Chapter 19

Mav

I knew what I was doing was wrong and beyond cruel, but I did it anyway. And not just because I couldn't sleep or because it felt like the few bites of dinner I'd forced down my throat felt like they were going to come back up any second. No, it wasn't any of those things that had me turning the doorknob as quietly as I could in the darkened hallway.

It was because I couldn't fucking breathe.

And it had felt that way from the moment I'd seen my mother's cold, lifeless body lying on a slab of metal with nothing to preserve her dignity but a flimsy blue sheet that looked more like a piece of plastic than anything else. The only thing that had kept me from slamming my fist through the thin piece of glass that had separated me from her had been the long fingers wrapped around mine. I'd been able to suck in enough oxygen from that point on to keep me alive, but I was coming apart inside and I knew there was only one thing that could possibly stop it.

One person, rather.

My expectation was that I would find Eli sound asleep and I hoped that I could just look at him and feel a few moments of peace – enough to hold me over for the next few hours until I could do it again in the morning when we made our way back to the airport. That was how I'd managed to get through dinner with Mace and his men. Because I'd had Eli sitting next to me and I'd gotten to listen to him make polite conversation with Jonas, Mace and Cole. The dinner had definitely been a quiet affair and no one had tried to draw me into the discussions revolving around Jonas's work with the kids he taught or how the threesome was adjusting to living in a big city like New York. I hadn't seen Eli up until that point – not after I'd told Mace we wouldn't be sharing a room and had disappeared into mine like the coward I was. But how the hell was I supposed to explain that if I spent even a few seconds alone with Eli, I'd give in to my need to touch him? To beg him to hold on to me and never let go, no matter what I said or did.

I'd ventured out of my room long enough to hear Mace and Eli talking and while it had been interesting to learn that Mace and his men were still adjusting to building a life together, my main focus had been on the things Eli had said, specifically his references to not being a part of the Barretti family. I'd wanted more than anything to march into the kitchen and demand he explain why he felt that way when everything I'd seen in the few minutes I'd seen Dom and Eli interacting told me different. But I'd stayed in my hidden spot by the stairs on the other side of the wall and hadn't moved until Cole had come home. I'd joined them for dinner when Mace had asked me, but I hadn't lingered afterwards and within a few minutes of closing my own door, I'd heard the door across the hall close too. Six hours of feeling like my lungs were going to shrivel up and die inside of my body had me sneaking across the hall to get my fix.

Except my fix wasn't quietly sleeping and the second I opened the door, my eyes connected with Eli's. The room was dark, but he hadn't closed the curtains so there was enough light from the city street lamps to see his face. He was sitting in an armchair that he'd dragged in front of the balcony doors which were open, allowing the light din of traffic and street noise to filter into the room. And despite it being early summer, the night air was cool enough that the room was almost uncomfortably cold. Eli was still wearing his street clothes and the bed hadn't been disturbed so I had no doubt he'd been in this exact position for a while.

Eli's eyes held mine as I closed the door behind me. I expected him to say something, to ask what I was doing there, but he just stared at me, his eyes shrouded with sadness. I had no idea how much time passed as we watched each other, but Eli was the first to finally move. He pushed up from the chair and walked around it and towards the bed. Once he reached the side of it, his fingers reached up for the first button on his shirt. He never once took his eyes from me as he slowly worked all of the buttons free and then peeled the shirt off and dropped it to the floor. I held my breath as he reached for the button on his pants. I knew I needed to turn around. To walk back out of the room. To pretend I'd never walked into it in the first place.

I didn't do that. I didn't do anything except stand there and watch as Eli unhurriedly revealed his body to me bit by bit. When he was naked, he didn't move, didn't try to cover himself. He just waited…a silent offering.

One I knew I would take…I couldn't pretend that it wasn't the real reason I'd come to his room in the first place.

My feet felt heavy as I made my way to stand in front of him. I waited for him to say something, to ask questions about what this all meant…to insist that it meant something . But he didn't. He just held my gaze for a moment before dropping his eyes so he could search out the hem of my shirt and push it up. He undressed me as slowly as he'd undressed himself and when the last of my clothes hit the floor, I reached for him. He came willingly and matched me kiss for kiss, touch for touch and I finally felt the knot in my chest loosen. I only stopped kissing him long enough to grab the packet of lube from my wallet and then I was lowering him to the bed.

