19. Chapter Nineteen

Chapter Nineteen

Greg

Greg pulled the SUV up to the cabin, put it in park, and then shut off the engine. Everything looked perfect, as it always did here. Peaceful, quiet. He hoped he’d made the right decision—that this trip would be exactly what Allen needed. Time away from everything that had been causing him anxiety. Time to rest and relax and let himself be cared for.

God, he hoped it would be enough.

He glanced sideways at Allen, who’d been sitting quietly in the passenger seat since they’d left the ferry terminal. He was staring out toward the water now, but as though he sensed Greg watching, he turned to Greg and seemed to force a small, unconvincing smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes.

Greg’s stomach twisted just a little as he reached out and took Allen’s hand, then brought it to his lips and placed a soft kiss on Allen’s ring finger, just above his wedding ring. It was okay. It would all be okay. They had time—several days of time to focus on nothing else.

And he didn’t doubt for one minute that Allen’s real smile—the one he’d fallen in love with thirty-three years ago—was still there. He’d seen little glimpses of it earlier on the ferry, and he’d seen it yesterday too, when they’d been cuddling in bed and talking about low-stress things... like this vacation.

So he knew it was still there. He’d just have to work hard to bring it back more reliably.

He gave Allen another gentle smile of his own, which he really hoped conveyed everything he wanted it to—all his love and all the promises he had in his heart. Then he released Allen’s hand and pocketed his keys.

“Ready, darling?” Greg asked.

“Yeah.”

Greg nodded and hopped out of the SUV. The air was fresh, with a strong pine scent, so familiar and so tempting to him, like the forest was calling his name. He closed his eyes and inhaled deeply, letting the comfort of the forest surround him and wash away the little bit of worry he didn’t really need to have anyway. Then he jogged around to the passenger side to meet Allen, who had just opened his door.

Greg reached out his hand, which Allen took, and then helped his husband out of the SUV. He paused there for a moment, holding Allen’s hand and studying Allen’s beautiful, kind eyes. Then he couldn’t resist. He brought his free hand up and ran the backs of his fingers along Allen’s jawline, the familiar roughness of Allen’s beard providing another measure of reassurance that everything really would be okay.

The corners of Allen’s lips twitched upward in a small smile, and Greg leaned in to kiss him. It was a light kiss again, but he lingered there for a moment, their lips pressed together tenderly, as he let his other arm wrap around Allen’s waist. Then he pulled back just enough to shift slightly, and he buried his head into the crook of Allen’s neck, holding him tighter.

“I love you,” he murmured, and he closed his eyes and settled there for several long seconds, not wanting to let go.

The buzz of his cell phone from his pocket, however, pulled him out of the comfortable place he’d found, and he groaned quietly and straightened up. Allen chuckled and backed up a step.

“Ahh, I’ll just ignore it,” Greg said. “It’s probably just the group text or something.”

But Allen shook his head. “It could be important. But we can go inside first. I’d love to make some tea and then probably just sit out on the deck for a bit. Come on.” Allen slipped his hand into Greg’s, and they walked together toward the small, one-story cabin.

The cabin sat at the end of a rocky outcropping and was nestled among towering pines, which cleared along the back of the home to reveal a full, expansive view of the San Juan Channel and neighboring Lopez Island. They’d stayed there multiple times in the past, typically when they had been on the island for multiday events, such as art festivals or gallery shows or the farmers’ market. But it was nothing short of a miracle that the cabin had been unoccupied and available; according to the owner, Janice, her booking for the weekend had literally just canceled right before Greg had called.

And it had made his decision feel even more right.

Together, he and Allen made their way to the front porch, input the code to unlock the door, and let themselves in. Several minutes later, their tea made but his text messages not yet checked, he and Allen settled down on the outdoor couch on the back patio overlooking the channel .

Allen took a cautious sip of his tea—a fragrant blend of chamomile and lavender—as Greg set his tea on the small patio table in front of them and then pulled out his cell phone. He’d gotten several more text messages while they’d been preparing the tea, and he smiled when he quickly scanned them. He opened up the most recent one first.

“Ah, look, darling, Annabeth sent a photo for you,” Greg said softly, and he shifted to show Allen his phone screen. His heart warmed as Allen’s eyes lit up and he reached out to take the phone.

“Wow, three new kids today, and I... Wait, what is...?” Allen set his tea on the table next to Greg’s and then brought the phone just a little closer to his face. His eyebrows scrunched together as he slid his fingers on the screen to zoom in on the image. “They made... for me?”

Greg slipped his arm up and around Allen’s shoulders. “They did. Annabeth’s text said it was Kiera’s idea? I’m not sure who that is.”

“This little girl right here.” Allen pointed to the screen, where a tiny girl held up a piece of pink construction paper decorated with several colorful drawings and the words Get Well Soon Mr. Allen written in large block letters. “Last week was her first time at the library. Her family moved here from Pittsburgh, and... and I helped her find books on kittens and dragons. She’s such a sweetheart. Gosh, I... All of them made cards? F-for me?”

“Yeah,” Greg whispered, and he kissed Allen’s cheek. “That’s what Annabeth’s text said. They all stayed an extra hour.”

“Wow.”

