Chapter 28
I couldn’t stopmy knee from bouncing, even when Riley placed his hand over it. Up and down. Up and down. I shifted, trying to smooth out the lump that was pressing into my back between my shoulder blades. Has our couch always been so uncomfortable?
Riley squeezed my leg, as he tried to lend me his strength. Usually, that would be enough, but as I watched Wesley pace the length of our apartment, typing furiously on his phone, I didn’t think anything would ease my nerves.
I thought it should’ve been harder sharing all this shit with Wesley, but he had a way about him that made me just wanna spill all my secrets. It probably helped that he took it all in stride, never once questioning or doubting me. Wes believed me.
And yeah, okay, some of the pictures made it pretty hard not to, but I remembered things now that I hadn’t in years. One of those was when Mr. Chase held up a camera and forced me to ask him for it . . . in detail. That was one of the things that had kept me quiet as a kid, until eventually I never even considered trying to talk. There was no way anyone outside of Riley, and Jay, would have ever believed me over Mr. Chase.
Yet, Wes did. Without question. He never asked me if I was sure or confused. He just took me for my word and immediately went into action.
He told me he had to tell his friend Luca, but he wouldn’t give our information to anyone else. It seemed like Luca was the one who’d found us to begin with, so he already knew everything about us.
I didn’t matter anymore, anyway. I felt numb. All this fuckin’ time, I’d thought I was keeping Riley safe and the fucker had been watching us. For years! There was even a picture of Dad at the boarding house. It was fuckin’ unreal, and I was tired of fighting. If Wes really thought he could do something to end this, I’d take it.
After a while, Wes finally shoved the phone in his pocket and sat on the coffee table in front of us.
“I spoke to Luca. We’ll take care of it.”
“What does that mean?” Ri asked. “It kind of sounds like you’re gonna kill him.”
Wes raised an eyebrow but otherwise kept his face neutral. It was kinda unnervin’ how good he was at that. It was so different from Riley, who showed all his feelings on his face. “Is that what you want?”
I snorted, but then, maybe he was serious? Holy fuck. “Um, I don’t know,” I answered honestly, deciding to take his question as legit.
Wes just nodded. “That’s fair. That’s not the plan right away regardless. I do try to do things legally if I can.”
“What’s your plan then?”
“Luca’s gonna see what he can find on this Mr. Chase. Chances are, if he did this to you, he did it to someone else.”
I dug at the skin on my palm. I needed to do . . . something. “Y-yeah. I was . . . I was afraid of that. I shoulda said something sooner.”
Ri grabbed my chin, wrenching my head toward him. “This ain’t your fuckin’ fault. Don’t start goin’ there, baby.” He glared at Wes. “This ain’t his fault. Don’t you dare tell him otherwise.”
“I would never, Riley. It’s not his fault. Or yours.”
I couldn’t speak, but I tilted my head once Ri let my face go, so Wes knew to keep going.
“Once we have eyes on him and more information, we can go one of two ways. Either we’ll handle it. We’ll try the legal way first and get this bastard arrested. If that fails, then well, we’ll try other ways. Either way we’ll take care of it.”
“I thought you had to go to South America?” Ri asked suspiciously.
Wes sighed, the first sign he was at all affected by this. “I did. I still do. I wish I could push it off, but I can’t.”
“We’ll be fine,” Riley said, already shutting down. “You don’t gotta do any of this for us. You don’t owe us anything, and we sure as shit don’t wanna owe you.”
“Ri,” I hissed. Normally, I’d agree, but I was just so tired. I couldn’t do this anymore. I wanted to know Riley had someone else in his corner, and if that meant exposing myself and trusting someone, then I would.
“It’s fine. I don’t expect either of you to trust me. It’s smart, really. All I can do is prove myself. And show that I’m not going anywhere.” He leveled Riley with a look so similar to the one he gave me sometimes that I shuddered. I could feel Riley doin’ the same next to me. “I can’t avoid this trip, unfortunately, but Luca and his guys are staying on top of it.”
“What does that mean?”
“It just means that they’ll make sure the information gets where it needs to get and they’ll keep an eye on this bastard.”
I met Wes’s eyes. “You trust them to keep Riley safe?”
“Yes.” No doubt. No hesitation.
“Seriously, Beckett. You’re okay with this?”
I kissed Ri, not caring that Wesley was there. “Not really, but, butterfly, I can’t do this on my own anymore.” Riley gasped, understanding how much that confession must’ve taken out of me.
“Okay.” He turned back to Wesley.
