Chapter 18 Nolan

Chapter 18

Nolan

The MRI on Sunday came back negative, confirming Lottie's assessment that nothing was torn. But by the time the results came back, Caleb had led the team to another win and Lottie was busy helping Derek after he took a hard hit in the fourth quarter. That win helped solidify our position as first in our conference heading into next week's bye week. I heard the cheers all the way from the locker room as the team celebrated Caleb's performance. Some athletes in the same situation might have been jealous over their backup's success, but I was surprised to find myself only happy that Caleb was given a chance like that.

Before the doctor left me, he suggested that I had aggravated my previous injury and that it might take a few weeks for me to get back out on the field. The news had sent me reeling.

A few weeks?

A few weeks meant I would miss an entire game of my last season, maybe more. I felt the potential loss like a gaping wound. I had gone most of my career thus far without having to miss very many games, but even the games I had missed weren't anywhere near to being some of the last I would play.

I had hovered outside of the training room in hopes that I would be able to catch Lottie and apologize to her, but she was gone before I had the chance. Only Derek was still in the locker room when I finally walked in to change out of my uniform.

"What's the news?" Derek asked once he saw me.

"Nothing's torn. I just strained the old injury." I let out a sigh the second I sat down in my cubby.

"Lottie seemed rather upset after the game," Derek told me. He was trying to be subtle, but I could sense the underlying accusation in his tone.

"I was upset that I got injured." Even I knew my defense had fallen flat as soon as it left my mouth.

Derek stood with his back to me as he finished packing the bag he brought to the stadium, and I watched his shoulders slump when he heard my excuse. Slowly, he turned back around to look at me.

"Nolan, you know I love you, but sometimes you are a complete asshole."

Immediately I felt the urge to defend myself. "You know how it is when you get an injury and the fear of being out the rest of the season."

The laugh that erupted from Derek was not one of actual enjoyment but rather disbelief. As if he couldn't believe I was being serious.

"Nolan, have you ever looked at your life and wondered if you're happy?"

My brows pulled together in confusion. "What does that have to do with anything?"

"Just answer the question," Derek replied. "Are you happy with your life right now?"

"Well, we're first in the conference after today's win," I started.

Derek cleared his throat, interrupting me. "I want you to consider if you have anything outside of this job that makes you happy."

Silence filled the locker room as I tried to think of something other than football that made me happy. However, the only thing that kept coming to the forefront was the past day spent with Lottie.

"Have you thought that maybe your career shouldn't be the only thing you have in life that makes you happy? Especially when it will eventually end. Because when it's all said and done, you'll be left with a bunch of trophies that brought you happiness in the moment it happened but then collect dust for the years to come. Maybe it's time to find other things that make you happy to prevent you from feeling so devastated when things like this happen. New hobbies? Maybe a new person in your life?"

Derek asked the last question as if he had been there this morning as Lottie and I ate pancakes at my island.

"I have plenty of people in my life."

This time Derek looked at me as if he were truly disappointed in me. "Nolan, every career comes to an end. Whether you retire, get fired, or make the decision to change careers. In all those scenarios, there is another chapter. I would hate to see you living in the previous chapter rather than enjoying what's to come for you. Very few of us have the chance to be remembered after we die by many, but we are all remembered by few and it's those few that matter most."

"What does this have to do with Lottie?" I asked, exasperated by Derek's strangely coded lecture.

"Everything, Nolan. It has everything to do with Lottie." Derek threw his bag over his shoulder then and walked out of the locker room, leaving me to wonder if my friend was more perceptive than I originally made him out to be.

Monday morning, I showed up to the practice facility for treatment with Lottie fully prepared for her to hand me off to Zeke after how I treated her yesterday at the game, but I was surprised to find her sipping on a mug of coffee in her office. My MRI was up on one of her TVs and exercises were taped to her walls with sticky notes attached to them.

"Good morning," I greeted her cautiously.

"Morning," Lottie chirped, no sign of the previous hurt on her face from when she'd left the training room at the stadium yesterday. "How is your knee feeling today? Good news that it's not torn."

Lottie brushed past me to head out into the main room, leaving me feeling unsteady on my feet, and not because of my knee.

"It's sore," I told her as I followed her toward a training bed. "I made sure to ice it and elevate it last night. I think some of the swelling went down."

"Let me take a look." Lottie warmed her hands up before reaching down to gently assess my knee. The moment her hands were on my skin it was like a visceral reaction—my heart rate sped up and my entire body felt like it wanted to lift off the table to be closer to her touch.

