Chapter 10

Eli

"You made me lose twenty bucks."

I glanced at Brennan as he dropped down in the chair next to me. "What?" I asked as I tried to cover up how distracted I was by picking at the piece of cake someone had placed in my hand at some point without me even noticing.

"I had a bet going with Logan that you would be a no-show again," Brennan said with a chuckle and I automatically looked up to search out Logan Barretti, Dom's husband. "Of course, he had insider information about a certain little visit Dom made to your place a few days ago."

The day I'd last seen Mav.

The day Mav had shown me more pleasure in a matter of minutes than I'd ever known in my entire life.

The day I'd finally taken another man into my mouth and actually wanted it…and enjoyed it.

My heart flip flopped painfully at the reminder and I tried to focus on what Brennan was saying. I hadn't actually spoken to Dom more than a few minutes before I'd left my apartment to find Mav and apologize for hurting him. And I'd had no doubt that that was exactly what I'd done when I'd lashed out at him and told him I didn't want him. I'd seen it in his eyes the moment I'd spoken the lie, but the true depth the impact of my words had had on him hadn't become apparent until Mav had bent at the waist and struggled to breathe.

As if I had physically struck him.

When Mav had left, I hadn't been able to focus on anything Dom had said to me. I'd only heard bits and pieces about him being worried about me, and all I'd managed to get out was telling him that I needed to go and that I'd call him later. I hadn't even remembered to turn my oven off. Fortunately, Dom had realized it before he'd left and when I'd called him later that night to explain my abrupt departure, he'd told me I could explain it in person when I attended my welcome home party this weekend. I'd known better than to ignore the subtle order and so when Saturday afternoon had rolled around, I'd forced myself out of bed and made the trip to San Juan Island. But despite my physical presence in Dom and Logan's beautiful island house, it didn't mean I was there mentally.

Maybe if things hadn't ended with Mav the way they had.

And I had no doubt that they'd ended.

Because I'd woken up in his hotel room alone. I'd been curled up on the same chair we'd had our encounter in and there'd been a blanket draped over me. But Mav had been nowhere to be found. No note, no text, no nothing. If I hadn't seen his small overnight bag sitting on a chair near the bed, I would have guessed he'd checked out. When I'd gone to my car, his Harley had been gone. I'd managed to go to the hospital the rest of the week for my volunteer duties, but my heart hadn't been in it. And when Hawke had walked me to my car each night, I hadn't argued or asked if he knew where Mav was.

I may not have ever had any relationships in my past experience to draw from, but I knew enough from what Mav had said in the hotel room. He wanted to fuck me, not date me. And apparently, he wasn't even all that interested in fucking me either.

"Hey," Brennan said as he gave me a little nudge.

"Sorry," I murmured as I tried to pull myself from my sad reverie .

"No problem," Brennan said gently, but he gave up trying to draw me from my funk. I managed to make conversation as other members of the family came to greet me, but by the time I was done, I was barely holding it together. I'd specifically returned to Seattle to be closer to these men and women who'd changed my life, but now that I was here, I felt like an interloper. To them I was Eli Galvez, the kid who'd struggled to overcome a shitty past to have a bright future as a doctor. They had no idea of everything I'd done and been in the years that had passed. They had no idea the secrets I had kept…was still keeping. I was a fraud and I had no right to immerse myself in their world.

It wasn't until Sweetie, Logan and Dom's German Shepherd, pushed her muzzle into my hands that I realized my stress levels were increasing. I hadn't brought Baby with me because he wasn't overly fond of spending long periods of time in the car, but now I was regretting it. My skin felt itchy and I subtly glanced at my watch to see when I could make my escape. To my dismay, I'd only been at the party for a couple of hours and guessed that I had to put in at least another hour before I could start making my excuses about needing to leave.

"Here," I heard Dom say and I looked up to see him standing in front of me, a bottle of soda in his hand.

"Thanks," I murmured.

"Let's take a walk."

I nodded and followed him to the back door. Tanner, Dom and Logan's eight-year-old son came barreling after us and threw himself into Dom's arms. "Papa, can we play football now?"

