Chapter Six

7 years and 8 months later

"Aksel messaged me!" Belinda blurted out the moment she entered the dining room. "He's finally coming home!"

Lucien froze with his spoon halfway to his mouth. His ears were suddenly ringing, and it felt like he was watching the proceedings from very far away. He could barely hear Vagrippa and Belinda discussing the happy news. Apparently, Aksel's deployment had ended, and he was being reassigned to the capital.

He was coming home, for good.

Feeling Royce's watchful eyes on him, Lucien smiled, said how pleased he was, and promptly changed the subject. He was quite good at smiling and looking fully engaged in a conversation even when his mind was elsewhere.

And it was.

Aksel was coming home.

The thought drowned out all the others in Lucien's head for the next few days.

To be fair, it wasn't as though it was a truly surprising piece of news. Ever since the war between Kadar and Pelugia had ended, it had been a forgone conclusion that Aksel would finally return home. But still, expecting something and being told it would happen within days were two different things.

Aksel was coming home.

Lucien wasn't sure how that made him feel. There was elation and excitement, but there was also apprehension. He was scared. He was elated. And scared.

Looking back, with the perspective of distance and time, Lucien could see that the relationship between him and Aksel had been odd at best—and more than a little unhealthy at worst. It had definitely been wrong. The lack of boundaries, both physical and emotional, had been, quite frankly, disturbing.

As a grown man of thirty-five, Lucien could only shake his head at how utterly dependent he'd been on Aksel for his emotional and physical needs. That was a lot of pressure to put on any teenager, much less on a teenage Xeus alpha on the verge of presentation. Xeus alphas were all about instinct; of course Aksel had latched onto a hurt omega in need of protection and comfort.

Lucien could only cringe as he remembered how he'd behaved...

God, they had been so lucky that Royce had smelled his heat and interrupted them that night years ago. They had been lucky that Royce had managed to incapacitate Aksel long enough to shout for help. Later, Lucien had been told that it had taken three adult alphas to subdue Aksel, and Royce had a nasty scar on his shoulder left by Aksel's claws as a souvenir from that night.

Not that Lucien remembered that night well. All he could remember was the heat, and the gnawing, bottomless need.By the time he came to his senses days later, Aksel was already gone, shipped off by Royce to the army—leaving a gaping hole in Lucien's life.

Only with Aksel gone had Lucien realized how frighteningly empty his life was without him. Without Aksel, he was nothing . He'd had no friends, not even casual acquaintances, nothing to look forward to. It seemed he'd been mistaken to think that he'd picked himself up after his first disastrous heat. His entire self had simply been built around Aksel ever since he was fourteen, with the younger boy serving as his emotional anchor. It was soul-crushing to realize that without that anchor, his life had absolutely no meaning or purpose.

Thankfully, after watching Lucien wander around the house like a listless ghost for months, Royce had enrolled him in school. Lucien had been upset and angry at first—he had no desire to be the laughingstock of his much younger classmates—but eventually, he'd come to realize that Royce had been right and had become grateful to him for his high-handedness. It was nice to talk to people, nice to have some goals in life, however small and meaningless. Nice to think about something other than the boy his life no longer revolved around.

After getting his degree, Lucien had even started teaching online courses to poor students who couldn't afford to attend college. They weren't very popular, and they didn't pay well, but he liked that his students didn't know or care who he was. He liked the feeling of independence and accomplishment his small earnings gave him. He didn't really need the money, but the mere fact that he had an independent source of income made him feel more confident and self-assured. Less like a useless dependent. Almost like a real adult.

He only wished he knew how to be a happy adult.

Acquaintances and students still didn't fill the hole in his life left by Aksel. Lucien told himself it was a good thing, that he had simply grown up and didn't want or need that kind of intense, codependent relationship with anyone, but there was a part of him that still felt eternally cold, as if he were just drifting through his life.