“Don’t fail us. I’m not sure we’ll survive it.”
Wesley stood, his expression hard. “I won’t.” He hesitated, like he wanted to reach out to us, but I knew we both looked unapproachable.
“Don’t go anywhere alone. Keep your door locked at all times and don’t open it without checking to see who it is, and only to someone you know.”
“Okay,” I responded, just wanting him gone before I broke down.
“Be safe.” Thankfully, he left.
“Becks, talk to me,” Riley said quietly, like he was afraid that if he talked too loudly, I’d implode. He was probably right.
I didn’t even open my eyes to look at him. I shifted in the bed.
“Nothin’ to talk about,” I mumbled when it was clear he wasn’t leaving.
I really needed him to go, even if I couldn’t bring myself to say the words. I’d never told Riley to leave me alone before, and even when I was pissed and on the brink of losing it, it was hard to say it out loud.
“Baby, I can see you spiralin’ right in front of me.”
I snorted. “Don’t know what you want from me. I don’t got nothin’ else to give. Just . . . leave me alone.”
The words felt like a knife in my chest, even before I heard Ri’s quiet gasp filled with pain. The bed dipped, and I almost gave in and turned toward him and took him in my arms where he belonged. But the weight of the day was just too much, and I couldn’t dredge up the energy, even for Riley. I was just too raw, too angry to take that step.
“Beckett . . .”
I shook my head. “Please, Riley. If you don’t back off, I’m gonna do or say somethin’ I’ll regret. And I’m tryin’ so fuckin’ hard not to take it out on you, but it’s hard right now.”
Riley sucked in a breath, and I could feel the tension between us.
“Becks . . . are you mad at me?” He sounded so young and innocent. It was my job to comfort him and assure him we were good, but I didn’t have it in me.
I knew deep down that this wasn’t Ri’s fault. The fucker had been planning this for years. Since the beginning, I guessed. He’d always been ready. As much as I kept telling myself that, it was still hard not to think that if he’d just let things go, Mr. Chase would’ve never acted on this. I’d never have to see those photos and realize how badly I’d failed my family.
“Ri, please, just fuckin’ go. I can’t talk right now.”
“I already feel like shit. Please don’t push me away.”
I sighed heavily as I opened my eyes. It felt like my head weighed 1000 pounds as I turned it toward him. “I don’t have the energy to make you feel better about yourself right now. I know you were tryin’ help me and get justice or whatever the fuck you were thinkin’, but there ain’t no justice for people like us, Riley. Just more pain and sufferin’, and I can’t fuckin’ do it anymore. So just fuckin’ go, and for fuck’s sake, stop tryin’ to help.”
As soon as the words left my mouth, I felt awful. But by the time I could find it in me to fix it, Riley had already choked on a sob and run out of the room, the door slamming behind him. Fuck, that wasn’t good. Ri didn’t back down. Normally, he’d be right in my face, telling me all the ways I’d fucked up and not letting anything go till we’d made it right. I had to have hurt him badly for him leave like that.
I closed my eyes. This was better really. Then, once I could be sure I could speak to him without hurting him, I’d apologize and things would be fine. I needed to be alone now.
But as soon as I was, my throat started closing and my skin started burning as the walls closed in. I fisted the comforter, and tried to stay present, but it wasn’t enough. I dug my nails into my wrist, drawing blood. My throat tightened, my chest heavy. I needed more. I opened my mouth to call for Riley—I needed my butterfly—but no words would come. Why the fuck did I send him away?
There was something under the pillow. I stuck my hand under it, and smiled when I felt the knife. It was Ri’s and I had no fuckin’ idea why it was there, but I wasn’t complaining. Something calmed inside me as the weight settled in my hand. I flicked open the blade, my focus on the sharp steel. It would be so easy to press this into my skin and get some relief. The only thing that would matter was the pain. Beautiful, blissful relief.
I pressed the blade to my wrist. I pushed in but not enough to cut. Riley. I’d promised him I wouldn’t do this, that I’d go to him. But I’d also promised him I’d never push him away and I’d already done that, so what was breaking one more? It was his fault I felt like this anyway. If he’d just let it go, like I’d been doing for the last ten years, then everything would have been fine.
I bit the inside of my cheek so hard it bled. STOP. It wasn’t Riley’s fault. He was looking after me. I’d have done the same thing in his shoes. Oh, fuck that, I would’ve killed that fucker and anyone who even looked at my butterfly wrong if I ever found out something like that had happened. The streets would’ve fuckin’ been red with blood. No one in my path would’ve been left standing.