Dom hugged Tanner and then lifted him high over his shoulder so that Tanner was hanging precariously over his back. "In a little bit," he said as he gave the boy a swat on his bottom.

My chest constricted as I watched Dom right the boy and then hold him for several long seconds against his chest. Tanner seemed used to his father's prolonged hugs and didn't squirm to get away. When Dom finally released him, I wasn't surprised when Tanner wrapped his arms around my middle and said, "Welcome home, Eli. "

And then he was off like a shot to rejoin Logan who was holding his and Dom's young daughter, Sylvie. I watched as Logan cast Dom a sidelong glance. It was a look I'd seen a thousand times and that hadn't dimmed in the nearly nine years they'd been together. It was a look I'd once hoped I would one day share with someone.

I had to tear my eyes away from the two men as they silently communicated and I ended up walking outside ahead of Dom. I waited for him to catch up and then followed him down to the water where there was a large beach as well as a dock, where a massive boat was moored.

"I spoke to your dad today," Dom began.

I swallowed hard and forced every bit of normalcy into my voice as I could when I said, "Oh yeah?"

"Yeah. He seemed worried about you. Said you seemed a bit distracted these days."

I flinched at that, but kept my mouth shut. My insides felt like they were going to explode though.

"He was hoping I could convince you to move back home. Says he knows a guy at Johns Hopkins who can reinstate your admission."

I kept my attention on the dock as we began walking towards the end of it.

"I'm sure your mom is missing you," Dom added.

"The UW is a better fit," I murmured non-committedly.

"Eli, you know we're all glad you're back…"

Dom let his words hang in the air and I was glad when he didn't finish them. I knew it would be next to impossible to keep anything from this man, but my hope was that he wouldn't push for answers and that once I started school, I'd have the excuse of the heavy workload to explain away my demeanor.

"How did things work out with your guy?" Dom asked once we reached the end of the dock. "Mav, right?"

I nodded and forced a swallow of soda down. "He's not my guy," I managed to say. "We're just friends."

"Whatever I walked in on didn't look like it was just about friends. "

"Dom…"

"Okay, okay," Dom said as he put his hands up in supplication. "Can't blame a guy for worrying," he said with a chuckle. "You want to protect your kids from the harshness of life for as long as you can, you know?"

I nearly bent over in pain at that and I actually dropped my soda. It hit the dock with a splat, spraying all over our shoes. "Shit," I bit out as I tried to get control of my shaking hand. Luckily, Dom was distracted by trying to grab the bottle before it rolled into the water so he didn't notice my predicament.

Fuck. How many times had I wished Dom had seen me as his own kid?

And now it was just too fucking late.

"You okay?" Dom asked, his voice heavy with worry as he snatched the bottle up and glanced at me.

"Yeah," I said quickly. "Sorry."

"You sure?"

I nodded. "Yep. I've just been a little tired. You know, with what happened to Nick, the move…"

Dom nodded. "Your dad says Caleb's been struggling, but that they found him a good therapist and that he seems to be back on track now. And your mom is keeping busy with the VA."

I managed to nod in agreement even though my skin felt like something was crawling just beneath the surface. "It's been tough," I said and I automatically began walking back towards the house.

I needed to get the hell out of there.

"Dom," I said as we reached the shore. "Do you mind if I head home? I'm really tired and I need to check on Baby."

Dom studied me for a moment and then nodded. "Yeah, sure."

I glanced back at the house and then managed to mumble, "Can you say my goodbyes for me?"

I was already walking towards the side of the house so that I wouldn't have to go through it and see everyone again when I heard Dom say yes and wish me a safe trip home. By the time I reached my car, I could feel the bile churning deep in my belly and it didn't start to ease until I reached the ferry dock almost twenty minutes away. My fingers wouldn't stop shaking as I got out of the car and went up to the top level of the boat to watch the approach to the mainland. I heard my phone beep with a text message, but bitter disappointment curled through me when I saw that it was Brennan asking if I was okay. I sent him a quick text back telling him I was good and that I'd call him later. Instead of putting the phone away, I pulled up Mav's contact and stared at his phone number.

