23. Twenty-Three

Twenty-Three

Willow

Fading out of that memory is like tearing myself away from the realm’s most comforting embrace.

Tilly’s patience and understanding as a mother and Primary is unmatched, and now knowing more of what she went through prior to even Tillman’s existence is just a testament to how she chose to grow as a person.

Fuck, I am so incredibly blessed to know such an amazing woman.

Even if I can’t know her directly.

Blinking my watery eyes open, they collide with shimmering emeralds and the shine to them makes my heart clench painfully.

Teenage Tillman is nothing like the man sitting before me now. Never have the guys made comments about him being unbalanced or impatient. Nosy, always eavesdropping and calling people out, yes—but all I’ve ever heard is how my gentle giant has an impenetrable will and more patience and understanding in his pinky than most have in their lifetimes.

“Are you okay?” I ask quietly.

“I will be, little warrior. Once I get it all off my chest, I’ll find what I’m looking for once again,” he says, wiping the stray tears from my cheeks .

“That day…Talk about being torn and unbalanced. I was riddled with guilt, anger, sadness, happiness. I simply didn’t know what to feel. Part of me was so happy, thankful Caspian was okay and we got him back. The other part was consumed by grief. I wanted to die right along with them,” he mumbles and closes his eyes.

His grief spears me right in the chest and I nearly choke on the lump in my throat. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Tillman, out of all my men, can control and compose his emotions the best out of the four of them. But right now, I can barely breathe through what he’s pushing out.

It’s all-consuming, mournful, and if I didn’t know any better, I’d swear to you we both were about to perish from it.

Holding on to his hands, I surge our bond with my love and pride for him. The amount of strength it takes a person to get over a travesty such as this is no small feat. And fuck, am I so thankful to have him here with me.

“The only thing that kept me sane in the coming days, hell, really hours, was that last lesson she gave me. I held onto every word like it was my lifeline, and in some cases it was. When we returned…” He pauses, taking a couple deep breaths, and instinctively, my body begins to mimic the rise and fall of his chest. “I’ve never spoken to anyone about what transpired when we got back here after that mission.”

“And you don’t have to now if you don’t want to,” I tell him sincerely.

“No, I do want you to know, but I have to be honest, Will, you know the ending. It’s not a happy middle.”

I can only imagine. I’ve never dared to ask, although of course my mind has thought about it. I remember what I felt keenly when he told me what happens with a true Primary, who’s fully bonded, dies.

“I know it’s not, but I want you to talk to me about anything you need to. I don’t care how sad or happy it may be. I’m right here and I’ve got you.”

Calling out my earth element, I wrap a vine around my wrist and his, keeping the two of us tethered together.

We’re stronger when we’re together.

“I’ll never forget the look on Aunt Rory’s face and how she reacted when we arrived back at the palace. At first, I heard her cries of happiness when she saw Sean, who was out front, carrying Caspian in his arms, but when she started asking for my mom, Ian and Hudsen, who were concealing us, parted. It was like all the happiness was sucked out of the realm when she saw my mom in Wesling’s arms. I’ll never forget the wail that came out of her. It used to haunt my nightmares. Whatever Uncle Roye said to her when he picked her up snapped her out of it, and her eyes moved to mine.

“Whatever she saw when she looked at me seemed to break her apart a little bit more, but she held strong. Started barking orders at the palace staff to go get the healers for Cas. She made my uncles take him to his room while she had my dads take my mom to theirs and very calmly, she told me to stay in the foyer and she’d be back out to get me. At that point, I had shut down. I wasn’t calm and balanced. I was…nothing. I don’t even know how long it was before she came and got me and took me to my parents’ room. I was so confused until she opened the door and reality slapped me in my face.

“It wasn’t until I walked in, saw my mom in her favorite dress cuddled up in the arms of my dads, who were now changed into her favorite outfits of theirs, that I realized in a short few hours, maybe, I’d be saying goodbye to them all. Aunt Rory told me to say my goodbyes, but I couldn’t. I refused. I told her I wasn’t going anywhere. She didn’t force me out, but she did ask me to reconsider. I wouldn’t. I took my mom’s words that she’d said earlier and held firm. I accepted that I was going to stay with them until the very end.”

