19

Reason or Excuse?

The beauty of Palaena's castle is astounding and different from Axidoria's. Each floor stretches to entertainment wings, the royal library, study rooms, eating halls, and sleeping chambers. With its multiple levels, one would think that the decoration would alter. Instead, it remains unwavering throughout the entire estate.

Gilded framed portraits line many of the walls, varying from ancestor paintings to art depictions of creatures, forests, and life. They are paired with tall arched windows that are curved to a point, surrounded by black, red, and gold woven by the hanging chandeliers and lanterns.

While I knew there was more to explore, I lingered longest near the training arena, near the kitchens to chat with Ophelia and Cordelia, and near the courtyard to take in its beauty once more.

Dorit drags me to my meeting with Jonas and Jerrick in earnest, as if she does not wish for me to roam alone or converse with the castle's staff.

While I would like to learn names and familiarize myself with their faces, I stop my intentions abruptly, remembering I do not intend to remain here. I keep my resolve tight in my chest, only to lose all sense of it completely when Dorit and I drift down the study wing, catching sight of Jerrick at the opposite end.

His blue eyes seem dark and distant. But they flare when they meet mine, the same rigidness he had from our wedding night evident in his entire demeanor.

My skin turns cold underneath his stare, fear gripping me like a vise, and I pull Dorit to stay in place. My heartbeat thrums in my ears while the walls close in around me.

Darkness and hatred roll off Jerrick in waves, confusion furrowing my brows over what is wrong with him.

Jonas tentatively touches his brother's elbow.

Jerrick jerks away and snarls, Jonas flinching as Jerrick scowls back at Dorit and me, promptly leaving without any word.

I spare a glance at my lady-in-waiting, shock in her eyes as Jonas runs a hand through his hair, turning back to face us.

The rage from the King of Palaena still feels thick in the room, and whatever I just witnessed means getting Jerrick to help train my magic is going to be more difficult than I anticipated.

Nausea rolls in my stomach while I try to suppress defeat.

"Give him some time." Jonas smiles tightly.

"He can take all the time he needs. I much prefer your company," I retort as Dorit leaves us with a bow.

A hint of approval is evident in Jonas's grin as the two of us enter a study hall to discuss the future of our two kingdoms as they merge into one. Jonas pours me a glass of wine, while I take in the map of Draymenk stretched out on a long wooden table.

I've debated and planned out most of my excuses, compiling compromises that will not let the joining happen faster than I can control. I cling to a mask of lies, striving to build trust and appear willing in these negotiations, knowing it will be arduous and tiring.

"Here you are," Jonas says, handing me the wine.

I take a sip and seek the courage it will give me to function through meetings. But it is bitter and dry, nothing in comparison to the sweet wine from home. My features scrunch as I swallow the burning liquid.

Jonas studies me through his glass, unfazed by the harsh drink. He places it down as he takes a seat, jumping straight into business.

"Axidoria does have a few resources to offer, but your trade with other kingdoms and the routes your kingdom has maintained for so long are what really interest us," Jonas says, and I nod.

He continues, "We already have sent word to the other kingdoms explaining the situation, along with notifying them of the union between you and my brother. We also mentioned hosting a meeting regarding territories when the warmer seasons grant every kingdom safe passage to travel."

I relax slightly at the mention of other kingdoms being involved around the time Niko seeks to fight. The information is mercifully granting me time.

"I think it is wise to host a meeting for the merging, but I also know King Bernard will not believe everything simply from a letter."

Excitement dances in Jonas's brown eyes as he chuckles, lacing his fingers together. "Oh, I know he does not. Which is why I want us to throw a masquerade to celebrate your marriage and then host a meeting with the others."

I cannot interpret if it is for the celebration or the meeting, but I ask, "And what does the king think?"

My brother-in-law reclines in his chair, sighing. "He agreed to them all before he left."

"And why did he leave?"

Jonas shrugs dismissively. "He had other duties to attend to."

The words are short and evasive. It does nothing to ease my suspicions of Palaena and their intentions.

I plaster a light smile on my face. "I will need to write home after each of these meetings to alert my advisor, who is acting as our current proxy, of what we intend to do. We will also need to visit Axidoria."

Jonas claps, startling me. "That gives me another idea!" He wiggles his eyebrows with delight as he says, "We can host two celebrations! One here in Palaena and one in Axidoria, where the people from both kingdoms can attend both celebrations to create and strengthen the unification!"

The prince's brown eyes twinkle, his pure joy infectious.

I want to smile along with him, and I do, knowing this grants Niko a chance to enter Palaena with welcome. With him and the bannermen in attendance, the paradigm will shift.

A smirk plays along my lips. "Let's first get through trade routes and then we can plan the celebrations."

Jonas's tall frame eases into the cushioned seat, agreeing with my feedback. His brown eyes are bright and excited for this new challenge. With similar features as his brother, I can't wrap my mind around how one of them can be accommodating, charming, and kind while the other pretends to show those traits.

He glances down at the map between us, pinpointing the trade routes and goods we plan to exchange. With wine, wheat, fish for crops, and new metals, my heart leaps at the resources supplied by Palaena and not Ulrik.