They hadn't communicated since that night at all. Royce had flat-out forbidden it, forcing Lucien to change his phone number. He'd been furious with Aksel for "preying on a vulnerable omega with Lucien's history," and refused to listen to Lucien's attempts to defend him. Lucien was the older one, shouldn't the responsibility lie with him? Royce scoffed when Lucien tried to argue that.

Your biological age doesn't matter , Royce had said, his lips twisting unhappily. You don't have the life experience of someone your age. You're little more than an adolescent yourself, Lucien. Aksel should have known better, given your history.

Given your history.

Right.

Lucien hated how everyone still treated him as if he were some fragile, traumatized flower, whose opinions couldn't be valid just because of what had happened to him. He hated being defined by what had happened to him. Utterly loathed it. But the only person who had treated him normally was gone, and he might never return.

Aksel might never return.

No matter what Royce said, deep down, Lucien had known it was his fault. He shouldn't have forgotten to take his suppressants. He should have been the one to set clear boundaries between him and Aksel. He should have been the one to recognize the signs of his approaching heat. He should have been the one to recognize that Aksel was going into a rut. He should have been the one to stop him, before it had gone too far. He would have been the one at fault if Aksel had been killed in the war.

But Aksel hadn't been killed.

And he was coming back.

He was coming back.

And no matter what the rational part of him said, Lucien's foolish, needy heart suddenly beat faster.

***

When an excited maid came to tell him that Aksel had just arrived home, Lucien smiled, thanked her, and stayed in his room.

It was the hardest thing he'd done in his life, when all he wanted was to run downstairs.

But Royce had advised him against being there when Aksel arrived. Royce wanted to speak to Aksel first, to make sure Aksel didn't hold any grudges and had moved on from his fixation on Lucien.

"It's too risky," Royce had said with a grimace. "Mother will be there, and it would be better if she isn't present in case of any… you know."

Wincing, Lucien had agreed. Vagrippa resented him for his part in Aksel's abrupt departure as it was, even though she didn't know how far things had gone. All Royce had told her was that Aksel's presentation had been kick-started by Lucien's heat pheromones. Vagrippa still didn't know that Royce had barely stopped them from having sex. Lucien was sure she would have made his life a living hell had she ever found out the full truth. If she was angry with her own eldest son for his high-handed decision, she would be beyond furious were she ever to find out that Royce had shipped Aksel off to the army because he'd caught him on the verge of fucking Lucien through his heat. She would, no doubt, see it as proof of Lucien grooming Aksel or something equally as nauseating.

Sometimes even Lucien found himself questioning himself. He'd certainly had no intention of grooming or seducing Aksel, but he was older, and he should have set better boundaries between them.

Well, there was no use regretting his past mistakes.The important thing was not to make new ones.He was going to set very firm boundaries this time around. No more cuddles in bed. No more inappropriate touching.Aksel was the son of his deceased husband. Nothing more.

Though, he was probably overthinking it. Aksel had likely moved on with his life, his teenage fixation on Lucien long in the past.

Lucien's stomach clenched. He told himself what he was feeling was relief. It had to be.

It had to be, right?

***

Hours later, Lucien was grading his students' papers when there was a firm knock on the door.

Before he could respond, the door was pushed open.

Suddenly, the room seemed far too small.

Lucien could barely breathe. He could only stare at the man who'd entered the room.

Aksel.

He had expected Aksel to become bigger, of course, given his size at eighteen, but he wasn't prepared for how much larger he would be. Mature. Older. A man, no longer a boy.

In hindsight, it had been silly of him to expect Aksel to look like a boy: after hitting twenty-five, alphas were at the peak of their physical maturity and remained physically unchanged until their fifties.

Aksel was no longer the youth that had left this house nearly eight years ago. He was a man, every inch a man. From the firm, square jaw covered in a well-groomed dark beard to the hardness of his blue eyes. His shoulders seemed ridiculously wide in his scarlet military uniform with two golden bands denoting his rank of captain.

God, he was so big. His height seemed even greater from Lucien's seated position. Was this man the same little boy who'd once easily fit on Lucien's lap? It was hard to believe.

