Chapter 6

Eli

"Darn, you win again," I said as I frowned and shook my head dejectedly at the little boy who was grinning from ear to ear.

"I'm really good," he said, his little hand coming to rest on my arm reassuringly. "I've had lots of practice."

I smiled at that and glanced at the man sitting next to the hospital bed. I shifted uncomfortably at his intense blue eyes. It wasn't that the man I only knew as Hawke scared me; it was more like every time he looked at me, he saw things I didn't want him to see. And that reminded me of Mav.

Who I was trying desperately not to think about.

And failing miserably.

"You know what, Matty?" I said as I wrote a big M on the piece of paper covered in Tic Tac Toe boards. "I am going to go home and practice and tomorrow I want a rematch, okay?"

"Okay," Matty said and he gave me what I could only perceive as a placating smile. Of all the kids I visited each day, Matty was one that stuck close to my heart, though I wasn't really sure why. Maybe because he had an uncanny ability to empathize with a person; it was unexpected in someone so young. But the first thing he'd asked me the day after I'd left Mav sitting on his bike in front of my apartment three days earlier was why I was so sad. And while sad might not have been the exact right word, the five-year-old boy had come pretty close to nailing what I was feeling.

Lost.

Which made no sense because I'd spent a cumulative total of a couple of hours with Mav and that was it. And what I should have been was angry.

Angry for him prying into my life. Angry that he'd seen the things I'd worked so hard to hide. Angry that he'd let me go when I'd walked away from him.

I started to rise from my chair when Matty held his arms out expectantly. I leaned down and carefully hugged him, mindful of the central line in his chest. I felt tears sting my eyes as I always did when I said my goodbyes to one of the half dozen kids I visited. I'd never known true strength until the day I'd walked through the doors of the ICS unit and seen the smiling faces, little bald heads and frail bodies of the kids who'd been handed the raw deal of being stricken with cancer. And this particular little boy had wormed his way into my heart even further. Maybe because of his compassion or his obsession with superheroes, I wasn't really sure. I knew part of it was the men who'd banded around him to form a family and that reminded me of the family I'd always dreamed of being a real part of…of the men who'd saved me and showed me what family was even when there wasn't a shared drop of blood between you.

"I'll see you tomorrow, okay?" I said to Matty as I released him and stood.

Matty nodded and then did something I wasn't expecting. He lifted his Spiderman doll and said, "Do you want to borrow Spidey?"

"I…um…don't you need him?" I stuttered, completely flustered.

Matty glanced over at Hawke before turning his attention back on me. "He helps people," Matty said as he held the doll out expectantly. "Papa was sad but now he's happy," Matty explained, though I had no idea what he meant.

I lifted my eyes to look at Hawke and he gave me a small nod. I took the doll from Matty and shook my head and then leaned down to give him another hug. "I'll take good care of him," I murmured.

I held Matty for a little longer than necessary, but the little boy didn't seem to mind and when I finally let him go, he was grinning again. I stepped around his bed and started to leave the room when Hawke stood and said, "Are you heading out? I'll walk with you…I left something in my car."

I'd made it a habit of making Matty my last visit of the day because I inevitably ended up spending more time with him than the other kids, so it didn't surprise me that Hawke knew I was heading home after the visit. What did surprise me was that this was the second time in three days the man had "forgotten" something in his car.

"Matty, I'll be back in a few minutes, okay?"

"Okay," Matty responded and I saw him flip open a coloring book that was on the tray in front of him.

Hawke followed me out of the room and spoke to the man standing guard outside. "Dante, you mind sitting with him for a bit?" Hawke asked.

The good looking young man's eyes slid over me for a moment before he nodded and turned to go into the room. I hadn't missed the man checking me out on more than one occasion, but surprisingly, the looks never made me uncomfortable; not like so many of the men who often leered at me. With them I was always propelled back to the past when men used to size me up as they decided if I was worth the money I was charging for them to use my body in any way they wanted. With Dante, it was more like he was appreciating something, though I really didn't know what.

But even though there wasn't that discomfort I'd expected to feel, there wasn't anything else either.

Not like what I felt whenever Mav's eyes raked over my body.

Even the thought of his dark green eyes touching every part of me had my body drawing up tight with excitement. Fuck! How could I miss something I'd never had?

"You're really good with him," Hawke said to me as we made our way towards the parking garage .

"He's an amazing kid," I murmured. "You and your partner must be really proud," I said.

The smile that spread across Hawke's face was distracting because it changed his entire countenance. With the burn scars that marred his cheek and neck, he always had an air of danger about him but now he looked…

He looked like all the men and women in my family after they'd found their other halves.

"That's all on Tate," Hawke said.

I'd met Matty's other father several times, but lately it had been Hawke who was with Matty when I did my rounds.

