Chapter 9

Ash

"H appy birthday, kiddo," Aiden said while ruffling my hair until it looked like I had been electrocuted by lightning.

"Thanks," I chuckled, moving my hand over my head to fix the mess he created.

"What's it like to be a young man of eighteen? Is the weight of the adult world already weighing on your young shoulders?"

I rolled my eyes at him, and Aiden laughed. His sense of humor was almost as bad as Kai's. Suddenly, deep sadness hit me. Today would be the first time in years I'd spend my birthday without Kai. Each year, we would go out of our way to do something crazy for the other's birthday. When I turned seventeen, Kai had kidnapped me from school for a weekend in Palm Springs. It would have been perfect if not for the near heart attack he gave me by covering my head with a bag and pushing me into his car. The first few minutes, I actually thought I was being abducted.

"So, where are we going to eat tonight?" Mom asked after she joined us in the living room.

"How about fish tacos?" I suggested, my stomach already making sounds of agreement.

"Whatever you want, birthday boy." She winked, then picked up her wallet. "Is it going to be just the three of us?"

Just the three of us . Way to rub salt into the wound, Mom . I was about to tell her yes, that Kai wouldn't be joining us, when my phone rang, and I saw it was Rob. Since I'd taken the day off, it was weird for him to be calling.

"I'll be right back," I announced to the room before stepping out of the living room to take the call.

"I've got something that belongs to you," Rob grunted the second I picked up, sounding pissed off. "Come and pick him up right now!" With that, he ended the call.

"Who was that?" Mom asked after I grabbed the keys to my truck off the table.

"It's Rob, something about work. I need to go there quickly, so we'll go once I'm back. Alright?"

Mom and Aiden exchanged odd looks. "Is everything cool?" she asked.

"Yeah." I have no idea. "I'll be back soon."

Stepping into the packed restaurant, I tracked Rob in his usual spot behind the counter.

"In the back," he grunted, pointing his thumb over his shoulder before I could even say hello.

Taking a deep breath, I rubbed my palms together and began walking toward the kitchen, hoping my suspicion would be wrong. Only that it wasn't, and just like I feared, I found Kai half sprawled on the kitchen floor, either drunk or high.

"We had to pour some water on top of his head to wake him up," said the cook with his Russian accent and an amused smile.

So that explains the wet clothes. At least it isn't piss.

While seeing Kai this way broke my fucking heart, it also infuriated me. Why the hell was he drunk so early in the evening? The last time Kai and I had talked, combined with what Zoe had told me and his absence from school, turned on all the red lights in my head. And if before I had suspicions something was wrong, tonight confirmed them all.

With a deep sigh, I crouched beside him. "Hey," I whispered, putting my hand on his cheek. "Kai."

He grimaced and then squeezed his eyes before blinking them open. His pupils were blown to the size of a coin, and he was clearly out of it.

"Ashy?" He grinned, his voice wavy. "Happy birthday, Ashy." His smile spread wider, and he placed his hand on top of mine while his blue eyes looked at me as if everything was normal. But then, his face paled, and he shifted his head aside to hurl into the pot that was already full of his vomit.

Rubbing his back, I looked aside while trying not to gag myself. The sound and smell always made me feel sick.

"Yeah, buddy, let it all out," I sighed, patting his back.

"Ha!" the cook laughed with his rolling accent. "Good thing we put pot there, yes?"

Ten minutes later, I managed to drag Kai's heavy ass into my truck, and after a thirty-minute drive, I pulled the car into our favorite shore parking lot. It stood empty, as it was already too late to surf, but the ocean breeze would help sober him up.

Kai had fallen asleep the minute his ass hit the car's seat and slept through the whole ride. Since he was still dozing off, I grabbed my hoodie from the back seat and got out of the car. Putting it on, I leaned back against the hood with my hands shoved in the front pockets and watched the horizon. There was something so threatening about the spreading ocean that, funnily enough, made it look peaceful.

