Chapter Nineteen

Jenna

Someone needed to pinch me because this so did not feel real. I was so deliriously happy it was insane. I mean, I could very well die right now in this moment and be totally satisfied. I laid on my back and kicked my feet, squealing internally.

"That was—" Were there really any words for what just happened? How incredible it was? "Was half of we did even legal? It felt too naughty to me."

He laughed, the sound vibrating through the air. I loved that sound.

"Want to go again?" I asked, jumping on him so I was straddling him again. I rolled back over when he cocked a brow. "Yeah, you're right."

He immediately grabbed my wrist, though, and gave me an intense look. "Just where do you think you're going?"

I raked my teeth across my bottom lip as he looked down at my wrist and began tracing my tattoo with his finger. "Now, are you going to tell me the real story behind this ink?"

I tilted my head. "I think you already know the real story."

He shrugged. "Amuse me."

"I've always loved the nickname you gave me. I got it after our the night we promised one night to each other. You were gone, I was lonely, and I wanted a reminder of you. But also it's permanent, so something I wouldn't regret."

"That's it?" he asked.

I nodded. "That's it. I'm not always a complicated woman, Deke." I bounced out of bed, feeling as happy as a child on Christmas morning. "Want some ice cream? I'm starved."

"Really? You're hungry again." He peered over at the nightstand and chuckled.

I gasped and swatted his perfectly sculpted chest. I didn't think I'd ever get over the fact that he was all mine, this time for good. But about that whipped cream can he was talking about—"That was just fun," I said. "And delicious," I added, remembering licking it off of him. Him licking it off of me. I shook my head. "All right, I'm getting out of this bed because the more I'm thinking about that whipped cream, the more I'm thinking about ice cream."

I sauntered over naked and swiped the can. "I'm taking this with me." I winked at him and he slapped my butt as I turned to walk away.

I looked back, my mouth hanging open. "Hey, save that for when I'm a really bad girl."

His gaze followed my finger as I squeezed some whipped cream on my finger and licked it off slowly, mimicking the way I worked my tongue on him not long ago, then moaned.

"Come over here," he demanded, wagging his finger for me to come back to bed.

I shook my head and kept on licking my finger, slowly, sensually.

"I'm not done with you," he said, his voice thick, husky with need.

Again, I shook my head, enjoying how much I was torturing him. That was, until Deacon got out of bed naked himself and picked me up, carrying me by my legs over his head, my breasts bobbing against his head as he brought me back to the bed and plopped me back down.

He quickly dropped his head and took one of my nipples in his mouth, sucking hard on the bud. "Deke," I groaned, massaging the back of his head as he paid special attention to my breasts. Finally, relenting, he backed up and flicked one of my rosy nipples with his tongue, before tapping the can with his finger. "Now, be a good girl and put it where you want me to lick," he demanded.

* * *

"Are you sure you're okay with this?" Deacon asked for the umpteenth time since Colton and Scarlet called for us to come over. "You didn't have to come." His hand engulfed mine, the other resting on my hip.

I gave his hand a reassuring squeeze. "This has to be just as hard on you as it is on me."

He nodded. "I'm learning to deal with it."

"I have nearly half a dozen years on you and I'm still learning to deal with it."

"Will it ever get easier, knowing we made a baby and lost it?"

I shrugged. "So I'm told. I find it helps me to focus on my blessings, like you," I said, giving his hand another squeeze. "I actually think it's nice what they're doing, having us over to help out with picking a baby name."

"I still can't believe they're having a boy," he mumbled. "Scarlet wanted a girl."

"Don't be fooled, any mother would be happy regardless," I pointed out, knowing from my own brief experience with our baby, as Scarlet opened the door, a smile pasted on her face.

"Deacon. And you must be Jenna," she said, looking at us in turn. "Please, come in." She stepped aside and gestured for us to enter.

I smiled. "I am. Thanks for inviting me, too."

She was a bit more petite than me, her brown hair up in a sloppy bun and her brown eyes shining bright. She held a hand on her back and grinned. "This day is for family and you're family now. Besides," she said, laughing, "I feel like I already know you. Colton told me all about you and Deacon, said you two were like soulmates or something."

I rolled my eyes and chuckled. "I don't know about all that." I glanced up at Deacon. "But we're pretty happy."

She waved her hand in the air, ignoring my comment. "I'll just have to be the judge of that myself today, now won't I?" Then she chuckled. "Oh, what the hell," she said and went in for a hug, nearly me knocking me over with the unexpected move.

I smiled and hugged her back.

"Figures," I heard another woman say before she finally came into view. She was a little taller than me, her golden-streaked brown hair standing out and making me wish I, too, had highlights. Perhaps one day I'd go lighter, I mused. I always did like that look.

She chuckled. "Scarlet, please let the poor girl breathe."

Scarlet gave the woman a pointed look. "You must be Sabrina," I said, holding out my hand. "It's so nice to meet you."

Sabrina laughed at my hand, waving it away. "No, we're all huggers here." Then she pulled me into another hug, squeezing me.

I heard Deacon trying to hold back a laugh beside me and I turned my head to give him a look.

He held up his hands and declared, "I'm going to go find the guys. I'll let you three get to know each other a bit better."

"Sure!" Scarlet exclaimed. "Then we'll all meet back in the dining room, say in about ten. I want to show Jenna the nursery anyway."

Deacon stopped in his tracks, though, and turned to look at me. I nodded and gave him a reassuring look, trying to tell him that I was okay. It'd be a little sad, especially since we had dredged up so many of those memories, those feelings for me, but I knew I'd be fine seeing their nursery.

