27

Wavering

Jperrick refused to let me roam beyond my chambers, claiming he did not want to witness me fainting again from my cycle. He brought me food trays every morning, stacked high with pastries, courtesy of Ophelia and Cordelia. He also ensured Dorit and Jonas checked on us periodically, visiting while helping bring and take books Jerrick requested while I rested.

And as annoying and embarrassing as his teasing was, I could not complain.

But when I fell asleep while reading on the second day, Jerrick tossed a pastry at my face. It startled me awake, and his laughter roared throughout the room.

I couldn't even stay mad at him, my heart thawing at the sight and sound of him.

The richness and elegance of his laughter while tracking my breath is a tingling taunt.

I pinch my features tight, concentrating on understanding the magic begging to escape. Crackling and air drift in a flurry around my mind, wanting to drag me away.

I twitch from the sound, seeking mercy for myself only to struggle.

Hands hold mine, and Jerrick's breath hovers near me. "Kindness, Frostbite."

My gift flickers in response to Jerrick's voice, soothing and sweet. I bite back my smile, fighting against the surge of desire spreading in my stomach from his touch.

I square my shoulders, coaxing and caressing the ice in my body to nurture it and harness the blizzard into a morsel of snow. The depth of power pulses around me, and creaks and cracks swirl.

I push through the disarray clouding my mind, which wishes to accept myself.

The magic eases as I drift back into my breathing.

My faith in succeeding today draws my eyes open, but when he pulls away, there is nothing. Disappointment lines my brows as I lower my hand in defeat.

Jerrick touches my upper arm. "Almost," he chimes.

Almost is not good enough.

Jerrick offered me this small lesson, and I have made no improvements without his assistance.

I fold into myself, frustrated with the lack of progress.

Jerrick gathers a few books from a pile we have not touched this week, and when he turns to me, he shifts around uncomfortably. He seems beside himself, even as he approaches my bed, placing them on my table. He angles them toward me, and I read the titles.

The texts catch me off guard. Looking up at him in question, I am thrown off when he squats next to me.

Jerrick peels my hand from my torso, his comforting circles grazing over my knuckles as he inclines his head to the books. "These are what Palaena has on Aiyana. There are some of my ancestor's journals as well that aided me when I was learning my gifts. I thought they would help you."

"Wh-Why are you giving me these? We have not found anything regarding your curse."

"You've been earning your right." He smirks.

I don't understand what I did to warrant this change of mind. "What, with all the food trays?" I joke, knowing he originally said I had to help break his curse in order to train.

Jerrick chuckles lightly. "It could have been that."

I roll my eyes, absentmindedly running my thumb along his hand.

Jerrick tracks the movement, the rise and fall of his chest easy and relaxed. "I am setting out today, so I thought pairing some exciting reads with the curse reads could lighten your spirits," he says lightly.

Maybe in reading these texts, I can find something useful to practice while Jerrick is away. Strengthening my resolve is vital if I want to save my kingdom, and a fluttering in my chest responds to the challenge.

But a pang of sadness at his absence suddenly dampens my mood.

"Y-You're going hunting?" He silently bobs his head, avoiding my gaze but still holding my hand. "You'll read more than the Aiyana texts I gave you, right?"

"Yes."

The lie slips easily from my mouth, the need to read these texts more important than another boring book.

He smiles with gratitude, lifting my hand to kiss it, and instant regret forms a tight pain in the back of my throat.

I cough, masking away my own grimace and smile gently.

Lacing my fingers together tightly, I remain steadfast in my goals. If I can master the smallest of magic, I can finally train.

Jerrick releases my hand and stands, debating whether he should leave.

Knowing he needs to hunt just as I need to read these texts, I reassure him, the corners of my lips lifting. "I will do my best to give you a report when you return."

His blue eyes lined with amusement meet mine. "I'll return soon."

Jerrick takes a long breath into his formal goodbye, an unnecessary gesture, given we are both royalty, but it is chivalrous and sweet, something I linger on longer than I expect.

And in the days following Jerrick's departure, I couldn't stop thinking about him. Guilt at lying to him and the knowledge of reading from Aiyana's texts took turns with his noticeable distance.

With being on the mend from my cycle, I returned to the library.

Dorit accompanies me each day, but the days drag by, disappointment slackening my body every time I enter the library and Jerrick has still not returned. Dorit and Jonas provide excellent company, but I crave the routine Jerrick and I share more.

I read my preferred texts over his other stacks of books, practicing each time I am left alone for brief durations throughout the day. And each night ticks, sleepless and filled with meditation.

But joy has me jumping out of bed at the manifestation of a snowflake in the center of my palm.

I bounce around my room, almost hurrying down the hall to find Jerrick.

But I am reminded he still has not returned, and my triumph dies a little bit, knowing he isn't here to witness it. I want to shove it in his face and brag that I can do it on my own, just to see if he would tease or praise me.

But in his absence, I turn to my mother's mirror.