Swallowing, Lucien finally found his voice.

"Aksel," he whispered, getting to his feet.

Aksel was still, his eyes roaming all over Lucien with a strange expression. He clasped his hands behind his back. "You didn't come to greet me," he said. His voice was even lower now.

Wetting his dry lips with his tongue, Lucien tried to breathe shallowly. Even from a distance, Aksel's scent made his brain fuzzy. It made him want to crawl to him. Crawl to him and rub his face all over his throat. That scent , God... He smelled like home. Like everything good and safe in the world.

"Royce said it wouldn't be wise," Lucien heard himself say, dragging his gaze away from Aksel's tanned throat, the place where his facial hair ended.

"Royce said," Aksel repeated in an odd tone of voice. "Do you consider him your alpha?"

The answer should have been yes.He should have considered Royce his alpha. Royce was the eldest son of the family. After the death of Garrick, he was the family alpha. But Royce had been on suppressants for as long as Lucien had known him, his natural alpha scent suppressed. He might be the head of the family, but he didn't scent-mark his pack like alphas normally did. That was probably why Lucien didn't see him as his alpha.

Liar , whispered a voice at the back of his head. Belinda and Vagrippa considered Royce their family alpha, regardless of his suppressants. He should have been no different.

"Royce has always been kind to me," Lucien said. Hopefully Aksel would take his non-answer as an affirmative one.

Aksel walked forward. "He is kind," he said, coming to a halt a palm's width away from him.

Lucien inhaled shakily and then wished he hadn't. It took everything in him not to make a keening noise like a confused animal in need. He wanted to be scent-marked, wanted to roll around in Aksel's scent, wanted to stink of him, like he used to. That need clawed at his insides.

"Very," he managed. "Kind."

Aksel's firm lips thinned. He just stared at Lucien for a moment that seemed to last an eternity.

"I wanted to apologize," he finally said.

"Apologize?" Lucien repeated blankly, swaying toward Aksel and then straightening up again.It was a physical effort not to lean into Aksel, like a planet drawn toward its star.

"Yes," Aksel said stiffly, his hands still clasped behind his back. "For what almost happened eight years ago."

Lucien frowned. "It wasn't your fault—you were young and—"

"Don't," Aksel bit off, looking pained. "I knew what I was doing. Even back then, as a teenager, I knew I was taking advantage of you—of your naivete, inexperience, and biological need to please an alpha."

"But—"

"I knew exactly what I was doing, Lucien."

Lucien opened his mouth and closed it, feeling lost. He still didn't agree. He felt like Aksel was being too harsh on his younger self. But he didn't know how to change his mind.

"You didn't do anything to apologize for," Lucien said uncomfortably. "Nothing really happened."

Aksel gave a humorless smile. "Don't kid yourself. If Royce hadn't interrupted us, I would have knotted you right there, consequences be damned."

Lucien's face felt on fire.

"There's no need to be crude," he said in a stilted voice, crossing his arms over his chest. "It was simply unlucky that I forgot to take my pills that day. You couldn't help that you went into a sympathy rut in response to my heat. It's biology, nothing more."

Shaking his head with a pinched expression, Aksel said, "Stop making excuses for me. I'm trying to be a better person here." His lips twisted. "Trying being the key word. I'm not kind like my brother. Doing the right thing doesn't come naturally to me." Aksel lifted a hand and pressed his thumb against Lucien's throat—against his scent gland, his touch ever so gentle.

Lucien shuddered, his eyes rolling back in his head."Don't," he tried, painfully aware of how unconvincing he sounded. How shaky, weak, and needy. "We shouldn't."

"I know," Aksel said, staring at his neck intently. Was that resentment in his gaze? Or was it hatred? Self-loathing? Or just plain loathing?

It made Lucien's heart hurt. Hurt for him. He'd never wanted to be the reason for any hurt or conflict. Not for Aksel, the only person who'd made him feel like he still had a home.

