11. Chapter Eleven

Chapter Eleven

The Christmas party at work was a family party, and Alan, dressed as Santa again, passed out gifts to all the employees' kids.

Brandon laughed when he went to get his, whispering in Santa’s ear. They both giggled like they were in on some joke no one else was allowed to know.

It made Gabriel happy to see, but it also tore at his heart.

When Santa met him by the punchbowl, he whispered, “You didn’t get your gift.”

“This job is my gift.”

“All of you get something, Gabriel. I promise this isn’t preferential treatment.”

Why that made him feel low, he didn’t know. Maybe he wanted a little treatment, that was all for him. Selfish, sure, but he’d given the man up. He wanted something that was all his.

“Okay, Santa. Where is my gift?”

Alan handed him an envelope. “Christmas bonus, and before you bitch, everyone got one.”

“I’ve been working here a month, Alan.”

“Stop. Take the Christmas bonus and smile.”

He did, taking it and sticking it in his back pocket. “Thank you. For…everything.”

Alan’s eyes, through that wig and beard, showed darkly, but they still had a shine to them, and Gabriel could tell he was smiling. “Thank you, Gabriel. You’ve made this Christmas good for me, too.”

Before Gabriel could ask what he could have possibly meant, Alan was gone, ho-ho-ho laughs ringing out as he went to speak to Cece’s family.

Christmas music was playing, Tristan was playing with the other kids, and Brandon was looking over his gift, an e-reader filled with books already downloaded. All the kids, including Tristan, got those, all the books specially targeted to their ages.

That had to take a lot of work and a lot of research on Alan’s part, but that was what he excelled at. That and art.

And making Gabriel feel special.

When they got home that night, and the kids were tucked into bed, Gabriel took out the envelope from his pocket and opened it, only to find a five-hundred-dollar bonus.

“Alan, you’re incredible.”

He picked up his phone to call him, thank him, but let the phone drop back to the couch. Catnip jumped up to get comfortable on his lap, and her paws lay on the screen. “I know. I don’t need to call him. I’ll see him at work a couple of days after Christmas.”

She meowed at him and then began to purr.

The next day, he packed up the bedroom, crying on and off as he did so. The boys were playing video games in the living room, but Brandon saw his eyes and knew he was crying. When Gabriel returned to the kitchen to get a drink, Brandon leaned on the door jamb. “Sorry, I’m not helping.”

“I’d rather you didn’t, Brandon. It’s okay.”

“But…you’re sad.”

Gabriel downed the rest of the water and turned to him. “I am. I am sad, but it needs to be done. I need to sleep up there with you guys, so if Tristan has a bad dream or falls out of bed, or if you need me, I’m right there, and you both aren’t running down the stairs in the dark.”

“Grownup. But…you’re still like a kid too, like…not a kid, but you don’t have a mom either.”

Gabriel went to him, picking him off his feet and hugging him. “You’re a great little brother, Brandon. I don’t tell you that enough.”

“You’re such a girl,” he said, laughing.

“Gabe! Gaaabe !”

“God, he’s annoying,” Brandon grumbled as Gabriel set him back on his feet.

“Yeah, he is, but he’s our little brother. We have to deal with it.”

“Guess so.”

Tristan was pointing outside the big window. “It’s snowing! It’s snowing!”

Gabriel picked him up, and the three of them went to the window. “I can’t believe we’re getting a white Christmas this year.”

Brandon, always the sly one, asked, “Two days away. Can’t we open something early?”

“Yeah. The socks.”

Brandon groaned, “Really funny, Gabriel!” Then he gave Gabriel the big pout usually worn by his younger brother. “Please!”

“I’ll tell you what. We can open one on Christmas Eve.”

“We always do that!”

Gabriel smiled wickedly. “I know.”

“You’re horrible,” Brandon said, then laughed, and that magical sound carried him through the night as he lay in his mother’s big bed, trying to ignore the smell of lilacs.

On Christmas Eve, they made cookies. Even though half of them burned, the rest were pretty good, and they toiled on decorating them, saving the prettiest ones for Santa.

Well, pretty was in the eye of the beholder. Tristan’s were like a bloodbath on the tree because he only used red and a smidgen of white on all his Santa cookies.

They took a drive to see the lights, and there were fewer than there were when Gabriel was a kid, but the people who had decorated their homes went all out, with inflatable Santas and snowmen, light shows using projectors, and music coming from many of the houses.

When they got home, they opened one present each, enjoyed hot cocoa, and they talked over the lights, telling one another about their favorites. Gabriel didn’t think Tristan would wind down enough to sleep, but after taking him on his lap to watch the tree lights, he was soon asleep in Gabriel’s arms.

He carried Tristan to bed, tucking him under the covers with a kiss on his forehead, and once he got down the stairs, he saw Brandon shoving his phone in his pocket, looking so overly innocent; Gabriel knew he was up to something. “What’s up, Brandon?”

