32. You’re Not a Waste

Johanna

J o glanced over to Ali. Her heart was shredded. All she wanted to do was go to her and see how everything was going with her. Fact was, she missed her and there wasn’t any amount of ice cream and fudge that could take the pain away. And she knew that to be true. She tried. Ali glanced over her shoulder, and there was a brief moment where they stared at one another until Jo quickly diverted her gaze.

“May,” she called, glad when her friend approached. May released a yawn, then arched an eyebrow. “What time do you get off?”

“Ten minutes.” She held up her hand. “And believe me, I’m going home and crashing.” She snickered. “It’s been a double shift and a hell of a day.

Jo kept her smile going and leaned into her, laughing loudly. Loud enough that Ali could hear her. “Just play along,” she whispered. “Wanna get together tonight?” Jo asked. “I have a new outfit I’m just dying to try out. A little bit of dancing.”

“Sure, sounds great!” May commented. Nearly as loud as Jo had asked the question. Jo looked past May as Ali turned and stepped on the elevator. She thought she saw a frown on her lips, and while Jo wanted to be thrilled about that, she felt this hole in the pit of her stomach. The doors closed, and May tilted her head. “What was that about? It’s been two weeks, and I’ve been practically begging you to go out. You always have an excuse.”

“And I’ll continue to have an excuse,” Jo muttered. She shrugged, slightly. “I just don’t want Ali to know I’m suffering. Can you blame me?”

May crossed her arms in front of her. “I don’t know. Maybe if she saw you were suffering, then the two of you could stop this foolish game you’re playing. Everyone knows the two of you belong together.”

“Shhhh,” Jo hissed. She couldn’t bear thinking that Julia would overhear them talking. If she thought for one minute that she was the cause of Ali not getting the job, it would crush her. “It’s better this way. Trust me.” She tossed her pen to the counter and sighed. “I’m headed out. I’ll see you later.” She moved away from May and hurried off to the breakroom, so May wouldn’t see that her heart was shattering all over again. She grabbed her purse and left, then went to the elevator, ignoring a look in May’s direction. She pressed the button for the main floor and leaned back against the wall. The elevator stopped to pick someone up, and when the doors opened, she saw Nolan.

His face fell when their eyes met and there was a moment she questioned if he would run away from the elevator. Instead, he stepped on and let the doors close.

“Hey, Johanna,” he said .

“Nolan! Long time no see.”

He nodded and they took the one floor ride until the doors opened again. As the doors opened, he turned to Jo. “She’s having a difficult time with this. I hope you know that.” Jo opened her mouth and then she looked down at the floor and stared, just hoping she wouldn’t burst into tears. “I just don’t want you think that what you two had wasn’t real to her. Because I can tell you that it was.”

Jo looked up and stared at him. “Well, if you see her, tell her I’m sorry she’s having a tough time.” She pushed the button for the doors to close and fell back against the wall. One more second lost in conversation with him and she could see that she would turn into mush. She wasn’t fine, herself, but the longer she allowed her thoughts to linger on that, the harder it would be to keep going to her. When the elevator doors opened again, she was at her floor and hurrying out of the hospital, so she wouldn’t get stopped by another person that just wanted to give her a piece of their mind.

When Jo reached the train, that was the first time she could fully take in a breath. She crashed down to the nearest seat and leaned forward. She felt like she would be sick. The train took off and she leaned back in her seat and just waited out the ride. She appreciated the stops that evening. She stared out the window and didn’t let her lingering thoughts stay too long on Ali, even if that’s where her heart wanted to take them.

When she got into her apartment, Maverick was there to greet her, and she knelt down in front of him and ruffled behind his ears. “At least I have you, boy!” She nuzzled her nose into his fur, and he applied several kisses on her face. Jo stood to her feet and went to the kitchen, but everything she stared at in the refrigerator, just felt like her stomach was hollering no. She was in a state of depression, all because of the breakup and if she didn’t snap out of it, she was liable to suffer as much as she did at her previous employer.

What was even more discouraging was there were bills that continued to pile up and that only added to her severe depression. Jo went to her bedroom and collapsed in bed, not even wanting to get dressed in her lounge pants and t-shirt. Maverick jumped up and laid beside her, his head on her lap as she laid there. She needed something but there was only one thing that could raise her mood and she wasn’t able to have her. How depressing was that?

Two more days went by, and she still felt the agony that was tearing her down. May, however, had gotten her boost back from working her double shift, leaving Jo in another sour mood.

“How about tonight?” May asked as they were leaving the hospital together.

“How about tonight, what?” Jo mumbled. To her relief, Ali had the past couple of days off, so she didn’t have to worry about running into her, but still there was this hole that hadn’t been repaired.

“A group of us are going out and I think you should join us?”

Jo snickered. “Well, I think I would only bring the mood down.”

“Jo, seriously? You need to get out and do something.”

Jo shrugged. “I was going to the other day, but you needed to get in bed.”

May rolled her eyes. “And we both know that was a tactic you were using to prove you’re alright. Well, no one is buying it.” Jo frowned. “I’m just being serious. Maybe you’ve fooled Ali, but this chick doesn’t believe that you’re fine. I know you too well to believe that.”

Jo sighed and rolled her eyes. “I have to get out of this funk, and I will. Trust me, I will. But tonight isn’t that night. I don’t know how long it takes you to mend a broken heart, but I know it isn’t just a couple of weeks.” Jo stopped at May’s car. “You go out and have a good time. You deserve it. I’ll stay with Maverick and just relish in our time together.” Jo waved, despite May’s scowl and hurried off to the train. If she would have stayed around much longer, then May would have probably convinced her to go, and she wasn’t ready to take that chance.