"Is Matty…" I began, but then hesitated when I realized the man might not like the question I'd been about to ask.

"Is he what?" Hawke asked.

"Nothing," I murmured. "It isn't any of my business."

"Eli, I know how much you care about him. Ask your question. It's fine."

I hesitated, but my concern for Matty was greater than my need to not make this man angry by asking intrusive questions. "Matty, is he in danger?" I asked. "I mean, there's always someone outside his door like Dante or Mav…"

My voice dropped off as I said Mav's name and I hoped to God that Hawke hadn't noticed.

"It's just a precaution. Some guys from Tate's and my past posed a threat a couple of months back and we're just making sure they didn't have any friends who might want to take up their cause now that they're gone."

The fact that he used the word "gone" was an ominous sign, but I ignored that as my concern for Matty and his family grew. I stopped, forcing Hawke to stop as well and when he faced me I said, "There's a security firm out here – they're really good. I know the guys who own it. If you need help, I could talk to them."

Hawke studied me for a moment and then said, "Thank you. We're covered right now, but if we need any more guys, we'll take you up on that."

I nodded and began walking again. My thoughts drifted to where they'd been for the last three days and once we reached the stairwell to the garage, I found the courage to ask, "Did he ask you to do this?"

"Do what?"

"Walk me to my car," I murmured. I glanced at Hawke who was watching me curiously. "Two days ago you also forgot something in your car and yesterday Matty's grandfather conveniently happened to be leaving at the same time I was and also happened to be parked on the same level as me."

I hadn't talked to Magnus DuCane who, at forty some years old, seemed nothing like any grandfather I'd ever known. The man had the build of a football player and the only hint of his age were the threads of silver in his dark hair.

We'd reached the bottom of the stairs where I'd been attacked nearly two weeks earlier. "Mav told you what happened, didn't he?"

Hawke studied me for a moment and then reached past me to open the door to the garage itself. "He told me," he finally confirmed.

Disappointment went through me as I wondered what else Mav had told this man about me. But I couldn't help but feel a sliver of gratitude too. Because even though I'd felt a modicum of control return to me after learning the self-defense moves, I was still terrified every time I entered this same stairwell. And the idea that Mav was still looking out for me even when he wasn't around…

"Did he leave?" I asked as Hawke and I walked to my car.

"He took this week off," Hawke responded. "I think he had plans to explore the coast. Head down to California."

"But he's coming back," I said, hoping I'd managed to hide the mix of disappointment and eagerness in my voice.

"Not sure," Hawke responded as he glanced around the parking garage. I bit back the urge to question him further.

"Thanks," I managed to say as I climbed into my car.

"See you tomorrow."

My throat hurt too much so I just nodded and closed the door. I wasn't sure what I'd expected after I'd dismissed Mav like I had. I'd been humiliated and horrified that he'd found out what I'd done to survive as a kid and all I'd wanted to do in that moment was escape and go hide somewhere until I could pull myself together. But now?

I missed him.

The revelation was so startling that I could only sit there in my car, the key in the ignition, my foot pressing the clutch down.

How was that even possible?

I didn't even realize Hawke was still in the garage until he tapped on my window. I swallowed hard and rolled the window down.

"Everything okay?" Hawke asked.

"Yeah," I said quickly as I started the car. "Thanks." Even to my own ears, my voice sounded unnaturally scratchy and uneven.

I hated how the man seemed to be able to look through me, so I quickly rolled my window up, gave him a brief wave and a smile that I had no doubt he could see through and backed the car out of its spot. It was a monumental effort to keep my attention on the road for the short drive home that was made longer because of the evening rush hour traffic. I forced myself to think about other things like needing to find a job for the rest of the summer so I could have as much money saved up as possible before school started in the fall, but it was a wasted effort because my thoughts kept going back to Mav and the way he'd looked at me when I'd handed him the motorcycle helmet.

He'd looked so…hurt.

Which hadn't made sense, so I was sure I'd seen something that wasn't there. Only I couldn't shake the feeling that he'd somehow seen my need to escape his presence as a rejection of sorts.

My phone going off was a momentary distraction and I felt my gut clench as I searched it out. A mix of relief and disappointment went through me when I saw the name Dom appear on the screen. I knew I needed to answer it, but even as I let my thumb hover over the answer button, I couldn't make myself press it. I suspected he was calling to invite me to dinner this weekend and based on what Brennan had told me the day I'd been assaulted, it was likely the welcome home party that Dom and Logan were trying to put together for me .

