6. Serenity

“Where did you get that?” Gareth asked, his tone rough as his eyes trailed the length of my body.

It was one of our late-night kitchen run-ins. The ones I lived for. The ones that had happened every night for the past two weeks. I didn’t think it was by chance anymore. I was quite sure Gareth looked forward to them as much as I did.

In my efforts to earn another kiss, I’d started wearing sexier outfits in the hope of holding his attention once and for all.

“You gave me that credit card,” I answered innocently, stirring the ice in the mocktail Id just made with a glass straw. “You told me I could buy whatever I needed, and Hans showed me how to set up the shopping app on my phone.”

A phone Gareth gifted me, even when I told him I had nobody to call. No real friends who wouldnt sell me out for half a dime to my father if I reached out to them. No family that wouldnt do the same. Hed programmed his number into it, anyway, stating I could always text him. And I had. Innocent, get-to-know-you texts that I genuinely lived for.

Gareth grabbed a soda water out of the refrigerator, looking like he was having difficulty taking his eyes off of me. I took that as a win, having chosen a white lacey camisole tank top and another pair of silk white shorts that were trimmed in lace. This was the third night Id attempted something like this, but it was the first night Id chosen white again. I thought edgier colors like black or red would be more his style, but hed managed not to question those, just growling softly while keeping his distance.

“You could have asked me,” he said. “You didnt need to have my butler show you how to set up the app.” He took up a good lean against the kitchen island, leaving at least five feet between us.

I shrugged. “I like Hans,” I said honestly. The butler had been nothing but kind to me, and he was funny too. Unlike my fathers staff, Hans was genuine and I almost considered him a friend, but he was nothing if not professional, only approaching me if I asked a question first.

“Is that the only reason you asked him and not me? Were you wanting to keep your new purchases a secret?”

Heat spiraled beneath my skin at the tease of a smile that played across his lips. The genuine, endearing smiles were so rare that I coveted them like precious gemstones. His confident smirk that bordered on wolfish I was used to, but those smiles? I might be delusional, but I felt like they were just for me.

“Isnt that a normal thing?” I asked, my heart racing from the adrenaline coursing through my veins. You’d think I was about to take a plunging drop on a roller coaster instead of having a simple, flirtatious conversation with my husband.

“What? Asking my butler for help?”

“No,” I answered, laughing. “A wife wanting to surprise her husband with some sexy lingerie?” I couldnt even say the words without blushing, and by the way Gareth’s eyes trailed to my cheeks, he noticed.

Another low growl rumbled from his very defined chest, evident underneath the white T-shirt he wore. All that beautiful ink swirled over his muscled arms, and while Id gotten glimpses of him without his shirt on, I wanted uninterrupted time to study the ink that lay beneath the fabric. I wanted to run my fingertips along the designs and ask him about each one.

“Youre playing a dangerous game, angel,” Gareth said.

I couldnt help but laugh. “Out of all the games I’ve played, the one where you’re my partner feels the safest. Am I wrong?”

“No,” he said. “You know thats not what I meant.”

“And you know where I stand on the matter,” I said.

It’d been a month since we got married, and while I cherished the quality time I was getting to spend with him in a platonic way, I knew the only way to truly protect myself was to have Gareth take my virginity. It’s not like I wanted to take advantage of him, but I knew that doing me this favor wouldnt hurt his reputation at all, and it would in all legitimacy save my life.

I knew it. The minute I became a non-sellable object to my father, he would leave us alone forever. Not that he’d made an official move against us, but I knew him. My father would wait until our guard was down and then strike when we least expected it.

And maybe it was a fantasy I was living in, but I also knew the longer we didnt annul this marriage, the better off Id be. Getting Gareth to sleep with me was hedging my bets, as they say, so often in their poker game.

“Gareth,” I said, letting a little bit of the plea slip in my voice. “Ive watched you at poker games, you know?”

“And?”

“And,” I continued. “I know the appetite you have. Its been a month since we took our vows. Unless theres something Im not seeing, you havent done anything to satisfy that appetite.” My heart raced in my chest, and I took a deep breath to try to slow it down.

“Are you saying you want to be my snack?” he asked playfully, and desire unfurled beneath my skin. I felt hot and breathless all at the same time. Warmth pooled in my core in a way that begged me to shift my legs.