But I wasn’t Riley, and things worked differently for me. I took the hard shit so he didn’t have to. I was fine with that. I could deal with it. I had my past so locked down, I barely thought about it. Seeing Mr. Chase again awakened all this shit that I’d wanted to keep buried, and even if I knew Ri was right and I couldn’t ignore it anymore, it didn’t make it hurt any less.
I pushed the knife a little bit harder, my hand shaking as I betrayed my butterfly, but I couldn’t stop it. I needed a way out.
The door creaked open. “Riley, please, I don’t wanna hurt you.”
“Ain’t Riley, and I ain’t leavin’.”
“Jay?”
The bed sunk and I relaxed a fraction as I felt Jay’s body heat next to me.
“Yeah, man. Who the fuck else would deal with your sorry ass right now?”
I snorted, my lips quirking a bit. Not quite a smile, but still.
“Think I’m allowed to sulk.”
“True.”
I was still holding the knife, but I stopped pressing in. I had only nicked my skin, barely any blood. I rolled my head to look at Jay.
“Did Riley tell you what happened?”
“Nah, he just said somethin’ bad happened and you’re not doin’ so great. Said you wouldn’t let him in the room and was worried.”
My fingers clenched around the hilt. “Is he okay?”
“Yeah. He’s sittin’ outside the door, probably can hear everything we say.”
“Alone?” The knife pinched my skin.
“Dakota’s out there with him. He’ll be fine, Beck.”
I swallowed, my head a fuckin’ mess. I hated that I’d kicked Riley out and blamed him, but I also couldn’t get my throat to work to call him in. It was all a jumble that wouldn’t get untangled no matter how hard I fuckin’ tried. I closed my eyes. Maybe I could rest, just for a little bit.
“Beck, are we gonna talk about that knife at all?”
Jay was whispering so Riley couldn’t hear, but the worry was clear, even if he was trying to keep it casual.
“No. Don’t take it.”
“Not takin’ it. Just maybe, if you plan on cuttin’ deeper, tell me first?”
That sounded reasonable so I nodded. “Yeah, okay.”
Jay didn’t say anything else, just lay next to me, his arm barely touching mine, and I just focused on breathing.
“We’re bein’ stalked,” I blurted. Fuck, wasn’t how I meant to share this. “By the guy who, uh, who did things to me as a kid.” I still couldn’t say the fuckin’ word.
“’Scuse me, what?”
I shared everything then. It was the second time today I spilled my whole fuckin’ life. But this time felt less like getting skinned alive, and more cathartic. This was Jay. The fact he didn’t say anything and let me just talk said everything.
After a while, things started to make more sense. Usually, this was when I’d fall so deep, it would take days to get back, but I managed to hang on this time. My grip on the knife loosened.
“Riley.” I was so exhausted, I couldn’t get any other words out, but that one was all I needed. Fuck, I’d barely said his name before my butterfly barged in and climbed onto the bed.
He moved to my other side, and while I couldn’t let go of the knife yet, I snicked it closed and opened my arm for him, finally able to breathe again when he cuddled against me.
“I’m sorry.” He sniffled. Fuck, had he been crying?
“I’m sorry too.” I kissed his head, letting him know we were good. He kissed my chest.
“You may as well tell Dakota to get in here too. No reason for him to stay out by himself.”
Jay propped himself up on his elbow to look me in the eye. “You sure?”
“Yeah. I’m sure. I ain’t gonna hurt myself. I’m sorry I thought about it, butterfly.”
“It’s okay.”
Jay picked up his phone and texted Dakota. About a minute later, he was standing in the doorway.
“C’mere, darlin’,” Jay called.
Dakota looked directly at me. “Are you sure? I won’t be offended if you just want to be with your family now.”
That was really what we were. A fucked-up family. But they were mine, and I wouldn’t trade them for the world.
“I gotta feelin’ you’ll be part of this family for a long time. C’mon.”
Dakota smiled, even if he still looked unsure. “The bed isn’t big enough.”
“Sure it is,” Riley answered and rolled himself so he was on top of me. Laughing, I scooted us both over. Dakota finally climbed into the bed on the other side of Jay, and I closed my eyes again. Usually, I needed space when I got into that mindset, except from Riley. Even Jay being that close could be too much. I wasn’t sure why this time was different, but with Riley crushing me and Jay pressed right up against me, I felt lighter than I had in months. My family was close. We were all safe. Maybe we were struggling, but we were here, and at the end of the day, what more could you ask for?