9. Chapter Nine

Chapter Nine

Brandon left the living room as Gabriel helped Tristan write his letter to his parents. Gabriel wrote one, too, and it was the hardest letter he’d ever written.

He thanked his mom for everything he could think of, telling her how very much he missed her. It was all in his letter, and Tristan’s was simpler, sure, but it said the same things, in his own words.

Just as he was licking the envelope that held Tristan’s letter, Gabriel heard a racket from upstairs. He ran as fast as he could, taking two and three stairs at a time before he got to Brandon’s room and saw him throwing his lamp against the wall.

His room was a mess. He’d thrown his toys, his bedding, and was starting on what was left. Gabriel’s throat constricted, and he rushed to Brandon, taking the boy into his arms.

Brandon fought and screamed, “I hate her! I hate both of them! I hate them! I hate them!”

Gabriel knew it was coming, but he hadn’t expected it, not after they’d had such a good day together. “Bran, stop, stop, honey, stop.”

He fought to get free of Gabriel, but Gabriel held tight. “ I hate her! She said she’d never leave! She’s a goddamn liar! I hate her! ”

Gabriel spun him around, shaking him gently. “What are you talking about?”

His face was wet with tears, and he could barely speak. “She…she…said she wouldn’t leave. Tommy’s mom left to move to Texas. I…I asked her. I asked her!”

“You asked her if she’d leave you like that?”

“Yes! She fucking lied!”

“No, honey, she didn’t lie. She didn’t!”

Brandon struggled to get away from him, but Gabriel held his arms.

“Brandon, she didn’t mean to. Do you think she wanted to die and leave us?”

Brandon moved into him and cried so hard that Gabriel thought he’d vomit. Tristan was in the doorway of Brandon’s room, and he, too, was crying. Gabriel got up and held Brandon’s hand, pulled him along, and then grabbed Tristan’s hand.

He moved them to the bedroom that none had dared to enter since Gabriel had gone in to get their clothing for the funeral. Letting go of Tristan, he opened the door, pushing it until they were all staring into the room, the bed with its red duvet and white throw pillows mostly all they could see. Taking Gabriel’s hand, he led them into the room.

The boys followed like they were on autopilot. When he let go of them, however, neither ran back out.

The lilac-scented candles were in a bunch on the end of the dresser, next to her makeup and curling iron. A tall jewelry box stood opposite, and Gabriel remembered the day she got that at a thrift store.

“Mom, you don’t have much jewelry. What are you gonna do with a jewelry box that big?” his ten-year-old self asked her.

With a full smile, she paid the woman at the table and whispered to him, “I’ll fill this with pretty things eventually. One thing at a time. You’ll see. One day, it’ll be full.”

He went there first and opened the top drawer.

“See this, the very top drawer? This is where I’ll put all the things you make for me at school and the gifts you give me for special occasions,” she said as she dropped the cheap Dollar Store bracelet he’d bought for her birthday inside the drawer.

There it was, in a corner of the drawer, but it wasn’t alone. True to her word, she’d put macaroni necklaces and little trinkets that her three sons had given her over the years. There was a keychain with Brandon’s kindergarten photo hanging from the ring. He held it by the ring and turned to the boys. “See this? Would she have left on purpose and not taken this? Or any of her treasures?”

The boys knew the drawer and had witnessed her placing things inside of it, too. Tristan looked at his brother. “Mama wouldn’t never leave her treasures!”

Brandon stepped over to Gabriel and took the keychain. Tears continued to leak down his face. “Why’d she leave us?”

Gabriel knelt and embraced Brandon, then pulled Tristan over to add him to the family hug. “I love you guys. This will get better. It will never stop hurting, but it will get better.”

Brandon pulled back, eyes and nose leaking. Gabriel had to give him an answer, even if it would never be good enough. “I don’t know. I don’t know why she had to leave us, Brandon, but there is one thing I know, just like I know you and me and Tristan are in this place, right here, right now. She didn’t want to leave us.

“We can be mad at her, sure. I am, too, sometimes. I’m mad my mom left me. I’m even mad that I’m having to be a dad when I just wanted to be your brother, but I love you guys. I’d give up everything in the whole world to make sure you guys are okay, that you’re fed and have everything you need. You’re all I have left, both of you,” he said, looking from one to the other. “We’re all we have, and no matter what, we’re sticking together.”

Brandon nodded and moved back into Gabriel’s arms, and then Tristan did. They sat together on the floor for a long time, just quietly crying together.