I try so hard to stay strong and hold my tears at bay, but I fail. It was heartbreaking the first time he told me what happened, but now hearing he stayed with them the entire time until it happened slices my heart in two.

He was so strong. They all had to be far too strong for teenage boys.

“Those were the longest, yet fastest eleven hours of my life. I made my dads talk to me until the minute they couldn’t speak anymore. I wanted to hear every story, every piece of advice they could share with me. Once the last words they could muster passed through their lips, I resorted to reading their minds. I wanted, needed, to know everything they were thinking about in those last few moments. Every thought was about me and her. How they couldn’t wait to be with her again, but they hated they were leaving me behind.

“After they passed, I went searching for Aunt Rory, only to find her and all my uncles on a pallet on the floor outside her room. I didn’t say a word. I just crawled on the blanket with her. She was up and down the whole night, bouncing between checking on Cas, Corentin, and me. At some point, Uncle Roye carried me to my room, where I spent the next four days locked in there, crying to myself. I refused to go see Caspian or Corentin, so I had no clue the condition either of them was in before I finally got tired of my four walls and went to stare at Corentin’s with him.

“The days following, Aunt Rory let me help her plan their entire Ceremony of Remembrance. When my mom was put in the ground last, I lost it again, but that was the last time I allowed it. I held onto her lesson firmly from that moment on. I told myself, okay, you grieved for a week, there’s nothing you can change or control anymore, so you have to accept it and let it go. It wasn’t that easy at first, but it’s been fine for a while, until now.”

He takes a long deep breath after that and I stay quiet just in case he isn’t finished. I want him to get it all out, talk about it, and be free from any burden he may be feeling. Grief and mourning the loss of a loved one is something that will never ever go away, and it takes a monumental amount of time for it to grow easier, so whatever’s disturbed his ease, I want to help him through it.

“What’s changed that’s brought it all back up again?” I ask gently after a long stretch of silence.

When he looks up to meet my eyes with a small smirk on his lips, I gasp.

“Me? I did this?” I ask, horrified.

“Not you directly, little warrior, but everything going on around us. Being back at the palace, the south wing, the palace E.F. members, being called Tillme. These are all things I’ve avoided for the better part of a decade, but the situation surrounding us has put me right back in the middle of it, stirring up things I haven’t felt in some time. In no way, shape, or form is it your fault. I just believe that it was a push I needed but never would’ve gotten if not for you. I needed to be honest with my grief, what I went through, and I wouldn’t have with anyone other than you.

“A lot happened leading up to this. Draken and Keeper being united. You and Lyker. Hearing you talk about your mom, even just the bits and pieces you know, has made me realize I don’t even allow people or myself to speak about my parents. It’s like unconsciously, I knew that if I allowed their stories to be told, I would’ve had to handle my grief better. And my soul wasn’t ready for that yet. It didn’t have the balance it needed to get through it. Now I do. I have you.”

My body crashes into his and my arms wrap around his neck as I hold him close. He’s been my strength since even before I knew I was his Primary. In his own silent way back then, he was holding me up and encouraging me on. I’ll do it for him now, loudly and proudly. I’ll be his strength, his mountain, his shoulder, whatever he needs me to be.

I’ll hold him up just as he’s always done me.

“You do have me, and you always will. I’ll forever be your backbone, your strength, your balance. I’ll be it all because that’s what you are for me. You’ll never suffer in silence or alone, ever again.” I swear.

The air that whooshes out of him may be weightless, but the way his body slumps into mine is like thousands of pounds have been lifted off him. His entire body shudders against mine, and I hold him tighter, letting whatever he needs to release come into me so I can expel it for him.

One of his arms loops around my waist and he runs slow circles over my spine, while the other hangs down beside him. I thought he was laying it there for a prop, but then I lightly feel his hand moving in the same pattern along the moss-covered floor that he’s doing on my back.

He’s searching for the tether to the earth.

Like we just watched in his memory.