“Nothing,” he said and did the worst fake yawn Gabriel had ever seen. “I’m going to bed.”

“You don’t have to.”

“I’m super tired, and besides, the sooner I go to bed, the sooner Santa comes, right?”

He knew Brandon no longer believed in Santa, but he figured he knew that Gabriel wouldn’t set out the Santa gifts until he was in bed. “Fine. Come here,” he said, and Brandon went to him, cringing over the hug and kiss he received from his big brother.

“Gross. You’re such a girl.”

“Girls are nice, so that is a compliment.”

As he stomped up the stairs, he mumbled, “So weird.”

Gabriel waited until Brandon was safely in his room and headed to the basement where he’d stashed the Santa gifts.

For a few minutes, he sat on the stairs, staring at the gifts that were perched on top of the boxes he’d stored in the basement from his mother’s room. “Mom, I hope I’m doing this right. I’m trying to remember how you did things, and I know I’m nowhere near as good as you were about this stuff, but maybe…maybe I’ll give them some good memories too. They’re good kids, Mom. No, they’re great kids. You were a great mom, and, well, I hope I can finish off what you started and not screw them up completely.

“Mom? I, uh…I know what sacrifices you made for me. I am totally in love with this guy, and I know you’d like him. But…giving him up for the boys is maybe the hardest thing I ever did, but you would have done it for me, and in fact, I know you did. So, yeah, it hurts, and sometimes, it hurts really bad, but they’re worth it.”

After swatting at the tears running down his cheeks, he added one more thing. “The boys and me, we wrote you letters. We finally finished them after…you know, after Brandon finally broke down, and I hope somehow you know what’s in them. They miss you and Ben. I miss you too, and I even miss Ben. Tell him…tell him I don’t blame him, or you, anymore. You were happy with him. I know that. Tell him…tell him thanks for giving me the best thing that ever happened to me, my little brothers.”

More tears were wiped away on the sleeve of his black turtleneck sweater, and he mumbled, “God, Brandon was right. I am a girl.”

He grabbed the boxes and hefted them up the stairs, huffing before he got to the top. The drone alone was heavy, but the two remote “dinos” had some weight to them too.

After settling them under the tree, he took a couple of pictures with his phone. He’d done that throughout the evening, and he’d take more on Christmas day. Sometime, the following week, he’d get them printed and continue yet another tradition his mother started.

He and Catnip sat on the couch letting the quiet of the evening lull them both closer to sleep. That was until he heard loud footsteps on the porch.

“What the hell?”

Catnip moved off his lap and curled up on the end of the couch, unconcerned, but he was. It was Christmas Eve, and if someone was trying to break in, he had two little boys to defend.

When he went to the big window, he wiped the vapor from it that his breath had made, and he was shocked to see Santa Claus outside.

Cautiously going to the door, he looked out the peephole, thinking he’d gone crazy. No, through that little hole, he saw Santa again. But he recognized the dark skin that barely showed through the fake beard and wig. “Alan?”

After opening the door, Alan reached for Gabriel and pulled him onto the porch. Suddenly, Gabriel was wrapped in his warm embrace, the soft fleece of the suit taking the sting off the air outside the house.

“What are you doing here?”

Alan let go of him and bent to pick up the red bag that went with the suit. “Duh, I’m Santa, what do you think?”

“You gave us gifts at the Christmas party! Alan…”

Alan tore off the beard and hat, letting them fall to the floor of the porch, pulling Gabriel close to whisper, “Those gifts everyone got, but you’re special. You’re the guy I fell in love with.”

He stared into those dark eyes that shined and had so much hope in them; Gabriel was thrown so far and fast that he was breathless. “You’re in love with me?”

“I kinda thought that was pretty obvious, but if you’re too thick to see it, yeah, Gabriel, I’m very much in love with you.”

Tears ran down his face, and they were warm on his cold cheeks. He couldn’t breathe, couldn’t speak, so he moved his mouth to Alan’s and set his lips on his.

The kiss was wet, but not from their mouths. The tears ran faster, and he clutched at Alan, wanting to say so much to him, but he couldn’t find words in the swirling of his emotions.

Alan’s fingers threaded through Gabriel’s hair, his real beard tickling Gabriel’s chin, and they stood there like that for what felt like hours.

Alan pulled back first, smiling. “Let’s get you inside before you freeze.”

All he could do was nod.

Once they were inside the door, words started to form in his mind. The boys can’t do this; they have to sacrifice; they aren’t ready; too much change is bad for them…

But he looked up at the stairs, and Brandon was sitting on the step right in the middle, elbows on his knees, hands supporting his head, and smiling.

“Brandon, what are you…doing?”

He got up and walked carefully down the stairs to Brandon in his pajamas, moving past him to hug Alan. “I told you he was a mess.”

