8. Silent Degradation

SILENT DEGRADATION

I'm daydreamingat my desk again. It's been a problem all week. I'm fantasizing about a faceless man who wears suits and what he's going to do to me tonight.

I'll be exposed, completely at his will, and the thrill of it all makes it hard to concentrate.

The point of this all was exploration, giving myself something that I've wanted for a long time. Yet, I find myself falling into old habits.

Wayne, my stranger, consumes too much of my thoughts, just like every man I've fallen for way too quickly.

Part of me thinks I should stop. Actually, no, the rational side of me absolutely knows I should stop. The more I meet up with him, the more I'm going to wonder, daydream, and contemplate the kind of man he is.

I should have just stuck to masturbation, or maybe I should switch up partners at Key Club.

But the idea of choosing someone else seems like more of a risk than anything. Wayne could be meeting other people, but part of me doesn't think so, at least not yet. God, I'm truly fucking pathetic. Am I seriously getting jealous over the idea of a man I gave anonymous head to doing the same with other women?

I rub my forehead, willing the thoughts to dissipate as a grating voice interrupts my wayward spiral.

"Penny, I need these copied and ready to go for my meeting with the county athletic board," Tabitha says, dropping a stack of papers on my desk.

I give her a smile and breathe through my nose before heading over to the scanner to do the wench's bidding.

It's not like it's rocket science to stick the stack of papers on one side of the machine and wait for the others to come out. I really should stick up for myself, tell her to fuck herself and make her own copies. But despite how much I hate Tabitha, there's part of me that doesn't want her to hate me back.

I need to find a new job and possibly a spine.

What would I be good at? I like kids, but I can't imagine being around them all day. Even though the idea of being a nanny has some appeal, at least when little kids boss you around, it's not out of malice. Maybe I'll make a pros and cons list about what I like doing at Kemper's to see if I can find something else suitable that doesn't require a higher education.

If only I could go back in time and shake myself for ditching second semester to go on tour with my boyfriend at the time.

I need to schedule an appointment with my therapist sooner than later. There's too much going on to filter through this all on my own. My need for love and affection from men has led me to have no close friends, so I really only have my mom, Sharon, and my therapist to rely on.

Christ, things are looking bleak.

"Everything okay, Pen?" Aiden says behind me and I nod my head. "You really should tell her to do that herself."

"It's alright."

"I'm going to head to the hospital. Things aren't looking so great," he says.

I squeeze his arm, and he looks down.

"If you need anything, Aiden, just let me know."

"Can you just keep an eye on my email and flag anything important?"

"You've got it."

"Thanks, Pen."

He packs up for the day and heads out to see his ailing friend. Collin might have been a good twenty-something years older than Aiden, but they still had a close friendship.

New item on the finding who I am and what I want to be—get a fucking friend.

Again,I know it doesn't matter what I wear, but the idea of looking good, even though Mr. Wayne has no idea, appeals to me.

I didn't go for sexy tonight, more so cute, in a yellow sundress that hugs my breasts and flares at the waist.

I'm really doing this.

My leg shakes in the backseat of my driver's car as he pulls up to the location. I give him a tip on the app, and he barely even acknowledges me as I step out and wait for my code.

It feels like my stomach is upside down while I wait. It's a mix of eagerness and anxiety.

This is something I always wanted, or at least a taste of it. Doing something seedy or seen as wrong while knowing I'm safe, that nothing truly bad can happen.

It's a fantasy, one that this stranger is going to bring to life.

I'm probably delusional, but I know it's going to be good. I know I'm going to leave this place on wobbly legs and yearning for more. Yet, I'm still going through with it. I'm not denying myself this sexual experience, even if it's only adding to my list of emotional issues.

No matter what happens in this building tonight, I'll learn something about myself, and that was why I signed up for Avalon and the Key Club. I just can't let it get to my head. It's just a sexual encounter, nothing more, I remind myself as my phone vibrates in my purse.

"Fuck," I groan as I pull out my phone and look at the code.

I open the first row of doors and the gold glittering heart on the door taunts me as I put in the code and enter the room.

Just like before, it's dimly lit with music playing. I peek through the half-heart-shaped hole to view the other side. They're nearly identical.

There's a table off to the side with condoms, and I grab the small vibrator out of my purse and place it on the table next to the basket.

A few deep breaths later, I'm placing my purse and panties on the table before climbing up on the leather bed. I don't bother with my dress or bra, because he won't be able to see them, anyway.

The leather is cool against my ass and lower back as I slide down. My hair spills around me as I scoot all the way to the entrance, sliding my exposed lower half into the vacant space.

There are stirrups if you want them. Instead, I just place my feet against the wall. I swallow thickly, my heart racing in my chest as I think about what he's going to see when he walks into the room.

I guess it's no different when I was on the other side of the wall. But I'm completely exposed to him. All he'll be able to see is my exposed pussy and ass when he walks in. The rest of me is a mystery.

The idea of him using me and taking me the way he wants is what has me pushing the button, showing that I'm ready.

I can stop this at any time, though every fiber of me knows I won't. As nervous as I am, I still want this so bad.

I place my shaky hands against my thundering heart as I wait. The waiting somehow feels like the worst part. The anticipation of what he's going to do is all-consuming.

My body is completely at his mercy. This man I don't know is about to own me for the night, and I'm eager for it.

The music is too loud, not glaringly so, just too loud to hear if he's entering the room or not. He could be staring at my pussy that is already wet with the promise of what he's going to do with me.

Will he be gentle? Rough? Quick? Or menacingly slow?

The top of the entrance is pressing against the bottom of my thighs, creating a snug fit. I know I'm going to be sore tomorrow, and that thought makes me even more excited.

