37. Evie

Chapter 37

Evie

Pain.

Pain everywhere.

And crying?

I think that's what that sound is.

That was enough to trigger my brain, and even though my eyes were closed—or so I assumed—the memories came rushing back.

The operating room.

Hunter being born and the overwhelming relief that came with it.

Painful pushing on my belly as multiple hands poked and prodded, trying to maneuver the baby still inside me into the correct position.

My hearing dropping out.

My vision closing in on me.

Opening my mouth to tell the doctors that something wasn't right, but nothing coming out.

Then darkness.

That's the last thing I could remember.

What had happened after that? Had Hendrix made it out safe? Where was I? Why was every cell in my body screaming in agony?

And most importantly, who was crying?

My eyelids felt weighted down, but I used all my strength to crack them open.

Immediately, I grew frustrated that I was still in the dark. What the fuck?

Eventually, my eyes adjusted to the dim room, and I found the source of the crying.

Jenner was hunched over in a chair by my bedside, head dropped into his hands as he openly wept.

My stomach bottomed out. In my mind, there could only be one reason for him to be crying. And as gut-wrenching as the prospect of losing a child was, I needed to know.

I licked my lips, my mouth feeling like it was stuffed with cotton, but I managed to croak out, "Did he make it?"

Jenner's head popped up, his sad brown eyes rimmed with red. In a flash, he was leaning over me, cupping my face.

"Evie," he breathed out, tears falling freely from his eyes and onto my skin. "Fuck, baby. I was so scared I'd lost you."

Terrified to utter his name aloud, I forced myself to ask the question again. "Hendrix. Did he make it?"

Pressing his forehead to mine, Jenner's shaky breaths fanned my face. "He's okay. Healthy and strong, just like his big brother."

My lower lip trembled, and my chest heaved.

"Thank God." The words were a garbled mess as emotions took over. They were both safe.

That sudden rush of relief was almost enough to make me forget the fire burning through my veins. Almost.

"It hurts," I whispered.

Pulling back, Jenner jumped right into action. "I'll find a nurse now. Once your pain is under control, it's time for you to meet our boys."

Our boys. Nothing had ever sounded so sweet.

It was almost a full week before the twins and I were discharged from the hospital.

I was one of the lucky few who got the pleasure of trying to recover from both a vaginal and surgical delivery simultaneously. And I definitely wouldn't recommend it. I had stitches and staples. Yay, me.

Jenner made me wait in the car until he'd taken both boys nestled inside their carriers into the house one by one. Then, he opened the passenger door and held my hand as I gingerly stepped out.

Pain was expected to be my constant companion for a while, and I just had to suck it up and deal with it. Sure, I'd been given medications, but they only took the edge off.

I learned pretty quickly that trying to breastfeed the boys only made it worse, and crying the entire time they nursed didn't exactly provide the serene bonding experience I'd hoped for. So, formula it was. The important thing was that they were getting fed, and I clung to that when thoughts of failing to feed my babies with my body crept in.

I'd barely made it a few feet into the house before I realized how busy it was. Excited chatter leaked into the mudroom from the common areas.

Gripping Jenner's hand tighter, I asked, "Why's everyone here?"

"Our families, both biological and found, wanted to be there for us," he replied.

Turning the corner into the kitchen, my mama caught sight of me first. Rushing forward, she pulled me into her arms. "Gave us quite a fright, darlin'. You always did have a flair for the dramatic, though."

I gave her a tight smile, biting my tongue about how almost dying during childbirth hadn't exactly been done for attention.

The noises layering over one another put me on sensory overload. I knew it wasn't polite and that our friends and family were only trying to help, but I couldn't deal with this right now.

"I want to go lie down," I said to Jenner.

There was no hesitation on my husband's part. "Of course. Let me help you get upstairs."

Climbing steps was one of those things on the list to avoid, but I gritted my teeth and pushed through the pain. I wanted to be in my bed, and once I reached the top, I planned to stay on the second floor for a while.

Jenner eased my shoes off as I sat on the edge of the bed and helped move the pillows around until I was in a comfortable enough position.

"I want Hope."

Emmy had brought her by the hospital once, but I was missing my baby girl something fierce.

"I'll bring her right up." Jenner pressed a kiss to my forehead. "We did it, babe. Our little family is finally complete."

It wasn't until after he'd brought me our daughter and went to check on the boys that I let the first tear fall.

I'd gotten everything I ever wanted. Why wasn't I happier about it?

