Chapter 22 - Peter

There is no thought in me, no emotion. I race through the woods, my legs moving so quickly, I can barely feel my paws drumming against the ground. My breath burns in my throat, and my heart pounds in my chest like it’s going to burst against my ribs.

Keep going, just keep going!

I have to prove the spell is broken, but more than that, I have to get away from Lucy. The last few days have been nothing short of hell, and I need to forget them.

I need to forget everything. All of this.

My muscles work even harder as I hit the steep ridge of the mountain. I’m definitely outside the reach of the spell now, and I feel no resistance or anxiety, just a fierce desire to get higher into the peaks, as far from people as I can get.

Even though I’m pushing myself so hard just so I can clear my head, images keep flashing through my mind, and I can’t stop them. The memories are sensory, engulfing me no matter how hard I try to push them away.

Lucy’s smile as she looks up at me first thing in the morning, and the joy it brought me. Soft sheets wrapping around us, sliding against my skin as I reach for her in the middle of the night. Crumbly dough on my fingertips, sugar on my tongue… and the sweet smell of fresh peaches.

Charging to an outcrop that angles out across the dangerous drop below, I throw my head back and howl. My sorrow peals into the cold sky and echoes around me, ringing off the peaks and coming back to me over and over again.

I lower my head, panting from exertion. My paws twitch as my wolf tries to make me flee straight back down the mountain and right into her arms.

She doesn’t want me! She couldn’t wait to break the spell! Over the last few days, she hasn’t come to me even once.

The pain raging inside me is fueled by the memories of the days we spent together as a happy couple. That bliss shattered for me when she told me her mentor was coming to break the tether, and the days that followed only brought me more doubt and pain.

But just now, in the clearing, she tried to hold on to me… and I ran.

The loss builds inside me until I have to throw my head back and howl again. I’ve lived alone for so long, a solitary rogue who doesn’t even deserve to howl his misery at an indifferent sky.

As the sound spirals down into my chest, I lower my head and squeeze my eyes shut.

Alone. Always alone.

Then, I hear a howl from the valley below. Chills run through me, making all my fur stand on end.

“I hear you, brother! I hear you!”

I’m so shocked at being answered, I can’t even move. I’ve been alone for so long, I never dared to howl, ever. Not just because it’s very dangerous for a lone wolf to do so… but because I knew I couldn’t stand the cold silence that would follow.

Another howl splits the air from somewhere above me, high on the snowy peak.

“I hear you, brother, I hear you! Wolves, attend!”

From three separate places above me, howls answer the call. The air splits with the baying of wolves as they join their voices to the song.

“Attend, attend! The pack answers you, brother!”

From beneath me, more howls, yips, and barks sound, steadily getting closer.

“We hear you, and we come! Welcome, brother!”

Even though Rider’s voice is definitely in the chorus, every single wolf is calling me “brother.” Emotions I can’t name flood through me, leaving me frozen on the outcrop, looking back to the forest in disbelief.

Above me, I detect three pure white wolves. They move only slightly, just enough so I can see them. All of them can camouflage easily on the icy peaks. Before long, I catch the scents of Kelta and Dane.

From below, Rider’s scent gets stronger as he approaches. Behind him, the pattering of paws announces the rest of the pack following his head.

But when the first wolf breaks through the tree line, it is not Rider. The wolf is far too small and colored bright golden-brown. It yips excitedly and bounds across the snowy plain to meet me.

Caleb.

The pup barrels into me like a furry bowling ball, knocking me off all four feet so we roll through the snow. Caleb pounces and growls, baring his little puppy teeth as he play-fights me around the clearing.

“We heard you!” he yips excitedly. “Your pack answers you, uncle!”

It’s a good thing I’m in my wolf shape, because I would cry like a fucking baby right now if I wasn’t.

Even so, a high whine escapes my throat, with a painful yelp following it, the sort of sound I might make if I was injured unexpectedly. Caleb bumps my nose with his own, and Rider sidles up to me, leaning his body against mine.

“Welcome, brother.”

“Is this what it means to have a pack?” I ask, though as wolves, we do not speak. Though our communication is far simpler, told with body language, blinks, gestures, and whispery sounds.

As well as great, spiraling howls that announce joy, sorrow, or a request for help.

“Yes,” comes my brother’s simple reply.

Caleb hurls his tiny snout into the air and howls, wagging his tail like crazy. All the other wolves howl as well, the mountains singing with joy in response to our sound. After hesitating for one long, frightening moment, I turn my head to the sky and join my voice to the song.

Welcome, brother! the wolves cry.

I am one with you , my trembling howl answers. I am one with the pack .

Caleb is turning in little circles, yipping like a chihuahua as he overflows with excitement. Rider bays a command and turns to race down the mountain. I join the ranks of the pack and run with my brothers and sisters as we charge through the forest.

As we run, other wolves swing close to me, barking happily to show me they welcome me. Fiona comes close, pushing her shoulder against me playfully. I return the gesture, feeling my heart singing with joy at the feeling of connection it gives me.

I can feel the shackles that have bound me my whole life unlocking and falling away with every bounding step. Still, beneath it all, there is pain lurking, and I know I can’t be truly free if I don’t face it.

I miss Lucy.

I have only been out of her presence for less than an hour, and I miss her more than I ever thought possible. The arrival of my pack, their acceptance of me—it’s by far the most moving thing that has ever happened to me. But I can’t erase Lucy’s tear-filled eyes from my mind.

