48

Judgment

Muttered voices cloud my senses, and I hate how I listen to each of them, disappointed I cannot find the one I desperately long to hear. My eyes remain shut, my head tossing from soreness in my chest.

I move my hand and someone gasps, all conversations halt.

I squint through the light as my vision clears, a group of people standing a few feet away. Scanning my surroundings, I am in a bed. Am I in a bedchamber or the healing wing?

"Tove?" a female asks with reverence.

I move toward the voice, recognizing the long brown hair and chocolate eyes staring at me, filled with tears.

Sunshine surrounds Dorit, and the rays form a halo around her as she hugs her sides. Dorit muffles her sobs, Cordelia and Ophelia doing the same. Their worried expressions and tears dampen their cheeks.

Pain tightens in my throat at their concern, seeking to comfort my friends.

Dorit breaks down, and my face falls.

A man steps up, and I recognize him. Viggo.

Ophelia, Cordelia, and Dorit all look at Viggo, who motions them to step back. He looks over, offering me the same bashful expression.

I work up a soft smile for him.

The four of them shuffle away as two more people come into view.

But my brows furrow at the sight of Jonas and King Beauvais. Jonas's arms are crossed as King Beauvais perches on the side of the bed, reaching toward me.

I try to lean away from his touch, and he notices and pauses.

"I'm here to help," he says reassuringly.

The tension and apprehensiveness relax in my system. I still feel as if words are hard to reach for in my mind, so I nod.

He touches the top of my brow, and he peers over me. Alarm has me wanting to cover my chest, but my arms don't budge. They are too worn, too weak.

King Beauvais meets my gaze, his golden eyes tinged with more yellow than an orange I remembered seeing somewhere. "I wasn't able to heal you completely, so expect a little soreness. But you will make a full recovery, Queen Tove." The King of Torgem smiles.

Heal?

A few memories rush in, gripping my heart tight as emotions pair with each one. The visible hurt in Jerrick's pale blue eyes, borrowing Ophelia's boots—Nikolaj stabbing me.

A flash of ice and frost dances across my mind as everything pieces together.

But the dread of facing Jerrick for my judgment hits me hard.

Fuck, maybe I should have stayed dead.

The door to my left swings on its hinges.

I am stunned that, of all the people in the world, I would not have expected him to come barreling in. His blond hair and high cheekbones are cut and disheveled, and his eyebrows lift when he sees me.

"Your Majesty!" Ulrik Albertsen says with what sounds like genuine relief.

He rushes in the bedchamber as Betina's father hovers in the doorway. I offer her father a polite nod, surprised the noblemen of Axidoria are freely roaming and not in a dungeon.

Ulrik rushes to my side, shooing away and waving at King Beauvais.

I glance sideways at King Beauvais, Jonas, and the others, perplexed.

Ulrik lowers to a knee and takes my hand, kissing my knuckles before he meets my gaze with worry. "Queen Tove, it brings me such joy to see you are well and are recovering." Ulrik glances to Jonas.

I arch a brow as Jonas studies Ulrik carefully before inclining his head. Ulrik faces me as Jonas's eyes land on me.

What the—

The smell of tobacco hits my senses when Ulrik shifts closer, speaking in a hushed tone. "Can you dismiss everyone except Prince Jonas? We have some business to discuss." His expression is encouraging, not one of scheming.

I eye him skeptically, even though he appears genuine. I pick at my nails in contemplation, feeling wary.

I look at the group in the room. "I'd like a moment alone with Lord Ulrik and Prince Jonas, please."

My friends bow and exit, passing by Betina's father and King Beauvais. They leave one by one, with King Beauvais stopping at the door to peer back.

"Shall I?" he asks Jonas.

Jonas stops him. "I will."

King Beauvais tilts his head to Jonas before meeting my stare with a bright smile. "I'll return to check on you later. Rest well, Queen Tove."

I touch my chest with gratitude. "Th-Thank you, King Beauvais."

"Please, call me Beau. It is what my friends call me." He beams back.

I smile at the kindness Beau offers before he closes the door behind him.

My attention remains on the door, somehow hoping—praying—desperately Jerrick would come running in as Ulrik did. But the longer I stare, the harsher my torment sets in.

He isn't coming. I lied to him, and I betrayed him.

And I am in love with him.

I'm such a stupid, stupid, fool.

I turn to Ulrik, who's still on his knee, and Jonas, who's a few feet back, wearing the face of a prince. Why is Ulrik, of all people, still here without guards or shackles around his wrists?

I swallow thickly, realizing that, without me, he is the closest person the people could have pass as a ruler in Axidoria. A horrid thought comes rushing in, one where Jerrick divorces me only to broker me in a marriage to Ulrik. That could be the only reason why I am still alive, why I am not locked away in a dungeon, or why I'm not at the torturing whims of Jerrick right now.

