Chapter Two

Chapter Two

Him

I had to take Lucy to the dentist the next day, so I spent the morning editing on my laptop at home, taking the dogs for their lunchtime walk, then drove to the school to pick her up. The office was quiet except for the subdued tapping of Kate, the office administrator, on her keyboard, and the hum of the printer and photocopier. One glum-faced child of about six sat in a chair, crossing and uncrossing their ankles and shifting from side to side.

"Hello, Mr. Marin," Kate said, glancing up from her typing. "Do you need Lucy?"

"Hi, Kate. Yes, please. Dentist."

She picked up the phone beside her and pressed a few buttons, then waited.

"Aiden, can you please send Lucy to the office? Her dad is here. She has a dental appointment… Thank you."

Kate hung up and smiled at me. "She's on her way."

"Perfect."

I sat in one of the chairs and pulled out my phone, tapping on the CBC news app and girding myself for all of the unwelcome but needed information that I was about to access.

After several moments, Lucy opened the door to the office and came in with her backpack and umbrella.

"Hi, Dad."

"Hey, Lucy."

"Is it still raining?" she asked, trying to see out of the office window.

"No, I don't think so," I said, standing and shoving my phone in my back pocket. I took the umbrella from her.

"Do I have to go to the dentist?" Lucy asked.

"Yes, Lucy."

"We have the coolest supply teacher. Aiden is so—"

At that moment the door to the office opened and a man, presumably a teacher, came in. When he saw me he stopped and seemed surprised, but then smiled warmly and turned to Lucy.

"You forgot your notebook."

"Oh thanks! Dad, this is my supply teacher, Aiden. He's the best!"

Aiden looked at me and it was at that moment that I recognized his dark-eyed gaze, the color of his skin and the close curl of his hair.

There had been a twink and an embarrassing encounter in the passenger seat of my car, months and months ago, when I was still reeling from Daniel's unexpected passing. But before the twink and the car, I had seen him. I had a sudden recollection of him stepping toward his ‘friend', gripping the other man's wrist and forcing it behind his back.

The man named Aiden stared at me, and I was tongue-tied.

Did he remember seeing me? A lost, grieving, drunk man being pulled by a gorgeous, barely dressed, glittering twink whose name I still didn't know.

For a long moment we seemed to be hypnotized, and I realized that whatever was holding us was mutual. Maybe he did remember me. And he might even be into me. I was definitely into Aiden.

He was the first to break free. He forced his gaze from mine and turned back to Lucy.

"Have fun at the dentist," he said.

"Yeah, thanks a lot," Lucy replied, grinning. "Bye."

"Bye, Lucy," Aiden said.

"Oh, there's Mia!" Lucy said, pushing through the door and into the hall where she hailed her friend and probably complained about having to go to the dentist.

Kate made a shushing sound then rolled her eyes and shrugged.

Aiden straightened and looked at me.

"Nice to meet you, Lucy's Dad," he said with a smile that just about knocked me off my feet.

"Fletcher," I said. "Fletcher Marin."

"It's nice to meet you, Fletcher. Lucy is hilarious—and so smart."

"Thanks," I said. "You're replacing Lucy's regular teacher today?"

"Yes. Actually, I'm on contract for a few weeks."

"Oh. Well, Lucy will be happy." I certainly was. That would give me the opportunity of running into Aiden again…somehow.

"Have a wonderful day, Mr. Marin," Kate said from her place behind the desk, giving me a smug smile.

"Thanks. You, too," I said, wondering if she'd noticed the attraction between Aiden and me.

"Well…I'd better get back to my class before all hell breaks loose," Aiden said.

"Yes, good idea," I agreed, following him out of the office and into the hall, where Lucy was standing, shifting her backpack and tapping her foot, now that Mia was gone.

"See you tomorrow, Lucy," Aiden said.

"Bye, Mr. Thompson."

I watched Lucy's supply teacher walk away from us, appreciating his slim, well-dressed form. Before he turned the corner, he glanced back and smiled. The blood pounded in my ears as my dick twitched.

