33. I Want You

Ali

A li stared at her email, refreshing every thirty seconds. Julia had said the announcement would be forthcoming. But as she sat at her house, continuing to refresh, she wasn’t even sure she wanted to get the result. Ali had waited for what felt like an eternity to have that moment outside of the hospital. As she spoke the words to Jo, she wanted to reiterate how strongly she felt. Jo was enough and sitting there, waiting for her life to change, she wasn’t even sure she had the right path to moving forward.

Ali abandoned her computer, her thoughts escaping the sheer bout of excitement she’d express if she got the job. Sure, she would be happy, thrilled, overjoyed, that for once her hard work and dedication was getting rewarded. It’s what she had been longing for? Why wouldn’t she jump at the chance?

Jo.

The truth was staring her right in the face. Without Jo, did any of it really matter? And with the job, would she ever be able to be truly happy? She would have to give up the fantasy world of having everything she desired. Was she even conscious of what all that meant.

Her phone rang, and she checked it. “Hey, Nolan.”

“So, have you gotten the results yet?” he asked. “I don’t even know why I’m questioning it. They would be crazy not to promote you. You embody everything that CAPMed is. You have my full support.”

Ali snickered. “Thanks, I suppose.” She left her floor of pacing and plopped down onto the couch. “What if…” She hesitated and threw herself back onto the couch. She was crazy for even contemplating it. Right?

“What if…”

“I don’t know. I’m just near a mental collapse and I guess I have so many dangerous thoughts coursing through my mind.” She heard voices and Ali perked up. “Is Brody with you? Am I seriously having this discussion while the two of you would have much better things to focus on than me and my breakdown?”

“Oh please,” Nolan started. “We’re all for some juicy tidbits. But are you second-guessing the promotion? You do want it, right?”

Ali sighed, shaking her head. “Yes. No. Hell, I don’t know.” She stood up and began pacing again. “If I get this job, then I lose other things that are important to me.”

“Things? Or Johanna?” he asked.

“Do you even have to ask?” Ali mumbled. He laughed, and she rolled her eyes and sat on the armrest of the couch. “I have never felt this way about anyone before. And the thought of not being able to see where things could go between us is heart-wrenching.”

“That’s because you’re in love,” Brody hollered from the background. Nolan laughed and Ali focused on that word. Love She’d been fighting with that, inwardly, for a while now. Too scared to even really show Jo how much.

Love is always worth fighting for,” Nolan added.

“And I know that,” Ali whispered. “I just worry that if I open myself up to love Jo, then what if I get hurt? I would have lost the promotion and the woman. I would have lost my way.”

“It’s scary,” Nolan replied. “But, Ali, what’s even scarier is what would happen if you didn’t take the chance.”

Ali slowly nodded. A sound of a text popped up on her phone and she glanced at her phone to find Julia’s name. Read your emails! Ali got up and walked over to her computer.

“What’s going on?” Nolan asked. “You got quiet all of a sudden.”

“Give me a sec.” Ali refreshed the screen, and the email that jumped to the top was from the board. She opened it up and read the first line. Congratulations, Alison! On behalf of the board, we would like to officially offer you the nurse educator position. Read below for all your salary information. “I got the job.” As the words sunk in, there was a heavy weight that coincided with them. Nothing felt as if she would have anticipated getting the news. She was once so excited, and now felt more of a burden that was pulling her down.

“Should we congratulate you?” Nolan asked.

Ali reached up and touched a couple tears that had fallen to her cheek. It surprised her because it came with a mixed bag of emotions.

“I don’t know,” she replied. “I don’t feel as if I just got the chance of a lifetime.”

“Then maybe, my dear, that’s your answer.” Nolan’s words hung heavy in the air. “And if it is, that’s alright.”

Ali heaved a sigh. “Can I call you back? ”

“You betcha. Love you, Ali.”

“Love you!” Ali disconnected the call and went back to reading the email. It was filled with a lot of talk about compensation and filling out paperwork and she quickly turned from it. There was only one thing she wanted to do, and it wasn’t sit there reading up on all the legal nonsense that came with her promotion. She had to take matters into her own hand before it was too late.

Ali’s phone rang and she grabbed it as she saw the name. “Hello?”

“Well…you didn’t respond to my text. I would hope by now you saw the email. Congratulations, Ali. Well deserved. I am so glad that you got this promotion because you will make a difference, I just know that you will.”

“Yeah, I saw the email…” Ali hesitated. “Are you available to chat?”

Julia laughed. “That is why I called you. I’m sure you are so excited. What’s the plan for later today? Going out and celebrating, I presume.”

“Actually, I’m outside your door now.”

“Well, you silly woman. Get on in here.”