Then, finally, Brandon croaked, “I don’t really hate her.”

“I know. I know that. When we get really mad, sometimes we think we hate someone.”

Eventually, they ate, the boys bathed, and they went to sleep the second their blond heads hit their pillows. The emotion had drained them, and he was the same, but there was still so much pain inside him.

As he sat alone on the couch, he wished with all his might that he wasn’t alone. He wanted to curl into a little ball and cry for a month, being held and cradled. Before he realized he was doing it, he’d called the one person that could help. At least he hoped.

In fact, he hadn’t realized he’d done it until he heard Alan’s voice on the phone. “Gabriel? Gabriel, are you okay?”

“No. I need…I really need you. I’m really sorry, God, Alan, but I need you.”

“I’ll be right there.”

Gabriel lay on the couch, unmoving, waiting, tears falling in a continuous stream. When Alan’s face appeared before his, he thought he was dreaming. “Are you real?”

“Oh, sweetheart, what happened?”

Alan’s hand was on his face, fingertips lightly brushing the tears away. He could only stare, unable to vocalize all the pain he felt.

Moving Gabriel gently, Alan sat on the couch, then, like he’d read Gabriel’s mind, his legs were across Alan’s lap, and he was being cradled. “Shh, baby, shh. It’s okay. Whatever it is, it’s going to be okay.”

Like he’d been scripted the words that Gabriel needed to hear, Alan’s voice spread over him like a blanket. The warmth and human touch he’d needed, Alan was there to provide. It was a tonic to his wounded soul, and he nuzzled his head into Alan’s neck and cried.

Patient, Alan let him. No more words, nothing but his steadiness, holding Gabriel, making him feel like a little boy himself, being comforted by someone bigger and stronger.

When the tears waned and he could finally breathe normally again and speak without stuttering, he whispered, “Thank you.”

“You don’t have to thank me.”

“Okay, then, I’m sorry?”

Alan laughed, and it rocked Gabriel in a gentle way. “Sorry for what? For feeling? I like that you feel things, Gabriel.”

“I don’t.”

Alan kissed his head sweetly, breathing there for a moment. “Oh, my sweet boy, some feelings are so hard, but if they weren’t, we couldn’t look forward to the good ones. Not to mention, that you feel this way, it’s a tribute to your mom. Only someone that had given you so much could be missed like this. Think of it as that, as a tribute to her goodness.”

“You always know the right things to say,” he whined in a whisper. God, Alan smelled good, like sandalwood, masculine and clean.

“No, that’s not true. I’ve stumbled over words my whole life. With you, though, I only want to make you feel good again.”

Alan moved Gabriel off his lap, grabbing the blanket from the back of the couch to lay over him. “I’ll be right back, okay?”

“Where are you going?”

“To make us some tea. Do you have tea?”

“In the cabinet by the sink, over the cups. There’s a metal box with different teas. My mom loved tea.”

Alan didn’t move for a few seconds, then leaned down to kiss his forehead, like he had last time he was in Gabriel’s home. “I’ll be back. Honey? Milk?”

“Both, please.”

“I should have known you liked sweet and soft.”

Gabriel grabbed a pillow and held it close to him. He watched past the dining room into the kitchen, where Alan worked to make them tea.

They had an electric tea kettle, so it wasn’t long to make, but he was thoughtful in everything he did. When he came in with the mugs in his hands, he was smiling. “Darjeeling is my favorite.”

“I wouldn’t know that from regular Lipton.”

“Oh, you would.”

Alan sat close to him with an arm wrapped around his chest as they both sipped their tea in the quiet room.

Gabriel broke the silence when he asked, “Are you close with your mom?”

“Yes. She’s supported me and encouraged me. I couldn’t have done anything I’ve done without the support of my parents. I’m guessing you feel the same about your mom.”

“Yeah. She got me through a lot. Brandon’s having trouble with math, like I did, like mom did. When she was taking her college courses, we’d both sit at the table doing homework and complaining about it. We helped each other. She hired a tutor, which was not easy with what she was making.”

“He’s having trouble with math? Well, I just so happen to be great at math. Daycare, next time, do I have your permission to maybe head down there on one of my breaks and teach him a few tricks?”

Gabriel barked a laugh. “Are you kidding? That would be amazing.”

“It’s done, then.” Gabriel felt Alan’s head moving and did a quick scan of the room, knowing Alan was likely looking at how badly the place needed dusting and how the hardwood floors needed a good sweep of Catnips’ hair, but instead, he said, “Are those photo albums?”