"Dad," Lucy said, concern in her voice.

"Yes?" I said, turning to her.

"What's wrong?"

"What?" I asked. I didn't know what she meant.

She was gazing at me with concern. "You look like you're going to pass out."

Oh fuck, do I?

"Sorry," I said, clearing my throat and attempting to look normal, even though my entire world had changed in a moment. "Let's go."

"Are you sure you're okay to drive?" she said. "Maybe you're having a stroke."

"I'm not having a stroke," I said, following her out through the main doors, my heart fluttering in my chest like a trapped butterfly.

"Damn. Because I wouldn't have to go to the dentist if you were."

"Nice. Thanks a lot," I said. "And watch your language."

"Oh please," Lucy laughed. "I'm twelve."

Twelve going on eighteen sometimes. It scared me just how close Lucy was to being a full-fledged teenager.

The fluttering in my chest diminished as we walked to the car, but the shock of seeing the stranger from the kink club and that mess of an encounter stayed with me. What were the odds of that? One in a million…or even a billion?

As I sat in the waiting room, I tapped on my photo app. I had a picture of the twink somewhere. He'd snatched my phone and taken a selfie before we'd decided to hook up, and I'd never deleted it. My memories of him were fond, even if they were overlaid with the guilt of a drunken disaster. He'd been kind and he'd taken care of me, even though I had said it would be the other way around. And he'd left me when I'd needed to be by myself.

I found the photo. I'd saved it in my favorites. His happy eyes and smile stared back at me from that long-ago place where I'd gone to distract myself and tried to soothe the pain of Daniel's recent demise. Part of me wished I'd learned his name, but another part of me saw him as the universe extending a helping hand to me that evening.

It hadn't been pleasant, sobbing in my car after he'd given me a quick hand job. But afterward, the pain around my heart hadn't hurt so bad and, looking back, it was the beginning of a healing journey. I'd stopped looking for casual hookups at bars after that and focused on Lucy, going to my therapist and doing good work. The pain had gotten easier to bear, slowly, gradually, like the healing of a wound. For a while it was angry and raw, then it became a constant throb, until eventually, it somehow scabbed over. Every now and then I'd still feel it, and sometimes it itched and I had to attend to the memories and cry again, or do something to honor him, like my therapist had suggested.

But I'd come a long way.

"Got my goody bag," Lucy said, when she swaggered out ahead of the hygienist.

"Hi, Mr. Marin," the hygienist said. "Lucy's doing pretty well with her brushing, but I've told her she needs to floss."

Lucy made a face.

"Okay," I said. "Sure." I didn't tell her that sometimes it was all I could do to get Lucy to have regular showers these days.

"It's something she can do while she's watching TV or before bed. It's really important."

The hygienist smiled, as if she were sharing happy news and not setting up a battle between my daughter and me.

"Of course."

"See you next time, Lucy," the hygienist said in a bubbly voice.

"Yeah, yeah," Lucy said, giving her a vague wave as she moved past me. "Can we go now?"

"I have to pay, sweetheart. This isn't like going to the doctor."

She gave me a look. "Do I really need to come for a cleaning every six months?"

"Not up for discussion," I said, raising my hand to stop her from going on a tangent.

I settled up with the receptionist, paying the fee outright since I didn't have health insurance myself and we no longer had access to Daniel's comprehensive plan. Lucy's grandparents—Daniel's mom and dad—had offered to pay for Lucy's dental needs and encouraged me to stay up-to-date with whatever was recommended. I was very grateful for that and appreciated them giving me a financial hand. They seemed happy to do it, and it let them be involved in a way that fulfilled them.

Lucy spent a weekend every month with Daniel's parents, which was hugely helpful to me and extremely beneficial to Lucy. She loved her grandparents, and I was thrilled that she had such a close relationship with them.

"Come on," I said. "Let's go."

We got in the car, and I started the engine.

