Chapter 26

Why wassomeone beating my head with a hammer? Or maybe it just felt like that.

“Mornin’, sleepin’ beauty.” I groaned and shoved my pillow over my head.

“Why’re you yellin’?”

“Not yellin’, butterfly,” Something touched my shoulder: Becks’s lips. “You’re just hung over.”

Ugh. This fuckin’ sucked. No wonder I rarely drank. Besides the fact that I saw the worst side of drinking every fuckin’ day growing up.

“I’m sleepin’ for a thousand years. Don’t wake me up.”

Becks just huffed out a laugh. “Let me get ya somethin’ for your head. Close your eye for a little longer.”

Gladly. I must’ve dozed off because when I opened my eyes again, Becks was snuggled into my back and there was a glass of water and a couple of painkillers sitting on the table.

With my eyes half open, I felt around until I grabbed the pills, swallowed them dry, then wiggled out of Beckett’s hold enough to sit up and drink the glass. My mouth was so dry, and the lukewarm water wasn’t enough. I got out of bed so I could take a piss and brush my teeth. Hopefully that would get rid of some of this cotton taste.

Beckett was awake and playing around on his phone by the time I came back. He put it down as I climbed back into bed with him.

“Are Jay and Dakota still here?”

“Nah, Dakota must’ve taken Jay back to his place already.” I flushed, when I remembered how we’d gotten a little crazy last night. “Was I a total jackass?”

“Nah, only a little bit.” I shoved at Becks as he laughed.

“Y’all were fine. It’s okay to let go once in a while.”

I raised an eyebrow at him. “Yeah, like you do?”

Becks lightly bit my shoulder. “Whatever. I let go.”

“Yeah . . . okay . . . if you say so.”

“Shh, this ain’t about me. How’re you feelin’?”

“Like I got run over by a truck and then thrown onto a train track to get hit by the train.”

“I mean with everything else.”

I turned toward Beckett, takin’ a minute to just look at him. So much had happened in such a short time, neither of us had had a chance to breathe. I didn’t want to think about any of the bullshit and just be with Becks. Unfortunately, we both had work and couldn’t do that. I wanted to just be . . . but that wasn’t how our lives went.

“Honestly, I don’t fuckin’ know. I’m more pissed than anything.”

He seemed surprised by that. Beckett ran his fingers through my hair, and it was hard not to push into his touch. Then I realized there was no reason to hold back and I did just that.

“About Wesley?”

I shrugged. “Sort of, but not just that. The hits just keep fuckin’ comin’. We don’t have a chance to fuckin’ process the first thing before the next comes along. And we made a big change, Becks. Like, shouldn’t we be freakin’ out? I spent years so paranoid you’d find out about my crush on you and be disgusted, and now we’re, well, whatever the fuck we are, but we haven’t really talked about it. We haven’t decided what we’re tellin’ people outside of Jay. Are you my boyfriend? That sounds dumb as hell, but you’re not just my brother anymore, even if you’ll always be my brother, and I want to talk about you at work or wherever, but I don’t know how. We went on a date, but are we datin’? This should be the biggest thing in our lives right now. We should be enjoyin’ and analyzin’ every moment as we figure this out, but we can’t. It’s become fuckin’ back burner, and I don’t want us to be on the back burner, Becks. Not ever.”

I took a breath, feeling a little lightheaded after that speech. But I also felt better. It had been in the back of my mind for weeks now, but between Jay’s mom, Mr. Chase, our dad, work, the college thing—that also had been all but forgotten about—and now my sperm donor, it had fallen to the wayside. I was exhausted.

Becks melted as he held out his arms. “C’mere, butterfly.” I all but jumped into them.

“That’s it. We’re okay. It’s been a rough few months, huh?”

I nodded as I rubbed my face against Becks’s bare chest. It was still lightly bruised, but it didn’t seem to be bothering him much. I was careful to avoid that, though, and smiled as he squeezed me tighter till I could barely breathe.

“The worst,” I answered him, though that probably wasn’t true. We’d been through worse. I was just being whiney and bratty.

Neither of us spoke for a long time, but I didn’t mind. Becks was processing my word vomit, and I was just . . . tired. I was tired of talking about my problems, of worrying. I closed my eyes and was just there, at least for a few minutes.

“Is there somethin’ specific you feel like we should be freakin’ out about? With us, I mean? I’ll admit, I was worried at first. I felt like I was takin’ advantage of you, that it was wrong or unnatural, but those feelings faded pretty quick. It just felt too right to be wrong. Yeah, it ain’t normal, but what about our lives is? I’ve always known you belong to me and me to you, so once I let go of all the nasty words and doubts, it only made sense to take the next step. I want you in every way you’ll let me have you. And probably in ways you won’t.”

I grinned, that fist clenching my heart eased at his words. I knew he wanted this, but it still felt good getting verbal confirmation. “And what are we? Like, if someone at work asks, are you my boyfriend?”

“I guess? I don’t hate the idea of you callin’ me that.”

I squeezed his forearm, the only thing I could reach. “I don’t hate that either.”

I squirmed around until I was facing him again and cupped his bruised cheek. “I guess we should talk about yesterday.”

“Only if you want.”

I didn’t. But it wouldn’t go away even if I ignored it. I always gave shit to Becks about avoiding stuff, so I wouldn’t be a hypocrite and do it now. “Do you believe him?”