Happily surprised, Gabriel said, “Yeah. My mom was big on them. Everyone was taking pictures with their phones, and of course, Mom did too, but she went once every few months and got the best ones printed. They’re not all in the albums. She’s got boxes of them in her room.”

“That’s special. My youth was all physical pictures.”

“How old are you?”

“Thirty-three. Am I over the hill?”

“You’re perfect,” he said, then closed his eyes in embarrassment. “I mean…”

“Shh. Stop trying to explain yourself all the time. Sit up for a sec. I want to see some pictures of your family.”

There were a few in frames around the room, but only one with Gabriel’s mother. That one sat above the mantel, with her and Ben surrounded by the three boys. The albums had many more, and Gabriel wasn’t sure he wanted to see them.

Still, he knew he couldn’t deny a thing to Alan.

Alan returned with all three on the shelf and asked, “Which one?”

“For?”

“You are a little pain in the ass kid.”

Gabriel laughed and pointed to the blue one. “That. She even made me pick out the album.”

“And blue was your favorite color.”

“Still is,” Gabriel said, laughing. “Kinda boring, right?”

“Not unless I’m boring too. My favorite blue is cobalt, like the rim of the Mexican glasses my mother saves for parties.”

Alan sat by him again, the same arm wrapping him around his back and arm so his hand could rest on Gabriel’s chest. He opened the album to the first page, and it was Gabriel as a baby, dressed only in a diaper, toothlessly grinning at the camera. “Holy smokes, you were cute!”

“Goofy smile.”

“All babies have goofy grins. That’s why they’re so cute.”

It went from his baby pictures to others, like him in his little league uniform, his fifth-grade graduation, and a few in high school. They laughed, and Gabriel got to see his mother’s smile in so many of the pictures and her laugh at the parties.

There was one where he was fishing and had gotten the biggest fish of all the friends who had gone to the lake that day, and he heard her laughter by just looking at the picture.

“That’s why you grabbed these. You wanted me to remember the good times.”

“You don’t know me,” Alan said, laughing.

“Yeah. Sure.”

They looked at the albums, drank tea, and talked the rest of the night. The talk was light, then heavy, and light again. He learned that Alan had dreamed of being a basketball player in high school but didn’t get chosen for the scouts. Two things he had dreamed of as a kid: art and sports.

They sat close the entire night, and now and then, Alan would lean in to kiss Gabriel’s hair, holding him a little closer. It was magic after a day of hardness, and Gabriel found he never wanted it to end.

When Alan kissed his lips, it was a surprise to them both. Gabriel’s head turned to Alan when Alan was telling a story, and Alan’s words trailed off as his eyes landed on Gabriel’s lips.

Gabriel moved, Alan moved, Alan’s warmth drawing him, and he found he needed the beautiful man more than he needed air in his lungs.

The man who had come at the drop of a hat for him, who’d held him when he needed him the most. His lips were warm too, warm and strong, pressing into his purposely, sweetly. Alan’s hand was on Gabriel’s face, the other arm holding him closely.

The magic of that kiss made Gabriel believe in the world again. He believed in dreams, magic, and all the beauty he’d forgotten while he mourned. Alan made him believe again.

A kiss on his bottom lip, one on the corner of Gabriel’s mouth, a nearly silent moan that rumbled in Alan’s chest. Gabriel knew he’d never in his life forget that kiss.

“I should go.”

“I wish you never had to, but…”

He couldn’t believe what he was about to say, but as he looked into Alan’s eyes, he saw reservation of the words he seemed to know were coming.

“With the boys, and everything, it’s not time to…to start this, whatever this is.”

“You know what this is, Gabriel,” he whispered, then kissed him again, slowly, once, twice, and then pulled away, turning his head. “But you’re right. It’s not the time.”

He rose from the couch, and Gabriel got up as well, grabbing Alan’s hand. “You know, if…”

Alan turned back to him, grabbing his face with both hands, and that kiss wasn’t so gentle. Alan kissed him with a passion that left Gabriel breathless. Their tongues, lips, breath, all meeting, dancing, loving, and when it was over, Alan whispered, “Not if, Gabriel. When. When you are ready, I’m waiting for you. I don’t want anyone else but you.”

Before Gabriel could so much as catch his breath, Alan was gone. Gabriel sat on the couch hard, like he’d dreamed the entire wonderful night.