Chapter Three

The ironic thing about being soiled goods was, Lucien didn't even remember much of the act that had ruined his life.

He remembered being unusually hot that day and going for a walk. After that, everything was a hazy blur. He remembered the crippling need, and he remembered the relief. Everything else was... murky. It was possible his mind simply refused to remember as a self-defense mechanism, but it wasn't unusual for Dainiri omegas not to remember their heats well. Either way, his next clear memory was of waking up in the forest clearing at the edge of his father's lands, filthy from head to toe, smelling oddly and covered in a staggering amount of bodily fluids.

The embarrassing truth was, at first Lucien hadn't even realized what had happened to him—what had been done to him. He'd had to be told by his disgusted, furious father that he'd gone into his first heat and had been raped by what looked like a platoon of Pelugian soldiers. He'd been told he was pregnant—his scent already betrayed it. He'd been told to leave his home and never come back. His feeble, confused attempts to change his father's mind had been ignored.

It's your own fault, you little idiot! his father had snapped when Lucien had protested that it wasn't his fault. He looked incensed, his scent bitter with fury and disgust. Have I not told you not to leave the house unaccompanied around the full moons? You brought this on yourself—on our entire family. We'll never recover from this scandal! Get out. I never want to lay my eyes on you again.

It was the day Lucien realized how little value an omega had once he was ruined. His father, the man he'd used to worship and adore, his only living parent, saw no value in him now. He didn't love Lucien anymore. Perhaps had never loved him.

It hurt. It hurt so much.

But it wasn't even the worst part. Lucien quickly learned how cruel the world was to disgraced omegas. All of his friends suddenly weren't at home when he called them. His private school ended his enrollment. His credit cards no longer worked. He had no pack, very little money, and no friends.He was completely alone in the world.

It almost didn't surprise him when he had a miscarriage within the next few weeks.Too little to eat, too little sleep, and too much stress made it almost a forgone conclusion.

Lucien had thought he would be relieved.But all he felt was sickeningly, achingly alone, and more confused than ever. It seemed ironic—and grossly unfair—that he'd been disowned for getting gang-raped and knocked up when he barely remembered the incident nor had the consequences of it in his belly any longer.

All things considered, Lucien knew he was very lucky that Mr. Cleghorn took pity on him. The man was his father's old friend who'd always been kind to him. He seemed to disagree with how his father had handled things and offered him the protection of his name. Unfortunately, he couldn't just adopt Lucien: after his first heat, Lucien was considered an adult and adults couldn't be legally adopted on Eila. So marriage was the only solution, Mr. Cleghorn explained kindly. It all seemed quite logical.

But there was a part of Lucien that didn't trust it. Didn't trust the man. He was wary of the alpha's motives. He didn't trust that his motives were as selfless and altruistic as he had claimed. His recent experiences had taught him that alphas were selfish, fickle, and cruel. They didn't care about anything but their own pleasure, reputation, and comfort.

But he had no choice but to agree to Mr. Cleghorn's proposal. The alternative was starving to death. And as miserable, defeated, and betrayed Lucien felt, he wanted to live.

So marrying Mr. Cleghorn it was.

The ceremony was a small, quick affair. It seemed strange to Lucien that he could even get married at all. He'd been considered a child just a few weeks ago. But per Kadarian law, he was considered of age now. He could marry a married man thirty years his senior because that man was an alpha. Alphas could do so many things omegas couldn't, including having several spouses. It sickened him, the unfairness of their society, but he knew better than to complain. Complaining didn't do anything. It was what it was.

All he could do was try to make the best of his situation.

But it was still difficult to hold his head high when he saw the disgust, the scorn in people's eyes. Sometimes there was pity there, too, and it was almost worse. Mr. Cleghorn's first spouse, Vagrippa, barely seemed able to look at Lucien, her expression pinched as she looked at some point to Lucien's left whenever she addressed him. She clearly wasn't happy about her husband's decision to take a second spouse.

It was understandable, really. Vagrippa had recently given birth to a baby girl, and what new mother would like the attention in her family shifted from her and her baby to the ruined omega brought into her home by her husband?Lucien could feel her disdain and dislike with his skin, and he tried to make himself scarce whenever possible. He didn't feel at home in the Cleghorns' mansion. He felt like an outsider—he was an outsider.

Not that he was complaining. He knew it could have been worse. Much worse.