"So, Dad, what did you think of Mr. Thompson? He's hot, right?"

My ears burned. "I beg your pardon?"

"Aiden. I think he's gay. Do you think he's gay? I wonder if he has a boyfriend…"

"Lucy, this is not an appropriate discussion."

"I'm just saying, he seems like a pretty cool guy. You could do a lot worse."

"I—I can't date your supply teacher." Could I? No. Probably not.

"Why not?"

"Because it's…it's not appropriate," I said, hating that that was true.

"Why do adults say that so often?"

I sighed. "Because there are…rules to the way society…works. I don't know."

I gave up and did the only thing I could think of to change the subject.

"You want to get pizza for supper tonight? I'll let you pick the place."

"Awesome! I guess this makes up for the dentist appointment."

"Uh-huh." I mumbled, pulling out of the parking lot and into rush-hour traffic.

"Can I get a pizza to myself? So I can get pineapple on it?"

"I guess so."

"Yes!"

As I merged with the heavy traffic I asked about Mia and how she was doing.

Lucy started talking about her friend, and I was saved from more discussion about Mr. Aiden Thompson. If only I could turn my thoughts in another direction as easily as I'd switched Lucy's focus.

* * * *

I'm naked and on my knees. Daniel stands above me, clothed, fondling a braided crop.

"You want this or the paddle? You can choose, Fletcher…this time."

"The paddle." I don't even have to think about it.

Daniel smiles knowingly, his blue-eyed gaze on me with that singular intensity that tells me he is in the Dom zone that I love so much. He looks young and, even in this situation, I can see the love for me in his gaze.

He glances at the place where we keep our implements, then looks at me again.

The smile widens.

"Well…I said you could choose. I didn't say I'd go along with your choice."

My heart sinks, but my body sings with the knowledge that I am his, and I will suffer what he wants me to suffer. I don't hate the crop. But I love the paddle and I want it. Maybe if I suffer for him under the crop, which he enjoys very much, he'll give me what I want—or maybe not. But it doesn't matter. I'm thrilled to be here, under his control, and he knows it.

I close my eyes and nod. "Yes, Sir."

Suddenly, without time passing, I am on my belly on our bed in the home we share, my wrists and ankles bound, the snaking tease of the crop along my ass and down my thigh leaving excitement in its wake. Daniel likes to edge me before he gets down to the nitty gritty of my suffering, but this is its own form of torture.

"Please," I whisper.

I don't know what I'm asking for, but my heart lurches in my chest, and for some reason, I start crying. He's barely touched me. I don't usually get this upset. I love our kink sessions.

So why am I crying?

The sensation of the crop on my body becomes a whisper, gliding over my ass again, then along my hip and…then it's gone.

"Daniel?" I sob. "Daniel!" I scream, struggling against the leather cuffs as I turn my head.

There is no one in the room but me. And I can't move. I lurch and fight in my bindings, panicking and sobbing his name.

"Daniel! Daniel, come back! Please!"

There's nobody there—and I'm trapped.

"You have to let me up!" I say, fighting the bonds. "Let me go!"

I wake with a jerk as my dark bedroom comes into focus around me. It's not the same room as in my dream. It's not the same house. We moved when we knew we were going to have Lucy.

I blink rapidly, trying to focus through the tears that are still falling. I lift my hands to my face and sob as quietly as I can, so I don't wake her. Luckily, her room is on the other side of the house, and she likes to keep her door closed at night.

I turn in the bed and cry into the pillow—for Daniel, for the loss of him and for the loss of that feeling of being his and suffering for him.

I missed that so much, and I couldn't talk to anyone about it.

* * * *

"Daniel and I, we…" I met the non-judgmental gaze of my therapist, Jinta, and felt my cheeks heat. I knew she wouldn't judge me, but I'd not talked about this before. "We kind of had a…" very kinky Dom-sub thing going on.

Jinta waited for me to continue.

"We were kinky, Daniel and I."

"Oh?" she said, with a quirk to her smile. "Really."

"Yeah."