Slowly, I retract my arms from around his neck and crawl out of his lap until I’m sitting crisscross in front of him. He looks at me curiously until I lay my palms flat on the ground beside his.

“What do I do?” I ask .

Gracing me with a rare, full-fledged smile, his eyes shine with readiness and he transforms before me into the steadfast leader he is. Apart from the stern glare the E.F. members would receive.

“Close your eyes, little warrior.”

My lids fall shut to his command and my breathing instinctively tries to quicken when his hand presses to my chest.

“Breathe with me, follow my lead. In through your nose, out through your mouth.”

Again, my body obeys him easily. I feel his heartbeat through the palm of his hand, strong and steady, and focusing on that solid thud, my breathing follows his tempo as well.

Long inhale.

Long exhale.

Repeatedly, we regulate our breathing in silence, and his presence in my mind lingers like a quiet companion, letting me get comfortable before giving me my next instructions.

“Feel the ground beneath your hand. Run your fingers through the moss. I want you to recall the times the earth has brought you good times.”

The cool moss tickles between my fingers and I let the softness lull me into a peaceful state.

Twisting some of the delicate texture together, the feel of the strands growing thicker reminds me of when I was laid out like a starfish in front of Gaster’s cottage after I created the dimension spell. I may have been wiped out, but twirling that grass around my fingers kept me grounded and elated by the fact I achieved what he set out for me. The power beneath the soil pounded against my back, replenishing me before my men got there to finish the job.

That same power thudded beneath my feet as I ran down the running trail from the guys when Tillman told me to run, and they were going to catch me. I even got distracted by a beautiful flower that I hadn’t seen out there before.

More and more meaningful times come to mind, and a smile permanently tattoos itself on my face as I recall every time I’ve either wielded the element and it’s brought me peace, or it just simply was there and grounded me. Like the many times I’ve just lain in the grass and let its strength hold me up.

“Good, Will. Now call your element out. Let it softly surround you in whatever comes to mind.”

My earth element flows through me, soft yet so strong.

When it glides out of my hands, ivy wraps around me in a gentle hug, and little blossoms of flowers spread out between the leaves.

“Now call forth your mind transference gift.”

Without a second thought, comment, or question, I call the gift to me and Tillman’s mind practically lays itself bare. The prideful praises, the sweet whispers, the gentle nudging and coaching. I hear it all.

“Very good, little warrior. Now we’re going to do this with every element and gift. Start with your air.”

And with every element and gift, I do just that, letting the peace and happiness each one has brought me flow through my blood.

My air dances around us in a playful breeze, while I shine like the sun cresting the trees in the early morning.

My water, the typically elusive element, rains down on us softly from a cloud of my shadows.

My fire dries and heats my chilled body just before scales replace skin in my partial shift. My dragon purrs softly and my violet eyes pick up on the light in the room that the darkness behind my lids conceals.

I don’t have to see to know the added brightness is Tillman’s aura radiating around him. I nearly feel it caressing my face.

Casting the metaphorical line of my magic out, I wrap it around each of my men, who are spread about in the palace, or well, I assumed they’d be spread out, but no. I don’t have to physically track them to know where they are. Lazing in my lounge.

This entire experience feels cleansing.

As each element and gift came out to surround me, then went back in, a layer of worry and stress fell away. So much so, there’re happy tears falling from my eyes as though my body just didn’t know where else to expel the release.

“One more, Will. ”

Breathing, the way he just taught me to, I call forth the ficklest of all my gifts.

Flashes in my mind come and go just as fast. Not of moments far into the future or times that have already passed, but minutes from now. If I wasn’t certain and could feel the thrum of the gift, I would’ve assumed I conjured the scene on my own.

My body feels weightless in this moment as everything that resides inside of me settles in gently and for the first time in I don’t know how long, my mind silences the rambling thoughts, the to-do lists, the what-ifs, or anything else that has kept it in overdrive for however long it’s been. For now, it’s just peaceful…balanced.

“Open your eyes, little warrior.”

My soaked lids blink away the water and my gaze collides with the gorgeous sight in front of me. No wonder my dragon’s vision could see the light shining. Tillman’s practically glowing as though he’s the one who can bend light.

