Chapter 1

Chapter One

ELIJAH

Life is full of what-ifs . Those little defining moments of reflection where you ask yourself what your life would be like if you had made different choices. Everyone has them. Those what-ifs can become malicious and persistent, constantly niggling at your subconscious until they completely take over every thought inside your head. Like, what if Mom never left, or what if I never met Julien, or what if I went to Stanford.

The thing about what-ifs —they are nothing but conjecture. Stuff you can't change. And to be honest, stuff I don't want to change. Everything I went through that led me to this very moment was worth it. It shaped me into the man I am now, and I fucking loved that person. As many reservations as I had about coming to CU, I cherish the life I have carved out for myself and the friends that came with it. A life I also get to share with Julien.

No relationship is perfect, nor is it easy. There will always be bumps in the road. Arguments. Tears. Heartbreak. Julien and I could have walked away at any time. Ended our relationship when things became too difficult. We didn't. Love worth having was love you fought for, and Julien and I fought hard for ours.

"Blondie, we're here," David says, pulling his Mustang into an empty parking space.

Ryder about passed out when he saw David's car for the first time. Apparently, 1970 Ford Mustang Boss 429s are a big deal to muscle car enthusiasts. David said that he found it in a junkyard. Got it for five hundred bucks. I swear Ryder teared up when he heard that.

I press the latch to unbuckle my seat belt. "Thanks for the lift."

I had walked to David's new apartment that morning since it was only a half mile away, but he insisted on driving me back.

"Thanks for the help. I owe you a dinner or something."

"No, you don't, but I won't say no to free food."

"How about Saturday? There's this cool place Shawn and I stumbled across that serves the best fried chicken and grits I've ever eaten."

That's Southern cuisine at its finest. Anything fried or cooked with fat back. I could eat my weight in shrimp and grits from Ruby's Diner back home.

"Saturday is date night. Maybe the weekend after?"

It takes a second before he replies, "Sure."

Before I can pull the handle to get out, David turns in his seat and pins me with a serious, whiskey-brown stare.

"Just because I'm not living in the dorms anymore doesn't mean we become ships passing in the night. Got it?"

Chuckling, I reply, "I'll see you every Tuesday and Thursday afternoon."

"That's different. That's work."

Before we left for summer break, Mr. Winters signed off on my aquatherapy program for athletes as part of my research study requirement needed to earn my Bachelor of Science in sports medicine. But that's not the best part. Julien submitted his change of major to his academic adviser in May. I'll get more time with my guy since we'll have three classes together during the week.

I hold my fist out. "You can't get rid of me that easily. I'm a friend burr."

Tapping his fist to mine, deep dimples pop when he grins. After spending the summer out in the sun, his mocha skin is tanned a rich ebony, enhancing the light brown of his eyes. He's also packed on an extra ten pounds of muscle. He looks good. Happier.

David peers through the windshield and gestures toward the building with a lift of his chin. "So, what's up with this Liz chick, and why is Julien freaking out about her?"

David was standing right next to me when Julien called and unfortunately heard everything. David doesn't know what happened to Liz, and that particular nightmare isn't something you bring up in casual conversation.

"Can I get a rain check on that?"

His brows briefly furrow before he smooths them out. "Sure. Text me later?"

"Will do."

I wait until he drives away and can no longer see his taillights before I make my way up the sidewalk. I've spent so much energy worrying about Liz's return and what it would mean for me and Julien. Now that she's back, I feel all kinds of stupid for giving those anxieties merit. Liz is alive . The intense relief I feel is enormous.

It's been over a year since she vanished from the hospital. Over a year of watching Julien, Jayson, and Ryder suffer. Where has she been all this time? Is she okay? Liz lost her entire family in one horrific night. She almost lost her life. The police in Fallen Brook still haven't caught the person responsible. I can only imagine the pain she must live in daily. The fear and the profound loss.

I take the stairs two at a time to the guys' second-floor condo—only to stumble backward when the front door swings wide, and a blur in the shape of Jayson comes barreling past me.

"Dammit, Jay! Stop!" Julien shouts.

Crossing the threshold, I come up short when I see broken glass on the floor and a hole the size of a cantaloupe punched through the drywall.

No Ryder. No Liz. A pissed-off Jayson who almost steamrolled over me. And a disheveled Julien.

"What's going on?"

I block the doorway when Julien tries to circumvent me in pursuit of his brother. The place looks like a fight just went down, and he's my first concern. If Jayson laid a finger on him, I'll kick his ass.

Jayson went from drowning his pain in the bottom of a liquor bottle to using his fists to deal with his emotions. He took up boxing and participates in the local fight club—a term I use loosely for the group of guys who get together just to pound the shit out of one another for kicks.

"Did he hit you?"

"What? No."

I give his face a thorough perusal. I don't see any swelling, bruising, or blood.

"Where's Liz?" I ask.