Mr. Cleghorn was kind. He was kind enough to take Lucien to a doctor and buy him the suppressants the doctor recommended. Mr. Cleghorn didn't seem to have any carnal designs on Lucien.

It was a relief, but at the same time, it made Lucien feel even more soiled and unwanted. Of course Mr. Cleghorn didn't want him. What self-respecting alpha would want an omega who'd been used and rutted into by a dozen of alphas? Alphas liked pure, untouched omegas. Modern alphas might claim to support omega rights and designation equality, but everyone knew that deep down, all alphas were very possessive and territorial. They couldn't stand the thought of their omega having been taken by another alpha in the past, much less by a platoon of them.

It was fine. It was fine, really.He shuddered in disgust when he imagined Mr. Cleghorn—or any other alpha—coming closer to him than a step.

And that was something of a problem.Despite not remembering clearly what had transpired during his first heat, Lucien seemed to have developed a strong aversion to alphas. He didn't like being alone with them. He didn't like talking to them. Even the fifteen-year-old Royce made him uncomfortable and tense, unable to relax in his company, despite Royce being on suppressants. Alphasrepelledhim.

Well, not all alphas.

Mr. Cleghorn's younger boy was all right.

At first Lucien had felt a little annoyed and exasperated: what teenager would like having a little kid tagging along wherever he went? But Aksel was so refreshingly honest and protective for such a small boy that Lucien found himself reluctantly charmed. The boy was beyond adorable when he insisted that he was an alpha.

Lucien knew he was. Aksel might have still been a child, but his innocent scent already had that musky undertone all alphas seemed to have. But unlike the scents of grown alphas, Aksel's didn't make him tense up. His innocent touches didn't make Lucien want to run away. Aksel was just a sweet kid, his unfortunate designation notwithstanding. Aksel wassafe.

His childish scent-marking amused Lucien, instead of repelling him. Aksel's touch made him feel less alone in the world. The truth was, their species was very tactile. Omegas in particular had strong tactile needs; they biologically needed a pack alpha to feel content. Lucien's father had used to scent-mark him and it'd made Lucien feel so grounded and safe. Now the mere thought of allowing an alpha—any alpha—such intimacy left him cold. Alphas weren't to be trusted, his hindbrain insisted. But his body still needed it, needed the comfort, no matter how much the idea of allowing an alpha close repelled him.

But Aksel was the sole exception. He was a child and Lucien's body didn't see him as a threat. To Lucien's relief, Aksel's touch also soothed his need for an alpha's comfort. It was the only thing that made him feel less broken. Less lonely. Less unwanted.

God, how pathetic was he? To take comfort in a boy a decade his junior?Lucien had never hated being an omega more. He hated himself for still needing an alpha so badly that he allowedthe younger boy to crawl into his bed and snuggle up to him at night. He was allowing Akselto treat him like a plushie.It shouldn't have felt so comforting, regardless of Aksel's age. He was still an alpha. Nothing about alphas was comforting.

And yet... And yetLucien didn't send Aksel away. Couldn't.

When Aksel wasn't around, Lucien felt like the loneliness would swallow him whole.

***

There were days Lucien almost felt happy. Those were the days he spent playing hide-and-seek with Aksel on the extensive grounds of the Cleghorn country estate, laughing as he tried and failed to fool the Xeus's superior senses using various tricks. He felt almost happy when it was just him and Aksel and the sun on his skin.

But there were other days too. Days he struggled to summon enough energy to get out of bed in the morning. Days he stared at his body in the mirror and wanted to throw up.

He hated his body.

Although he'd known that all Dainiri omegas changed physically after their first pregnancy, he'd had no idea that the changes wouldn't go away even if the omega miscarried. He felt strange in this new body. His chestwas not large, but it was more than a handful. It—the protrusions— jiggled when he walked and ran. It was bizarre. And more than a little disgusting.

Had the changes to his body happened in less traumatic circumstances, Lucien's attitude toward them likely would have been different. But in his mind, his physical changes were tightly linked with everything bad that had happened to him—the heat, the rape, his abandonment by his family—so Lucienhatedthem. He knew it was irrational, but he hated them. He hated his body. He wanted to go back to the simpler, better times when he had looked different and hadn't been soiled and changed into something else without his consent.