A couple of minutes later, I pulled out my phone and texted Mom, letting her know we'd have to rain check tonight's dinner while also promising her she had no reason to worry. I pocketed my phone when the truck's door opened, and Kai got out.

"What are we doing here?" he asked, voice heavy with sleep, while rubbing his eyes.

From his annoyed tone and deep grimace, I could already tell he'd sobered up a bit.

"I took us for a drive so you'd sober up."

"Why would you do that?" he hissed.

"Maybe because you showed up at Rob's dead-ass drunk," I pointed out, my brows pinched close as I gave him an annoyed look. "What's going on with you?"

Rounding the truck, Kai stopped right before me. Moving his eyes up and down my body, he touched the hem of my hoodie. "That's cute," he said, ignoring what I'd just asked.

"Kai—"

"Lilac was always your color."

He was acting weird, even more so as he stepped closer.

"Are you listening to me?"

"I get why Zoe wanted it, although it wouldn't look as good on her."

Why was he saying that all of a sudden while moving his hands to grab my hips?

"Everything was okay until you decided to confess," he whispered, his eyes not meeting mine. "Everything was fine until you changed it." There was anger in his voice, anger that made me feel guilty.

So guilty.

"You could have just lied. Told me it was all bullshit and that you weren't gay, but instead, you had to be honest?" His mouth twisted like speaking hurt him.

"It's who I am."

He let out a fake laugh. "Seriously? After years of keeping it a secret, suddenly, it's who you are?"

His words reeked of hate the same way his breath reeked from booze and vomit.

"You could have lied and saved us from this shit, but you didn't." He leaned closer, his lips hovering over my skin. "And now, I can't stop thinking about you." While keeping one hand on my hips, he moved the other to my face. "I can't help but think what it would be like to kiss you again." He dragged the pads of his fingers over my lips. "To hold you." He grabbed me tighter until our bodies were pressed together. "To fuck you."

Despite his words and how close he held me, it wasn't lust driving his actions but pain.

Disgust .

His bottom lip trembled as his whole face twisted with hurt. "No matter what I try to do to make those sick thoughts go away, they won't."

Sick . My love for him wasn't natural but a perversion. Something he wished wasn't there. Something I wished wasn't there.

My eyes stung, and my throat turned dry with the tears I tried to swallow back. No matter how right kissing Soren felt or how kind Mom and Aiden were when I came out, when faced with reality, I once again felt ashamed. I believed that Kai blaming me for something I couldn't control was justified. His fury was okay because I ruined what we had.

Taking a deep breath, I placed my arm between us in an attempt to make him move away. Kai didn't budge and, in a sharp move, grabbed my body and turned me around so I faced the car.

My nerves kicked in at the same time my heart rate increased.

"K-Kai?"

"You ruined me," he hissed, his hands going down my body while he lowered down until his lips grazed my nape. "You fucking ruined me."

The next thing I knew, he pulled my pants and boxer briefs down to my thighs while pushing my head against the hood of the truck. Fear struck me, and I tried to look over my shoulder, only to find him fumbling with his zipper.

Standing here, with my bare ass out and my body bent, I could still fight him. I knew I had the strength to push him off me if I wanted to, but that was the thing—I didn't.

I was the one who'd brought Kai to this place, where he was crying his heart out while rubbing his hard dick on my ass. I was the reason he consumed all this shit that was ruining him from the inside. I was the one to break him first, so it was only fair for him to break me, too. And so, I didn't push him off and instead closed my eyes and bit my lip as he began moving his hips.

He didn't penetrate me but instead pushed his dick between my thighs and used them to get off. I never imagined being held by him would make me feel this lonely, but it did. With each thrust, more of his tears landed on my back and neck; each weighed more than the other.

He didn't ask for permission to do this, but he also didn't force himself on me. Not in the slightest. I allowed him to do this, to use me, because it felt like the least I could do after pushing him to this position.

Hugging his arms around me, he desperately held on to me as he increased his pace until his body shuddered, and he swore under his heavy breath. His cock throbbed and pulsed a second before he spilled between my thighs.