All last night I replayed how rude I had been to her with Derek's lecture in the background as if it were a movie with a voice-over. My focus had been only on myself, and I neglected to think about anybody else. My only fear was that I had ruined something before it even got started.

"I have a new treatment plan for this next week in hopes that we get you back on the field before the next game," Lottie told me, bringing my attention back to her.

"You really think you could get me back before our next game?" I asked, hope blossoming inside of me. After I got out of the shower last night, I'd stared at the ugly swelling like it was a bad omen for my season.

"If not, it seems like Caleb can hold the fort down for one more game."

I tried to smile in agreement with her, but just the thought of missing out on one of my games soured my stomach.

Lottie must have noticed the scowl on my face because she stopped her massage and stepped away from the table with her arms crossed over her chest.

"What?" I asked.

"You may not have seen Caleb yesterday, but he really did hold his own. I know he'll have your back." Lottie's face turned into a scowl that matched my own and a sigh pushed out from between her lips.

"It's not about Caleb," I told her. I left out how I felt it was about losing out on my season, but Lottie seemed to fill in the blank for me.

She took her time before responding to me, as if she were heavily weighing if she wanted to say what was on her mind. "Have you ever heard of mudita ?"

I shook my head.

"It describes the joy one has toward another's good fortune or success."

It had been years since I'd ever felt like I was being scolded, but I suddenly remembered what it was like.

"I think the best leaders have that quality. Maybe you should read up on it."

Words had never pierced me harder. It was one thing for Derek to comment on how I wasn't living the best life outside of work, but to have Lottie tell me that I wasn't being the best in the one thing I cared about stung.

"Thank you for your observation," I told her after a moment, my words stilted.

Silence sat heavy between us as Lottie moved to restart my knee massage. There was a part of me that felt desperate to fill it, to go back to the easiness that was between us during our dinner date. I didn't like the rift that was growing between us because of my actions.

"Can we talk about yesterday?" I asked her.

"I'm not sure there's anything to talk about."

I shook my head, needing to get some of this guilt off my chest. "I need to tell you I'm sorry."

Lottie didn't look up from her ministrations. "I appreciate that."

"Can we go back to how we were yesterday morning?" I asked.

This time Lottie walked away from the table to grab a tool that would help her push some of the swelling out of my knee.

"I'm not sure about that," she said. "I don't want to date someone who prioritizes their work over the people in their life. I lived that as a child, and I don't intend to do the same as an adult."

"This season is just important to me." I felt like I was a broken record, constantly reminding everyone around me of it.

"That may be so, but is it so important that you neglect the people in your life for it?" Lottie gave me a sad smile as if she understood the predicament I was in, but still took pity on me.

"I know I need to do better," I told her. "Just don't give up on me?"

"I couldn't possibly, Nolan. I'm one of your medical professionals. This is my job." Lottie strapped a light ankle weight to me before instructing me to do the first exercise on her list.

"I wasn't talking about as my physical therapist, Lottie. I was talking about not giving up on us. I know I need to work on myself, and I intend to."

I watched Lottie wring one of the towels through her hands before she gave me a short nod and walked out of the training room.

After I finished therapy, I went to search for Hawthorn or Derek to talk about the conversation I'd just had with Lottie. But before I could get there, I stumbled across Caleb working through different routes out on the practice field by himself.

Lottie's words rang through my head.

Have you ever heard of mudita ? It describes the joy one has toward another's good fortunes or success.

And then Derek's.

I would hate to see you living in the chapter before rather than enjoying what's to come for you. Very few of us have the chance to be remembered after we die by many, but we are all remembered by few and it's those few that matter most.

Before I could change my mind, I pushed out onto the practice field and walked out to Caleb.

"Hey!" The rookie flashed me a smile I felt like I didn't deserve. "How are you feeling? I heard the good news that nothing's torn. I wasn't sure if you'd be ready for the next game, so I wanted to make sure I was … just in case."

I saw a younger version of myself in his eager face and I hated that I was so self-absorbed that I hadn't paused to remember that a team was only as good as its weakest link. Caleb wanted the success of the team , and it was time I started wanting the same thing.

"Can I walk you through some of the routes for the game?"

A smile spread across Caleb's face before he gave me an eager nod.

"I'd appreciate that, Nolan. Thanks."

I wanted to rewrite the public perception of me with my last season, but I didn't want to do it if it meant ostracizing those around me. I could at least start with Caleb. Next, I would have to figure out how to fix things with Lottie.