10. What I Got

WHAT I GOT

He doesn't requestme again.

I'm at my desk feeling desperate and unnervingly pathetic as I look at my phone repeatedly to see if I get a notification.

There's still a deep ache and tenderness in my thighs from nights ago. It was memorable for me and still lingering, but it wasn't for him.

I'm really trying and failing to not be in my feelings about it.

Work keeps me busy as I monitor things for Aiden and do menial tasks. Maybe I should look through the profiles again and see if there's someone else who interests me, or maybe this is a sign that I shouldn't be doing this.

Seeking validation from some random man who made me come super hard is truly a new low. Daydreaming and worrying about what he thinks about me shouldn't even be on my radar. Why did I think I could handle this?

My work email chimes, it's from Zach Kemper. His father has passed.

The office goes quiet. I can hear Sharon and Ed softly crying, and I have to wipe a tear from my face. Even though I haven't worked here as long as the others, he's had an impact on everyone in this office.

I text Aiden to make sure he's okay.

I'm so sorry, Aiden. Let me know if you need anything.

Aiden

Can you send everyone home early and just check in on my email?

Of course.

I write up an email and send it to everyone in the office, telling them to take the day and that funeral information will be sent out as soon as we have the details. Everyone is downtrodden and sad as they leave. I stay at the office and wonder what that type of loss feels like.

I do everything I can to make Aiden's life easier before I head home.

There's still no notification and my fragile ego has a hard time dealing with the rejection as I sit on the couch of my empty apartment.

Nothing like someone's death makes you introspect on your own life. If I left this world tomorrow, what would I leave behind? Who would I leave behind? The thought just makes me sadder when I realize only a handful of people would care, and my imprint on the world is barely even a speck of dust.

The funeral is tasteful;the room packed with people who loved Collin. Lincoln drove me so we could both support Aiden. Multiple members of the office are here, along with his friends and family.

Lincoln looks around the room and leans in to whisper to me.

"I knew he had a lot of friends, but Jesus Christ."

I shrug my shoulders and look at the new and familiar faces alike.

"Does it make you think about who would be at your funeral when you die?" I ask, looking at him seriously.

He doesn't make a joke or look at me like I'm crazy when he says it.

"That was actually my exact thought. I didn't know you were just as fucked up as me, Pen."

"I think I'd be able to at least fill the first row. I don't know about you, though."

His mouth gapes open and he knocks me with his knee and I wince.

"What's wrong?" he says, looking down at me.

"Started a new workout tape," I lie. How my legs still hurt nearly five days later is beyond me, but I was squeezed in tight in that small little hole.

I point to his forehead.

"What happened to you?"

He touches the bruise on his forehead.

"Tiki boat with the twins."

"Been there," I reply.

The service is about to start and I look down our row, seeing a pretty brunette I haven't met before. She's laughing at something in the program before covering her mouth and the service starts.

Collin's family and friends share fond memories of him and I find myself getting choked up just because of their emotions over how much they loved him.

I want to be loved and missed even a fraction of what this man was.

It's my first funeral, and I didn't know what to expect, but it was actually a sweet farewell to the man I once knew as kind and loving.

People are starting to file out of the reception.

"I have to go talk to the lawyer about some of the will stuff. I'll see you tomorrow at work, Pen," Aiden says softly.

Lincoln and I nod.

"Want to get a drink?" Lincoln asks.

"Please," I sigh, feeling the weight of the funeral creeping up on me.

We pass Zach on our way out, who looks irritated, but that's not unusual before loading into Lincoln's car.

He doesn't ask my opinion on where we should go, which I shouldn't be surprised by. But what does shock me is where he chooses. It's close enough to our building that we can walk home, but it's definitely more of a dive, and tonight is karaoke night.

"Seriously?"

"Seriously," he replies, getting out of the car and I follow him.

We both look out of place, me in my black cocktail dress and him in his suit. He tosses his jacket in the back and rolls up his sleeves as we go inside.

We sit at the bar. The stools must have been here from the sixties with the way they're held together by duct tape and a prayer over the ass that's going to be sitting on them.

"Shots?" Lincoln turns to me and asks, placing his elbows on the sticky bar top.

"Tequila?"

Lincoln holds his fingers up and the bartender, who might have very well worked here in the sixties, slowly approaches us.

"What will it be, Linc?"

He's a fucking regular here?

"Four shots of Patron Silver chilled, please."

"Oh, don't act like you have any fucking manners," she says, grinning at him and going to pour our shots.

"You come here regularly?"

He shrugs his shoulders as a woman takes the stage and sings her rendition of Toes by Zac Brown Band.

"It's close to the building. The drinks are cheap."

"They have karaoke," I say in astonishment.

"Get enough drinks in me and maybe I'll sing too."

I blink at him as the elderly bartender puts our shot glasses on the counter.

"Your majesty, I hope they are chilled to your liking."

"Thanks Gladys."

I'm too stunned to speak as she turns to me, her hair is likely white, but it's colored bright pink. Her eyeliner is heavy on her waterline and her skin has clearly taken a heavy beating against the Florida sun.

She looks me up and down. "Who's the blondie?"

"This is Penny," he says, grabbing his shot glass and urging me to grab mine.

"You're too good to be hanging around the likes of this one," she says, pointing a finger at Lincoln, who laughs and tosses back his shot. I do the same.