I swallow those dark thoughts, gathering my emotions, and brace for the impact of my world truly falling apart.

I deserve it.

Jonas steps a little closer to the two of us. "Lord Ulrik fought on our side the morning after the masquerade ball and has been very… insightful with the events of what happened after you left Axidoria. Most of the bannermen Lord Nikolaj had gathered were criminals instead of actual nobles and guardsmen."

I pinch my brows in confusion.

Jonas seems perplexed himself as he continues, "Apparently—and I am only saying this because this is still speculative in my opinion—the noblemen had agreed to fight with Lord Nikolaj because they knew he would lead them back to you."

I drift back to the night of the ball when Nikolaj had approached me with a few noblemen from Axidoria behind them, one of them being Ulrik Albertsen. He looked away quickly, and when we danced at the Celebration of Spirits, he was kind. Ulrik has always been pleasant to me, unless intoxicated, but Nikolaj said he and many other noblemen despise me and hate me.

My gaze lands on Ulrik. "I-I thought you all hated me," I state bluntly, bypassing all formalities.

Ulrik huffs a disbelieving laugh. "Hated you? How could we, Your Majesty?"

"The rumors. You all spread them."

"We never started those rumors. That was Lord Nikolaj."

Nikolaj.

A pang sears deep into the pit of my gut, a knot twisting my insides at more betrayals and lies from Nikolaj coming to a head. I glance away, tears already rising from the sting.

Deities, was I really that blind?

I blink my tears away, taking a careful breath before gazing back at him.

Ulrik takes my hand. "Your Majesty, we understood everything you were going through with your family's passing. We all tried to put our best steps forward to help you when you stepped into power. But Lord Nikolaj said you didn't need us. He was always with you, and we saw him more than you. It became difficult for everyone. And pardon me, but he was a pompous asshole in every meeting you were not a part of.

"We did not know if the decisions made were coming from you or coming from him. We were not sure how to tell you, how to approach you, because we did not want to speak treasonous thoughts against the crown. And when you appointed him as proxy, we lost hope. But then he announced your safety to the kingdom and started carrying out plans. We felt something was amiss and were biding our time, wanting to gain proof of his dealings to show you."

Filled with skepticism, I look at Jonas, and he speaks up. "We interrogated every nobleman from Axidoria, and they all had the same story."

I incline my head slowly, still unsure of Ulrik, given the information Betina had told me about his family and Nikolaj's. I want to find a way to wrap my mind around everything, even though I wish I was sleeping.

Ulrik nods, still holding my hand as he clarifies. "If it wasn't for King Jerrick vouching for us, I don't think any of us would be here."

Jerrick.

My soul fractures, emotions clogging my throat. "That was…" I hesitate, the thickness of emotion building more. "That was kind of him."

"It was," Ulrik agrees. "Your Majesty, I am so sorry we failed you. Please accept my sincerest apologies for not pushing hard enough to help you. And please extend that apology again to King Jerrick. We did not want to fight either and tried to contain as much of it as we could. And I am more than happy to discuss future imports and trades as soon as you are recovered."

Overwhelmed with this information, I'm still unsure of what to trust, what to believe. Not to mention I doubt I will ever have a chance to speak to Jerrick. But I need to get to the bottom of my own demise and figure out the best plan to help my people when I am truly gone.

All I can manage is squeezing Ulrik's hand.

Removing my indifference, I offer him a glimmer of me and not live up to the rumors Nikolaj spread. "Thank you, Lord Ulrik. I appreciate your kind words. Please extend my gratitude to the noblemen for me. I'd truly love to have a full meeting with all of you to discuss and make better arrangements for Axidoria—"

I stop, unsure of if I am still the Queen of Palaena.

Ulrik kisses my knuckles once more before rising. "Is there anything the noblemen can do for you?"

I think momentarily, looking at Jonas. Regardless if he hates me, I still would trust him more than anyone to run my kingdom. And with a divorce inevitably coming or my impending death, I still have faith he would see my wishes through.

"Please keep Prince Jonas updated with everything," I decide.

Ulrik nods to leave, but before he can, my own misgivings have me reaching for his tunic, halting him and drawing his attention back to me. "Should anything—and I repeat, anything—go amiss while I am recovering, you and all the persons responsible will be dealing with me. Personally. Am I understood?"

Ulrik's eyes widen at the menace in my tone, but it vanishes as he nods again, more earnest than before.

I release my grip on his tunic. "Good. Now, if you don't mind, I need to speak with the prince."

The lord bows without another word, leaving me alone with Jonas. The silence is awkward as we stare at the other. I am unsure of what to say, what to ask, and what to do.

Jonas releases a long sigh, uncrossing his hands to scratch the back of his head.

I rush to blurt out my apologies.

"I'm so sorry—"

"I'm sorry—"

I sheepishly curve my shoulders inward as my cheeks heat with embarrassment. Jonas tightens his lip and gestures for me to speak first.

