6. Phoenix

CHAPTER 6

Phoenix

" P hoenix McKean!"

I stepped up onto the auditorium stage as my name was called, the black polyester gown flowing around me. I felt like a dollar-store extra from some wizard movie. The square cap on my head was itchy and barely balancing in place. And yet I couldn't help smiling as I crossed the stage to get my diploma at last.

There was polite applause from the onlookers. However, I heard my mom, stepdad, and Mrs. Miller of course, calling out from the crowd and whooping like they were at the homecoming football game. I felt larger than life for a moment, like I'd accomplished something great. Of course, I knew it was just high school, but still. It was the moment I'd been waiting for since the fourth grade. I was free of this place at last.

I took my diploma, turned my tassel to the correct side, and raised a hand to my parents crying out from the bleachers. But, when I reached the bottom of the stairs on the other side, I didn't continue to my seat like I was supposed to. Instead, I stopped and turned around, waiting for the person that I cared for more than anyone in the entire world.

"Charles Miller!"

Another boy… well man , stepped up onto the stage. He was an easy six foot if he was anything, a full four inches taller than me. He had dark hair, stubble on his jaw, and dark brown eyes I could get lost in. I'd gotten lost in them quite often in fact. Not that he knew about that. Whenever he caught me staring, he just allowed it without ever making a comment. He was my best friend in all the world and the one man that had stolen my heart long ago.

I'd actually planned on telling him that night how I felt. It seemed like the right time to do it. We had one summer left to figure it all out before we headed off to college. And maybe, if I was really lucky, he might continue to be friends with me after I admitted everything to him. I still hadn't quite tacked down his sexuality, not that I'd been brave enough to ask him outright. But he never flinched at the idea of girls or boys. He was just always at my side, happy to listen to anything I had to say no matter how stupid it was.

I let out a loud whoop as Charlie took his diploma. His dark eyes found me instantly, a smile filling his face. I loved the way his cheeks turned pink when he saw me. I'd embarrassed him, but he was just as happy as I was to finally be free of this place. Our entire lives were laid out before us and neither of us could wait to see what that meant.

Charlie was the introverted one, to be sure. I knew transitioning to college would be tough for him. But I was extroverted enough for the both of us. Besides, after his coding bootcamp the previous summer, he was excited to get into his computer classes and start learning even more. He had everything all planned out down to the amount of salary he'd pull his first year as a junior full stack engineer.

Me? Well, I had a half-written book that I'd rewritten so many fucking times I wanted to puke. And I had a dream of being on the bestseller list. Other than that, college was just putting off the inevitable four more years. I wanted as much time to think and write as I could get before I had to go to work at some dead-end job in a cubicle farm. But I knew that if I put my head down and really worked, I could get more than one book finished during college. I might even start looking for an agent.

I just had to finish that fucking book.

"Fantastic performance, as always," I said, holding out my hand to Charlie as he came down the steps.

He grinned, rolled his eyes, and took my hand anyway. "Thanks. They said my Oscar should be in the mail in six to thirty-five business weeks."

"Perfect. It'll be here just in time for the apocalypse."

Charlie laughed and the pair of us walked arm in arm back to our seat. We both waved at our parents, the three of them going absolutely ape shit in the stand. They were so embarrassing, and I could tell it bothered Charlie just a bit. But I didn't care. It was nice to have people that cheered me on. Especially when I liked to get into as much trouble as humanly possible and drive those poor people batshit crazy with my antics.

After the ceremony finally came to an end, all of the graduates were paraded out of the auditorium like cattle and out onto the front lawn of the school. There our families could meet us and take pictures, fawn, or whatever the fuck else they wanted to do. But today, by some lucky chance, it had decided to rain. And that meant not standing in the lawn with two hundred other kids I fucking hated. Instead, we ran to my parents' van, and we all piled in, even Charlie and Mrs. Miller. The rain picked up the moment the door was shut and soaked everyone else that was still outside. I couldn't help but chuckle as Jordan and his flunkies got fucking drenched and their convertible, which already had the top down, began to fill with rain.