This dirty little secret is all mine.

There's no judgment, just impending gratification. At least I hope.

I'm waiting for what feels like minutes on end. Did he not show? Did he change his mind?

I suddenly gasp as what feels like a thumb dragging along my pussy from my clit to my entrance. How long has he been there just staring at me?

My cheeks heat and my breathing increases. The vulnerability of my situation is heady and I swallow as he just drags his fingers through my wetness. I'm already dripping down my ass.

It should be embarrassing, but I only feel more turned on by the idea of him hard and stroking himself while looking at my dripping, needy cunt.

His fingers leave my clit and I moan, attempting not to move too much, not that there's much wiggle room with the way I'm positioned.

All I feel is the cool air against my wet pussy, making me clench.

Is he watching?

Does he like watching me beg with my body?

Not being able to see or hear him adds a level of wrongness to the situation that I can't deny. Letting this stranger touch me and use me however he pleases is thrilling in a way I didn't expect.

I'm so wet, it's nearly obscene. I can feel a trail of moisture dripping from my entrance.

The stranger on the other side of the wall touches me again, his fingers gathering the release and shoving it back in my pussy.

My lips part on a silent moan.

The only thing I can hear is my pulse and the instrumental music filling the room.

There's a soft press of lips against my mound, and I gasp. I wasn't expecting the touch or the tenderness. His tongue laps right above my clit, trailing down until he's leisurely sucking on my clit.

He's making this last.

Why do I find that so charming?

Something's fucking wrong with me.

He's slow, sensual, borderline teasing with his tongue. His goal isn't to make me come, no, he wants to draw this out, knowing that I'm at his mercy.

I savor it as much as I want to bang on the wall and beg. I'm not sure what I would beg for because he's doing all the right things, making me ache for it.

His fingers press inside of me, slow and methodical, while his tongue circles my clit. I'm not quiet and I'm not sure how much he can hear through the wall and over the music, but I don't care.

Suddenly, his fingers slide out of me and his tongue leaves my clit.

"Fuck," I complain under my breath.

I'm torn between wanting him to drag this out for all our allotted time in the room, and also wanting him to take away this endless need.

My thighs start to tremble against the wall and I swear to God I hear him laugh. It's muffled between the wall, but I know that he laughed.

It makes me wetter. It makes me more curious.

His laugh is dangerous, and addictive in a way that seduces my need for a deeper connection.

He's probably just staring at the way my cunt is milking air, begging to be fucked. He thinks it's funny watching me suffer. This stranger I don't know gets off on this just as much as I do, and I can't help the connection I feel towards them.

This understanding this faceless man has of me, that none of my previous sexual partners have had is overwhelming. I wait impatiently, my arms wrapping around my calves, trying to release some of the strain as I wait for his next move.

I gasp as his flesh smacks against my pussy lips.

Suddenly he's gone again and I want to scream, but before I can, I feel his breath along my pussy lips before a drop of spit slides down my slit.

He squeezes my ass, spreading me wide. I can only imagine what I look like as he slides the head of his cock through my spit covered pussy before sliding into me.

I hold on to the table beneath me as he pushes deep inside of me. My walls accommodate his significant length and I wonder if he can hear my needy moans of pleasure.

Unlike everything else, this isn't a slow introduction as he fucks me deeply, bottoming out, and filling me completely.

His thrusts aren't brutal, but they are deep and languid.

The way I know he's watching his length slide in and out of me has me arching my back and gripping the table to the point I know my knuckles are white.

It feels so right and wrong at the same time. How can a man I've never seen or spoken to work my body in a way no one else has ever been able to manage?

His thighs rub against my ass and I moan, feeling the combined wetness of my arousal and his spit collecting on the bench. For a long moment he doesn't move, just rests deep inside of me, feeling my pussy flutter around him.

The sound of buzzing is barely audible, but the sensation is immediate as he presses the vibrator against my clit as he fucks me.

My thighs tremble and moans of uninhibited, fearless pleasure rip from my throat. My nails scratch against the bench and I'm so fucking close.

I'm right there on the precipice. My impending orgasm is begging to be released and my back arches off the bench, my legs writhing in both pain and a need for both of us to come.

He pulls out and removes the toy.

The annoyed groan that leaves me is comical and I wonder if he enjoys how much he's torturing me.

He slaps the head of his cock against my clit three times before placing the small vibrator between us; the sensation radiating around my clit and the head of his cock.

Again, I'm so close, if he would just fill me up.

"Please," I whisper to myself, knowing he can't hear but needing the words involuntarily slipping from my lips.

He pulls away again, and I'm so close to shoving myself away from this wall and begging, when he suddenly thrusts roughly inside of me, cutting off any thoughts of moving from this position.

The vibrator is back on my clit and he fucks me like he owns me.

My body is his and I don't even know him.

He moves the vibrator to the right spot and I completely fall apart. My stomach tensing, my thighs shaking as I milk his cock and reach my peak. My breaths come out in shallow pants as he fucks me throughout my release. He doesn't move the vibrator or stop pounding into me even as my body shakes and pleads for reprieve.

There's a bang against the wall and his hips stutter as he comes. He doesn't turn the vibrator off right away and I'm about to shout at how oversensitive I feel, but he graciously turns it off.

He stays inside of me for a long moment.

How can something feel so intimate while being so impersonal? He cups my ass, sliding out of me.

I wait for the light to turn green so I can leave. I know I'm a drenched, exposed mess, but I take the time to breathe and get myself together.

There's a soft press of lips against my clit, and a few moments later the light turns green.

If I'm not mistaken, the stranger on the other side of the wall is trying to seduce me.