Julien scrapes his hands through his hair, making the ends stick up at odd angles. "I don't know. Ryder called and said he saw her in the student union. She bolted when he tried to talk to her. And now, the asshole won't answer his phone. Jay lost it."

That's clearly obvious based on the destruction he left.

Julien lifts worried, red-rimmed eyes. "What do we do? I can't just stand around and do nothing. I need to know that she's okay. Fuck ."

I take his tear-ravaged face between my hands and promise him, "We'll find her. You'll see her again. I think the best thing to do is to wait for Ryder."

Julien throws his arms around me and buries his face in my neck. I hold him as tightly as possible, breathing in the fresh scent of soap clinging to his skin from the shower he took after his morning run.

"He better call soon," he says.

"He will. In the meantime, help me clean things up. I'll sweep up the glass if you want to find something to patch the hole in the wall."

It's the only thing I can think of to distract him and give him something to focus on while we wait. I refuse to jump back into old habits where sex offered him a few minutes reprieve.

Julien's chest vibrates with a soft chuckle. "Fucking Jayson. There goes our security deposit."

Their parents are paying for the condo. Mr. and Mrs. Jameson aren't going to be happy.

I rub soothing circles over his back until the tension melts away under my touch. "I'm sure YouTube has a DIY that can show us how to repair drywall."

Julien leans back in the cradle of my arms, and I drown in his gorgeous silver-gray eyes. "I'm so glad you're here."

Threading my fingers with his, I kiss the tip of his nose before lightly brushing my lips across his plush mouth. "No place I'd rather be."

My brain is bursting with questions I want to ask him, but I stack them in a neat pile in the corner of my mind for later. Right now, Julien needs me to be the calm in the chaos. It's a role that's easy to slip back into because I'd played it enough over the last year and a half.

"Where's that dry sweeper thingy?"

"Kitchen pantry. Can you grab the blue painter's tape as well? Top shelf, left. I'll cover the hole with that. How was move-in day?"

Julien's wariness over David hasn't lessened, but he doesn't get in the way of our friendship.

"Didn't take too long. Their place is nice. Three bedrooms and two-and-a-half baths."

Carefully navigating around the glass shards scattered over the laminate wood floor, I go into the kitchen and sigh at the stack of dishes and pans in the sink. I contemplate loading the dishwasher before I tell my feet to keep moving. Like I said, old habits.

Finding what I need in the pantry, I toss Julien the tape and get to work on sweeping the floor. Most of the shards are big, but it's the tiny, jagged slivers that will embed into the soles of your feet that I need to make sure I get. After I sweep, I'll go over everything with the vacuum.

Sunlight streams in when the front door opens.

"What the hell happened?" With the mid-morning light bending around him, Ryder's tall form looks like a partial eclipse.

Julien drops the roll of tape and rushes him. They grab one another in a fierce hug that speaks to the pain they've endured together this past year. I saw it and lived with it every day, but I never lived it like they did.

"Was it really her?" Julien asks, desperation tingeing his voice and making it tremble.

Ryder takes a deep breath and exhales it slowly. "Yeah. It was her."

"How is she? How did she look? Is she okay?"

Ryder walks over to the sofa and wearily collapses like a rag doll that's lost its stuffing. Massaging his temples does little to erase the emotional turmoil he's obviously feeling.

"She looks the same but different. God, I can't even describe it. When I was at the student center, I heard laughter, and I just knew. I knew it was her. I had just been thinking about her. Like my brain magically materialized her right in front of my eyes. She was with this guy I know. Preston. When I called her name, she turned and looked right at me." He rakes his hands down his face and blindly looks around the room. "Where's Jay?"

Julien crouches at his feet. "We'll get to him in a minute. Finish first. I need to hear it all."

Unease prickles my skin when Ryder's eyes spill over with tears.

"Jules, she didn't recognize me. She had no fucking idea who I was. She ran away— from me . What happened to her? I… why… I don't…"

Ryder breaks. A year's worth of fucked-up, crazy emotions come rampaging out, ripped from him in a torrent of anguish. It breaks my fucking heart. Ryder had been the backbone of the three of them. The one who stayed strong and helped me clean up Julien and Jay's messes.

Julien grabs Ryder's hands, his body shaking uncontrollably as he cries with him. A lifetime of months desperately missing Elizabeth come tumbling out into the cramped living room.

Ryder's words are barely articulate. "Fallon was there. She didn't remember him either. What the fuck is going on?"

Fallon was there? I'll need to check on him.

Ryder wipes the wetness from his cheeks with the heels of his palms. "Where's Jay? I need to talk to him."

"I think he left to find her."

Ryder glares in disbelief, then whips out his phone. "Why did you let him leave?"

"I didn't have a choice," Julien angrily retorts.

This entire situation is getting out of control. When Jayson's upset, he does some really stupid shit. He's the exact opposite of "think before you act."

"Don't you guys have location sharing on your phones?" I remind them.