Chapter 20

CHAPTER 20

Jaxon

I stared down at my coffee, not even fucking wanting it. I hadn’t been to sleep since I’d driven home. Funny to think that I’d fought this relationship with Eros and Zeppelin so hard in the beginning only to be the one pushed away in the end. I felt raw—splayed open. My chest fucking hurt . Every time I looked down, I expected to see a big, gaping hole where my heart was supposed to be. I expected to see blood coating my torso.

But no—I was still in one piece. I was just… being murdered inside.

Ignoring my coffee, I grabbed the bottle of Vodka on my counter and strode toward the back door, pushing it open. Ash ran out ahead of me, immediately searching for bugs to chase and eat. Normally, her antics would bring a smile to my face, but smiling felt like it might rip my face in half.

I dropped onto one of the chairs and unscrewed the lid off the Vodka bottle before bringing it to my lips and guzzling some down, relishing in the burn it left in my throat. After setting the bottle on the table, I leaned back in my seat, letting my hands fall to my lap. My eyes slid closed, but when all I saw behind my closed lids was the anger and betrayal etched onto Zeppelin’s face, I snapped them back open again.

Should I have kept my mouth shut? Should I just have left him to his vices and let him figure out his own shit? It felt wrong even as I thought it. I was a caretaker. I couldn’t stand to see anyone I cared about suffering. I’d done the same thing for Logan—steamrolled over what he wanted—and now he was thriving. But Logan was also nineteen and still in high school. He was just a mere kid. Zeppelin was a college graduate with his own business. He’d been dealing with this for so many years. Maybe I should have just kept my nose out of his shit.

Sighing, I reached forward and grabbed the Vodka bottle again, downing some more of it. Ash jumped onto my lap and began purring, pushing her head against my arm, making me spill some of the Vodka down my chin and onto my shirt. I sighed and swiped my arm along my jaw before rubbing her head.

I hadn’t drank like this since I lost Penelope, and even then, I did it in private after Spencer was asleep and wouldn’t see me falling apart. But what reason did I have to hide it now? Spencer was grown. I lived alone. The only person who would see my spiral was Ash, and she was happy as long as I remembered to feed her—which I’d already done—and gave her pets.

“Just you and me again, girl,” I said quietly. “Here’s to a lonely future.”

She just purred louder.

I blinked through blurry eyes when my son stepped onto my back porch. His eyes widened in surprise before he grabbed the empty Vodka bottle off the table, peering at it with a disapproving frown on his face.

“Dad…” He turned to look at me as he set the bottle down. “God, you look like shit.” He grimaced and picked Ash up, moving her from my lap and setting her on the ground. She gave a pissy meow and swatted at his jeans before marching off. He ignored her. “Come on. Up. You need a shower and to brush your teeth. You smell rank.”

“Why are you here?” I slurred, my tongue feeling heavy. Spencer struggled to pull me up from the chair, sighing once I was finally on my feet. I staggered, almost falling into him, but he pushed me against the house just in time so I wouldn’t topple us both to the ground.

“Your phone is off. I got worried. Good thing I came. Come on. Shower.”

He wrapped my arm over his shoulder, and somehow, he managed to maneuver me into the house and to my bathroom, where he left me to shower and get clean. It was a fucking task to turn the water on and strip my clothes off, but I had to admit that the pounding, scalding water cleared my head the tiniest bit. I still had to lean heavily against the tiled wall to bathe and wash my hair, but I managed it.

After dressing in a pair of sweats, I slowly made my way up the hall to the kitchen, where I could hear Spencer clanging around. I scratched my bare stomach, blinking in surprise at the sight of him plating grilled cheese. He slid me one of the plates. “Sit. Eat. You need to sober up.”

Wordlessly, I dropped onto one of the bar stools and dragged the plate over to me, taking a bite of the soft, gooey, cheesy sandwich. My stomach threatened to revolt, but I managed to get the sandwich down with small bites. Spencer handed me my warmed-up coffee, and after the sandwich was gone, I downed the coffee, feeling a little more clear-headed.

“What the fuck is going on, Dad?” Spencer asked, frowning at me over his bottle of water once I’d set my empty mug down.

“Can I get one of those?” I rasped, nodding at the bottle of water in his hand.

He leaned down and opened the cabinet, grabbing a bottle before handing it to me. I twisted the top off and lifted the bottle to my lip, guzzling some of the water before setting it down on the countertop.

“Dad…”

I sighed. “Zeppelin ended things between us last night.”

Spencer blinked in surprise. “What? Why?”

I heaved a tired sigh I felt all the way to my bones. The tightness in my chest only increased. I rubbed at the spot over my heart absentmindedly, still surprised when I looked down and didn’t see blood coating my fingers. With how much this hurt, it felt like I should be bleeding.

“I called Logan last night after seeing Zeppelin spiral.” I didn’t want to say more than that. “He overheard. Didn’t want to hear my explanation. Ended things. In his mind, I betrayed his trust.” I shrugged and picked at the wrapping around my water bottle. “Fuck, maybe I did.”

Spencer shook his head. “Dad, I know you well enough to know you didn’t. Have you tried reaching out to see if he’d be a bit more sensible today?”

I shook my head. “No. I’m not sure if I can handle it, to be honest. Because if he just hangs up, refuses to see me, or even yells at me, I don’t think I can handle it.” I worked my jaw around. “I haven’t hurt this much since we lost your mom, Spencer.”

Spencer inhaled sharply. “Christ, Dad.” He reached over and placed his hand over mine, squeezing my fingers. “Have you slept yet?”

I shook my head. “No. Came home and got drunk.”

Spencer sighed. “Go get some sleep,” he told me, his voice quiet and filled with pain for me. I hated it. Hated that he’d seen me at my lowest. “You need it. Look at this with a clearer head when you wake up, okay? Maybe all you two need is a little bit of space—give Zeppelin that and see if maybe he comes to make things right.”

I just nodded my head and stood from the bar stool, heading to my room. I heard Spencer turn on the water in the sink, no doubt to wash the dishes we’d used. Normally, I’d tell him to leave it, but honestly, I couldn’t bring myself to give enough of a fuck about him doing my dishes when he now had his own home to take care of.

I was too tired and bone-deep weary to care about anything.