Ali disconnected the call and opened Julia’s door. Julia jumped up and rushed over to her, ready to throw her arms around her, offer her another round of congratulations, and if they had some wine, she probably would have offered up a toast. However, as Ali approached her, her face fell.

“Uh oh. What’s wrong?”

Ali closed the door behind her and fell back against it. “This is the dream job. Everything I have ever wanted. ”

“And yet, you look like you are about to be sick.”

Ali sighed. “Have you ever wanted something so bad that it wasn’t until you had it, that you realized you were going after the wrong dream?” Julia frowned and slowly shook her head. “It feels like we set out on this journey a lifetime ago. At the start, I was so excited to see what kind of new adventure I would be going on. And you have been great in pushing me to want this and supporting me beyond all things imaginable. And when I set out for today, knowing that the email would most likely come through, I was hopeful. I refreshed it, thinking that it would somehow bring the news faster. But then something shifted in my brain.”

“You weren’t happy when you got the job?” Julia inquired.

“It’s not that I wasn’t happy. I was glad to see that I was deserving of the job. But it’s hard when in the back of your mind, you’re wanting something more.” Ali shrugged. “You have your happiness. You’re married. You have a kid. You have two dogs. In my eyes, you have it all. And you have the career that you can thrive in. But…”

“You’re missing that extra piece,” Julia softly commented.

Ali nodded. “I know that by turning this job down it won’t give me everything I’m missing. I’ll have to do things to fight for that. I also know that if I go after the one person that I feel I’m supposed to be with, I will have hurdles. It won’t be an easy transition. There are still rules and most likely I will lose my job.”

“Not if I have anything to say about it,” Julia commented, a sly smile on her lips. Ali grinned, and Julia threw up her hands. “You can’t choose who you love, right?”

Ali snickered. “No, unfortunately you can’t. Or fortunately.” She gave a breathless laugh. “But sometimes what’s hard is truly what matters the most. I can’t thank you enough, Julia, for pushing me to want this. And for helping me to see that I could obtain it. It wasn’t an easy decision, by any means.”

Julia shook her head. “I can tell how tormented you are about this decision. But I can’t fault you.” Julia smirked. “Even if I want to.”

Ali moved in and gave Julia a hug. “I will go down kicking and screaming, but I will also accept whatever fate the board hands me.” Ali turned and headed towards the door. She hesitated with her hand propped on the handle. “Will you give me a day before I regretfully turn down the position?”

Julia nodded. “Where are you going now?”

Ali shrugged. “To see if I’m too late for my true happiness.” She left the office and quickly walked to the elevator; a refreshing sigh escaped her. Now she just had to get to Jo and see where Jo’s heart was. However, when she got to her apartment, she was greeted with emptiness. There was a moment where she considered waiting outside and hoping that Jo arrived before she completely lost her nerve, but after fifteen minutes and being watched by multiple neighbors, she decided to head back home.

When she turned down her street, she spotted Jo standing on her porch. As Ali pulled into the driveway, she couldn’t rush to her fast enough. But she had to hold back. Just because Jo was there, didn’t mean that she was hoping for the same happy reunion that Ali had in mind.

“Jo? What are you doing here?”

Jo gave a weak smile. “I’ve been here for about an hour. I’ve gone over whether I should leave and just do this over the phone, but every time I considered leaving, I thought of a million reasons why I couldn’t.” Jo held her hands together and Ali stared at her, just desperate to hear what Jo had to say. “You have it all wrong?”

“I do?” Ali asked, then frowned. “What do I have wrong? ”

Jo let out a breath. “Let’s start this over. First of all, I heard the news. You got the job. I’m not the least bit surprised. I knew you would. You deserve it, and I could never ask you to turn it down for me.” She looked down at her clenched hands. “I don’t even know if I’d want you to turn it down for me.” She shrugged. “So, above all…I’m happy for you. And what I want to say is you have it all wrong. You said I’m doing fine and all, and maybe I try to put on a front for you. Maybe I don’t want you to see that I’m still as weak as I was when I left my last employer. But I’m not doing fine. I haven’t been. So, while I might be looking great on the outside, I’m crumbling on the inside.”

“You are?” Ali breathlessly asked. Jo nodded, then looked back down at her hands. “And I promised myself I wouldn’t crumble in front of you because I don’t want you to feel like I’m laying a guilt trip on you.” She looked up and her eyes were watery. “Eventually, I will get there.”

“You don’t have to eventually get there,” Ali quietly whispered. “The truth is, I turned the job down. There’s really only one thing that I want, and it doesn’t come with a higher salary. I want you, Jo. And if that meant losing this job, then who the hell cares? I only want you.” She moved in and caressed the back of her hand to Jo’s cheek. She leaned in and they kissed. Fate brought them to that moment and Ali wouldn’t ever let that go.