I was too needy to do anything but slather some lube over my length before pushing into Eli's body, but instead of protesting, he held on to me and lifted his hips to meet the powerful thrust that had me bottoming out inside of him in one move. I couldn't stop kissing him as I surged into him over and over and I reveled in the way he clung to me. For all I'd said and done to him, he never held himself back from me as I sought the peace I so desperately craved and when he came apart in my arms, he told me he loved me, setting off my own nearly painful orgasm. When I forced myself to pull free of him and roll off his body, Eli lay there for a few seconds and then climbed to his feet. He didn't say anything as he walked around the bed and disappeared into the bathroom, closing the door behind him. I heard the shower come on a moment later. The dismissal stung and I fought the urge to follow him in there. Except I had no right to expect any different.

I shook my head in disbelief. After everything I'd done and said to him, he'd still told me he loved me.

Self-hatred consumed me as I yanked on my clothes. Eli always had and always would deserve someone better than me. And he'd see that himself in a few short hours when he saw the world I'd come from and that had still rejected me. Then I'd watch him climb on Ronan's plane to go back to a life that didn't and shouldn't include me. And I'd go back to my life the way it had been before I'd ever set eyes on him.

But as I closed Eli's door behind me, I wondered why the hell the idea no longer appealed to me.

Not even a little bit.

"Morning," I heard Jonas say as I entered the kitchen, my bag in hand. I hadn't expected to find anyone up and about since it was only four o'clock in the morning. He was sitting at the table drinking what looked like a homemade latte. The overhead light wasn't on, but the light above the stove was so I didn't have trouble making out his features. His eyes shifted to my bag. "You know Mace as well as anyone," he said. "You really think he'd let you leave like this?"

I didn't even get to answer before I heard the front door open and Mace came into the kitchen. He turned on the overhead lights and leaned against the doorframe. "That was one unhappy cabbie," Mace said. "Had to pay him fifty bucks to take a hike. "

I ground my teeth as I watched Mace walk over to lean down and kiss Jonas. "Are you coming back to bed?"

Jonas shifted his gaze to me, then said, "I'll be up in a few. Cole has to be up in an hour anyway so maybe you want to wake him up now and I'll join you in a bit?"

I didn't miss the suggestive tone in Jonas's voice and clearly Mace hadn't either because the next kiss he laid on Jonas was anything but innocent and sweet. When they finally separated, Jonas was smiling happily and Mace aimed a dark look directly at me. "You owe me fifty bucks," he said before leaving the kitchen. Jonas got up and grabbed a mug off the counter along with a full pot of coffee.

He put it down on the table. "I can make you a latte if you prefer," he said as he motioned to the espresso machine on the counter.

I shook my head and sat down, reaching for the coffee. "This is fine, thank you."

Jonas sat back down and studied me as the stillness of the kitchen was only interrupted by the occasional shifting of the dog that was lying at Jonas's feet. The night before was the first time I'd officially met the young man, but I knew quite a bit about him since I'd been Mace's backup on the case that had introduced him to Jonas. I'd been charged with gathering information on the young artist who'd been a suspect in several sexual assaults against little boys as well as the disappearance of a boy in Boston. While my role had been to pull together the information Mace needed, Mace's job had been to end Jonas's life so he would never hurt another child. And while I'd been assured of the young man's guilt based on the evidence we'd had, Mace had thankfully held back. Because it had ultimately turned out that Jonas had been set up by one of our own guys trying to collect a contract that had been put out on the young man. My own guilt in the role I'd played had kept me from coming back to New York to meet the two men who'd changed Mace's life.

That same guilt was rolling through me now, but it was in good company because it seemed that all I could feel since the moment I'd woken up yesterday morning to answer that fucking phone call was guilt and shame.

"It's not easy, is it?" Jonas asked and I lifted my eyes from where they'd been studying the coffee mug that I suspected one of Jonas's students had made because it had two stick figures on it with art easels and the words I love Mr. Jonas were written in red letters above the image.

"What?" I asked.

"Letting someone in."

I didn't respond, but of course that didn't seem to faze the young man. "There's that moment that you always remember…the one where you finally lose all hope," Jonas murmured softly. "And you have to decide to either go on anyway or just let go."

I watched as Jonas began running his fingers over the inside of his wrist. He kept his eyes there as he said, "And then fate steps in and changes everything." Jonas lifted his eyes and let a smile drift across his face as he removed his hand from his wrist. "Of course, then you have to decide if you're going to take what fate is offering you or if you're going to tell her to fuck off," he added with a light chuckle.

He took a final sip of his latte and stood. I watched as he put the cup in the sink and began to walk past me. I wasn't surprised when he stopped next to me, but he caught me off guard when he leaned down to give me a small hug. "Don't tell her to fuck off, Mav," he whispered and then he was gone, turning off the overhead lights. The dog jumped up from the floor to follow him, leaving me alone in the darkened kitchen. It would be easy enough to call another cab, but I didn't. I didn't do anything except refill my coffee and sit there in the silence.

And waited.