When he was gone, Sabrina linked her arm with mine and giggled. "I heard you're a lawyer, that's boring, but you have serious style," she said, looking down at my outfit. "I have to raid your closet one of these days."

I laughed. "You have legs that go on for days, so I'm not sure we'll be the same size, but you're more then welcome to anything that fits."

She squealed. "Excellent! And we should all go shopping together some time."

Scarlet rolled her eyes. "Yeah, I'll need to go shopping once the baby arrives for new clothes since I'll never fit into my size two clothes again."

I sliced my hand through the air, shaking my head. "No way! You're young. You'll snap right back."

"How can you be so sure?"

I shrugged. "It's what I hear."

"From your mouth," Scarlet said, rubbing her hands together and letting the rest of her words fall off. "Let's go upstairs. I am seriously obsessed with the way Colton did the nursery. I mean, I helped, but he really did all of the manual labor."

"As he should," Sabrina pointed out and I had a feeling I was going to like her. She had a no nonsense way about her, bold, but fun. We'd definitely be fast friends, I knew.

I smiled as we walked up the stairs, me following the girls to the nursery. "It's just right here," Scarlet said, pointing to the room across from the master bedroom. "We wanted to make sure we could hear him when he cries in the middle of the night. Figured it was easier if he was across the hall."

When she opened the door, she exclaimed, "Ta-da!"

I didn't think anything of it at first, other than how beautiful it all was. But it crept up on and suddenly I was reminded of the day I lost my baby. It was like it was yesterday. I never got to this part, it all ended too soon for me.

Just looking around at the baby's room made my heart clench with emotion. I closed my eyes and stayed in the doorway as the girls began walking around, touching everything, talking about every little item, every little detail. It was the things that would make up this baby's new life.

Scarlet sat down in the rocking chair and sighed, a hand on her belly. "I can hardly believe that in a few short months I'll be sitting in this chair with my baby boy."

I could feel the tears glisten my eyes and tried to hold them back. The girls didn't need me to start crying. They didn't even know about my past. So I looked away for a moment and tried to regain my composure. "Are you all right?" Sabrina asked, coming over to put a hand on my shoulder.

I smiled, not wanting them to worry about me. "I'm fine," I lied. "I'm so excited for you, Scarlet. Having a baby, it's just such a blessing."

She smiled, but cocked her head. "Are you sure you're okay, sweetie?"

I nodded. "I'm fine, really. Don't worry about me."

"Okay," she said, getting out of the chair. "Come here. I want to show you something." She opened a drawer and delicately took out a tiny blue blanket. "Mary made it for us. Said she didn't like knitting all that much, but wanted our baby to have something special, so she took a class."

"She's really good," Sabrina gushed. "I just bought you something from the store. Much better that way."

I chuckled. This was what I always wanted, a family like this. I sucked in, praying the urge to cry would just go away. "May I?" I asked, holding out my hands to touch the blanket.

Scarlet nodded. "Please. It's so soft."

I took it in my hands and held it. It had the words "Baby Ryder" embroidered on it in a darker blue hue. I let my hands roam over the lettering and smiled. So badly I wanted to clutch it to my chest, breathe it in, but resisted.

"How does this thing work?" I heard Sabrina ask, but didn't turn around, just heard Scarlet walk away from my side and move to see what Sabrina was talking about.

I rubbed my thumbs over the soft fabric and smiled as I closed my eyes and thought of what it would be like had things turned out differently. I wasn't sure whether I would have made a good mother, but I hoped one day I'd be given the chance. I knew my child would be the center of my world and I would do anything for him or her. It didn't matter the sex, just that they were healthy and ours.

I liked to believe that the baby I lost was a girl and that she would've been a daddy's girl. We would've spoiled her rotten. I'd play with dolls with her and we'd have tea parties. I'd teach her to put on makeup as she grew older and how to act around boys. I'd always want to be a mother figure to her, but also a friend, someone she could talk to. I wanted her to know that I would always be there for her, that she wasn't alone in this big, scary world, that she had me and her father. Deacon would have made a great father.

When would this feeling go away? Would I ever be able to look at something pertaining to a baby and not want to cry my eyes out or scream on the top of my lungs? They said it got better with time and it did, but at the same time, I always ached for the possibility of what could have been.

A knock on the door had me snapping my head over my shoulder to see who it was. Deacon. "You ladies ready?"

My gaze never left Deacon's, but I heard Sabrina put something down with a clank and say, "I give up. There's so much I need to learn before I even consider getting pregnant."

"There's so much I still need to learn," Scarlet said, walking out behind her. Then she turned around, "Hey, just put that back in the drawer before you leave." She eyed me and I nodded my agreement.

Deacon slowly walked over to me and placed his hands on my shoulders, trailing kisses down my neck. "Come on," he whispered. "Let's join the others."

Nothing more needed to be said. He knew what I was feeling. Frankly, I felt a little stupid because I said I would be fine coming here today, seeing the nursery, but the only thing I did was confirm Deacon's suspicions—that I wouldn't be okay.

I opened the drawer and laid the blanket back in, then closed the drawer and looked over my shoulder at him, turning around in his arms. "I thought it was going to be easier."

He shushed me. "You don't have to explain. I know I'm going to be an uncle and I still can't help but thinking what it would have been like if we had our baby. If I was a dad."

I sighed and closed my eyes for a moment. I wanted to give him that, I really did. I wished I had given him that.

"Should we leave?" he asked.

Shaking my head, I replied, "No. We came here to be part of picking a baby name, so let's do that."

He bent his head down and kissed the top of my head. "You're stronger than you know, princess."