28

Wine and Confessions

The memory of Jerrick's low laugh strums again in my mind, bringing me faint joy as the sound of liquid pouring into a cup drags me from the book I've barely focused on for the last hour.

Dorit regards me with concern. "I hope that face is for the wine I poured you. It is one of the first we received from your kingdom."

I sit up, gently placing my current book to the side. "Oh, Sweet Makers, I love you."

I reach for the glass, and a small burn hits the back of my throat as I drain the dark-red wine from the goblet. When its contents are empty, I place it on the wooden table with a huge grin.

"I've missed our wine."

Dorit rolls her eyes but fills my cup again. "Rude you couldn't wait for me."

Before I can bring the cup to my lips, she grabs it, wiggling her eyebrows mischievously as she takes a long gulp.

She lowers the glass and says, "I see why you couldn't wait." Her voice drops to a hushed whisper. "Don't tell Jonas we tried it without him."

We snicker through each glass, taking a break from the books I read today and catching up on the castle and village news.

Dorit is mid-sentence in telling me the run-in she had with a friend of hers when she loses her balance and falls a fraction away from one of the lounge chairs. Her eyes widen when her ass lands hard on the floor, and I can't help the burst of laughter escaping me.

Tears of joy line my vision as she joins in.

I move to help her up. "I think we may have had too much to drink." I giggle like a young child.

A small hiccup escapes Dorit, and that's how I know she is a goner. If my head is swimming, surely, hers is as well.

There is a reason Axidoria's wine is so coveted in each kingdom. We make it stronger than others, reducing the need to drink much to have a good time.

She sways as I hold on to her sides, making sure she doesn't collapse again. "Come on, let's get you to my room," I say as her weight shifts on me.

"Shh!" She slurs slightly. "We can't tell anyone."

A hiccupped giggle escapes as I reach for the empty cup in her hand, holding her tighter as I place it on the table. She stumbles over herself, causing me to lose my balance.

We both fall to the floor, unable to keep the laughter at bay.

A cough from behind gives me pause.

I turn to meet Jonas and Jerrick's gazes, and my heart stops.

Jerrick's tall frame is relaxed as he leans against one of the bookshelves, looking at me. His hair is tied half-back, his light tunic bright in contrast to the dark vest matching his leather trousers with his sword and dagger strapped in place.

Jonas has his arms crossed, shaking his head in disappointment.

Dorit laughs hysterically.

I suppress my laugh and stand, Jerrick's eyes tracing up and down my body. I mimic his movements, scanning him head to toe for any changes, any injuries, and find relief in seeing him whole.

"We were supposed to wait and try the wine together, Dorit!" Jonas scolds, stepping in to help.

I break my stare from Jerrick to help Jonas.

Dorit lifts an arm around his shoulder as he pulls her upright and gives me a knowing look.

"You just couldn't wait, could you?" He clicks his tongue. "I've got her from here. Try to get some sleep tonight, Tove."

I extend my thanks to Jonas as the two of them lurch out of the library. My attention remains on the door for a few moments before braving another glance at Jerrick.

When I meet his eyes again, his softened expression makes my heart swell and return it in kind.

"Hello there, Frostbite," he purrs.

I swallow down the lump in my throat at the nickname reserved for me.

Taking a tentative step forward, I offer a small wave through my squeaky reply.

"Hi."

He gestures to the door Jonas and Dorit left mere seconds ago. "Are you returning to your chambers for the night?"

I offer him a tight smile, afraid the wine has loosened my tongue.

"Would you like an escort?" he asks, extending his elbow.

I shuffle to him without a response, and I wrap my arm around his as we leave the library.

We maintain our companionable silence as we walk through the castle.

Staff members close the windows, light the lanterns, and tidy the rooms. Each of them acknowledges us, a kind smile offered to me and a curt dip of the head toward their king.

Our steps are slow and quiet while we take in the night blanketing itself over our residence.

But with Jerrick's hair freshly washed, his soap lingers in the air along with the smell of leather and whiskey. And it's… distracting.

"How about that report?"

Jerrick's smooth voice fills the dimmed corridor.

The playfulness in his tone buzzes in my ears.

We approach a set of stairs as I recall the last few books I scoured through. "I read on Aiyana, comparing a lot of the ancestors that inherited nature gifts, better understanding the connection you made regarding meditation, magic, and emotion."

Jerrick hums in approval of my findings, his elbow tightening a little more as we step into a narrow stairway, our bodies inching closer.

