Chapter 9

9

Holly

B eing without Jenson was a lot fucking harder than I thought it would be. When I rode away, that pain had been excruciating. Even now, as I handed in my final exam for the semester, the pain was still there. A consistent throb that never wavered. An empty hole where he should have been residing.

When Jenson realized I was gone for good, he stopped calling. And that hurt even more. But even though this sucked, I refused to regret my decision to focus on my future. To do what was best for me.

I shouldered my bag and walked out of the classroom into the quiet hallway. All of my stuff was already packed and in my car, ready for me to go back home until it was time for me to come back to campus and move into my next dorm room for the new school year. My freshman year of college was officially over, and summer break was here… a break I wasn't prepared to endure. Not yet. Not in the house next to the man I was still so deeply in love with.

The same man whose bedroom was right across from mine.

I knew avoiding him would be impossible, and I wasn't prepared for it.

Pain lanced through my chest, and I swallowed back tears. I refused to cry. I couldn't. Not anymore. All these months had not made being without him any easier. I still craved him. Ached for him. But I was stronger than this.

I had lived without him this long. I could continue to heal. Continue loving and putting myself first. I had to.

I blew out a soft breath and clenched my jaw, steeling myself. I would survive this.

There was no other option.

My hands shook on the steering wheel when I pulled into the driveway, slowly rolling to a stop, my eyes glued to Jenson. He was washing his truck, his shirt tossed onto his front porch. He was barefoot, his strong legs only partially covered by a pair of swim shorts. His broad shoulders and tan, glistening back were on full display for me to ogle.

I couldn't rip my eyes from him.

He turned to see who had turned into my parents' driveway, and his muscles tensed when his eyes locked on mine through my window. I quickly looked away and forced myself out of the car, my hands shaky. I tightened my grip on my keys before fumbling with them to find the house key so I could get inside and away from him.

"Holly," he rumbled. I jerked in surprise, a squeak ripping from my lips when I turned to face him. He was standing right in front of me, so close that I could feel his body heat radiating outward. His eyes captivated mine, pain and torment and misery swirling within their depths. My heart painfully throbbed in my chest.

I had no idea when he'd moved, when he'd come over here, but I knew this was unavoidable. He wasn't letting me disappear into my house. Disappear from him.

I sank my teeth into my bottom lip to keep it from quivering. That hole in my chest widened, making me draw in a shuddered breath from the new, agonizing pain.

He still looked the same. Still so ruggedly beautiful that he stole my breath away. Still strong and fit. That neatly trimmed dark beard still covered his jaw.

"You left," he quietly said, his words as much of a punishment to my soul as they were an accusation against me.

Anger burned inside of me at his audacity. I took a step back from him, shaking my head, my hand curling into a fist around my keys again. I latched onto that anger like a lifeline. I could be angry. I could handle that emotion.

"Don't you dare ," I hissed, glaring up at him. He clenched his jaw, a storm brewing in his own eyes. "You gave me an ultimatum—you or my future. I love you, Jenson, so much that these past several months have been the worst few months of my existence, but I had to make the choice that was best for me."

"Fuck how I felt, huh?" he bitterly responded. "Fuck if I'd been ready to pay your college tuition. Fuck if I'd been ready to take care of you."

"Well, you never said any of that!" I barked at him. I shoved my hand through my hair and shook my head, drawing in a deep breath to calm myself a little. "You told me to tell my parents or we were over," I hissed, forcing my voice to lower. "And then you fucking left ." Tears blurred my vision and spilled down my cheeks. His anger immediately evaporated, and he reached for me. I quickly jerked away from him, a sob bubbling in my throat. "So, I left too, Jenson. But you fucking left first. Don't ever forget that."

"Doll—"

"Don't," I croaked, shaking now. "Please, fuck, do not call me that. I can't—" I sobbed, squeezing my eyes shut.

His arms enveloped me, and I trembled so badly my entire body quaked, clinging to him even though I shouldn't. He crushed me to him, his face buried in my hair. "You left, Jenson," I sobbed, my hands limp at my sides. I couldn't handle hugging him.

"I don't like hiding you, Holly. I fucking hate it," he rasped. "You're mine. My entire goddamn world. I worship you, baby doll." I sobbed again, his words somehow hurting me even more and healing me all at the same time. "But God—fuck. I cannot go through this again. I can't live without you, Holly."

He released me but then clasped my face in his hands, pressing his mouth to mine. I was crying too hard to properly kiss him back, but he didn't care. "Please let me fix this," he begged when we parted, his eyes roving over my features. "We've got a lot to figure out, Holly. So much. But I'd rather have half of you than nothing at all."

I sniffled and nodded, giving in—probably too easily. But I didn't care. He still wanted me, and God , I fucking needed him. He crushed me to him again before lifting me. I wrapped my arms and legs around him and let him carry me to his house. I burrowed my face in the crook of his neck, my tears soaking into his skin.

"Promise we'll figure this out?" I croaked.

He nodded, his fingertips digging into my skin as he tightened his hold on me. "I swear, doll. I'm not losing you again. Never fucking again."