"Serves those dickheads right," I said, pointing them out to Charlie.

"Phoenix! Language!" my mother barked from the front seat.

"Oh, leave him be, Laura," my step dad said, giving me a wink. "He's a man now. Let him swear a little."

"He's been swearing like a sailor since he was twelve years old!" she shot back. "And I'm pretty sure it's your fault for letting him do it in the garage."

"He's gotta learn from someone."

I smiled back at him. While the pair of us started out rocky thanks to him uprooting the family and forcing us to bum-fuck nowhere Oregon, we'd grown pretty close in the past few years. Ted McKean was a good guy, and I was happy to have his last name. He was more of a father to me than my real father had been. In fact, I could barely even remember the man considering I hadn't seen him since I was seven.

"I better not hear you talking like that, Charlie," Mrs. Miller added, glancing back at her son.

"Don't worry," he sighed. "I won't." Then he looked at me, whispering under his breath. "Around you…"

"I heard that, young man!"

We both laughed and Mrs. Miller smiled. For all the times she pretended to be a tough parent, she was easily the most gentle of the three. She'd become somewhat of a second mother to me over the years and I thought of her as my family. Sometimes I liked her better than my own parents. She let us get away with all sorts of shit and I knew I was always welcome at the Miller house, no matter what .

"Well," my mother sighed. "So much for all the beautiful pictures on the lawn I was hoping for. We can just take them tomorrow if the weather is nice."

"Let's make sure we burn these ugly things tonight then," I whispered to Charlie. "We're still having a bonfire at your place, right?"

He nodded. "I've got lots of… marshmallows ."

I grinned, feeling the tingle of mischief tickling my belly. "I bet you do."

Skipping pictures and all the crowds in town, Ted drove us all over to Eugene for a nice celebration dinner at the best Chinese place in town. Charlie and I were big fans of all you can eat buffets and our parents, despite wanting to do something more fancy, acquiesced to our wants. Of course, that didn't stop my mother or Mrs. Miller from crying when they brought out a graduation cake for the both of us. Our parents had planned the entire thing, but they were the first to get emotional.

I ate until I could barely recall my own name. After a long day of graduation rehearsal and the actual ceremony that seemed to last hours, I was happy to be fat and sleepy in the back of the car with my head resting on Charlie's shoulder. He snored softly beside me, his head resting against mine. We still had our own plans once we got back home. Knowing I'd need the energy, I allowed myself to snuggle in and let sleep take me.

I snuck out my window after my parents had gone to bed. Grabbing my backpack and my bike from the backyard, I crept my way out through the gate, leaving it unlatched behind me. By the time I reached the road, Charlie was already there waiting for me. He too had a backpack and his bike. But, unlike me, he was fidgety and nervous. Charlie never was one for breaking the rules.

"You ready?" I asked, throwing my leg over my bike.

He nodded. "Yeah." I heard the tinkling of glass as he mounted his bike. "I got the stuff."

"Oh my god, Charlie," I laughed. "It's not cocaine. It's just booze."

"And we're only eighteen," he shot back.

"So? We have to celebrate somehow. It's not my fault the laws in this country are dumb." I placed a hand on my hip, lifting an eyebrow in his direction. "I could go join the army and die for this country right now. But they won't let me drink? Tell me which of those two has the biggest consequences?"

He sighed. "I've heard this all before, Nix."

"Well then stop being such a worry-wart and come on!"

Kicking off from the ground, I pedaled as fast as I could out of town, heading to the north. A minute later Charlie was at my side, his sideways glances of annoyance making me laugh. I felt a familiar tightness fill my body, like I was a balloon about to burst. It felt as if all the world were trying to hold me back, even my own psyche. But I knew better than to hold that wild feeling in. I let go of the handlebars, threw my arms wide, and howled up at the moon.

"Nix! Someone will hear us!" Charlie hissed.

"Who cares?" I laughed. I saw him grin despite himself. "Come on, Charlie! Join me!"