What would he do if I called? Texted?

Would he answer or ignore me?

Was he still even in town?

I jammed the phone back in my pocket and drew in several long breaths of air in the hopes it would help calm me, but even the long process of getting the car off the ferry in Anacortes did nothing to ease my jitters. And two hours later when I pulled into the city, I bypassed my apartment. In my mind I knew where I was going even though I told myself how stupid it was. The sight of Mav's hotel did nothing to ease my anxiety, but when I saw his Harley sitting in the familiar spot in the parking garage, I finally took my first real breath.

Maybe it would have been smarter just to leave things at that. To know that he was still in the same city. To hope that maybe our paths would cross at the hospital and I could find some way to draw him into conversation.

Except his voice wouldn't be enough. His touch wouldn't be enough. I needed more. I needed to be the me that only he seemed to be able to draw out. I needed to not feel sick with guilt or fear or doubt for just a few minutes.

I had several chances to turn around between the car and his door, but once the idea had taken root inside my brain, it was all I could think about. I needed Mav, pure and simple. I didn't understand why he made me feel different. I didn't know how things would go between us. I didn't even know for sure that he would talk to me. But none of that kept me from rapping my knuckles on his door and waiting with bated breath. Relief went through me when the door unlocked and then opened. Mav's dark green eyes looked me up and down as he leaned against the open door, but he didn't say anything and neither did I. When he finally stepped back and put his hand on the door like he was going to close it, I wanted to die inside. But when all he did was open it wider and move out of the way to let me in, I knew anything that happened going forward would be my choice. I just had to take the step forward.

So that was what I did.

I couldn't stifle my cry of relief when Mav's mouth closed over mine. He hadn't said a word, hadn't pointed out that what was about to happen was a one-time thing, that it wouldn't mean anything. And the kiss…

God, I felt everything in the way his lips caressed mine. He was both gentle and insistent, but there was no rush in the way he kissed me. One of his hands came up to caress my neck as the other pressed against my lower back, urging me closer to him. I lifted my arms to wrap them around his shoulders and felt the dampness of his hair which was hanging loose. I let my fingers tangle in the softness of it and when Mav released my mouth long enough to skim his lips along my jaw and down my throat, the emotion became too much and I had to bury my face against his shoulder. I hated that I couldn't get a grip on myself, but if Mav noticed, he didn't say anything. He just held me tighter and kept pressing soft kisses to any part of me he could reach without having to relinquish his hold on me.

I didn't know how to tell him how afraid I'd been that I'd never have this moment with him. This moment where it was just the two of us. This moment where he made me feel whole without even trying.

So I didn't say anything. Instead, I searched out his mouth and tried to tell him that way. He met every one of my kisses with the same gentle sweetness, but his hands were busily stroking all over my back and ass. Our cocks brushed against one another every time we shifted even a little bit and within minutes, our kisses turned deep and needy. Mav's fingers curled around my ass and lifted me and I instinctively wrapped my legs around his waist. The position felt awkward at first until I realized the move had put my mouth just a little higher than his. I took complete advantage and stole into his mouth with my tongue. I used my hands to brush his long hair back from his face and when I ended the kiss, he tried to follow me. I let my fingers roam over his face, testing every texture. His brow, his nearly perfectly straight nose, the little bit of facial hair covering his jaw, his smooth lips. And then I held his eyes with mine as I leaned in and brushed my lips over his in the briefest of kisses. I did it over and over, never taking my eyes off of him. And I knew the instant he saw what I'd wanted him to see, because he sucked in a sharp breath and pulled back just a little to study me a second before he slammed his mouth down on mine and took complete control of the kiss, of me, of everything.

I had no fear as Mav walked us both to the bedroom and I barely noticed when he laid me down on the soft comforter because his mouth was consuming mine. I still had my legs wrapped around his waist as he settled his weight on me, but the second I hit the bed, his hands found mine and he linked them together with his and held them above my head. His hips rocked against mine feverishly as he kissed me over and over and I knew it wouldn't take much to push me over the edge. I had no idea if Mav sensed how close I was or if he was in the same boat, but he suddenly released my hands and lifted off of me enough to limit the contact between our groins.