Jo took a bite of her pizza and leaned back in the booth. Another day of eating lunch alone. She would have expected by now to get used to it. She hadn’t been on the same shift as May and there wasn’t anyone else that she really felt the desire to eat with. Across the room, she had seen Nolan and Ali eating. They were laughing and carrying on when she hurried past their table twenty minutes earlier. It was another awkward situation she had to push past, but she was getting there. Slowly, but surely.

As she finished her pizza, she grabbed her trash to get up, when she spotted Ali. She was hurrying in her direction. Jo looked over her shoulder to find who she was actually going towards, but there was no one there. It was definitely clear she was heading towards her.

“Jo!” she cried. Jo stared, unsure if she could make out her expression. “Come with me, quick. It’s Vincent.”

Jo’s jaw dropped and it felt like she was punched in the gut. She tossed her trash and hurried out the door with Ali. She started for the elevator, but Ali grabbed her arm and shook her head and pulled her towards the back door.

“What? I don’t understand! He’s out…” Her words fell off when she saw his mom and him standing there, along with a Go lden Retriever. He was tossing the toy, and the dog was running after it. “Vincent?”

He turned and there was a huge smile on his face. “Jo!” He ran to her and threw his arms around her. She hugged him, so confused as to what he was doing there. She looked over to Ali, who beamed and nodded. In fact, she thought she saw a tear in her eye.

“What are you doing here?” She pulled back and knelt down in front of him.

“I wanted you to see my dog? I saw yours. Come here Bixby,” he called. Bixby ran over to him. Jo petted him and looked over to Vincent’s mother, who was also beaming, just as Ali had been doing moments ago.

“He’s so cute,” Jo said, leaning in and brushing her lips against the dog’s fur. I can see why you love this dog so much.”

He laughed and then wanted to show her tricks, from the way that he chased after the toys, to the way he would respond to various commands that Vincent made to him. He got lost in the moment, playing with him, giving Jo a chance to talk to his mom.

“How’s he been feeling?”

She grinned. “Never better. But I know it was the healthcare of you and all your team that helped him out. But Jo, it was mostly you. You treated him like more than a patient. He will never forget that care and attention. I will never forget that care and attention. She pulled Jo into a hug. “Thank you!”

“It was my pleasure.” Jo felt tears stinging the backs of her eyes.

“Excuse me, I have to get back to work.” She heard Ali’s words and before Jo could turn and thank her, she was rushing off to the hospital doors. She stared after her, then turned to Flora .

Flora smiled. “I always thought you two were cute together.” Jo’s jaw dropped. Flora laughed and shrugged. “Call it intuition, but you two seemed to have a certain vibe.”

“It’s against hospital regulation,” Jo dropped her gaze. Flora reached out and touched her arm.

“What’s meant to be will be. Just believe that.” Jo forced through a smile and stayed outside with them for another ten minutes before she had to leave.

“I have to get back to work, but it was great seeing you both and great meeting you Bixby.” Vincent gave her another hug before she waved and went back into the hospital. The ride up in the elevator, she rocked back on her heels, anxious to get up there and thank Ali for grabbing her from the cafeteria. When she reached their floor, it was Miles at the nurses’ station. “Have you seen Ali?” she asked.

“Just prepping her patient for surgery.” He looked back at his computer.

She was disappointed and anxious to get a few moments with her, so she could tell her how much she appreciated that moment with Vincent. However, it didn’t look promising that she would get the opportunity to speak with her, as the clock ticked on and neared when she was off the clock.

There was always the next day, but this was the first time in the past couple weeks that Jo felt like everything would be okay. For that, she was even more appreciative. She heaved a sigh and got on the elevator to go to the breakroom to get her purse. She moved slow, still hoping that maybe she would have just a few minutes with Ali. That’s all she really needed.

As she stepped outside of the hospital, though, that hope dwindled. She reached in her pocket and pulled up Ali’s name. Instead of typing her a message, she slipped her phone back in her pocket and headed towards the station .

“Jo, Jo!” She hesitated, wondering if maybe that was only her imagination. “Jo!” she heard again.

Jo spun around and saw Ali running towards her. “What are you doing?” Jo asked.

“I’m glad I caught you.” She swallowed as Jo saw the tension on her face. “I couldn’t wait another minute to say what I have to say.”

“Okay…” Jo stared; her heart seemed to stall in her chest as she waited to hear what Ali wanted to tell her.

“I know that you are probably not going to want to hear this. It’s clear that you have been doing well. I’ve seen the Insta posts, and I’ve seen you laughing, and I don’t want to disrupt that.” Jo’s mouth was agape. “But there’s something you have to know. You’re not a waste.”

Jo stared. “Excuse me?”

“You said that night that you don’t want me to waste the opportunity and us being together would do that. You’re wrong. You’re not a waste. If I had to give up the job for you, I would have done that. You are pushing me away didn’t help anyone.” Ali stepped back and dropped her gaze. “Again, I know you’re happy. So maybe it did help one of us, and that’s really all I want for you, is for you to be happy. But I just needed you to know that being with you would not have been a waste.” She hesitated and slowly shook her head. “Loving you, wouldn’t have been a waste.”

Ali pushed past Jo and Jo turned to watch her walk away. Jo wanted to yell out and tell her that she had it all wrong and she wasn’t happy. But there was a lot to think about and her heart was heavy. You’re not a waste! Those words hit her hard. Ali said she would have given up the job for her and Jo wanted to believe that, but would if she had allowed her to? That was the real question.