34

Triggered

"Wh-What?" I stutter in disbelief.

Fury and jealousy flare in Niko's eyes as tears coat both our cheeks.

"It's a simple question, Tove," he snarls.

I blanch from his toneless reaction. I haven't seen Niko this mad.

Ever.

I hesitate underneath his scornful rage, barely able to stutter out, "N-No. Absolutely not."

"So, I am supposed to believe you've changed your mind about everything because you feel sorry for him?"

"Yes," I tell him sharply, hating that he is making this about Jerrick more than about me not wanting to hurt anyone.

Niko's laugh is bitter, still doubting me. His body fills the frame of my mother's mirror, the rage inside of him escalating.

"You're quick to forgive a man who lied to you, kidnapped you, and forced you into a marriage?"

"I forgave a man who shot me with an arrow!"

I clamp my mouth shut.

Hurt flashes across Niko's features as he flinches. Niko masks the pain while he tosses his arms into the air, growling in frustration.

"Don't you get it, Tove? That man isn't going to let you return home. There is a marriage decree that binds you to him, and he is not going to agree to a divorce. Calling the banners and killing him is the only way you will get to leave that place. It's the only way for us to be together." Niko curses in disgust, refusing to stand down.

"You aren't going to kill him," I command, desperate for him to listen.

Niko wants to fight, but I can't watch another confrontation between him and Jerrick.

My new plan will work. It must.

I keep my anger caged, containing my fearful thoughts at bay as Niko's cold, menacing gaze meets mine.

His jaw tics as he leans in close to the mirror, showing no hint of any other emotion aside from pure unfiltered rage.

"Yes, I am," he states, stepping back.

Panic explodes when he disappears from the reflection. I don't hear the door opening, so I raise my voice.

"As your queen, I command you to stand down!"

The door slams hard from the opposite end of the reflection, and a few things on my old vanity in Axidoria shake from the abrasiveness of Niko's exit.

Terrors sets in.

Niko is too far down this path of revenge.

Fear creeps in.

I've ruined my relationship with Niko before I even had a chance to experience it.

A door opening again startles me, Dorit entering in greeting. I clutch my mother's mirror to my chest, my lip quivering from heartbreak and stress sinking deep into my bones. Fighting the tears away is no use because Dorit notices and rushes to my side.

"What's wrong?"

Her sweet, perfectionist heart is desperate to fix everything.

Wiping away the tears, I sniff twice, careful to keep my mirror close so the connection to Axidoria is not visible.

"It's nothing, just—just nightmares," I lie, the half truth I rely on easing everything consuming me.

Her sympathetic touch is a blade plunging into my heart. "Would you like me to stay?" she asks, knowing company helps me immensely when my nightmares are bad.

I haven't had many night terrors haunting me lately, but they certainly are following me while I am awake. The soft circle she runs around my shoulder is comforting, but I dismiss it.

I don't deserve it.

"I'll be alright. I'm just stressed. Thank you, though," I say.

She regards me warily, skepticism etched in her features as she stands. "If you say so. I'm going to empty your chamber pot, then. Let me know if you need anything though, alright?"

"I will," I sigh, watching her go into my privy to take the chamber pot and replace it with a fresh one.

She reaches the door and pauses before turning to me. "I hope your dreams are sweeter."

"I hope yours are, too, Dorit."

Her brown eyes light up as she closes the door.

Moments pass before I collapse onto my mattress, embraced in the soft linen sheets. They are light and weightless, designed to accommodate the hot summer nights.

I still clutch my mother's mirror, holding it as I stare into the blank ceiling of my chambers, a hole burning in my chest. The burn is not comforting or filled with lust or desire.

It is frigid, abrasive, and harsh—meant to swallow me whole.

It even snuffs out my magic, smothering it away and forcing me to feel this sting of pain.

My vision blurs as tears trickle down my cheeks. The panic, the fear, the loss, and the guilt send me spiraling.

When I lift the mirror, no one is on the opposite end.

No Niko. No Betina.

I run my hand in a circle to sever the connection, and I am met with my own reflection. The monster I am stares back, thrashing against the hopelessness in my features. A mask patiently molds itself to my entire being.

Placing the mirror on the nightstand, I look into the darkened night. The lack of stars shining in the sky brings a void to this evening.

Once again, I am reminded of not having a family, and I've ruined any relationship with anyone who has offered me kindness.

I wrap my arms around my pillow, holding it close to my heart and cheeks. It is barely enough to dry my face as I heave and tremor through each sob. I muffle my exhausted screams with the cushion, but it does nothing to reduce the sting.

I clutch my pillow tighter as the grief, terror, and failure I can never seem to escape grows larger, dragging me into darkness worse than Oblivion.