grew louder. I ran with the rest of my team to greet Derek in the end zone where he had launched the ball into the stands in celebration.

As my team lifted both Derek and me up into the air, I realized that I didn't need a knockout season to end my career with a bang. All I wanted was to enjoy the moments like this with the people I loved next to me. Because when it was all said and done, I wouldn't be able to recall the statistics or certain plays, but I would remember the joy I felt as I celebrated with my teammates.

"Just you and me, bud!" Derek shouted at me again as our teammates celebrated around us.