Chapter Seven

Saylor

When Ciaran gave the mission a week, he was being hopeful. It took ten, long, excruciating days of living in limbo, and hoping against all odds for things to work. Lux and I spent all our free time at Rogue, only going home to shower and sleep a few hours. There are very few cases we ask Matt to step into, but my mom and dad were busy with Mila’s situation too, and couldn’t spare any time. We ran everything with minimal staff due to the level yellow safety increase, and it was exhausting for everyone.

Ten days.

Ten days before they popped back up on the map, alive, and brought fifty-five targets to safety. When their plane touched down back in Minnesota, living spaces, homes and families were ready. My office was prepped and would start contacting everyone once they had time to sleep, eat, and bathe.

Lux, Oaklynn, and I were able to wrangle the guys home so they could get some rest too, before jumping back into work. Their dedication and determination to everyone in Rogue always coming first, even before their own health. Kai had a knife scratch that needed stitches, and I swore Silas would have passed out on the spot if Ciaran didn’t have a shoulder under him. And of course, the first thing my brother wanted to know about was Mila.

Besides the letter, we haven’t heard from her since she left, supposedly, to have some space. My feelings were completely conflicted. If Mila did write the note and left of her own freewill, what was so difficult she needed to be away from her family? We didn’t baby her. My mom and dad worked hard to get her a place of her own that she could navigate with her wheelchair when she went away to college. She made her choice of places she wanted to go, and we had done nothing but encourage her. Mila had never complained about space, or spending time with us. It didn’t make sense. The only other logical conclusion is that she was taken against her will, and forced to write the letter. And every time my brain comes full circle to this belief, my eyes fill with tears. It’s like we’re wasting time when she might be in danger.

“Hey,” Oaklynn’s voice interrupts my thoughts. Sitting up straighter behind my desk, I give my best friend a small smile.

“Hi.”

“How are you holding up?” She sinks into the chair across from me. My lip wobbles while I take in a shaky breath.

“There’s still a lot to do, and while I’m here, I have no idea what is happening to Mila,” I tell her honestly. I feel selfish worrying about my sister when I know fifty-five people just had their lives uprooted, and now they have to trust that Rogue is going to keep them safe.

Oaklynn watches me carefully, “You are entitled to these feelings, Say. You love your sister.”

“Doesn’t seem to matter sometimes that our families don’t come first,” I tell her, shrugging my shoulders. I can no longer keep the tears to myself and they run down my cheeks. “I’m not trying to sound like I don’t know how amazing Rogue is. I’m literally building my entire life around this organization, but I just wish that sometimes, there wasn’t a new mission, or that we could heal our family first.”

“I know, babe, trust me I get it. I never thought in a million years this is what I’d decide to do with my life,” Oaklynn laughs softly, “No one is forgetting that Mila is missing. Lux had to force Silas to take a sleeping pill last night just so he would rest before they go searching. Our moms have been scouring Mila’s things, and Ciaran went through her room. Reed is looking too. I don’t think Mila is in danger, I think she wanted to leave, for whatever reason.”

“You do?” My brow lifts. Of course I’ve contemplated it, but that idea seems so unlike my sister.

Oaklynn nods, “Mila has been through a lot, Say. Lord knows we all have, but she almost died. Her father turned out to be a psycho, and she has smiled through it all. She has been strong. Now everyone in her family is moving on and finding their place in Rogue…I think Mila wants to find her way in the world too.”

I toss Oaklynn’s words around in my head. She makes sense and the fear gripping my chest eases a little. Only a little. If she could call, or something, or if her note had just explained more I think I could understand. She said she’s safe, but I don’t believe it.

“By the way, Ciaran was looking for you,” Oaklynn jumps right back in, “I told him you were here, and I was asked to tell you he’d be at your house at six.”

My lips turn into a smile thinking about my fiancé. I missed him, and I’m glad he’s back safe. We haven’t had the opportunity to connect since they arrived with how busy it’s been, so I’m looking forward to seeing him. I glance down at my watch and see that it’s only four right now. I sigh.

“I’m sure you could close up half an hour early and go home, Say,” Oaklynn winks at me, and I feel my cheeks blush a little.

“Can you drop me off? My mom took the car into Rogue after she dropped me off this morning,” I explain while I close down my computer. I grab my purse and follow Oaklynn to the doors.

“Of course,” Oaklynn laughs, “I need to head that way anyhow. Kai needed to go over the images I sent him yesterday.”