"No," I whispered before I could stop myself, the neediness in my voice off the charts. Fuck, I was such a raw mess of need that I was certainly going to scare him off, especially considering this whole thing was just supposed to be about sex. I bit into my lip hard to keep myself from begging him not to leave me.

Mav watched me for so long that I began to truly worry that I'd ruined the whole thing. But instead of stepping back, he reached out and used his thumb to free my lower lip from the death grip my teeth had on it. The rough pad swiped over the tender flesh several times, easing some of the sting. And then he leaned over me, bracing himself on his other arm. Our mouths were mere centimeters apart, but he didn't kiss me .

"Don't hide from me," Mav said softly and then he did kiss me. A quick brush of his mouth over mine. "You don't see it, do you?" he asked.

"See what?" I somehow managed to get out.

"How fucking beautiful you are…how perfect."

I felt tears sting my eyes at his words. I didn't even realize I was shaking my head until he said, "Yes," and then kissed me again. Longer. Deeper. "Tell me what has you so afraid," he breathed against my mouth.

Maybe if he hadn't been brushing his fingers through my hair as he said it or if he hadn't kept pressing tiny kisses against my lips, I could have held it together. But his words, his touch – they cracked open something deep inside of me and I couldn't stem the tears that fell. "I'm afraid you'll leave me," I whispered as I closed my eyes. "I'm afraid this will all be some cruel dream and I'll wake up any second alone again…"

Humiliation coursed through me as tears slipped unchecked down my face. But instead of pulling back, Mav used his fingers and his mouth to soak up my hot tears and when I finally settled, I heard him whisper, "I've tried."

"Tried what?" I asked, my voice sounding dry and scratchy.

"Leaving."

I stiffened at that, but when I instinctively tried to move away from him, he dropped all his weight down on me. One of his hands closed over one of mine and his long fingers began stroking back and forth over my palm as if trying to soothe me.

"Every day for the last three days I packed my shit, checked out of this room and got on my Harley and pointed it in a different direction, not caring where I ended up," Mav said quietly as he continued to pepper my mouth with small kisses. "And every day I turned around and came back and got this same room and waited and hoped."

My stomach dropped out as I realized what he was saying. I shook my head in disbelief. "You didn't call or text…"

Mav kissed me again, deeper this time. He lifted just long enough to whisper, "I leave so I don't get left," and then his mouth sealed over mine and I knew he was done talking. His final words hung in my brain as he began to kiss me, desperately, as if the admission had opened some kind of floodgate for him. I met every demanding kiss with equal fervor and when he pulled me upright so I could sit astride him as he sat back on his heels, I wrapped both my arms and legs around him so there was practically no space between us. Mav reached behind his neck with one arm and managed to pull his T-shirt off in one clean sweep. He tossed the garment aside and ran his hand through his hair to push it back, giving me an unfettered view of his broad chest. I sucked in a breath at the sight of the large tattoo that spanned the upper half of his body.

A phoenix.

"Oh my God," I breathed as I let my fingers trail over the bird's broad wings and long body. While the color was mostly black with hints of red in the wings and long tail, the detail work was very intricate and beautifully done and it felt like at any moment the beautiful creature would continue its ascent from the fiery ashes from which it had been born.

"It's beautiful," I said as I explored every curve and line. I looked up to see Mav watching me intently. "You're beautiful," I whispered as his dark eyes held mine. He didn't say anything, but the arm wrapped around my waist tightened imperceptibly and then he was drawing me up against his chest for another kiss. We were both breathless and desperately rubbing against each other for relief when he pulled back.

"I need you," he finally said and I heard the tremor in his voice. For any other man I had no doubt the words would have been easy ones to say, but for Mav, I suspected they cost him so much more.

I leave so I don't get left.

I couldn't make sense of what could have happened to this beautiful man to make him think I would ever turn away from him, but I knew that was exactly what he was afraid of. I clasped his face with both my hands and told him the one thing I knew he needed to hear more than anything else in that moment.

"Yes."