"Darling," Lucien said softly.

Aksel's pheromones flared. "Don't call me that," he said, his voice strained. "It messes with my head."

Pursing his lips, Lucien nodded. It messed with his own head too. He was no longer sure what he even meant. This man wasn't the boy he'd once adored. But it was probably normal that it would take them time to get used to each other. To get to know each other as adults.

"I hope we can still be friends," Lucien said. "Like we used to be."

"Were we, though?" Aksel's tone was almost cynical. Self-deprecating?

Lucien's brows furrowed. "What do you mean? Of course we were."

Aksel's jaw worked. "Our entire relationship consisted of me stomping all over your boundaries, ignoring your wishes to be left alone and forcing my presence on you. It was me who bullied you into accepting my hugs, my touch, and my scent. All you did was put up with it, Lucien." His tone was hard, but something about the way he held himself, unnaturally stiff, betrayed an old hurt. An old doubt.

Oh.

Looking back, Lucien could see how it looked from Aksel's point of view: Lucien had never been the one to initiate things. He'd never hugged Aksel himself. Not even once. He'd always just accepted his pushy affection, sighing long-sufferingly but receptive enough, and never, ever initiating anything.

Had Aksel ever felt insecure because of it? Like his affection wasn't returned? He'd always seemed so confident, so assertive, that the mere idea of him being insecure seemed ridiculous, but...

He'd been just a boy.A boy who'd always questioned his place in society as it was. A boy who'd been regarded with wariness and distrust just because of a quirk in his genetics. Even his own mother had never seemed quite as comfortable with Aksel as she was with her other children. She used to pretend he wasn't a Xeus, trying to shave off the baby fur on his cheeks until it finally stopped growing out when he was six. What did that do to a child's psyche? That he couldn't be loved as himself? Was that why Aksel had latched onto Lucien so hard back then? Lucien might have shied away from his touch, but he shied away from everyone's touch, so Aksel likely hadn't taken it as personally. But the old doubts—the old hurt—must have been still there.

Biting the inside of his cheek, Lucien hesitated.

Oh, screw it.

He stepped forward and wrapped his arms around Aksel. "Don't be silly," he said. "I wasn't bullied into anything. I'm hugging you, see?"

Aksel was absolutely rigid against him for a long moment—and then his arms squeezed him in a bone-crushing hug, his pheromones flaring up. Lucien nearly whimpered, his mind becoming foggy. God, that scent , the way Aksel's arms felt around him... it felt so fucking right. He had missed this.

He had missed him.

So. Damn. Much.

"I'm sorry," Aksel said hoarsely, his face buried in Lucien's neck. He was pumping out pheromones so aggressively Lucien had little doubt he was going to reek of him for days. Something about the thought caused a warm feeling to curl in his stomach. Truth be told, he'd always loved smelling of Aksel. He'd barely recognized his own scent after Aksel's departure. It had seemed... lacking. Wrong. Incomplete.

God, his own thoughts made him cringe. He'd thought he was well past this neediness. He was a fully-fledged adult with a job now.

"For what, darling?" Lucien said softly, threading his fingers through Aksel's dark hair.

"I intended to stay away from you," Aksel said, nuzzling his scent gland. "I really did. But I can't. You're what I came back to."

"Don't be silly. You came back to your home."

"Yes," Aksel said, his arms tightening around Lucien. "I came back to my home."

Lucien's stomach clenched.

"War slowly destroys you," Aksel said, his voice muffled by Lucien's neck. "It's not even the killing that gets to you. It's the way you stop feeling anything after a while. Grow numb, dead on the inside. It—it becomes hard thinking of anything good. You stop remembering what you're killing for, what you're fighting for. The only thing that helped me—" He cut himself off, shoving his face tighter against Lucien's neck. "I wanted to come home. To my home. And it helped me focus. I fought for that. I killed for that."

Lucien swallowed. Did it make him a terrible person that he didn't care how many people Aksel had had to kill in order to come back?