“I do. He came to the bar last night and we had a long talk.”

Becks then told me about everything Wes had told him and explained how he’d gotten his number if I wanted to speak to him. I was a little annoyed that Becks handled that on his own, but who was I to get mad about that? I literally did the same thing to him when I went to the shelter. We took care of each other, sometimes in ways that were invasive and probably too much, but yeah, it was what it was.

I didn’t know what to make of the conversation, though, or of Wesley Hayes. I knew I should probably give him the benefit of the doubt. It seemed Wesley really had no idea that I existed. I couldn’t be pissed at him for abandoning me if he didn’t know, right? Still, the anger was there, irrational or not, and I didn’t know how to let it go, at least not yet.

“I’m not sure if I want to speak to him. Is that okay?”

Becks kissed my neck and pushed his hips against me. I pushed back. I wished we weren’t wearing underwear. “That’s totally fine. It’s your decision, butterfly. I’ll be here for you no matter what.”

“And he’s stayin’ around here?”

“I think so, at least for a little bit. Said he was a private contractor now but had taken some time off. Don’t know how much.”

That was a problem for later. I’d probably want to speak to him sometime, but right now, I just wanted to lie with Becks and forget everything else.

Eventually, Becks and I got up, threw on sweats, and made our way out of the room. We ate bowls of cereal on the couch and watched shitty TV until it was time for us to get ready for work. Neither of us talked about any of the bullshit goin’ on. We were just . . . there, and it felt fuckin’ awesome.

It was time to get to work. We agreed that we wouldn’t go off on our own if we could avoid it, so Becks went with me to the restaurant and then hitched a ride with a coworker who lived in the area. It was rare he worked overnights at the factory, but it was the shift he was covering for getting off for our date. Jay was going to pick me up and I was gonna borrow the truck to get Beckett when his shift was over. It was a pain in the ass and probably overkill, but I understood the precautions.

We paused before going our separate ways. I stood on my tiptoes, and leaned in for a kiss, relieved when Becks obliged without hesitation.

“Have a good day, butterfly. If you need me for anything or start feelin’ low again, call me. I don’t care that I’m at work or whatever other bullshit. Call. Me.”

I nodded, just relieved that Beckett was giving me an out I didn’t have to feel guilty about. I thought I’d be fine. I was feeling so much better after today. I had no idea what I was gonna do about Wesley, but I didn’t need to decide that immediately.

I started to back away, but Becks stopped me, and kissed me again. “I’ll be fine, Becks.”

“I know you will. I’ll see you in the morning.”

“Love you,” I whispered to him before I forced myself to take a step back so we weren’t late.

“Love you too.”

We finally turned away from each other. It was ridiculous how hard that was.

We were grown ass men who’d had to spend a lot of time apart because, you know, work and lives, but every time hurt. Even before this shift in our relationship, I’d always felt like something was missing when Becks wasn’t around, but it had only gotten worse now.

It was this never-ending itch under my skin, wondering if he was okay and safe, if anyone was bothering him or, worse, flirting with him. At least I didn’t have to worry about that last one durin’ his factory shifts. Instead, I just worried about him losing a fuckin’ arm. What the hell did it say about me that losing limbs didn’t scare me as much as some twink flirting with Beckett? I was the only twink that should be flirting with him . . .

I shook the thoughts out of my head before I got murderous. I was being dumb. Becks had never flirted back with anyone, even before we’d gotten together. We had enough problems. I didn’t need to add nonexistent ones to our issues too.

Work went fine. I apologized to my boss for yesterday, which he brushed off, just glad I was feeling better. Nathan was such a cool guy. I kind of wanted to be him when I grew up. Besides the owning a restaurant part. I still didn’t really know what I wanted to do, which was why I was just getting a general studies associate’s for now, but I’d probably kill someone if I had to deal with what he did every day.

I felt light as I walked out of the restaurant after closing. Things had been good today. It had felt so fuckin’ bleak before, like my world was ending. It was crazy how quickly things could change. Besides my lingering headache from the hangover, I felt good and ready to tackle anything.

That feeling lasted the whole way home. I got home just fine and texted Becks that I was good. Jay left me the truck and went home with Dakota. I was still feeling relaxed and happy as I put the leftovers in the fridge and through my shower, and even after when I finally crawled into bed. Usually, I struggled to sleep on my own, but I passed out easily, and only woke when Becks crawled in next to me.

I woke up hungry but refreshed. This was the turning point for us. I could feel it. We’d finally gotten the break we’d desperately needed. Things were going to turn around. I was so fuckin’ sure of it. I didn’t know exactly what had happened yesterday for me to have this 180, but I wasn’t complaining.

I took advantage of my mood and time to myself and cleaned up the apartment a bit. I didn’t even know the last time we’d gotten laundry done, so I dragged my ass down to the basement machines to get our stuff washed. It was ridiculous how expensive these stupid machines were, but it still beat having to drag our stuff to a laundromat out of the building.

While waiting for the machine, I let my thoughts drift, specifically to Wesley. I needed to talk to him; I just wasn’t sure if I was ready for it. Becks believed his story, so I did too, but it didn’t make things easier for me to deal with. Still, I couldn’t brush it off forever. Maybe I’d ask Becks for Wesley’s number. Yeah, I could do that. I could at least add his number to my phone. That wasn’t committing to a relationship or anything. It was just a phone number.