“Thank you so much.”

“There’s nothing I wouldn’t do or help you with. I’d mold mountains into whatever you wanted them to be even though I know you could do it all on your own. There’s nothing you can’t do, Willow.”

Uncrossing my legs, I crawl into his lap. My arms link their way around his neck again as my legs straddle his and I run my fingers lightly down his spine, mimicking the feeling of him doing it to me.

The steady rise and fall of his chest inhibit me from the constant feel of his body pressed to mine and on each exhale, I mourn the loss of his touch. I shimmy as close to him as I can get and tuck my face into the crook of his neck and shoulder.

The sudden jump in his pulse twitches against my cheek, beckoning me to calm its now erratic beat. The soft hum that leaves his throat causes my lips to linger and my eyes to fly open.

He likes that.

I lay kisses slowly across his golden skin and shiver as his grip around my waist flexes. The more times I lay my lips to him, the harder I feel him growing underneath me, and I can’t help but grind myself against him .

Just as I go to shift my hips again, faster than I can flutter my eyes, he has our positions flipped and his massive body covers mine.

“Looking for a reward, are you, little warrior?” he asks hungrily.

I don’t even try to repress the groan that leaves me when he kisses me tenderly, then moves to my jaw, then my neck. Every new touch heats my skin and sends jolts of desire shooting through me as his tongue lightly licks every place his lips touch.

It’s as if he has to map out the same path I made across his pulse.

“What if I was trying to reward you?”

“You think I deserve a reward?”

“Yes.” I moan, arching into him as he sucks on my neck.

“How did you plan on rewarding me?” he asks, and I feel his teeth graze my skin from his smile.

Fuck. I want to say it out loud, I really do, but damn, dirty talk still chokes me up. It’s so much easier when Draken tells me what to say.

“Did you want my cock in your mouth, little warrior, is that what it was?”

“Yes.”

“Tell me that,” he orders.

Biting my lip, I mentally whisper, “I wanted your cock in my mouth.”

His groan vibrates through my whole body, and he shifts his hips, grinding his dick against me.

“As much as I’d love to fuck your tight little throat and watch you choke me down, it’s been far too long since I’ve tasted your pussy on my tongue. So I’ll take that as my reward.”

Fucking please.

He chuckles darkly and with a glide of his hands between the valley of my breast, down my belly, and my legs, my clothes crumble into nothing more than particles.

My body blazes as his eyes heat, staring down at my naked body and bare pussy. The caress of his element comes back out and I’m prepared to be tied up however he sees fit, but instead, two small pillows form underneath me, lifting my hips higher in the air .

It’s my gaze’s turn to burn when I’m graced with the sight of how perfectly his dick lines up with me in this position.

“Spread them,” he commands, running his fingers softly up my ankles.

And damn does my body obey.

My legs fall apart, and he dives down like a man starved, causing my legs to wrap around his head. Ropes loop their way around my thighs, spreading them right back apart for him and the shit nearly pulls me off my pillows.

My hand flies to his chestnut curls while the other grips the moss beneath me to hold me steady, but the fucking view I see when I get myself balanced might as well have me free-falling off a cliff.

I can’t even close my eyes from the pleasure because I’m too consumed watching him devour me. I can see it all. Every stroke of his tongue, the desire on his face, his hard cock.

It’s all there for my viewing pleasure.

All that calm, centered balance we both felt goes flying right out the window as his tongue rotates, working over my clit and plunging inside of me. If he keeps up this maddening mix, I’m going to reach my peak multiple times over before finally achieving the release that’s on the edge, waiting not so patiently.

“Tillman, please. I need you inside of me.”

The deep groan that leaves his mouth has my pussy clenching around fucking nothing, but the guttural moan that leaves me has him answering my plea.

Like the master of pleasure he is, he sinks two of his fingers inside of me, while never stopping his tortuous circles around my clit. But when I watch his other hand travel down to his cock and stroke it in sync with his fingers, I can’t help the two things that go through my mind.

One, he’s so fucking amazing at this. If I had more patience with coming, I’d want him to feast on me all day.

