17. HAZEL
17
HAZEL
I pull into my driveway after the longest shift ever and cut the engine. I lay my head back on the seat for just a moment. I'm still exhausted all the time which I thought would end after my first trimester. But nope, the nausea and tiredness just won't leave me.
Lucky me.
A knock on my window has me jumping in my seat.
"Wes!" I close my eyes and try to steady my breathing. He opens my car door, reaches across me undoing my seatbelt and helps me out. "I'm not incapable of getting out of the car. What are you doing?"
"You're sleeping in your car. Let me help you inside."
"I wasn't sleeping, I was just resting my eyes for a minute. It's been a long day."
I wrestle with grabbing my bags from the back seat, but he quickly steps in and takes them from me.Once inside, he sits at the little island in the kitchen and I grab a water from the fridge for me, and a beer for him, sliding it across the counter to him.
"So, Jay and Nina look happy."
"Oh, they're so happy," I exclaim with a grin. "Unfortunately for me, Nina is going to take the planning process slowly. I can't wait to go wedding dress shopping and do all the things with her."
"Yes, I heard about your over-exuberance this morning."
"Pfft. I can be happy for my friend."
"I know how you are, Hazel. You're a giver and you're not happy unless you're helping someone else." I point at him and touch my nose as he continues, "But Nina's had a quick turnaround in just a few short months of being here. You've got to give her time."
"Yeah, they moved fast, but when you know, you know, right?" I go to the sink to wash my hands, grabbing an apple to rinse off, but when he's silent, I turn back around to see him staring intently at me.
"What's wrong?"
"I knew a long time ago, Hazel," he speaks softly.
"Wes, don't." I definitely don't need this conversation right now, though maybe now would be a good time to tell him. I'm still afraid it would be the last piece of our history that would completely push him out the door.
"Why are you so good to me? You're so easy to forgive me for being a jerk." His eyes are sad and I'm unsure where this conversation is coming from. Maybe it's the fact he's seeing his friends start the next part of their lives together.
"It's what you do when you love someone, Wes." I sigh, turning to lean against the counter so I can get a good look at him. Even with his shoulders slumped he's still amazingly handsome and broad.
"You know I love you, Hazel. I'm just not able to give you what you need."
"I don't know what you think I need."
"Are you going to be happy in another five years when we're still here, no official title, living in separate homes? Or how about in just a year's time when you're watching your best friend get married. Still happy then?"
"If you're trying to talk yourself out of something, Wes, just?—"
"But you deserve to have someone who wants all that."
He looks so lost. I don't know how much more I can say to him to make him understand. And it's not that I don't understand how my actions, when I up and went to Boston without a discussion, negatively affected him. He was also infinitely hesitant and cautious around me, so my seemingly out of character decision to up and leave him isn't something he's going to easily forget. If ever.
I laugh trying to break the weird tension in the room. It's like he knows everything between us is about to change."Who's to say I'm not happy with the way things are right now? At least now, if I get tired of you, I can just send you home."
"Mmhm." He makes a sound in the back of this throat and looks down at his beer can, tapping it around on the counter. He's fighting with the words in his head right now, I see the indecision and questions written all over his face. "Well, before you send me home, what's for dinner?"
I throw my apple at him and he catches it easily. "I just walked in from the clinic. Maybe you should cook for me."
"Okay, let me see what I can warm up for us?" He rises from the chair and moves gracefully toward me. He's tall and strong and he's been the one who's stuck in my heart since I was eighteen. He gives me a quick kiss on my forehead then begins rummaging around in my freezer.
And here we are still, all these years later doing the same thing we always did.
I don't know when we fell into the same old trap but here we are, still dancing around any type of real commitment.
I think back to when I left for Boston. I stayed in communication with Jay and Maverick during that time and they told me Wes was just as broken hearted. Jay gave me a lot of insight as to why Wes is standoffish. He's the oldest cousin and was taught to take care of everyone, but he's also an only child so he didn't know how to put others first.
Jay reiterated the stories from when they were kids. He explained Wes felt he would only fail someone again. And he couldn't take that risk so he avoided all emotional attachments that would lead to someone being dependent on him.
Until me.
Since coming back to Magnolia Point, Wes and I have worked hard and spent a lot of time relearning each other and gaining back our friendship, even though it was something that came easy.
But he can't understand how someone he feels he let down still wants him.
~~
My stomach rolls and the nausea has me bolting from the bed. I make it to the bathroom before I'm dry heaving everything I didn't eat for dinner last night. I hang my head waiting for the feeling to pass before I reach for a hand towel behind me, only to be met by Wes.
"What's wrong Hazel?" he asks the question almost like a statement, as if he already knows the answer.
I take the cloth and wipe the sweat on my forehead and around my mouth before falling into a sitting position and leaning back against the wall. He turns and slides down the wall next to me, not looking at me. We're both just staring at the blank space in front of us.
"We're going to have a baby, Wes." I say the words softly, like I'm afraid once he hears the actual words he'll take off.
There's silence for a bit. I turn to look at him as he says, "I don't know how to do this."
"I don't have a clue either."
"When are you due?"
"December first." The tears come quickly now, knowing this is our date, the date our entire relationship has been built around.
He turns to me with a small grin. "This is a pretty big gift you just gave me."
A sob escapes me, and I hang my head, not wanting to scare him, and when he stands, I fear the worst. But then he surprises me by scooping me under my knees, bridal style, and carrying me back to bed.
I know this Sweet Wes; I've seen him many times over the years.
Problem is, Scared Wes shows up not too long after Sweet Wes makes his appearance.
And if the timing over the last eight years is accurate, I can't have Scared Wes showing up, or rather not showing up, on my due date.