To make things worse, the changes to his body weren't all visible. After the pregnancy, his hormones couldn't seem to return to their old normal. Dainiri omegas were known for their fertility and produced milk from the first weeks of pregnancy, and even after the miscarriage, Lucien's chest was uncomfortably full with milk. His suppressants didn't seem to do anything to stop lactation, and it didn't help that Vagrippa had insisted on "putting the omega to use" and asked/ordered him to nurse Belinda. Vagrippa had said she didn't want to breastfeed the baby—as if Lucien wanted to do it! The mere thought of putting his protrusions to use utterly sickened him. But he'd squashed down his discomfort and had done as he was told. He had wanted to fit in. He wanted to be part of the Cleghorn pack. It was normal for omegas of the pack to nurse the babies. He could do it. He could .

So he forced himself.

The irony was, it ended up being for nothing: Belinda weaned sooner than normal, and Lucien had been left with an aching chest full of unwanted milk—and no baby to feed. He envied betas who could stop lactating easily; Dainiri omegas could lactate for many months after their babies stopped feeding, as he had unfortunately found out.

"Fuck!" Lucien cursed as he tried to express milk into the sink with his tired, aching hands. God, he hated this, he hated himself, he hated this body so much, why had this happened to him?

He was crying in frustration and pain on the floor of his bathroom when Aksel found him.

"What's wrong?" he demanded before his blue eyes zeroed in on Lucien's swollen chest.

Mortified, Lucien tried to cover the protrusions, but his hands were too small to hide them completely. "Don't look at me!" he mumbled, sitting up and turning away.

Footsteps sounded behind him.

"Luce," Aksel said hesitantly, laying a hand on his head. "I want to help. Look at me. What's wrong?"

Lucien wiped his tears and took in a shuddering breath, trying to calm down. He was sixteen. He was supposed to be an adult now. He shouldn't scare Aksel with his hysterics.

"Don't look at me," Lucien whispered, barely audibly. "I'm disgusting, and ugly, and dirty—" I hate myself. "Please go, darling. You shouldn't see me like this."

He felt more than heard Aksel sit down behind him. Then two arms wrapped around him from behind, surprisingly strong for their size. Lucien muttered, "Don't," but he allowed Aksel to pull his head to Aksel's throat, to his scent gland. Closing his eyes, Lucien breathed in raggedly, taking comfort in Aksel's familiar scent.

"You're not disgusting," Aksel said fiercely, stroking his back. "And you're not ugly or dirty. Nothing about you is, Luce."

Lucien shook his head.

"Luce, look at me."

It was so unfair that such a young, unpresented alpha could make him want to obey him. Being an omega sucked. Or maybe it was just him. Maybe he was just that weak and pathetic, unrelated to his designation.

Sighing, Lucien opened his eyes and allowed Aksel to tip his face up so that their gazes met.

Aksel's blue eyes were unusually serious and grim—no seven-year-old boy should have eyes like that. Lucien felt a pang of guilt. Was he the reason Aksel was growing up so fast? Had he exposed Aksel to the ugliness of the world before it was necessary?

"Stop that," Aksel said, frowning. "I can smell your emotions, Luce. It's not your fault. Why do you always think everything is your fault?"

Lucien opened his mouth and closed it without saying anything. How could he explain to Aksel something he barely understood himself?

"You're not ugly or dirty," Aksel repeated, scowling. "It's the stupidest thing ever. If you say that crap again, I'll—I'll—" He frowned, clearly struggling to come up with an appropriate threat.

Lucien smiled involuntarily, nearly choking on the wave of affection that suddenly washed over him. God, he loved this boy. More than anything in the world.

"Now tell me what's wrong," Aksel said, his gaze shifting to Lucien's protrusions. "Your chest?"

Lucien covered the swollen protrusions with his hands, averting his gaze. "I think there was a milk clot or something," he said, his face hot with mortification. "I finally got it out, but I know it'll start hurting again soon." His eyes burned with tears of exhaustion. "I'm so tired, Aksel. So tired of this. Tired of feeling sore, of this body, of hating my body—of—of… Sometimes I think: what's the point?"

Why do I keep living? For what?

He bit his tongue to stop himself from saying that. He shouldn't burden Aksel with any of this. He deserved better.

"Luce."

Something about Aksel's tone made him look at him.

"Why do you hate your body?" the younger boy said. "You keep saying that, but it's stupid. It makes no sense to me."