Allen’s hand seemed to be shaking as he stared at the phone more, taking the time to zoom in on each of the handmade messages the children held. Greg’s heart both ached and felt so incredibly full as he watched tears gather in Allen’s eyes, and when Allen had finally finished reading the messages, he sniffled, wiped his cheeks, and handed the phone back to Greg.

“Thank you for showing me that,” he said quietly.

“You are so loved, Allen,” Greg said softly. He switched off the screen on his phone—all of the other texts were from their group chat, and he could show them to Allen later. And though he’d planned on gathering Allen up in his arms and kissing him, it was Allen who melted into him first, falling against Greg and burying his head in Greg’s chest. His arms wrapped protectively around his husband, and he closed his eyes and rested his cheek against the top of Allen’s head. “You are loved, and you are important to me and to so many others. And you are enough just as you are. Always, my love.”

His heart clenched as he felt Allen shudder against him.

“I don’t—I mean... I can’t...” Allen shook his head, even as he kept it pressed into Greg’s chest. “My brain doesn’t listen. It tells me the opposite. And worse. All the time. And I’m trying—I’m trying so hard.”

“Shh. Shh, I know, darling.”

Allen’s voice was muffled as he started talking again, but Greg could clearly hear every word. Every sad word. “I know this was the right thing to do—to come here. I need the time away. With you. Just me and you, and I-I really hope this is going to help me, and I’m going to try my best to get better, to let myself get better.” He paused for a second and took another deep, shaky breath. “But even now, even after those wonderful messages from the children—god, Greg, those just make my heart feel so full—but there’s still this voice in my head saying how terrible it is that I have little kids worried about me. How I’ve made them worry. How I’m not strong enough, because if I was, I would be at work right now. How I’m not worth everyone’s care or—or love. Even your love. How— ”

“Shh, no, no,” Greg cut in, and Allen stopped, exhaled roughly, and shook his head.

“It’s... a constant battle. Especially these last few weeks.”

“I know. I know.”

“And I’m . . . so tired of fighting sometimes. Sometimes I just . . .”

Greg’s stomach flipped and twisted and did all sorts of painful things as Allen trailed off and didn’t say whatever horrible truth had been about to come. He closed his eyes and rubbed one hand up and down Allen’s back slowly, lovingly.

“You can rest now, darling. Just rest and let me take care of you. Let me love you.” Greg pressed a kiss into Allen’s hair, even as Allen nodded into him, still shaking. “But please also... don’t ever stop fighting those words. They’re untrue—all of them. It’s not terrible that the kids are worried about you. They just care about you because you’ve had a positive impact on all their lives. They’re learning empathy and compassion, and they’re learning how important it is to let the people they care about know it. And you are incredibly strong and brave. And you are worthy of love—my love, the love of our friends and neighbors and the whole community. You are worthy, and you are loved, and you are enough.” Greg felt himself start to shake then, and he breathed yet another kiss into Allen’s hair. “Please don’t ever give up. Don’t ever stop fighting. But also know that you don’t have to fight this alone. I’m here for you, Allen. Now and always. You are not alone. No matter what mountains we face, we’ll climb them together. I love you, Allen Westin—and that will always be true.”

They sat there together for some time, neither of them moving, even to drink more of their tea. And Allen stayed silent, except for the sound of a heavy breath every once in a while. Greg both wished and didn’t wish he knew what was running through Allen’s head right then. More of the same intrusive thoughts, probably. Which was why Greg should suggest they do something—anything—to distract him from all of that.

Greg looked out beyond the small, rocky beach in front of them, out across the water, and he thought back to the first time he and Allen had stayed here at the cabin nearly fifteen years ago, before it had become an official rental property. The owner, Janice, was a friend of Greg’s mother, who was now living down in California in a small retirement village along the central coast. Janice had bought the place in 2007, with the intention of living here full time, and Greg and Allen had come up to help her with some repairs. They’d stayed an extra few days, and Greg had, of course, taken the opportunity to explore hiking on the island for the first time and had gotten some amazing photographs at several different locations on the island, and Allen had come with him. The hikes hadn’t been terribly strenuous, at least not compared with some of the hiking he and Allen had often done on the mainland at that time, and Allen had been more than capable of it then.

But as he thought back on it now, Greg realized the hiking and the photography were not his favorite memories from that trip. Like so many other times, his favorite memories were of much smaller moments.

Like the time they’d been sitting here on that first trip—sitting in this very spot—and they’d seen a group of three humpback whales swimming south through the channel.

And that time—also on the first trip—that Allen had found some old poetry book in the bookstore in town, and his face had just lit up with the biggest, most brilliant smile Greg had maybe ever seen as he’d skimmed the pages.

And again on that same trip when Greg had found out Allen had never eaten s’mores before, and so they’d gone shopping and then made s’mores over the firepit. It had been so fun and messy, and afterward, they’d danced to soft music under the stars...

“We should make s’mores tonight,” Greg said, finally breaking the silence. “We’ll have to run into town—or I can go alone—but... we should definitely make s’mores tonight, after dinner.”

Allen let out a soft hmm and then straightened up a tiny bit and tilted his head back. His eyes glistened slightly, but his cheeks were dry. “Only if you’ll dance with me afterward,” he said quietly, and a small but obviously hard-fought smile grew on his lips.

Greg blinked back tears of his own and reached up to cup Allen’s cheek. Then he leaned in for a soft, warm kiss, and when he pulled back, he rested his forehead against Allen’s. “Anything you want, darling.”