"Do you have a whole separate life I don't know about?" I ask Lincoln. Something about the words bothers him as he takes the two additional shots he ordered back to back.

"Keep them coming Gladys."

"Remember, I don't take tips in the form of sexual favors," she says, and a laugh slips out of me.

Lincoln smiles as we both glance over at the woman on stage singing. Thankfully, she's actually pretty decent.

"Have you gone up and performed before?"

"A few times."

"Who are you and what have you done with Lincoln Carlson?"

He shakes his head. "It's my place, so just be grateful I brought you here," he says sharply.

I fake zipping my lips as Gladys puts more shots in front of us.

"I do have to work tomorrow, you know."

"So do I."

I toss the shot back. Drinking is definitely not a good way to solve your problems, but right now it certainly feels like it.

Too much tequila later….

"Woo!"I cheer as a heavily drunk Lincoln puts in his music choice and takes the stage.

The DJ introduces him. "Everybody, welcome Lincoln to the stage."

I cheer and clap my hands, nearly falling off my chair, which makes me laugh even harder.

Lincoln's hair is loose and sweaty, his shirt askew and more than a few buttons undone as he takes the mic. The beat starts and he starts swinging his hips. My mouth drops at how smooth he is.

There's a wide smile on his face and for the first time, he looks truly happy, it's handsome on him. I shake my head as I focus on what he's singing and I laugh even harder.

He passionately sings What I Got by Sublime, and the audience, including myself, chimes in.

His voice is actually pleasant, and he's animated when he sings. It's definitely an effect of the tequila. But this version of Lincoln? It's hard not to love him, to not want him to be like this all the time.

It's endearing and I see Lincoln in a light I never have before.

He dances on stage, singing the song, carefree as I've ever seen him.

There are some whistles from the older ladies at the bar and I chime in, which just boosts his ego even further. He keeps up with every word, eating up the attention and moving his hips.

He ends the song and dramatically drops the microphone, exiting the stage. I clap like a madwoman, cupping my hands and wooing at his performance.

Lincoln comes stumbling over and nearly falling, using my body for balance. His hands are warm and I swallow and shake off the touch.

"Your turn."

"No fucking way."

"Come on, Pen."

"After that performance, ain"t no way."

"I believe in you. Come on Penny. Go sing."

He starts tickling my side, and I nearly fall off the stool before he catches my arm.

"Come on."

I glare at him but get off my stool.

"Penny. Penny," he starts a chant and gets his band of AARP members to add into the chant and I finally give in.

I give him the finger and he gasps, but mimes like he is grabbing my middle finger before shoving it in his mouth and swallowing it. I shake my head but walk up to the DJ booth and flip through his book .

"Everyone welcome pretty Penny to the stage!" he announces, and I take the stage, grabbing the microphone.

I wave to Gladys, letting her know I'm going to need a drink as the music starts. As soon as the chorus starts, I can see Lincoln throwing his head back in laughter.

I close my eyes as I sing the song and I'm shocked as more audience members sing along. It boosts my confidence as I belt and dance to …Baby One More Time at the top of my lungs. Feeling empowered, I dance and command the stage, but Lincoln's face sticks out among the crowd. His smile beaming bright with his hand over his heart as he sings along.

I'm sure I'm off pitch, but this is the most fun I've had in weeks, maybe months. I feel free; I feel happy; I feel like me.

My eyes water as I wrap up my song.

"Thank you, Tampa!" I shout into the microphone before putting it on the stand.

Lincoln is up front and grabs my hips to pick me up off the stage and put me back on my feet.

He's so close as he smiles down at me.

"You fucking killed it."

"I did, didn't I?"

"I felt like I was at her concert."

I throw back my head and laugh as Gladys brings us more drinks that we don't need.

We sit at our table, intermittent karaoke taking place as we laugh and joke and enjoy each other's company.

"You know you're actually fun when you're not hating the universe," I tell him, sipping the Margarita I swear is the last.

"I don't hate everything."

"You have for the last couple of years," I say and he tilts his head.

"You're no stranger to a bad breakup," he says and I sip and nod.

"Vanessa?"

He tosses back the rest of his drink and rests an elbow on the table, his chin resting on the palm of his hand.

"I thought she was my person. I mean, I know looking back I wasn't the best boyfriend, but still I didn't expect what I found out."

His blue-green eyes are glassy as he looks at me.

"You've probably been nothing but a good girlfriend to all those assholes you've dated."

I shrug, wanting to push more about Vanessa, but clearly picking up on the topic change.

"I don't know," I say, grabbing my straw and biting on it.

"What do you mean, you don't know?"

"I always changed who I was with every boyfriend. I just wanted them to want me, you know?"

"They'd be stupid not to. Let's go home," he says.

Gladys grins at us and holds up her own shot as Lincoln grabs a wad of cash and shoves it in her tip jar.

"We bid you farewell. Please visit us peasants the next time you need ale. So long fair maiden," she says to me and I wave and smile.

We start the walk to our building, which feels way fucking longer than it did the drive here.

I drunkenly bump into him with my shoulder.

"You're not so bad, you know?"

He smiles and says nothing. I wonder if I'll see this side of Lincoln again, or if this is just a rare glimpse of the man he keeps hidden under his rough exterior.