Lucien chuckled harshly, gesturing to his chest. "Is that not enough? The protrusions are disgusting."

A wrinkle formed between Aksel's dark brows. "Don't be dumb," he said, eyeing Lucien's protrusions curiously. "You're not disgusting anywhere."

Lucien shook his head.

"I like how they look," Aksel said after a moment. "They look soft. Like you. Squishy and cuddlable."

"Cuddlable?" Lucien said with a laugh. "Squishy?"

Aksel laughed too. "I don't know, okay? But they definitely don't look disgusting! That's dumb! You're dumb if you think anything about you is disgusting." Something like embarrassment flashed through Aksel's face. "Like, when people say the word beautiful, you're the first thing I think about."

Lucien's throat suddenly felt uncomfortably tight.

Beautiful? Him?

"Don't be ridiculous," Lucien whispered with a weak laugh. "I'm not—"

"You are," Aksel said with such firmness that for a moment Lucien could see the man he would become one day.

It sometimes still surprised him how mature Aksel was, but he'd come to understand that it was partly because of him being a Xeus. Heightened instincts and strength weren't the only benefits of being a Xeus. Children with the Xeus gene matured differently from regular children. Aksel was very smart, his superior instincts guiding him where he lacked experience.He always seemed to know exactly what to say to make Lucien feel better.

Aksel was going to make someone a wonderful mate one day.

"Thank you, darling," Lucien said, clearing his throat a little. "It means a lot to me that you think so. I—thank you. I feel better now."

"Really?" When Lucien nodded, Akselgrinned at him and pulled him to his feet. "Then brush your teeth and let's go to bed. I'm tired."

"So bossy." Lucien rolled his eyes with a laugh, picking up his shirt and putting it on. His chest still felt a little sore, but he did feel much better on the inside. Lighter. "You have your own bed—your own room. Go sleep there."

Aksel wrinkled his nose. "It's cold," he grumbled. "And it doesn't smell anywhere near as nice as yours."

"Of course it doesn't," Lucien said with a long-suffering sigh, reaching for his toothbrush.

When he emerged from the bathroom, Aksel was already waiting for him in his bed.

Turning the lights off, Lucien got into the bed and looked at the other boy. "I'm sorry," he said awkwardly. "You shouldn't have seen me like that. Let's pretend this never happened, all right? It's terribly embarrassing."

Aksel scoffed. "You're so stupid. There was nothing embarrassing about it. I like taking care of you."

Lucien gave him a sleepy smile and turned away. The boy was adorable, really.

"You shouldn't be the one taking care of me," Lucien said, his voice quiet. "I'm older. It's not right."

"I want to," Aksel said stubbornly, moving closer and spooning him. "It feels right." He wrapped his arm around Lucien's waist protectively. "This feels right."

Sighing fondly, Lucien gave up. It was rather embarrassing that he couldn't win an argument against the younger boy, but he didn't mind. He didn't feel like making a fuss over this. And he couldn't deny that he liked being cared for. It was so comforting. And he had a sneaking suspicion that Aksel needed this as much as Lucien did. Aksel liked feeling needed. Feeling wanted. Vagrippa was a loving mother, but she wasn't a very affectionate one. And as a beta, she didn't have the right pheromones to soothe her alpha son. All Eilan children needed physical affection; it was normal. Lucien obviously wasn't Aksel's mother, and Lucien knew the boy didn't see him as a parental figure, but he was an omega in Aksel's pack. He probably exuded comforting, soothing pheromones. It was natural that Aksel wanted to hold him and take care of him. The protective instinct was predominant in all alphas. They needed to feel useful and needed.

Allowing Aksel this small comfort was the least Lucien could do after the boy had helped him so much—not just tonight, but every day. Aksel was the only person in the world who made Lucien feel good about himself. The only light in his life. He could only imagine what a depressed wreck he would have been if it weren't for Aksel.

"Good night, Luce," Aksel said, burying his face in Lucien's neck and nuzzling his scent gland.

He'll grow out of it soon , Lucien thought sleepily before finally drifting off, feeling safe, warm, and cared for.

Years later, he would look back at that day and realize that it had been a mistake. He shouldn't have been so indulgent with Aksel. So soft.

Aksel Cleghorn was a force of nature. Give him an inch, and he would take a mile.