"It's okay," he whispered, threading his fingers through Aksel's hair before pressing a fervent kiss into it. "I'm so glad you did—that you're back home, safe and whole. I'm so glad. I—I missed you. So much." He regretted the words as soon as they left his lips. They felt too revealing. Too raw. Too much. There was something vaguely obscene—something wrong—about his confession, or at least it felt like it.

Aksel lifted his head and looked at him, his expression alarmingly intense. "Did you?"

His face rather warm, Lucien gave a clipped nod. "Of course I did," he said with a laugh. "I all but raised you, didn't I?"

Aksel went very still, his face wiped of anyemotion.

"You didn't," he said at last. "You're just nine years older than me."

"Almost ten," Lucien said, lifting his chin. He wasn't sure why he was arguing semantics, but for some reason, it felt incredibly important to remind Aksel about their age difference.

"That doesn't matter," Aksel said, his jaw setting into a hard line. "I never saw you as a parental figure. My parents raised me. Not you."

"Did you forget what I did for you?" Lucien said with an uncomfortable laugh.

Aksel's gaze flicked down to his chest. "No, I didn't. I do remember."

Lucien's skin was so hot he felt like he was running a fever. His breasts suddenly felt heavy. "Then you should see my point."

"What is your point?" Aksel said, his eyes hard and sharp. "That you see me as a son? I'm not your son. And you don't see me as one."

His heart beating fast, Lucien stepped back. "I'm glad you can speak so confidently for me," he said with a short laugh, crossing his arms over his chest.

"One of us has to," Aksel said, watching him carefully.

His gaze made Lucien want to fidget; it was so penetrating.

God, he could barely see the boy Aksel had once been. The man that stood in front of him had been aged far beyond his years. No twenty-five-year-old should have eyes like that. World-weary. Hardened with cynicism and something else.

"I don't understand what you mean," Lucien said.

"Of course you don't."

Lucien looked at him in confusion. "What is that supposed to mean?"

Stepping away from him, Aksel walked to the window and stared out at the rocky beach behind the house, his hands in his pockets, his wide shoulders tense.

Seconds dragged by before Aksel spoke again. "Royce lectured me for an hour before I came here. He all but ordered me to stay away from you. He warned me not to be pushy with you." He chuckled, the sound devoid of any humor. "My own brother doesn't trust me to behave. I'm a Xeus, after all. A beast ruled by his base instincts."

Lucien frowned, feeling upset and angry on Aksel's behalf. "That's ridiculous—"

"He's right," Aksel said flatly.

Lucien blinked.

What?

Aksel turned around and just looked at him for a while, his lips curled into something that looked more like a grimace than a smile. "He's right. I'm not to be trusted. Not with you."

Lucien opened his mouth and closed it without saying anything. As much as he didn't want to, he understood what Aksel was implying. But... but it seemed ludicrous. Too outlandish to contemplate.

Aksel couldn't possibly want him . That way. He could have anyone. Any young, untainted omega without a horrid scandal in their past.

"Is this your idea of a joke?" Lucien said with an uncomfortable laugh. "Because it's not very funny, darling."

Aksel's expression remained grim. "I'm not joking."

"You can't possibly mean that you—that you want—"

"You can't even say it," Aksel said, his blue eyes flashing with something hard and bitter. "I knew I shouldn't have said anything. You can't even grasp the thought that I might want you that way."

Lucien swallowed, staring at him helplessly. This wasn't a conversation he'd ever expected to have, much less with Aksel.

"You don't mean that," Lucien said, his face uncomfortably hot. Even his neck felt hot. It was probably an ugly sight. He didn't blush prettily, like some omegas did.

Aksel gave a short laugh. "Trust me, I wish I didn't mean that. But it isn't going away, no matter how many omegas I've slept with to get you out from under my skin."

Lucien's tongue felt too big for his mouth. Until now, he'd never understood the expression "tongue-tied." He wasn't sure what he felt, how to categorize the mix of emotions in his chest, what name to give them. He wished they were as simple as horror or revulsion, but they weren't.