"You haven't mentioned that before. Why now?"

I blinked, suddenly overcome. "I…I don't… I didn't…"

My head swirled with memories and voices. I was breathing too quickly.

Jinta stood and walked over to where I sat on the couch by the window. She placed her hand on my back.

"It's all right, Fletcher. Breathe. Count with me."

I focused on her familiar and calming presence and counted my breaths in and out until I had a hold of myself.

"I'm so sorry."

"It's fine. You're in the best place for it."

A panic attack.I'd never had one before Daniel had died. Now I had them often enough to be inconvenient.

"I had a dream," I blurted.

"Oh?"

I described the dream to Jinta in fragments. I took breaks in between to count some deep breaths. I was embarrassed, but at least Jinta knew what I was struggling with.

"I'm sorry," I said, when I was finished.

"No, Fletcher. I'm sorry I didn't ask you sooner if there was anything you missed about Daniel that you hadn't told me."

"It's just—" I said, with halting breath. "I didn't think—"

"Grief can take a long time to get through, Fletcher. And it never completely goes away," she said. "Perhaps you weren't ready to deal with those particular memories until now."

We sat in silence. I tried not to fill it with awkward chatter.

"Can you think of anything that happened recently that might have reminded you about that part of your life with Daniel?"

Huh.

Dropping Patrick off at work and going into Maverick Molly's for the first time. Meeting Aiden and recognizing him from a different kink club. It wasn't so strange that I'd remember.

"Yes, now that I think about it."

She cocked her head.

"Have you…heard of Maverick Molly's?"

"No. What's that?"

"My nephew, Patrick, works there." I scratched at my neck, embarrassed, even though I trusted Jinta with this information. "It's a gay kink club—a relatively new one."'

Jinta looked surprised but not offended or embarrassed. "Really."

"Yeah. It's set up like a Victorian"—I'd almost said brothel but stopped myself—"gaming parlor."

"Interesting."

"And…" I felt the heat flooding my cheeks. I glanced at Jinta, reminded myself that I'd only ever found support here. "You remember I told you about the months after Daniel died? When I…" I swallowed, the guilt like a lump in my throat. "I was going to clubs and getting drunk and having…having…"

"I remember."

I nodded. "I saw this man one time, when I was…following another guy and…I knew he was a Dom by the way he was acting with his friend or lover or sub—or whoever was with him."

"Okay."

"Well, you're not going to believe this," I said, running a hand through my hair, "but I ran into him unexpectedly…at Lucy's school."

"Huh. Another parent?"

"No, he's a supply teacher."

"I see."

"I think…I think he remembered me. Maybe. I could be imagining that."

"How interesting."

I ran a hand over my forehead, glad that the heavy emotions that had come over me seemed to be dissipating.

"Yeah. I mean, we had a moment."

"What kind of a moment?"

"Well, we looked at each other. And…I mean, there were fireworks…at least on my end. I think…maybe on his, too."

She sat back in her chair, contemplating.

"I definitely think those events had an impact and probably led to the dream you had."

"Yeah."

She didn't say anything for a long moment. She simply watched me. Finally, she said, "It's good to remember things."

I felt the emotion start to rise again, but I pushed it down.

"Yeah," I said, focusing on the clock on the wall. "It feels…good to talk about it with someone."

"I understand that certain subjects can be scary. I want you to know that my practice is very kink positive. I should have told you before."

I nodded. "Thank God."

She smiled. "Thank whoever you want. I'm glad you trusted me enough to share that."

The relief of letting her know about my dream and about that part of my life with Daniel, was welcome.

"Okay, so…now what?" I said. "What do I do about it?"

Jinta raised her eyebrows and shrugged. "Well, I guess you'd better find someone to get kinky with. Maybe you already have."

I blushed and cleared my throat. "Do you think I'm ready for that?"

She shrugged again. "There's only one way to find out."

I stared at her, hope lifting for a second, then plummeting. "It's not that easy."

"You'll never know if you don't try."