Gabriel stood staring as Brandon next moved to him, hugging him tightly. “Merry Christmas, Gabriel. I got you a fake Santa.”

Giggling as he ran back up the stairs, Gabriel was again speechless. “Come here,” Alan said, grabbing his hand and leading him to the couch. “Sit.”

Unable to think of one reason he shouldn’t, he sat and stared at Alan like he was a mirage.

Alan took off the Santa coat, and he was in the white sweater that Gabriel had seen him in the first day he went to the office. He knew it would always be his favorite.

Alan sat beside him and pointed to the top of their Christmas tree. “Is that the one? The one you wished on?”

“What? What are you talking about?”

“Brandon told me he was coming downstairs for some water one night, and you were staring at it, making some wish…for me. At least, he assumed it was me since, and I quote, Gabriel’s all gaga over you .” Gabriel felt fresh tears as he turned to Alan. “He wanted to give you something because he knew how much you gave up being here to care for them. Smart kid, I gotta say, he sees more and figures stuff out that I’d have never credited an eight-year-old for.”

Gabriel looked up the stairs. He wanted to run up them and hug his brother until he popped. “Brandon…”

“Yeah. Good kid, like I told you.” Alan pulled Gabriel close, telling him to lay his legs over his lap, whispering, “I do love you, Gabriel. It was just about love at first sight for me, and I never thought that could happen for real.”

The words came then, and he felt as if he couldn’t stop them or the tears that came with them. “I’m so freaking crazy in love with you, I can barely breathe, but, Alan, nothing has changed. The boys, they…they need me right now and a big change, it can’t happen, and as much as it kills me, I?”

“Need to shut the fuck up.”

They heard giggling from up the stairs, and Alan yelled, “Go to bed, Brandon.”

“Fine!”

“What the hell is all this about? Why did he tell you what I said?”

“Because he loves you. He sees a lot more than you’ve given him credit for seeing. He wants you to be happy, too, as much as you want to make him happy. He’s even talked all this over with his therapist.”

He didn’t think anything could shock him more than he was already. “Excuse me?”

“Yeah. Surprised me, too. He keeps things bottled up, like you do. You were right; you share a lot of traits with him, but he knows that, too. He knows you’d never let me in without being pushed to do it. He started talking to me when I was tutoring him with his math, and I felt like shit for talking behind your back. And he got mad at me for that. He told me you’d go forever without being with me if I didn’t push you. So, here I am, because he pushed.”

“Did he call you a girl?”

Alan’s eyes got wide. “How’d you know?”

“Never mind.”

Alan cradled him like he did the night they spent together on that same couch, and his kisses were light and sweet, his gentle caresses lulling him into a soft place he didn’t think he’d ever feel again. “So, you love me?”

“As Brandon would say, duh.”

“Yeah, I kind of figured,” Alan said, chuckling. “We’ll take this slow, baby. I don’t want to get in the way of you and the boys. I just can’t take not holding you, taking care of you. You need someone to take care of you, too.”

“Okay, Daddy.”

Alan chuckled but said, “Yeah. I may not be old enough to be considered one in our community, but I don’t care. You need love in your life. You need a daddy to care for you like you care for everyone else.” He moved and tenderly took Gabriel’s legs from his lap. “Speaking of which…”

He got off the couch and retrieved the bag he’d left by the door. He sat on the couch and started digging inside of it. “You already gave me something!”

“Do I have to tell you to shut the fuck up again?”

“No, Daddy,” he said, then felt his face heat.

“That’s better.” He kissed Gabriel quickly. “You’re really cute when you blush.”

“Shut up!”

“Shut me up.”

Gabriel felt so hot, he was sweating, but he moved to kiss the man, pressing his lips against Alan’s hard. Alan pulled back, grinning. “Nice. Very nice.”

Alan pulled a big, fluffy teddy bear from the big red bag. Gabriel looked at the brown bear with sad eyes, the black ribbon around his neck tied in a bow, and felt tears welling again. If Alan didn’t stop being so sweet, he’d become dehydrated.

“Is that…mine?”

“In the immortal words of Brandon, again, duh.”

Gabriel reached for the bear and pulled it to him, feeling the softness on his cheek. “I love it.”

“Not it! Him! And his name is Allen, though spelled differently than my name. He’s with two Ls and an E. He’s for when I’m not here. I figured it would be a long time before we could stay with each other, you know, at night. So, he’s here to let you know that I’m in love with this great guy, and if I could, I’d be the one he’s holding at night.”

“I love him so much. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

He huffed a laugh and whispered, “Brandon. Was that the sweetest thing?”

“I’ve been calling him Trail Mix.”

“Trail Mix?”

“The perfect combination of sweet and salty.”

Garbiel laughed as he squeezed Allen to him while resting his head on Alan’s shoulder. “It’s perfect for him.”