Chapter 11
11
F or the first time since I’d awoken, I was blissfully, utterly alone. Not that I didn’t appreciate Ruslan, Liliana, Drazen, and Zuriel’s constant support. No, it was that I felt like I was suffocating from all their care, their attention, and pretending to be strong and keep moving forward, when sometimes all I wanted to do was scream into the mountains until my throat bled and my voice abandoned me, unable to bear the anguish that still clung to me.
Drazen and Zuriel had swept off early this morning to meet with some of the other army leaders. And Liliana had waved me off, begging for more sleep when I appeared in her apartments at Ryza Citadel.
When I’d told Ruslan what I wanted to do while he attended his duties today, he’d seemed hesitant at first, but since no one outside the Iron Realm knew I had awoken, we decided it would be safe enough for me to go alone. So I’d ridden Mistik out of the city with a promise to Ruslan to check in with him every so often. I knew exactly where I needed to go, but that didn’t make the trek any easier.
With shaking hands, I pulled my beautiful dapple gray mare to a stop when we breached the first plateau into the Agrenak Mountains, the very same spot where Kazimir had taken me after he kidnapped me. This time, the snow was absent, and a few wildflowers poked through the scattered rocks. The sight of their colorful petals swaying in the light breeze made me clench my teeth.
“I’m here, but I’m going to barricade my mind so you don’t have to bear the depth of my emotion,” I told Ruslan down our bond.
“Sprite, you are never a burden to me, nor are your emotions. Feel what you need to feel and do not worry for a second about me. But I am only a thought away if you need me.”
“I love you.”
“And I love you more.”
With a thud, I leaped to the ground, not bothering to secure Mistik. My faithful horse wouldn’t go anywhere. The large boulder that had cracked my spine when I’d landed against it after breaking off my bond with Kazimir cast a long shadow pointed directly at me, as if it were beckoning me to relive the nightmare of that experience.
My next step was a flash back to the moment I’d pushed every last ounce of magic I possessed into a shield for my mate. Next was the replay of the blade sailing past him. Then was the excruciating pain of it slicing into my chest. By the time I flattened my hands on the rock, I was panting, fighting with my brain to get my emotions under control.
The dark crystal in my chest fed on the anguish ripping me apart.
A laugh escaped my lips as images of the blade were ousted by one of Queen Immonen’s frightened, frantic face after she’d had a vision in the dress shop.
“Everything will go dark,” she had said.
If only she’d known just how deep that darkness would go. I’d tried to see if I could recall that white light, to pull on the happiest of my emotions and change the color. All I’d succeeded in doing was morphing it into a smoky gray that reminded me of Ruslan’s eyes.
Even the sun seemed to mock me as it beat into my eyes. I glared at it, like I could unleash my ire in its direction and somehow find relief. This anger, this pure, unfettered rage at everything life had put me through was too much for my tiny body to bear. It needed to explode from me like a volcanic eruption, turned into a molten river that would consume everything in its path.
How could one person manage such enormous emotions?
And so that laugh morphed into a scream as I clawed and beat the rock, imagining it was Kazimir’s fucking face. King Zalan’s. King Azim’s. The guards’. The list of people who had hurt me felt endless and despite the fact that all but one were dead, it wasn’t enough. Killing all those males with Ruslan was intoxicating, yet it only served to intensify my thirst for more.
Would it ever be? Would there ever be a time where I’d be abundantly happy, without the claws of something traumatic sinking into me?
I hadn’t done any more sessions with Zuriel since awakening, though perhaps I should. Twenty-one years was a long time to have those terrors build up with no way to release them.
Tears blurred my vision, and I released one last choked cry. The echo of it remained in my ears as I dropped my head and tried to regain my breath. The salty drops plummeted to the dusty earth, an offering to the tiny blossoms rooted there.
I was an insidious bloom.
Kazimir had underestimated me. King Zalan had underestimated me. King Azim had underestimated me. These fucking kings of északi were useless . They had no idea the power contained within females, and that it was by our mercy that we allowed them dominion over us.
Ruslan never scorched the earth where I planted myself; instead, he nurtured it so I could bloom.
Chest heaving, I sank to the ground, resting my back against the boulder and soaking in the shade.
How poignant it was to be bathed in darkness with the light just out of reach. How ironic that over half a year later I was braced against the monumental stone of my own volition.
Heart thundering against my ribcage, I tried to suck down serrated breaths, searching for a semblance of calm amid the raging storm in my mind. But I was dragged back to the moment Kazimir’s hand had clamped over my mouth, cloaking us in invisibility and preventing anyone from witnessing him kidnapping me. I squeezed my eyes shut like the action would wring the memory from my mind.
It didn’t.
A light rustling pricked my ears, and I opened my eyes, watching through blurred vision as Zuriel dropped from the cloudless blue sky. With the lightest of touches, he landed, coming to kneel just outside the shadow that engulfed me. The corners of his icy blue eyes were tight, and they scanned me with hurried movements.
“Are you okay, cousin?” he asked gently, banishing his white feathered wings.
It was as if my thoughts of our sessions had summoned him, and I didn’t bother to ask how he knew where I was. He had this keen sense of knowing when I needed him most, and in that moment, I was grateful he was there.
“No,” I choked out around the lump in my throat.
Zuriel remained motionless, waiting for me to continue.
After curling and uncurling my fingers a few times, I managed to get out, “I thought I could handle him on my own. I wanted to handle him on my own, to prove that I didn’t need anyone to take care of me. But then I couldn’t.”