"Okay, which one do you want?" Jenner walked into our bedroom with both boys cradled in one of his arms—they were that teeny tiny.

"Hunter."

My handsome husband shot me a look that told me he'd noticed how I gravitated toward Hunter. He knew me better than anyone else and could tell I was struggling, but he was afraid to bring it up.

Given my history of letting my emotions overrule reason, I couldn't say I blamed him for being apprehensive.

With a barely audible sigh, Jenner brought me Hunter, and I cradled his warm form to my chest. Next, Jenner handed me a prepared bottle from the pocket of his joggers.

Our moms and Emmy were around to help with all three kids during the day, but in the middle of the night, it was only the two of us against all three kids. Thankfully, Hope slept longer stretches, but the twins were up every two hours. Their tiny tummies needed constant filling.

Settling beside me in bed, Jenner popped a bottle into Hendrix's mouth, and the sounds of the boys' greedy sucking filled the quiet room.

I was hanging on, but just barely. I wasn't sure how much longer I'd be able to keep it together for my new family, even though I knew how much they needed me.

"Evie, are you crying?" Jenner's groggy voice reached my ears, and I froze.

Wiping a hand beneath my runny nose, I cursed my watery voice in my reply. "No."

"Evie." He sighed. "Why are you trying to hide from me? Why won't you let me help you?"

"I'm not allowed to complain," I whispered my confession.

"What?" The mattress dipped behind me before Jenner tugged on my shoulder, forcing me to roll over and face him.

Looking into his eyes only made me realize how much I'd failed him—failed all of them.

A sob burst free from my chest.

"Fuck, Evie." Jenner pulled me close. "I hate seeing you like this. Talk to me. Please ."

Muffled against the fabric of his T-shirt, I said, "I got everything I wanted and don't want to seem ungrateful."

"No one would ever think that," he vowed.

"But they will," I argued. "Because instead of enjoying my beautiful babies, I can't stop thinking about how I almost let them grow up without a mother."

"Babe—"

"No." I sat up, and he let me scoot out of his hold, sensing that I needed distance in this moment. "I almost died, Jenner!" I cried, saying the words aloud for the first time.

His Adam's apple bobbed on a hard swallow. "I know."

I lifted my shirt. "And I'm always going to have this jagged scar to remind me that what was supposed to be the best day of my life was actually the worst."

Jenner opened his mouth to respond, but I didn't let him.

"It hurts to even look at Hendrix knowing how I failed him."

Slowly, my husband scooched closer, taking my hand. "How did you fail him?"

"I wasn't even conscious when he was born. My choices robbed us of what was supposed to be this memory I carried forever."

"Choices." I could see the gears turning in his head. "What choices?"

"I turned down the elective C-section offered when I was admitted. All because I wanted an experience I'd longed for for so many years. I would have still left with a scar, but I wouldn't have all these negative feelings tied to it. I would have gotten to hear his first cries, kiss his tiny face, and tell him how much I loved him. Instead, I almost bled out on an operating table."

After that final admission, I burst into tears, the emotional pain tied to that day hitting me in full force.

Jenner wasted no time in pulling me onto his lap as gently as possible to avoid hurting me. I buried my face in his neck, my sobs growing louder by the minute.

He didn't try to tell me my feelings weren't valid or that I shouldn't blame myself because everything had turned out fine in the end. He didn't point out that he hadn't been witness to Hendrix's birth, either—or Hope's, for that matter. My husband simply held me, letting me release everything I'd been holding inside for weeks.

When I finally calmed down to the point where only the occasional hiccup remained, he kissed the top of my head and said, "I think we both need to talk to someone about our PTSD from that day."

When I reared back to look at him, there wasn't a trace of judgment in his eyes. Instead, I only found empathy.

"Because I almost died?" I asked.

"No. Because we both blame ourselves for what happened."

I shook my head in disbelief. "How could you be to blame?"

"While I sat there in a state of shock waiting for news of whether you'd made it, I realized that if I'd never gotten you pregnant, none of it would have ever happened."

My jaw dropped. All this time, I'd been punishing myself, and he'd been struggling, too.

"Seeing you like that . . . " Jenner's voice broke, emotion taking over, and my heart twisted.

"Baby." I ran my hand through his hair and along his jaw, and his eyes slid closed. "I'm so sorry."

"Me, too." He banded his arms tighter around me, like if he let go, I might disappear.

Holding each other close, we made promises to work through our individual experiences of the trauma of that day, both together and with the help of a professional. Because if there was one thing we'd learned after all this time, it was that we were stronger together.