I howled again, my arms stretched out and my flannel flapping behind me. A moment later, another howl rose up next to me and I looked over to see Charlie finally joining in the fun. He'd never believe it if I told him, but sometimes he could be just as wild as I was. I just had to coax it out.

As he turned his face up to the moon and let loose another howl, I couldn't help but stare. That beautiful man, all dark and mysterious, was my best friend in the entire world. How I'd gotten so lucky, I didn't know. But I was going to tell him how I felt tonight. And maybe, if the universe was smiling down on me, he'd want more than just friendship from me at last.

We reached the creek without incident, dropping our bikes at its rocky edge before working out way into the woods. There was a small bend in the creek where Charlie had built a fire ring. It was surrounded by trees and cut off from the rest of the world. Nobody driving into town would be able to see us, even after we lit a fire. He always kept all his supplies there, tucked under a rock in a waterproof bag. I couldn't count the amount of nights we'd spent out there under the stars, just him and me and a warm fire crackling at our feet.

And tonight was no different. As soon as we reached the ring, Charlie built us a small fire before tucking his supplies away once more. In the meantime, I raided his backpack and uncapped the first bottle. Taking a swig, I shivered as the sharp alcohol taste hit my tongue. However, the next moment it was replaced by a nutty caramel flavor and I let out a satisfied sigh.

"Here," I said, handing it over to Charlie. "It's pretty good."

He took the bottle, taking a small sip and wincing. "Y-Yeah. It's g-great." Then he stopped, smacking his lips. "Oh. You know what? That's actually not bad." He took another swig before handing it back to me. "Let's be careful with that."

"Uh-huh," I nodded, taking a big gulp. I needed all the courage I could get for what I was about to say to him .

I took a seat on the ground, my back pressed up against the large fallen tree that protected our special place. Charlie threw another log on the fire and joined me, his shoulder touching mine. We handed the bottle back and forth, taking small sips to get our personal graduation celebration started.

"So… college next, huh?" I said, pulling my knees up to my chest. "And we're both going to the same university."

"I hope we can room together," Charlie nodded. "I don't really want to share a dorm with a stranger."

"Well, if you room with me you might have to put up with a sock on the door all the time." I laughed at my own joke, but I felt Charlie stiffen beside me. He always did that when I talked about dating or fucking other people. "You could put a sock on the door too," I added. "No reason for you not to have a little fun as well."

He shrugged. "I don't know if that's really my thing."

"Like sex at all or hookups?"

"Hookups. Sex sounds good… I just don't want it to be someone I don't know, you know?" He shook his head, a pained laugh escaping his lips. "But then again, I never talk to anyone, so I'll probably be a virgin forever." He took another swig from the bottle. "I've never even been kissed."

"Neither have I."

Charlie looked up at me. "What?"

"Of course not! Do you really think I would've kissed someone and not told you about it?"

"I don't know…" Charlie shrugged. "I figured you made out with people at those parties you went to."

"You were there with me. "

"Yeah, but I wasn't babysitting you. I didn't know what you might be up to."

"Well, it wasn't getting kissed or anything else for that matter." I leaned back against the log, turning my face toward the stars. "You know… college is scary enough to begin with. But knowing that I'll be going there as a virgin and without kissing anyone…" I blew out a long sigh. "I don't know… it makes me think that nobody is ever going to want me."

I saw Charlie turn to me out of the corner of my eye. He stared up at me, his jaw working as if he wanted to say something but couldn't find the right words.

"You'll find someone," he finally said, his voice strained. "I'm sure of it."

I closed my eyes, my head still tipped toward the sky. "What if I already have?"

Silence.

My heart was beating so loud I was sure Charlie could hear it. But I had to keep going. I'd come this far, and I couldn't back down. Not now.

"Charlie… do you like girls?"

There was a long pause.

"N-No."

"Do you like guys?"

I felt him tense next to me, but he didn't answer. And that was answer enough.

"Why didn't you tell me?" I asked, looking back down at him. "You know I'd never judge you for that. "

Charlie shook his head, his eyes glistening in the moonlight. He wanted to say something, I could see it in his eyes. But he just wouldn't do it.