“Im a man of my word,” he continued before I could respond. “I meant those vows. There wont be any other women. You dont need to worry about that.”

The relief that fluttered in my chest told me just how worried about that I’d actually been. “And thats fine with you?”

“Of course it is,” he said. “Im working on making sure were both out of this before it becomes an issue. Dont worry, Ill find a way to protect you and not ruin you at the same time.”

A sense of urgency washed over me, my eyes widening at his admission of working on actively trying to get us out of this marriage. One that obviously left me alive, but didnt he realize that if he left me the way I was, I’d still be a prime target? I knew hed been out of the game for a while, but had it been so long that he could be that na?ve?

I needed to double my efforts. Operation Seduce Gareth Maxfield was definitely not working so far. Except for the one night I hadnt actually been trying. That night I’d simply been eating ice cream in his kitchen, enjoying the little freedoms I was allowed, and somehow, that had earned me a kiss.

The memory of that kiss stayed with me every second since, and it’d been two weeks. I swear I could still feel the impact his lips made on mine. He’d been gentle at first, explorative, and then he’d been something else altogether. The combination had become this intoxicating thing that I was consumed by. I would happily die inside that kiss and had spent shameless hours living in that memory because it was one of the most exhilarating and happy memories I had to cling to.

And if this was all going to come crashing down in the end, I wanted more. Maybe that made me a selfish human being, but with the way hed given in to it, the way hed taken control of it, I didnt think it was one-sided.

“You should get some sleep, angel,” Gareth said when I remained silent too long. “And maybe put some clothes on,” he continued. “I know I keep it warm in the winter, but I would hate for you to freeze.”

His eyes lingered on the hem of my shorts before returning to mine.

I smiled. “Does it bother you?” I asked. “Seeing so much of my skin?”

“No,” he said. “But thats the thing. It doesnt matter what youre wearing, Im always enamored by you.”

My heart flipped in my chest. “Then why wont you be with me?”

“Ive told you?—

“No,” I cut him off. “Truly? Im not afraid of you. Im being up-front with you about what I want. What I need. I know its not an attraction issue, and after living with you for a month and us being able to have fun even doing something like watching silly reality shows together, Im guessing its not a personality thing either. Is it because I don’t know what I’m doing? Because I’d be a chore?” I swallowed hard, emotion catching up to me.

“Fuck no,” he growled. “You could never be a chore to me.” He sighed. “Youve been used your entire life, Serenity. Every choice was taken from you. Every pleasure, every luxury. Youve been used and bargained for and promised to others. I’ll never be that person who uses you as a means to an end. And even if I was an asshole and didnt care about all of that, I still wouldnt, because you deserve someone gentle. Someone who doesnt have a dark past. Someone you can have a future with that doesnt include looking over your shoulder and finding either enemies or extra guards there. I want that future for you, the one where you make your own choices about who you want to be with, not because you were forced to knock on the scariest persons door you could find.”

He furrowed his brow, silently begging me to understand.

I couldnt find the right words to respond.

“Goodnight, angel,” he said, turning out of the kitchen and disappearing down the hallway.

It took me a full two minutes to ensure I wouldnt break down into tears.

I slowly sipped the rest of my mocktail in the kitchen while I contemplated what he’d said.

No one had ever spoken to me like that. He had such a clear perspective on my life. No one had ever put me first or had my best interests at heart.

Not the way he did.

And while I appreciated his sentiment, it didnt change what needed to be done.

More than that, it didn’t change the fact that I chose him on purpose.

I needed to tell him. Needed to find a way to make him understand.

I’d knocked on his door because he was the only one who’d ever made me feel alive.

The next day, when I was certain that Gareth and Brooks had gone out to handle some business meeting, and that no staff members could happen upon me, I plopped myself on the couch in the living room and turned on his giant TV. The space was my favorite in Gareth’s home, second only to his kitchen, because we’d spent so much time together right here on this leather couch. The TV was nestled in a wall of built-ins, the shelves lined with books and other decorative trinkets that gave the room a cozy feel. The couch was in the middle of the room, its back facing the entrance, and two other chairs flanked its sides, making the TV the focus in this room.

Gareth was routine in the fact that after he finished work for the day, he made sure to have dinner with me, followed by something as safe and innocent as watching a reality show. I cherished the moments, reveled in the small glimpses I got to see him with almost all his guard down. The only wall he left up was the one I was desperate to breech—the intimate one.