The gratification at removing the Albertsens' power over my family is unparalleled. With the new trade and the planned ball, I am almost convinced this alliance could be a good thing.

Almost.

Jonas is rambling ideas aloud, unable to curb the thrill of planning this celebration of my marriage to Jerrick. "It'll be a challenge to make the arrangements, but it'll be fabulous." Jonas beams.

The relief of removing one small stress from my agenda is short lived, the added weight of scheming already taking a toll. I go along with all the suggestions Jonas mentions, too tired to expend anymore on plans for the day.

When I leave his study, I find myself heartened by the solitude of being alone for once. My footsteps take me to one of my favorite areas of the castle, grateful the figurative shackles I wear feel lighter—if only a little.

Jonas is open and forthright during our trade discussions, but each day I walk down the hall with Dorit is another day I do not see Jerrick.

It strikes me as odd, given he was the one I was supposed to be with while here. I had believed meetings would involve us both along with training my gifts.

But it is as if he is a figment of my imagination.

Each day I don't wake up beside Niko or don't have Betina greeting me is a cold slap to the face. My situation is real, not a dream.

I've fought my homesickness alone, clinging to my pillow and crying through nightmares. My grief and my failures seek to drown me each day, but I cannot even allow myself to feel the sorrow. No, I need to bide my time, wearing this false mask to find answers and return home.

Being tucked away with Jonas should be exhausting, but it's granted me chances to peel information from the prince about Palaena after a few glasses of wine. He still managed to remain tight-lipped whenever I would bring up his brother, seeking answers about him as well as my family. But Jonas listed excuses, claiming he was forbidden to discuss such matters until the king had.

It left me vexed, hating that I would have to wait for Jerrick to approach me.

Jonas diverted my questions, mentioning how he and Viggo, his partner, met. The adoration shining on his face whenever he spoke of Viggo lifted my mood despite the pang of missing Niko.

The story led deep into the night, and it was the first time I genuinely felt my time with Jonas was a delight rather than an obligation.

I've worked hard at remaining closed off, yet I found myself blurring the lines between deceiving and being myself.

Matters only remained worse, though, because I could not sense my magic.

It hasn't manifested since my injury, and part of me fears that, somehow, being here, healing has taken away my capabilities. It is another jab at my failures, reminding me that Axidoria is still plagued by my destruction.

I fidget with my fingers anxiously, still trapped in this disaster of my own making.

I seek out the courtyard after today's meeting, discussing wine as one of the first resources exchanged between Palaena and Axidoria. And as it comes into view, my breath catches, and tension leaves my body at the sight.

The sun sets behind the Velkan Mountains, with a cloudless sky covered in light hues of pink and lavender surrounding the blue of day. No sign of night has taken over the sky yet, and my arms hold my midsection, leaning against one of the courtyard pillars, enjoying one of my new favorite pastimes.

Chords and a light melody come to mind, and my fingers twitch lightly, circling movements of composition as I imagine a soft, lyrical ballad coming to life on the keys of a piano. An ache pushes against my chest from the lack of access to music, and I fight through it, trying to allow the song to uplift me. But tears line my vision.

I miss Niko and Betina.

I miss visiting my family's graves.

I try to hum the songs I've composed in my heart, but its call has disintegrated.

"How is your plan for world domination going?" a dark, low voice grumbles from the shadows.

I gasp, my hackles rising to attention at the sound of Jerrick's rich tone, paired with amusement. I bite back a retort as he stands beside me, leaning against the opposite pillar.

He hasn't approached me since our wedding night, and it has my defenses up, worrying he has been spying on me this entire time and is aware of my intentions.

I note his appearance is more dressed down than usual. A rumpled gray tunic, black leather trousers, and a belt holding his sword and dagger with matching hilts. His hair is damp, and tied half-back, displaying his square jaw and that damned dimple.

Jerrick turns when he catches me looking, and I bristle, darting my attention back to the sunset. He chuckles, as if he knows I still need him to teach me about my magic and that this is only a game of who has more willpower to not rip off the other's head.

It takes everything in me to hold my tongue, to play nice with this monster rather than lash out. I wish I could hide the blush creeping along my cheeks, making me feel hot and needy from his inspection.

He steps into my personal space, cologne and leather rippling off him in waves. A dangerously intoxicating scent.

I staunch my breath.

He murmurs, "I'd like to give you a tour of the grounds."

I keep my focus on the lake, scouting for any signs of wildlife as a distraction from meeting Jerrick's gaze, nerves building in my stomach from his nearness.

I am not as ready to see him again as I thought.

"I've already had a tour of the castle," I say flatly, trying to mold myself into the pillar.

He steps closer. "I bet you haven't seen the training arena." His chest touches my arm, the hardness of it and his body warmth melting into my skin.

I huff in annoyance at my own body's betrayal, fighting the urge to give him an ounce of my energy and time, knowing I can't show my desperation for training. I reach for my anger over his avoidance of me and remain focused on the sunset.

"I'd like for us to talk."

His velvet voice caresses my skin.