"S-Shit," he hissed, then stepped back, giving me space to digest what just happened.

Taking a deep breath, I ignored my flaccid dick and pulled my pants back up. It felt wet and uncomfortable, but mostly, the cum dripping down my legs filled me with regret. Regret for ever allowing my heart to fall for him.

After I fixed myself, I turned to find Kai walking around in circles, his fingers running through his messy hair.

"Kai." I tried to reach for his shoulder.

"Don't touch me!" he shouted, then punched me right in the face, sending me to the ground.

I landed on my arm, and it hurt like a bitch. But before I could dive deeper into the throbbing ache in my wrist or the blood coming out of my nose, Kai sat on top of me and yanked me by the collar of my hoodie.

"I was straight until you said those things to me." Tears ran down his flushed face. "But you said them and put those sick thoughts in my head. Now, everything is fucked-up." His voice turned tight with crying. "You ruined my fucking life," he wept as he bent down and buried his head in the crook of my neck.

It was beyond me how, despite what he claimed, he still held on to me. He was being so hurtful, selfishly stealing more pieces of my aching soul at the same time he was hugging me. But loving him was stronger than my reason, so I wrapped my arms around his trembling body and hugged him close. Squeezing my eyes shut, I listened to him cry while taking a deep inhale of his scent. It was unfamiliar, reeking of booze and whatnot. The direct opposite of the summer I once associated him with.

We stayed in this position on the ground until he stopped crying and moved from above me. Now, sitting with his back against the car, he rubbed his face with his dirty palms.

After cleaning the blood from my nose with the sleeve of my hoodie, I moved to sit beside him. Usually, I enjoyed the silence because I wasn't the type of person who needed to fill the void with words, but not this type of deadly stillness that made it hard to breathe.

"I know you're probably confused right now," I began saying, trying to think of the right words. "And I know that it's hard on you because of your parents, but—"

"It's not that," he rasped, and even though he was trying to make me stop talking, I didn't allow it.

I have to tell him it will be okay. While I had Mom and Aiden by my side, Kai had no support at home. He was probably freaking out, the same way I was only a few weeks ago. If not more . And because I was the one making him doubt everything he thought about himself, coming to me wasn't an option.

"Kai, listen to me. Everything will be back to normal before you—"

"Zoe's pregnant."

My heart stopped, and it felt like I was just kicked in the chest by a professional soccer player. It was so shocking that, like an idiot, I asked him to repeat what he'd just said.

"She's pregnant." His voice cracked, and he buried his face in his hands as he began crying again. "My life is fucking over."

All of a sudden, I realized his fear. And while I wished to make him feel better, I had no idea how. They were both still seventeen, in high school, with big plans for the future. Having a baby was definitely the worst thing that could happen to either of them at this point in life, and Kai knew it, hence why he was breaking down.

Pressing my lips together, I placed my hand on his shoulder. "Kai, it's not the end of the world. There are things you can do—"

"There's nothing I can do!" he snapped, pushed my hand away and got up. "Absolutely nothing I can do." Rubbing his face, he shook his head. "I'm seventeen, going to have a baby with a girl I don't even like, while all I can think about is my best friend's dick." After hissing those pitiful words, he pulled out a pack of smokes from his pocket and tried to light one. A few sparks lit up the night, but the cigarette didn't catch the fire. "Fuck!" he shouted, tossing the lighter to the ground.

I stood, picked the lighter off the sand, and moved my fingers over the broken plastic. It was one of the cheap kinds, with an ugly picture of a pink cat on it. We'd bought it together when we were sixteen because the image made us laugh.

"Here." I offered it to him.

Not taking it back from me, Kai's eyes moved from my hand to my face before he broke our stare and began walking away.

"Hey, where are you going?" I asked nervously. It was getting late, and we were miles away from the city.

"Doesn't fucking matter."

"Kai!" I shouted after him, but that didn't make him stop.

"Just piss off, Ash, and leave me the fuck alone."