They weren't .

God, what kind of sick person was he that his immediate reaction wasn't revulsion? This was his husband's son. Lucien had watched him grow up. The mere idea of Aksel wanting him should have been repulsive on that basis alone. The fact that he felt a twinge of something ugly at the mention of other omegas Aksel had slept with was more than a little disturbing. But he remembered what it was like to sleep in Aksel's arms. Imagining another omega doing that made Lucien's stomach clench with an acidic feeling.

It didn't mean anything. It didn't.

"I think you're just confused," Lucien said.

"I'm not the confused one here, Luce. I know what I want."

What do you want?

The question was on the tip of Lucien's tongue, but he didn't ask it. Didn't dare to.

Aksel walked back to him and stopped right in his personal space. "Lucien..." he said, his voice dropping. His eyes were so intense Lucien could barely look into them. He'd almost forgotten how intoxicating Aksel's attention felt: when Aksel looked at him, he always felt like he was the only person in the world who mattered.

Lucien wet his lips with his tongue, his heart hammering in his chest.

Aksel's hands twitched toward Lucien, as if he'd intended to touch him but thought better of it.

No, touch me , Lucien nearly blurted out. He blushed, embarrassed and terrified of his own thoughts and wants. It had been years; God, why was he still like this? Was he that touch-starved? That pathetic?

Aksel looked at him searchingly before grimacing. "Forget what I said." His voice was clipped. "I should have known better. I won't push you." He said it again, more firmly, "I won't."

"I know you won't," Lucien said. "I know you, darling. I trust you."

Aksel's expression became pained."You can't be real," he said with a harsh chuckle that was at odds with the tender look in his eyes. "Stop being so perfect, damn you."

Lucien blinked before laughing a little. "I'm hardly perfect."

Aksel shook his head. "I'll stay away from you," he said,his voice grim even as his hand twitched toward Lucien again.

Lucien looked at that hand, his own fingers itching to touch it, to hold Aksel's hand the way they used to in their childhood.

But they weren't children anymore. In light of Aksel's confession, any intimacy was very inadvisable.

So what? a voice said at the back of his mind. Hadn't he lost enough?Why did he have to lose everything he held dear? Why couldn't he have his best friend back?He trusted Aksel. He did. Aksel might be... physically attracted to him, but he would never force his attentions on him. He would never hurt him.Lucien knew that.

Taking a deep breath, Lucien reached out and took Aksel's hand in his. Aksel's fingers were bigger, more callused now, but they still fit perfectly against his.

"What are you doing?" Aksel said hoarsely. His shoulders were tense, his gaze heavy-lidded and dark.

"I don't want you to stay away," Lucien said. "We can be friends. Like we used to."

Aksel's throat moved. He let out a short laugh. "Friends," he repeated. "We've never been friends, Luce."

Lucien stared at him, feeling a rush of unbearable affection and tenderness. "Don't be ridiculous, of course we were—"

He gasped when Aksel shoved his face against his neck. "Aksel—" he said shakily.

"Friends don't do this, Lucien," Aksel said, his voice muffled by Lucien's neck. "Fuck, your scent…"

Oh, it felt...

A whine built up in Lucien's throat, his body melting into Aksel's. He knew he shouldn't be allowing this, shouldn't be allowing such blatant scenting, especially considering what Aksel had confessed, but he just couldn't push him away. His body didn't listen to the commands of his brain, as if it were a separate entity that didn't belong to him.

Surely some scenting wasn't wrong? It was an innocent, healthy bonding activity everyone in the pack indulged in. Granted, grown omegas usually didn't let their alpha relatives scent them on their necks, but this still could be innocent. Completely innocent.Lucien wasn't in heat, nor Aksel was in rut.It was going to be fine.Nothing inappropriate was going to happen. Aksel said he wouldn't push him, and Lucien trusted him.

They could be friends. They could be friendly like this.

Nothing was going to happen.

Nothing.