My skin is hot and clammy, my betrayal hangs heavy between us, making my emotions thick in my throat. I swallow the bile threatening to force its way up as I beg for forgiveness I know I will never get and will never deserve.

"There are not enough apologies in the world to say to Jerrick and you, Jonas. I am sorry I lied. I am sorry I dragged everyone into this mess. And once I am deemed well, I am more than willing to accept my judgment and execution or allow Palaena to dictate the terms through the divorce process and discussions of trade and borders. I am willing to redefine Axidoria's borders and anything Palaena needs to atone for my actions," I say through shaky breaths.

"Execution? Divorce?" Jonas asks, brows furrowed.

I nod as tears line my vision.

Stupid tears.

"I completely understand coordinating one or both because of what I did, what my kingdom did," I tell him.

Jonas shakes his head, sighing. "Tove, why are you thinking about any of that?"

My lip quivers as more tears fall. The pain in my chest tightens as I fight to keep my emotions at bay.

"I-I assumed—"

Jonas steps up and lowers to a knee, reaching for my hand. His stoic features have softened, drawing forth the enthusiastic and patient Jonas I've come to know and admire.

"Tove, we don't care about any of that. We only care about you and making sure you're alright," Jonas says, scooting closer.

"But—" I break off, disbelieving his compassion and care for me. "After everything I did? You should care. You all should care. I should be executed or shipped off to Axidoria and away from you all."

Jonas's brows pinch, shaking his head softly. "I heard everything, Tove. Well, almost everything."

I do not know everything he refers to, but Jonas continues, "Beau found me first, told me you went off to the throne room and that he was going to find Jerrick. I stormed off to find you and help you, but when I neared the throne room, I heard conversation instead of fighting, and I listened." He sighs and looks away. "I should have found Jerrick and brought him and a group of men sooner."

"You couldn't have known what he had planned. I didn't even know," I force through a breathless sob.

He turns back to me, eyes filled with tears. "I know you didn't, Tove."

We squeeze each other's hand. I look up at the ceiling, trying to work through my blurred vision as I struggle to not ask the one question I need an answer to.

I can't hold it in any longer.

"Is Jer—" My courage wavers.

Jonas takes a long breath. "He's—he's in bad shape."

Alarm scatters up my spine. "Wh-What? What happened? What's wrong?"

Jonas closes his eyes. "H-H-He—" He pauses, seeming lost for words.

I refuse to believe something happened to him. "Where is my husband?"

He can hate me and want me dead, but that won't stop me from making sure he is okay.

I move, but Jonas halts me and tries to reassure me. "He's here. He's here."

It does nothing to comfort me. He did not say Jerrick was okay. I need to know he is alright.

Jonas gulps slowly. "He's watched you almost die, Tove. Multiple times. And while Beau helped heal you, you weren't waking up—" Jonas wipes his eyes, sniffing. "Jerrick was inconsolable. We moved you to rest and wake up, but he just… left. He locked himself in his room."

"Has anyone told him I am awake?"

Jonas shakes his head. "He said he only wanted to hear news from me."

I slump, muddling through Jonas's words.

Jerrick is inconsolable because I betrayed him. And he wasted all this time helping me and saving me multiple times, only for me to break his trust and everything we built and throw it in his face. And even if Jonas cares about my well-being, it does not mean Jerrick does.

Jerrick has every right to execute me or divorce me, and only he will be able to make that decision. The only way a choice can be made is if I see him and ask for his judgment myself.

I look at Jonas, setting my eyes in determination, no matter how much I am dying on the inside all over again, this could be my last chance to see Jerrick.

"Take me to him," I order.

"I can go get him and bring him here."

I wave him off and roll on my side, hoisting myself up. "No, I need to do this. He has done too much for me. The least I can do is go to him."

Jonas offers me his hand.

I take a hold of it, indebted to him and his help, and nudge my head toward my vanity. "Help me with my dress robe?"

"Wait here."

He grabs my long blue silk dress robe, opening the sides to help ease my arms into it. I have a white undergarment on, but the robe is enough to cover me without too much effort of clothing beyond that.

Jonas helps wrap the lace around me, tightening the tie at my waist before lifting my hair from underneath. He smooths my locks as I look up, catching my appearance in my mirror.

My skin is pale and slightly discolored, my cheeks sunken from the lack of food. I linger on my eyes, taking myself in and not hearing cracking noises. I don't see Runa's reflection staring back, and I don't see a monster thrashing to escape.

I see me.

I see a broken person, but that broken person is me.

It's okay not to be okay, Jerrick's voice whispers in my mind, and my features scrunch up, his words settling into my bones as I wipe my tears away from my cheeks and smile at my own reflection.

When I am ready, Jonas holds my hand and supports me. I lean into him as I seek out my husband.