My cousin’s eyes softened even more. “Oh, Izidora–”
I shook my head, cutting him off. I needed to get the words out. “I was so scared, not being able to use my power.” Hot tears spilled over and raced down my cheeks. Then, the truth of the matter slipped free after them. “I want someone to protect me, but I want to be strong on my own. I want to feel safe, to feel like I have the freedom to relax, but every time I turn around, there’s some new threat that sweeps those feelings just out of reach. Will anything I do ever be enough? Or will I be forever cursed to vacillate between stolen moments of peace and fear?”
Zuriel scooted closer, then switched to sitting cross-legged. Curving his spine, he lowered his head to meet mine and took my hands. “You can be strong on your own and still have the protection of others, cousin. You do not have to rely solely on yourself. Nor do you have to prove anything by doing so. No one will think you weak if you remain tucked in the net of safety that the people who love you provide. Ruslan tortured himself for months after he allowed you to wander off on your own because he thinks he should have been the one to retrieve the necklace for you.”
I nodded, more heat searing my cheeks as tears continued to fall. None of it was Ruslan’s fault, despite the blame he placed on himself. He’d done everything to protect me, and I’d still insisted on being independent.
How could I have both?
As if Zuriel was reading my mind, he said, “In this coming war, he will not let you out of his sight, of that I am certain. But you are strong, and you can fight with us on the battlefield. The two of you are mated and possess unique powers because of it. Utilize that advantage and find the overlap where Ruslan’s protection allows you to tap into the immense well of magic in your chest.”
With the backs of my hands, I dried my eyes. “He’s exactly what I needed.”
A small half-smile tugged up the corner of Zuriel’s mouth. “I know.”
“But these emotions…” I trailed off, closing my fist over my heart and giving my chest a thump. Dropping my head, I sucked in a serrated breath. “I don't want to have to hold all this myself. Don’t think I can. It’s going to consume me.”
“Let me help you bear the burden,” Zuriel said quietly, and I lifted my gaze to meet his sincere one.
“Another session?” I asked.
“If that is what you wish, then we shall do it,” he replied, straightening.
The work would be hard, but worth it, especially if it could provide me with a modicum of relief from the feeling of Kazimir’s hands on my skin, his mouth searing into mine as he forced a kiss on me. So, I crossed my arms over my chest and began to tap.
Down I delved into the memory of what had happened there in the winter, the moments coming back with the same clarity as the open sky above us. As if I was there again, a crisp breeze caressed my face, turning biting as we raced, blind, into the Agrenak Mountains. Hoofbeats filled my ears.
And I trembled.
“I couldn’t access my magic,” I whimpered, terror flooding me anew. The tapping quickened as the feeling of being gagged returned. “I tried and tried and tried. I didn’t want to have to be saved again. I didn’t want to be a victim again.”
Sweat beaded on the back of my neck, then dripped cold down my spine.
“Kazimir always made me feel like I needed to be saved by him. That I should have been grateful to be saved by him. I didn’t realize the difference between him and Ruslan until so much later. Didn’t realize how fucked up his actions and words were when I had nothing else to compare them to. How was I supposed to know it wasn’t healthy?” A choked sob slipped out with my question.
“Keep going,” Zuriel encouraged, his tone soft like a warm caress.
“Thank me for saving you. Call me your hero,” Kazimir had commanded while we had sex on more than one occasion. Memories of him moving inside me while those praises breathed in his direction made my skin crawl.
“Why didn’t I see it?” I whimpered as the tangled web of my relationship with Kazimir began unfurling.
Kazimir went from being my savior to my kidnapper. Ruslan went from being my kidnapper to my empowerer. One set me free only to try to chain me. The other chained me in order to set me free.
“How could you have seen it?” Zuriel challenged, though bite was absent from his tone.
“I couldn’t,” I whispered, and he nodded.
“Can you forgive yourself for that?”
His question slammed into me and stole my breath. I was blaming myself for so many things that happened that were outside of my control. Kazimir’s depravity was not my fault. His manipulations were not my fault. He took advantage of my naivete and didn’t think twice about it. Didn’t even try to deny it when I confronted him about it.
“I forgive myself for trusting him.” Saying the words aloud opened something in the space between my ribs, relieving a profound ache I hadn’t known existed. The tapping continued with more fervency as I tried to rid myself of this blame. “I forgive myself for not doing more to protect myself because I was already doing everything within my power.” I dragged in another breath. “I forgive myself for placing the fault on my own shoulders rather than where it deserves to be laid.”
Chest continuing to expand, I repeated my affirmations, “I am safe. I am strong. I am powerful. I am an insidious bloom.”
“Yes, you are,” Zuriel added pointedly. “And with all of those things, you will have your revenge, cousin. You need not rewrite the ending of what happened to you here today. That day is coming, and soon.”
I ceased the tapping and dropped my arms to my sides, bracing my palms against the dusty earth. “Then, I will finally be free.” Pushing myself to stand, I steeled my spine and faced the world once again.
Zuriel rose too, lithe and graceful. “Come, let’s train with the army today so you can feel just how protected you will be on the battlefield.”
Mistik was exactly where I’d left her, munching on some grass. Her head perked up, ears flicking forward as Zuriel and I approached. A soft nicker slipped from her throat as I flattened my palm on the side of her face and stroked the fur there. She bumped my belly with her nose, making me laugh. Zuriel patted her hide too. “When the war is over, you should breed horses, like High Lady Domi of the Night Realm. You have a gift with animals.”
I flashed him a smile. “I think I would like that.”
My cousin’s eyes held a sadness to them as he looked down at me, but it was gone before I could comment on it. “You ride, I will fly. They aren’t training far from here currently.”
Circling to Mistik’s side, I gripped the saddle with both hands and planted my boot in the stirrup. Swinging my leg over her back, I settled in for a short ride. “Lead the way.”