I knew I couldn't keep putting him off, but the idea of spending an extended amount of time with Dom, Logan and the rest of what once had been my surrogate family left me cold. If they knew what I'd done…

The shame was like hot coals searing my insides and I actually felt a wave of nausea roll through me. I opened the windows in hopes of taking in enough air to stave off the impending panic attack. If I could just get home before it hit, Baby would be there to ease me out of it. My frequent panic attacks right after Dom had taken me off the streets were the reason he'd gifted me with the big dog. Because the security I couldn't find in another person's arms, I could easily find in my dog.

Except there had been one set of arms that had made the pain in my chest recede, that had made the air rush back into my starved lungs…

I remembered the words Mav had whispered in my ear as his big arms had held me close and his broad chest had blanketed my back. I hadn't understood a word he'd said since he'd been speaking a different language, but just the sound of his deep voice in my ear had given me something to concentrate on and I'd focused on how right it had felt to have our bodies perfectly aligned rather than the terror that came with feeling like I couldn't breathe.

The pressure that had slowly been building in my chest began to ease and I let my mind wander to all the many times Mav had touched me, both a few days ago and the day of the assault. Except for that moment in the garage when I'd reverted back to my old ways, I hadn't felt dirty when Mav had touched me. I hadn't wanted him to stop. I hadn't obsessed over saying or doing something to inadvertently turn him on. Even after he'd admitted that he knew I'd sold myself for money, I hadn't sensed the disgust that he should have felt.

And yet I'd still run from him.

I shook my head and tightened my fingers on the steering wheel. It didn't matter. It would have been foolish to pursue something with the man, even friendship. Because just like with Dom, Logan and the rest of my family, he'd be disgusted if he found out the truth .

But those thoughts lasted about as long as it took for me to form them because at that exact moment I was pulling onto my street and there was no way to miss Mav leaning negligently against a car that was parked right in front of my apartment.

I barely managed to take my eyes off of him long enough to get my car parked behind his and get out of it, grabbing Matty's Spiderman doll as I did. And when he began walking towards me, I had to fist my hands to keep them from shaking. I resisted the urge to throw my arms around him and instead crossed my arms in front of me, tucking my hands under my armpits as best as I could with the doll clutched in one of them. "Hi."

"Hey," Mav murmured, his eyes pinning me in place in a way that his touch couldn't. My body was thrumming with excitement at how close he was standing to me and I desperately wished he'd lean in and kiss me.

"Hawke…Hawke said you were on vacation."

"No," was all Mav said and then he leaned in. Not to kiss me, but to brace his hand on the car next to my head. The move had his body just inches from mine and I automatically dropped my arms. Because if he did take what I could see in his eyes that he wanted, I needed my arms free so I could wrap them around him in case he tried to change his mind.

"Is that dinner invitation still open?" Mav whispered.

I swallowed hard and nodded. "Yeah," I said after what seemed like forever to find my voice.

"Good," Mav responded and then he was straightening and I felt the loss instantly. I turned around long enough to lock my car and I forced myself not to look back as Mav followed me to my apartment. Even though he was at least a couple feet behind me, it felt like his body was brushing mine with every step I took. Though I'd been with more men than I could count, I'd never once felt desire. Sure, there had been times when my body had physically responded, but that had been nothing like what I was feeling now. My skin felt itchy and too tight for my body and it felt like sparks of electricity were going off deep inside my body. My earlier panic had completely dissipated the moment I'd seen Mav and now all I felt was an incredible rush of heat and longing that was so fierce, I actually felt a moment of fear that there was something seriously wrong with me.

By the time we reached the landing at the top of the stairs and I felt the heat of Mav's body at my back, I was a knot of need, and instead of turning the key in the lock once I managed to get it inserted, I just held there and tried to get control of my erratic breathing.

"What's wrong?" Mav asked.

I could only shake my head as my brain and my body warred with one another.

"Eli," Mav whispered.

If he hadn't touched me at the same time, I would have been fine. I would have been able to just collect myself, turn the key in the lock and go inside and make dinner for him like it was something I did every day. But when his fingers settled on my upper arm, I let out a rush of air and turned around and leaned back against the door.

Mav's head was already slightly bent and I wondered if he'd known what I was thinking or if he'd been planning to kiss the back of my neck like he had that day in the garage after he'd spoken the foreign words to me.

We both just held there and I knew just by the way Mav was watching me that if I wanted this, I'd have to take it. The concept was so foreign to me that I wasn't sure I could go through with it. But when Mav shifted just the tiniest bit like he was going to back away, I reached up to snag him by the back of the neck and I held him there as I lifted enough so I could brush my mouth over his. The contact lasted a split second, no more. But the impact was devastating.

Because I'd long ago learned to stop wanting something I couldn't have.

Only my body didn't care because the electricity that was lighting up every one of my cells, the fire that was threatening to consume me – it all collided together in a rush and I was leaning in for another taste before I could even consider what it might cost me.