Two, his cock is mine, as well as his pleasure.

Possessive? Yes. In this moment, do I give a single fuck? No.

“Your pleasure belongs to me. ”

Something between a moan, purr, and growl comes out of me, and the ravenous smile that comes over his face has me both clenching around him and shaking from anticipation.

“Is that right, little warrior?”

His eyes never leave mine and my nipples grow so incredibly painful watching him slowly lick me, I almost forget what he’s asking about.

“Yes,” I cry out, both answering his question and because he presses the pad of his tongue harder against me.

Without missing a beat, his thumb replaces his tongue, and he slams his cock inside of me faster than I saw him raise his head, and all the air in my lungs gets sucked out.

His hands grip my hips, holding me down as he fucks me recklessly and I release the moss that’s clutched in my fist. My nails dig into his forearms, holding on for dear life as he gives me exactly what I asked for and owns every inch of inside of me.

That beautiful burn that starts in my lower belly and spreads through every drop of my blood heats up almost unbearably. All I can manage is to pant his name over and over to let him know I’m about to detonate.

“Are you going to let me have my pleasure after you come, little warrior?”

“Fuck. Yes.” I gasp.

“Then choke my cock so I can fuck this tight pussy full of my cum.”

Yeah, I explode.

It’s not even stars I see as my orgasm rips through me, it’s just blindly white light, and I swear if this were the way I was meant to go, I’d sit my ass happily in the beyond.

“Good fucking girl.” He hisses through gritted teeth.

I didn’t think it was possible for him to get deeper than he already is, but with ease, he lifts my hips a little more and buries himself further inside of me.

His arms tremble as he pulls almost all the way out, then slams back into me one last time.

Everything around us shakes as he comes undone .

His head bows while he catches his breath for a second and his strong fingers flex on my hips before he lifts me off my pillows and lays himself where I just was. With no complaint from me, I happily lie spread out across his chest, gripping his dick every time it twitches.

“Well, that’s one way to get yourself balanced, princess.” Corentin’s teasing tone flutters in from the doorway, and I turn my head to see him leaning against the frame with a smirk on his lips.

“It’s usually your brother who likes to spy, your highness.”

“I’m here, Primary, don’t you worry,” Caspian says as he appears in the doorway right along with Corentin.

“Fuck me, some privacy,” Tillman barks halfheartedly.

“What’s the point in that? We’ve seen everything in this room plenty of times,” Draken says, crashing through the other two.

After giving me a quick kiss, he flops into Tillman’s hammock as if this is his room and everything’s completely normal. Granted, it doesn’t bother me a bit, but I’m pretty sure they bust in like this on purpose to fuck with whoever I’m with.

“The point is—”

“The point is, we’ve been outside the room since the little Primary sent a burst of lust out to all of us. That was the privacy we afforded the two of you rather than busting in and joining,” Caspian says slyly.

Whoops.

I definitely didn’t block our bonds or even attempt to after I felt so balanced. My body, mind, everything felt far too peaceful to try to switch anything up.

I shoot Cas a smile as Tillman’s element covers us in clothes and he sits us up on the floor. Like I said, it doesn’t bother me at all that they busted right on in here, but I appreciate that they do respect my alone time with each of them.

Even when Draken came into the shower when I sent him a mate’s message, he knew me and Cas were having a moment and that I reached out by accident. It’s important to each of them to have me to themselves every now and then, so they respect each other more than enough to make it happen without expecting anything from me in return .

“On another note, you feel calmer, little wanderer. Aside from the amazing sex you just had, do you feel better?”

Snorting, I smile over at him and the little twinkle in his eye. “Yeah, I do. Tillman taught me exactly what to do, and in those few moments, I felt so settled. My sight even answered and gave me a little vision.”

“Hell yeah. So is this something you need to do daily?” he asks with a wiggle of his brows.

“Yes, she needs to balance herself every day until it starts to feel more natural and comes on its own. Plus, anytime before she goes into the Amplifier room,” Tillman answers him quite literally, although I do agree.

I’m down for what Draken’s suggesting too, though.