I impatiently wait for Betina and Niko's presence, the vision of my rooms barely visible when my squeal escapes. "Betina! Look!" I beam with pride at my magic, my palm still cupping the snow.

Betina flicks up from the bed, shock and sleep swept away as she rushes toward the vanity. "Tove!" She breathes in awe.

I grin, giggling in bliss. I've mastered this!

I lock gazes with Betina, and the two of us are teary eyed. Missing home hits like a wave as I take her in, disbelieving that I did this.

"You're training. Does that mean the king's curse is broken?" Betina asks.

"No," I admit, my gaze trickling back down to my palm.

Magic radiates toward my hand, a steady stream of frost seeping under the surface of my skin. It is breathtaking the longer I gaze at it, my heart leaping out of my chest when Niko bursts through the door.

"Betina, you'll never believe it!" he rejoices, running toward her and embracing her tightly.

The wonderment and joy drains from my face at the sight. A void of betrayal stings and tightens my stomach.

The frost in my hand vanishes, the flow of power obliterated without a second thought.

Longing to be the one Niko holds turns my blood cold and my heart heavy.

Niko opens his eyes, finding me across the mirror with surprise. "Tove!" he exclaims, releasing Betina and hurrying toward me.

I dismiss the pleasantries, and Niko's demeanor shifts.

He gazes back at Betina, who tugs her arm. Niko's amber eyes find mine.

"It isn't what it looks like, Tee," Niko explains. "I've just received news, is all."

Betina raises her hands in surrender when I dart to her. My trust wavers as I study the two of them, unsure of my own feelings about what I witnessed. Betina's brows pinch with concern as I direct my attention back to Niko.

"What news did you receive so late into the night?" I ask, hiding my hands.

His fear remains in the back of my mind from the last time he saw my powers manifest, and part of me believes he would shrink away again should I show him.

"I received word of extra shipments of clothing and weaponry," Niko says.

I nod silently, and Niko arches a brow. "Tee, don't you get it? We are so close!"

A small tug of my lip lifts at that, the plan still happening in Niko's mind. I do not want to dampen his spirits now, seeing as this is one of the few occurrences he's not mad or jealous.

"We are, Niko," I reply.

Betina scowls at Niko as she steps up, directing her question to me. "We have not heard from you in a while. What news do you bring?"

She tilts her head at Niko, a signal for me to share my news.

The longing to show him is squished, and my only intention is to explain everything else. "I've been away due to my cycle, but there have been developments regarding my father's disappearance and the upcoming celebrations."

Shock flashes in Niko's eyes, and curiosity draws his next question. "What have you found out?"

"Well, that's the thing. I haven't found any proof of Palaena's involvement with my father."

Betina moves to speak, but Niko interrupts her. "No, not that Tove. What has developed with the ball? Is there a day set yet? When will invitations be sent out? We need to discuss the next steps for battle. I think the following morning will be the best plan for attack."

The next steps…

Sweet Makers, has my time already run out?

Panic laces around my body, and I try to grant myself more time. "I don't have that information yet," I lie, my fears drawing forth my cowardice.

I am not ready for the next step; I have barely navigated meditation. My progress is moving slower than I can afford.

Worry over the inability to save my kingdom after all this pinches in the back of my throat as nausea churns deep in the pit of my stomach.

I scrub my hand over my face as regret grows.

"Tove," Betina starts, concern lacing her voice, "are you well?"

What a loaded question.

Still, I stumble over my words. "I-I need to go. I-I'm—"

My gaze finds Niko's, his eyes so full of hope and love. It kills me to leave them like this, but I run my hand over the mirror.

Niko yells, "Tov—"

My old bedroom vanishes from the mirror.

My reflection, sad and distraught as it may be, stares right back. I've avoided myself for so long, yet inspecting myself, I see a liar, a failure, and a monster.

Tears fall onto the mirror. I hunch over, gripping it tightly.

The intention to fight has been Niko's motivation, whereas mine has been for so much more.

I haven't even scratched the surface of my gifts.

My entire time here has been to save my kingdom and find answers, yet I could not bear to see the disappointment on Niko's face when I denied him news of our plan and future reunion.

Am I being selfish in wanting to find answers and controlling my abilities first?

Anguish wracks through my body, and I close my eyes, clutching Mother's mirror tight to my chest as tears seep down my cheeks. It strains against my muscles, even as I roll to my side and draw my knees to my chest.

I need to do better.

I need to be better.

Moments of my past, my present, and the possible future weave together in a mixed melody. Some of the chords are seamless and complementing, while others are brittle and searing to hear.

I hone in on the rise and fall of my chest, tracking my breaths and slowly relaxing my body.

And when my mind wanders again, it goes back to Jerrick.

His lush laugh, his flirtatious taunts, and the knowledge he has of his kingdom and his magic.

I nuzzle into my pillow, disappointed it's not his hard chest I mistook for a cushion so long ago. Sleep pulls me away from wondering what Jerrick would have done at seeing my snow manifested on my own today.