As we come down the hill into New Hope, I realize Amanda was right.

I am not free. I miss Lucy too much to ever go far away, and now my connection to the pack means I must stay… or be forever outcast.

Even though I spent most of my life alone, far from the community of any pack, the idea of being alone again terrifies me.

I thought I could go back to the life I had before—my small, empty existence, where I had no fear and nothing to lose. But it’s too late. I have love, and I give love, and now I can’t live without it.

When we reach the main hall of town, we shift back to our human forms, and people come out with warm blankets and cloaks for us. They usher us inside, where food is laid out on the tables. Pots of warm cider and mulled wine bubble gently on the stove.

“Thank you,” I say gratefully as Jen hands me a cup of cider.

“You’re a real drama king, you know that?” she says, nudging me with her elbow. “Screaming up on top of the mountain like that. You almost woke the damn dead.”

“Sorry,” I mutter, blushing a little. “I honestly forgot I wasn’t alone.”

“And you never will be, ever again,” Rider says, coming up behind me and putting an arm around my shoulders. “It’s good to see you, but next time, just come and visit, okay? You don’t have to call the entire pack to attention.”

“Is that what I did?” I ask.

Caleb pushes his way through Jen and Rider and nods, looking up at me with his little fists on his hips. “You sure did. That was the call of a wolf in distress. Every able-bodied wolf must answer.”

“Shit,” I mumble. “Sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry,” Fiona says, joining us. “But come and sit down with me for a bit. I’d like to know what upset you so badly.”

“Don’t we all?” Jen grumbles, looking at me over the rim of her cup with suspicious eyes.

“Don’t even,” Rider warns, wagging a finger at her.

“What?” she asks, blinking innocently. “I’m not saying anything.”

“Not yet,” Rider shoots back. “Keep it that way, and let Fiona handle this.”

Jen gives a mock salute, and Fiona takes my arm and leads me to a nearby table to sit down. I sip the warm cider, letting the heat and sweet, tangy taste soothe me.

“I’m guessing this has to do with Lucy?” Fiona asks. “Is she okay?”

“Yup,” I say with a nod. “She’s fine.”

My confident words are followed by a wince as I remember my last look at her tear-streaked face.

“Okay,” Fiona says firmly. “Out with it. Tell me what happened.”

I sigh, hating the squirmy, guilty feeling in my guts. It’s exactly the kind of thing I’d usually run from—except I have a pack now, and if I want their help, I have to prove I’m a part of them.

“Her mentor came,” I begin, a bit hesitantly. “We went out to break the spell, but she said the tether was already broken. That the wedding ceremony worked and we could have left at any time.”

Fiona’s eyes widen in surprise. “So, why didn’t you?”

“I wish people would stop asking me that,” I mutter.

“It’s a fair question, Peter,” she insists. “I am your luna. If you will not listen to me as your sister-in-law, you will obey me as you would a superior. Tell me why you didn’t leave.”

“I’ve never done well with authority,” I growl.

She glares at me, and I see the glow of her wolf shimmering in her eyes. “Then throw down, newbie. But remember the pack rules.”

I close my eyes and look away. The horrible feeling in my guts is getting worse, and I know I can’t keep running from it. I have to face it.

“I do not wish to fight you, Luna,” I say.

“Good,” Fiona says. “Tell me why you didn’t leave Lucy, even though you could have.”

“I thought we were still tethered, so I didn’t…” But as I start to speak, Fiona glares at me even harder, and I know she won’t be satisfied by a surface answer. I sigh, closing my eyes.

“Because I didn’t want to,” I grumble.

“Sorry? I didn’t hear that.”

“Because I didn’t want to.”

“One more time?”

“BECAUSE I DIDN’T WANT TO!” my voice comes roaring out of my throat. My hands clench so hard on my mug of cider, it shatters all over my lap.

When I look up at Fiona, she’s grinning. Her eyes are still hard but dancing with mischief.

“There you are,” she says. “Was that really so difficult?”

“It really was,” I groan.

“So, what were you doing up on the mountain sending distress calls if you know you love Lucy?”

“I ran,” I answer, shaking my head. “I had to. It doesn’t matter what I feel. She doesn’t want me.”

“What in holy fucking hell gave you that idea?” Fiona demands. “She adores you!”

“So why did she act like she wanted the tether broken?” I snap. “Ever since she heard her mentor was coming, she’s been all distant and cold. I figured she couldn’t wait to get rid of me.”

“Lord,” Fiona mumbles, pressing her palm to her forehead. “I’m sorry, Peter, but this is ridiculous. She loves you. I know she does.”

“So, why—”

“Look, I can’t speak for her,” Fiona cuts me off. “All she did was tell me how she felt, that she wants you, but she’s afraid you don’t want her. The two of you need to have a conversation about this.”

“Yeah,” I say, nodding and sighing. “But does it have to be now? I’m exhausted… and I’m not sure I can talk to Lucy right now.”

Fiona rubs my arm, giving me a sympathetic look. I don’t want to tell her that I’m ashamed of the way I left—not even acknowledging Lucy’s tears or pain as I fled into the woods.

Far better if Fiona believes I’m just awkward and stressed.

“Stay with us a couple of days,” she says. “Take a rest, and return to her when you know what you want to say.”

“Thanks, Fiona,” I say.

Even if I have forever to think about it, I won’t know what I want to say to Lucy.