I grip harder for my frustrations, delaying my response to his comment. Holding my dress and fumbling with the fabric, I seek something to ground me and calm me. The satin skirt of my blue dress glides along my fingertips, the soothing relief of its coolness relaxing in my touch.

A warm hand grabs mine, and a calloused thumb rubs slow circles.

I meet those softened pale eyes, hopeful for my response. But a hint of remorse is behind them, too.

Jerrick's hair is pulled away from his face, one small dimple appearing while we examine one another. His mind-numbing touch calms me, reminding me of the need to work with him.

"Talk," I manage, slipping my hand from his.

I step away, needing distance and space.

Facing back to the sunset, the mountains already tease glimpses of spring. The normality of the seasons in Palaena throws me off, emotional exhaustion sweeping over me. The periodic dark cloud of my grief surfaces, looming over my mournful heart and souring my mood.

I try to keep my head held high, maintaining a regal appearance, only to turn away from Jerrick and leave, my own cowardice in my full wake.

Jerrick's footsteps follow me, the clink of his boots catching up with my steps in a hallway of the castle. When he reaches me, his strides slow to complement mine.

I want to appreciate the small gesture of not having to match his long-legged pace, but I keep walking, trying to pretend he isn't beside me.

He grips the elbow of my sleeved gown and tugs me to a halt. "I am sure you have many questions, and I promise I will answer all of them, but first, I need you to come with me."

I sigh before gesturing for him to lead the way, only for him to extend his elbow to me. My mind and body are at war from the offer, and my body wins.

We drift close as I take the king's elbow, the crisp scent of his clean tunic mixing with the air as we walk toward a closed door.

Jerrick guides me into a room I have not been in, and relief courses through me that this room is not a bedchamber. The memory of his raised voice and rejection still stings, despite him being my enemy.

I shudder as I step farther into a large study.

The room is surrounded with books stacked high on built-in shelves, and I remain quiet in my conflicting thoughts, touching the oak bookcases that hold volumes of history, art, journals, and maps of Palaena and Draymenk. Scanning the titles, some deal with religion, trade, and stories—even dabble in composition and music.

Joy lifts my mood as I trace my fingers across each music book, craving to read and memorize every score of Palaena's artists.

"You play?" Jerrick's whisper sends the hair rising along my neck, his presence made known.

My hand falls away from the texts, feeling like I was caught doing something wrong.

But his question brings back memories of my past and how it used to be surrounded with harmony. My resentment wavers slightly.

"I used to," I confess.

"Used to?"

"Before I froze over my piano back home." I, again, seek distance from him.

I ease into a high cushioned chair across from another, separated by a table piled with paperwork. I cross my arms at the small vulnerability I offered, unsure of why I even admitted that.

But the memory of playing on each key of the piano sets my determination straight, another thing capable of being fixed if I train with him.

Jerrick's sits, leaning back. He studies me carefully, tenderness leaving his features, replaced by that cocky ego I so easily remember.

"Your powers are what bring us here today," he says.

The kernel of calm and peace drains from me. "Maybe if you had upheld your end of the deal, my abilities wouldn't have to be mentioned."

His face hardens at my venom, and he inches forward and rests his arms on the table. It trembles as he says, "Oh, I still plan to train you, Frostbite. But all in good time. I, first, had to see how bad your winter was coming into my kingdom."

I never considered it affecting Palaena. The veins of snow and ice from the lake near my home sprouted in the opposite direction of their borders. But traveling through Biala Forest showed me that my powers were spreading.

I did not get to see how bad it was, my injury speaking for itself. But my own negligence and lack of awareness of it to begin with coats my throat with nausea.

My skin heats, and my palms turn clammy as I reach out for something else to focus on. I lean into the lack of an apology from him about our wedding night, aware he is seeking to brush his outburst under the rug, blaming everything on me, like everyone does.

I scoff. "Is that your reason for avoiding me this entire time?"

"Who said anything about avoiding?" he coos dubiously.

I roll my eyes at the taunt as he adds, "It is heartwarming to see you've taken your new role seriously. But I have returned and have cleared your schedule to work with me."

"I still have to work with Jonas and send correspondence to Axidoria. I can't simply ignore those duties to work only with you." I run my thumbs through my eyebrows as a dull ache forms in my head.

The meetings with Jonas are already long, and while I've grown to enjoy his company, it doesn't make the unifying of two kingdoms any easier. Not to mention the masquerade.

Will I get any time to reach out to Betina and Niko?

I might have to sacrifice time with them if I am going to get the answers and training I need from Jerrick. Darkness and misery cleave at my chest at my decision when footsteps recede toward the exit.

I lift my head as Jerrick reaches the door.

"Then you mustn't be trying hard enough," he says.

The fury coursing through me moves faster than my words.

I grab a rumpled piece of paper to throw toward Jerrick and his tousled onyx hair. But the harsh reality of my terrible aim and awful strength shows as the crumpled parchment hovers in the air for mere seconds before dropping to the ground—far away from the door.

The monster himself laughs cheerfully, haunting my thoughts and sending my rage to unravel even more. I stand, needing to expel my anger, and shove everything off the study table.