"What is it? What are you too afraid to say?" I was well aware that I was avoiding my own terrifying admission, but I needed the distraction. "You know you can tell me anything."

It wasn't just a statement, it was a plea. I wanted him to tell me whatever was on his mind. Because the more I stared at him, the more I began to hope that we were having the same thought.

"Fine," I said, after a long pause. "I'll go first."

Summoning up all my courage, I reached out a shaky hand and wrapped it around the back of Charlie's neck. He let out a gasp, but he didn't pull away. The moment I touched him, goosebumps rose up under my fingers, spreading across his skin like wildfire.

"Charlie," I said, biting my lower lip. "Will… will you be my first kiss?"

It wasn't what I meant to say, and it wasn't what I should have said. But, despite my cowardice, the look in his eyes told me that he understood my meaning. His right hand came up, his thumb brushing delicately over my cheek. He stared into my eyes long and hard, and I hoped he couldn't read my thoughts. There were so many things I wanted to do with Charlie. Things that were much more involved and sexy than an innocent first kiss. I did my best to hide the years of pining coming to a head inside of me.

A million thoughts raced through my mind all at once, all of them tinged with regret that I had finally admitted my crush. Charlie didn't want me. How could he? He was probably just trying to think of a nice way to let me down. That had to be it.

Then, with an almost imperceptible nod, Charlie leaned forward and pressed his lips to mine .

And my brain went silent.

Electricity filled my body, making me tingle from head to toe. My instincts took over as I kissed Charlie back, my grip on the back of his neck tightening. I found myself reaching out, a hand going under his shirt and touching warm, soft skin. I wanted everything he was comfortable sharing. We weren't kids anymore and I knew what I wanted. Already I could feel my pants tightening as blood began to pool in my groin.

But Charlie kept his kiss soft, innocent, and sweet. He was slow and methodical, not just kissing me, but kissing me well . I felt his tongue dance against my lips, and I opened up to him, letting him explore my mouth. It went on like that for what seemed like several minutes. When he finally pulled away, I was breathless, sweaty, and felt like I was on fire.

"I… I've wanted to do that since we were fourteen," Charlie said at last, his voice soft and low.

"Why didn't you?" I asked. "I would've let you."

"I… I was scared."

It was a simple explanation, but it made all the sense in the world. After all, that was why I'd never asked him to kiss me before tonight.

"I was too," I admitted. "I don't want to lose you as a friend, Charlie. Not ever."

"Me either." His thumb caressed my cheek again. "I've known you for most of my life at this point. I love you too much to lose you, Nix."

"I love you too, buddy," I said, pulling him into a hug before he saw my tears. "I'll always be at your side, okay?"

Charlie nodded as he wrapped his arms around me and held me tightly against him. I was so happy, I thought I might die. And despite my tears and my joy, I still noticed that his jeans were also a bit stiff in the crotch as he held me against him.

"You're gonna poke a hole in my shirt with that thing," I chuckled, squeezing him tighter.

"Sorry," he muttered. "I can't help it when you're touching me. It just… happens."

"I'm okay with that."

"Can we…" he started. "Can we take things slow, though?"

I pulled back, staring into those beautiful dark eyes of his. "We can go at whatever pace you want," I said, meaning every word of it. I ran my fingers through his hair, savoring the ability to be intimate with him in small ways like that. "I want you to be comfortable. You are more important than my dick."

He laughed at that. "Th-Thanks."

I held his face in my hands. "But don't make me wait too long, okay?"

A crooked smile filled his face. "I won't. Promise."

"Will you kiss me again?"

"I'd love to."

I fell back into his arms, our lips meeting once more. A bottle of amber liquid lay forgotten at our feet and the campfire crackled. What had started out as a simple celebration quickly turned into the best night of my life. I wished it could last forever, that I could remain in Charlie's arms until the end of time.

But all moments, no matter how devastatingly beautiful they might be, come to an end eventually.