I'm eager to share my improvements with my magic with him, but nerves ravage my body, worried at what he might think. I squeeze his arm after the first couple sets of stairs, using him for support to push through the climb up. As I toss the idea of showing him my progress again, his tall frame looms over me, reminding me he could be farther up without me and dragging me along.

Yet his steps choose to match mine.

The notion sends heat to my cheeks and other places.

"Did you research anything else?" he asks, hopeful of a breakthrough.

I want to pause on the stairs to hold his stare and assure him I made a breakthrough regarding his curse. But I keep stepping up each stair in tandem with Jerrick's.

The guilt of letting him down and not reading much about it while he was hunting gnaws at me. And yet I still strum up another lie.

"I did," I start.

He finishes my thought. "Still nothing?"

I nod quietly, his disappointment seeping into my bones.

There are hundreds of texts to still scan through about the Deity of Illusion and curses. Even through my lies and everything we've read, the lack of any information, any breadcrumbs, tells me something is missing.

I've been muddling with that knowledge for a while, tempted to suggest we return to Axidoria and visit my kingdom's archives for research on his curse. I have been wanting answers about my family and practicing my magic at home, but I also considered how going to Axidoria could be beneficial for Jerrick, too.

Thoughts of home remind me of the guilt keeping me awake most nights, hating how I left things with Niko and Betina along with the lies I have built here.

My guilty conscience pushes me to make the suggestion. "We could go to Axidoria."

He gives me a suspicious glance when we reach the top of the stairs. Even as we stroll down the wing leading to my bedchamber, Jerrick remains silent.

I blurt, "We can review the texts there, and maybe something of my mother's might help us. And we could try to search for clues about what happened to my father. Or if not, I could send word requesting to have some texts sent over with the next transfer of resources. I am sure if I asked, Niko would grant us that."

From the corner of my eye, Jerrick's jaw works while he stiffens at the mention of Niko. Cooling his features, he relaxes into the cocky mantle of king he wears before he offers me a response.

"I'll take it into consideration."

I nod in understanding. Deep down, I hoped he would have jumped at the offer, but I find myself disappointed and feel as if he does not trust me.

He has every right to not trust you, Tove.

The thought stings against my soul, and I remain quiet the rest of the walk. I stop first, and my arm slowly releases from Jerrick's as I turn for my chambers.

He folds his hand over mine, giving me pause. Our eyes lock, and he smiles softly.

"I think this is the first time I've walked you to your chambers."

I'm surprised at the comment, and smile in return. "It is."

Thinking back to the times we have walked around the castle together, the only time I can recall walking to a bedchamber was on our wedding night. Although that was to his rooms and not mine.

The memory of that night fades my smile. As if he, too, has the same thought, his expression dims, releasing my hand and lowering in a small bow.

"Good night, Frostbite."

His voice is flat as he pivots and hurries back down the hall.

I whisper after him into the night, "Good night, Jerrick."

I fidget through fastening the latch, pressing my forehead against the door and inhaling deeply. The light scent of oak issues from the wood as I savor each breath.

The flicker of frost within me perks at my increased heartbeat. I try to simmer it into idleness with positive thoughts and even breathing. My heart rate slows as I harness everything I'm feeling.

Balancing emotions is key.

I remove my boots, digging into the heel of one to push it out and repeating the same action with the other. I still feel the light effects of the wine Dorit and I drank earlier, but it isn't going to keep me from trying to contact Betina and Niko.

I need them both to help me through my torment.

The kernel of power quiets as I undress, and I opt for a lighter nightgown and a blue silk robe.

My hair stays fastened in the plaited crown as I sit on my bed, reaching for my mother's mirror.

I pause momentarily, taking in my reflection and noting a brightness in my eyes. For once, I linger on my features, admiring the glow in my blue irises. I take in every inch, not looking to peel myself apart.

But I break away from the distraction, rubbing the mirror three times and opening the line to Axidoria, hoping and praying I can have them both on my side.

Tears surface when Betina's youthful features come into blurry view. Her rich skin is tanned, and my heart leaps that she is not locked away in my chambers all day and is absorbing the spring sun's rays as often as she can.

I was upset the last time I saw her, but my heart still fractures knowing I left them without any explanation.

She runs to the mirror on her end, gasping in joy. "Tove!"

Through my blurry vision, I laugh with relief at my dearest friend's reaction. "Betina."

Her joy is infectious, and I imagine her arms wrapping around me, encasing me with her scent of nutmeg and cloves.

My cheeks hurt from grinning at the scent that is home.

"I don't know whether to scream at you or hear you out," she starts, readying to scold me.