Settling into the couch, I committed to learning as much as I could to help me in that endeavor, but even now nerves racked my body as I typed in a very particular word into the search bar on the TV.

The search came back with too many results to count.

I sat up a little straighter. Who knew there was so much porn available at the click of a button?

Even as I selected one, I had the urge to look over my shoulder at the entrance, my body instantly doused with fear at the thought of getting caught. I knew that reaction had been built into me over time, and this was something I would never have risked in my own home. And even knowing that Gareth would never punish me for something like this, my bodys muscle memory had been trained for years to fear my fathers wrath.

But he wasnt here.

No one was.

And I needed to educate myself.

I’d always been a visual learner, and sadly, the books I’d researched didn’t have what I was looking for. Gareth was a very experienced man, not to mention the dominating kind, so where better to start my research than in the visual world of porn?

I started the video, half burying my face in my hands, watching the scene play out through my fingers, feeling absolutely scandalized. As the minutes ticked by, I realized that this might not have been the right choice. While there were some parts that were certainly interesting and that I wouldnt mind reenacting with Gareth, the buildup to that moment didnt take much on the actors’ parts. In fact, the two main characters barely shared a few words with each other before they were ripping each others clothes off.

Was that what I was supposed to do? Simply throw myself at Gareth the next time I saw him? Did I need to walk into his bedroom naked? Was that all it would take to settle this difference of opinion between us?

It certainly worked for the female character in the film. Even now her moans were ringing through the speakers at an almost absurdly loud level?—

“Whoa,” I heard a voice say behind me, and I immediately whirled around.

Gareth and Brooks stood at the entrance of the living room, mouths agape and eyes wide.

“I need to be…elsewhere,” Brooks said before quickly backing out of the room.

I fumbled with the remote, accidentally turning up the volume instead of turning off the salacious pounding that was happening on the screen.

Gareth’s laughter rang out as I finally shut off the TV. His laugh, and how much I loved that sound, was the only thing that kept me from crumbling into a mortified mess.

“What in the hell are you doing?” Gareth asked through his laughter, reeling it in. “Because your hands are clearly visible, and your clothes are fully on.”

I gaped up at him from where I sat on the couch. “I wouldnt do that in the living room!”

Not that I’d done much of that in general. I’d tried a few times over the last few years, but it was always hard for me to get myself in the right headspace, especially because the fear of getting caught overshadowed any form of escapism I could create. It wasn’t like I had a lock on my bedroom door at my father’s house. On the inside, anyway.

Gareth chuckled again. “Angel, youre watching porn in the living room. Is it really a stretch for me to think youd be touching yourself?”

Something serious flashed in his eyes as he said those words, as if he imagined that exact thing.

I filed away the look, treasuring it. Maybe that was the way to go about things. Maybe I could send him a text, a picture of me doing that exact thing. Maybe that would make him wild with need, like the characters in the movie, and he would bust down my door.

The thought was so outlandish it almost made me laugh.

“Are you going to tell me what you were doing?”

“Educating myself,” I finally answered.

Gareth tilted his head. “You know what sex is, Serenity. I know you were sheltered, but you know what that is.”

“Of course I do,” I said, resisting the urge to roll my eyes. “But clearly,” I said, emphasizing the way I looked him up and down. “I have zero clue when it comes to getting to that part. Seduction seems to be something I’m lacking.”

Gareths playful smile dropped, and he slowly spanned the distance between us, placing both palms on the edge of the couch, leaning down so close I swore he was going to kiss me.

“Its not about seduction, angel,” he said, his lips a breath away from mine. “Its about control. And choice. I’m doing my best to give you both.”

“If youre giving me those, then I want?—

“Serenity, please,” he begged. “Its only been a month. You still flinch if I walk behind you and you dont know Im in the room. You’re still healing. Even if I forgot all my other reasons, that would be enough to wait. You have to trust me. Im trying to take care of you.”

He pushed off the couch, heading out of the living room.

I was growing accustomed to the sight of his deliciously muscled back as he left whatever room I was in. Especially anytime I brought up what I needed.

I sank deeper into the couch, hope quickly replacing my mortification.

Gareth was saying all the right things, and maybe if we were on an unlimited timeline, then it would’ve been the sweetest option in the world to wait.

But the clock was ticking.