We chat as we get in her vehicle and she drives us across town to my house. The windows are still dark, indicating that no one is home yet. “Thanks,” I turn to her and hug her, “Love you crazy.”

“Love you, wild,” She returns the sentiment, and then I get out of her vehicle and practically run to the front door.

“Hello?” I call into the empty home, before resetting the security alarm. No one answers, so I toe my shoes off and head to the shower. After washing away the grime of the day, I turn the water off and grab my towel. My eyes connect in the mirror above my sink and I notice the bluish smudges. My forehead has a V crease, and my lips are red from biting on them anxiously. I don’t even look pretty enough to go on a date anywhere.

Frustrated, I brush my teeth and comb my hair before running a blow dryer through it. Once I’m ready, I head to my room and get dressed. I’m sure Ciaran will want to do something lowkey tonight, so I grab some jean shorts and a cute top. Before my shirt is all the way over my head I hear the front door open and the alarm being reset again.

“Say?” Ciaran’s voice floats through the house to me.

Smiling, I grab my sandals and run to find him. Damn, my fiancé is sexy as hell. I don’t give Ciaran any time to react. His eyes light up when sees me, and that’s all the warning he gets before I jump on him. My legs circle his waist, my arms wrap around his neck. Ciaran catches me easily, one of his hands grabbing my ass to hold me to him, and the other holds the back of my neck, bringing my lips to his. I will never get tired of kissing him. My mouth devours his, and I pour all of my love, my worry, my fear, my thankfulness that he survived, into that kiss. Despite my rocky relationship with Rogue, I am always proud of Ciaran and the work he does.

“Damn, I missed you,” Ciaran breathes heavily against my lips, and I peck him a few more times, my hands grabbing his face.

“I love you.”

His eyes turn dark and intense. Soon he’s walking us over to the kitchen island. He sets me on top of the granite, and positions his body so he’s standing between my legs. Ciaran’s hands slide along the skin at my waist and up, under my shirt. I inhale at the contact, my insides turning mushy, and my blood heating under his touch. My fingers bury themselves in his hair, and I wish I could keep him this close to me always. Become one with him, force my entire body and soul into his.

Ci kisses me like it’s his last day on earth, and sometimes I fear it will come sooner than we expect. While he’s good at his job, I also know he has a reckless streak. It’s why I fell in love with him. His hands reach down to the button on my shorts, and soon they’re sliding down my legs, taking my panties with them. Ci bends and runs kisses down my abdomen, and inside the fleshy parts of my thighs. My hips tilt up, chasing his mouth, but he purposefully pulls back. His glacial eyes clash with mine and I can see the need for me in them. A red stain sits on his cheek bones and his breathing is ragged.

“I don’t think I can wait this time. This is going to be quick, baby. We have reservations to make,” He pulls my body into his and my hands fumble with his shorts, but I manage to get them down his legs far enough to free his thick length. Ciaran inhales sharply when my hand touches his cock. Growling as his hand wraps around mine and guides himself to my entrance. He pushes inside in one go. I cry out into the room while my insides cling to him, needing him closer still.

“God, you feel so good,” He pants, his lips brushing kisses against my face, and he rests his forehead against mine. He keeps one hand at my back and the other grips the edge of the counter. My legs hold him tighter, hands gripping his shoulders. With every thrust from his hips, my body jumps. Our chests push together and there’s something erotic about being half clothed and him needing me this much.

“I love you, I love you, I love you,” I tell him over and over again as he continues pumping into me, his pelvic bone hitting my clit perfectly every time, creating a delicious wave of pleasure spiraling out of me. I come quick and hard, seeing stars, screaming his name. I grip Ciaran so tightly he grunts into my neck, his lips and teeth skating over the delicate skin there.

Ciaran’s forehead rests against my chest, his hips grinding into mine as he chases his own release. His hands move to my waist then slide up my back, molding us together. As if he’s trying to push my body inside of him, to be consumed by him. “Your heart is racing,” He whispers, before placing a kiss against my skin covering it.

A soft chuckle leaves my lips, “You do that to me, Ci.”

Ciaran pulls back, his eyes glowing as they meet mine. He takes my hand in his and places it over his heart. Even through the material of his t-shirt I can feel the strong, steady rhythm. “I love you, Say.” I smile at him. This moment between us is what I have been needing. Ciaran always has a way of making me let go of things I can’t control, and takes my worries away.

“Oh shit,” He glances at the clock behind my head, “We’re going to be late.”

I glance at him and a laugh pushes out. He looks worried, his face turning serious, “I’m sure they’ll give us a little grace if we leave early enough. Margo isn’t stingy.” I push him back and slide down off the counter.