Her lips fold into themselves, and I know she wants to refrain from lecturing me, her queen, but also reprimanding her friend.

My glee is gone, replaced with a grimace as pain etches in her features. "I know. I know."

Her eyes peer into mine, and I can't stop wiping away the dampness on my cheeks.

"Tove," Betina starts with a long sigh, drawing my attention to her softened gaze, "we were so worried the last time you reached out. And you did not get to show Niko your magic."

I turn away, glancing out the window. "I was upset and scared," I admit.

"Why?" Betina tilts her head with worry. "You were so happy when you said my name, but you changed before my very eyes the more you spoke to us."

I give her a knowing look, and her mouth falls in surprise.

"Don't even think that. You have no idea how badly Niko fell apart when you severed the connection. He is worried about you. He misses you. And he wants you to be here with him."

A hint of frustration is etched in her tone. The doubt from her words does nothing to make me feel better.

"He broke down?"

"Yes, Tove. Of course he broke down. Niko has been coming in every day, trying to count down how many days he has left until he gets to see you again."

My stomach flips, and my heart surges. I rub my chest as my lip wobbles, still unsure what to believe.

"He—he does?"

"Yes, Tove. Every day," Betina says again. "He has had no one to confide in with while you've been gone. Niko rants and complains every time he receives letters from Palaena. And even though he is happy to see your name on those, most days, his determination and jealousy get the better of him. It is tearing him apart to be separated from you."

I resign at Betina's words, a pain in my throat making it hard to even speak.

I know Niko is determined and jealous—I've seen bits of it when we have spoken. And to take away his brief glimpse of happiness the other day builds regret in my bones.

"Oh Deities, I am awful." I cover my face.

"No, you are not awful. What is awful is that he complains to me. Every day," she says. "Do you know how annoying that is?"

I half laugh, lowering my hands to look back.

A half smile forms through her pain-stricken eyes.

"He misses you so much. It's physically painful to see. Niko has been throwing himself into training every man as well as himself from sunrise to sunset. He loves you so much."

Her voice turns grave, and tears sting my eyes.

"He is so excited to see you, but he was stricken with anxiety last time. I told him I would smooth things over with you the next time we heard from you and give you two a chance to speak alone next time. And don't think I do not know how much you are missing him, too. I know you are as stressed as he is."

I crumple underneath her gaze, my resolve to keep everything together breaking apart at the seams.

"I'm sorry, Betina," I cry out. "It hurt to see him so happy and not be there for him. But what really hurts is that I am not getting the answers I need or improving fast enough with my gifts. I want to return home, but I also don't want there to be a battle. I just want to help everyone."

Her gaze softens. "I know, Tove. You've said that from the beginning."

"But I don't want to leave without knowing what happened to my family and how to break Jerrick's curse. Everything feels as if it is my fault, and I want to fix everything, but I keep coming up short."

Silence fills the air as my chest rattles from my confession.

I care about the well-being of Palaena as much as I do for Axidoria. The addition of duty and responsibility grows the more I seek to make amends and find closure.

"I want to ask for help and show Niko my progress," I rasp. "But I am so terrified of failing everyone and not removing this winter that I will regress deeper into the monster that I am."

I brush the tears away as they cascade my cheeks.

She holds my gaze through her own remorse as I sniff through my congestion, gathering myself.

"I miss you both so much. And I am sorry I withdrew from you two. You both are important to me. I don't want to let either of you down," I finish.

"You are not a monster, Tove."

I am quick to dismiss her words, no one understanding my true torment. "I'm at least a monster for complaining to you."

Betina chuckles under her breath. I lift at her amusement even as her seriousness returns, her lips tightening before she speaks.

"I have never—nor will I ever—view you as a monster. You are my best friend, and I will always prefer to hear your complaints over anyone else's. Always."

Her empathy and friendship leave my lip quivering, I truly am undeserving of her. "Even complaints that leave me feeling confused and frustrated?"

"Even then," Betina promises. "I will always stand behind you." Betina dips into a low curtsy.

The gratitude and love I have for her makes the tears more difficult to fight. I bite my lip as she remains lowered, sniveling through my emotions for the purest of souls the Makers have blessed to keep in my life.

Betina takes everything I am in stride, even when I make her angry. Her loyalty to me not only as her queen but as a friend is overwhelming and powerful in its own way.

Braving through myself, Betina rises, and her chestnut-brown eyes find me once more, and a small dose of life behind them gives me hope.

We smile at each other.

Betina leans close to the mirror. "Now, tell me everything."