“I’m not taking you to Mama’s Chicken ,” Ciaran’s eyes widen, horrified. “I haven’t seen you in weeks, tonight we’re eating in style.”

“Let me get cleaned up,” I laugh and scoot upstairs to the bathroom. In a few minutes I’m put back together, except now my eyes look dreamy, and there is a blush staining my cheeks.

Ciaran takes my hand and I follow him out to the truck. We hop in and pull out of the driveway. Once we get to the main road, Ciaran takes a left, and soon we’re heading out of town on the highway toward the cities.

“Fancy,” I smirk at him and whistle. “Are you sure you want to be this far away right now? What if something happens?”

Ciaran’s eyes slide over me, “Nothing will happen. Everyone is settled, I checked with Matt and your dad about the security around the border. Matt heard from Reed, and everything is good on his end too. We can take a night off from Rogue, Say.”

“I feel like you say that, but in the back of your mind you’re still running through protocol,” I smirk at him, my head falling to rest against my seat.

Ciaran smiles but keeps his eyes on the road, “I don’t know how not to run through protocol every day. But I can be here with you. And when I’m home, and we can get away, I want to make sure we get that time.”

I nod my head in agreement. Our lives are complicated and he’s right. If we’re given the gift of time to ourselves, I want to take advantage of it too. We talk easily the rest of the drive, and once we reach the restaurant, I’m surprised by Ciaran’s choice. Tiki torches line the walkway to the back patio. We find a seat and I can see the huge river rushing past us nearby.

“You like it?”

“Love it,” I tell him, “I haven’t been here in ages.”

“We don’t get to come down here often anymore, but I know you liked it when you went to school here,” he shrugs, like he isn’t the best boyfriend in the world for remembering my letters to him. Fiancé. My mind reminds me. Ciaran is my fiancé.

“You’re amazing,” I tell him, his grip on my hand tightens.

We order food and drinks, and soon Ciaran’s eyes light up and he leans closer, “So we didn’t get to talk about it yet, but how did it go?”

My mind blanks. “How did what go?” I laugh lightly.

Ciaran’s head tilts, his smile dimming, “Looking at houses, babe.”

My heart squeezes. My hands slide into my lap. The world feels like it’s closing in. “Ci, with everything going on with Mila, and the new targets, I canceled the house tours.”

I watch as Ciaran slowly retreats into himself, his body angles back in the chair and his eyes blaze with disappointment. “You didn’t go?” I shake my head, the words getting stuck in my throat.

“Saylor, how are we supposed to find a place, and finally be able to start sharing our lives together?” His tone is low, but I can feel confusion in his words. I did this to him. I knew not going would hurt him, and that’s why I haven’t been able to tell him since he got back.

“I’m sorry. Everything with Mila and my family took my focus away. Then you guys were gone and it was a tough mission. The clients needed me when you got back, and I forgot to reschedule,” I explain and hope he’ll see it from my perspective too. Everything has been chaotic in Rogue, just like it always is.

I watch Ciaran’s head bow and his eyes fall to his plate. Without looking, or speaking to me, he finishes his food, but my stomach is twisted in knots. He grabs the check from the server and pays our bill. Our walk back to the truck is silent. I wrap my arms around my middle until I get in the passenger seat. Ciaran starts the engine while I watch him, but he refuses to meet my gaze.

“Ci—”

“Do you want to live with me? Do you even want to get married?”

My teeth dig into my bottom lip, and every suppressed emotion I have been feeling bubbles to the surface. I can’t explain to him how everything in my mind feels torn in two, but that my heart belongs to him. We’ve barely started to find ourselves, and the further I walk into the Rogue world, the more I start to wonder if I’m built for this. It took Erika and Matt fifteen years to get on the same page. My mom and Jason were apart for nineteen years before they were able to reconcile. No one I know has been part of Rogue and not had it be a struggle to be happy and be together. Rogue always comes first. Why would anything be any different for Ciaran and me? What makes us so special that we won’t hurt each other, or lose ourselves in this world?

“I love you, Ciaran. I want to marry you. I just think we’re moving so fast, and it’s too much for me. I’m worried about my family. I’m worried about my position, and if I’m doing what is best for my targets, and Rogue. I want our lives together to be made by us, and not just about the business.”

Ciaran’s shoulders sag, his eyes remain on the rows of cars in front of us. He doesn’t talk the rest of the drive back to Savage Lakes. For the first time in a long time, driving past the city sign doesn’t feel like home to me.