18. Chapter Eighteen

Chapter Eighteen

Allen

Allen took off his reading glasses and closed his book since he wasn’t really reading anyway—just staring at jumbled letters on the page while his mind raced in some continuous round of self-deprecating thoughts that hadn’t really stopped since his conversation with Greg that morning. He glanced out the windshield ahead of him, trying to focus on anything else. But his chest felt tight and his hands felt clammy and tingly, buzzing with unease.

He forced himself to take a few minutes to count things in his visual field. Six western hemlocks, one Japanese maple, three western redcedars. Two seagulls. One small yacht—heading north up the Puget Sound. Fourteen—no, fifteen pyramid fence post caps along the wood fence outside Greg’s clients’ home.

It was distracting enough, but too temporary. Just like everything he tried.

He took a deep breath, closed his eyes, and set his hands on his thighs. The material of his jeans felt coarse against his fingertips, and he focused on that for a minute while using another deep breathing exercise. It, too, was temporary, but at least the tightness in his chest faded somewhat. When he opened his eyes again, his thoughts felt a little less intrusive.

He glanced at his watch and frowned as he realized it was taking Greg much too long to close up the back of the trailer. He leaned forward a bit and looked out his window into the passenger’s side mirror. But he couldn’t see anything. Maybe he should get out and check. After all, they should be back on the road by now.

Not that Allen was in a hurry—in fact, maybe he’d prefer to not be home for a while yet, to still be out and about and away from the house so he wasn’t just sitting there fixating on their unfinished conversation this morning or how downright lousy he was still feeling in his head.

And even here, even now, sitting in the SUV with all the distracting things around him, that task seemed impossible. His thoughts still tried to swerve, still tried to take that dark turn he’d been so desperately avoiding. He closed his eyes and leaned his head back, unable to stop it. The whole morning replayed—beginning with him waking up to an overwhelming anxiety and uncertainty, every negative emotion and thought practically screaming at him that he needed to find a way to convince Greg to go on that work trip for Paul, and ending with his abysmal attempt and complete failure to change Greg’s mind.

What a mess that had been. Not that he’d expected to be successful, really. He was terrible at arguing his point, even when it was important, like this. But now, he wasn’t quite sure what to do.

Certainly at some point, Greg would realize how much he was missing out on, and he would realize it was all Allen’s fault, because it was. Then Greg would surely be angry and upset, and he had all the right to be. All the reason to be.

Because it was Allen’s fault .

All of it.

All of it was—

Allen’s thoughts stopped abruptly as the driver’s side door opened, the sound jarring in the otherwise quiet vehicle. He opened his eyes and squinted at the bright sunlight, which seemed somehow to pull him back to the present and away from the rough downhill slide he’d been on. Then he turned his head as Greg peeked in.

Greg had his phone in one hand, and the other was grasping the door, holding it open just enough. Greg’s brilliant smile and sparkling eyes tugged at some deep emotion in Allen, and his heart seemed to stutter.

“Darling, a question for you... Do you trust me?” Greg asked.

Allen blinked, the question so out of left field that he had to think on it for half a second. “Of course.” He nodded. “Completely.”

“Good. Okay. One more minute, then we’ll be on our way,” Greg answered with another grin. He closed the door, lifted the phone up to his ear, and started talking as he moved back toward the trailer again. Allen couldn’t really make out anything more than a muffled “yep, that’ll be perfect” before Greg disappeared out of his view.

Do you trust me?

It was a funny question to ask, and Allen had no idea what it could possibly mean. If they’d been younger, he might actually have hesitated, since that look in Greg’s eye could have meant Let’s go jump out of an airplane! or Paragliding! It’ll be a blast! or A class five climb! Come on, let’s do it!

But even though he was ninety... eight? percent certain Greg wouldn’t throw something at him that he couldn’t handle, he found himself glancing back in the side mirror again, his teeth worrying at his lower lip .

Maybe he did just want to go back home. Maybe that was the safest thing. The easiest thing. The predictable thing.

He’d said yes, though, because he did trust Greg. Especially now. Today. With everything.

Allen closed his eyes and forced his breathing to slow—again. And he counted backward from ten as he breathed in and out in controlled, measured breaths. Just as he reached zero, the driver’s side door opened again.

“Sorry to take so long, darling. Everything’s packed up. You ready to go?” Greg’s voice sounded slightly different—both eager and nervous, Allen thought.

He turned his head slowly until he could see Greg, who was now seated in the driver’s seat, fastening his seat belt. “Um, yeah, but...”

Greg tilted his head a little, still smiling, and he reached out and started up the SUV. “But what was that all about?” Greg said, his eyebrows raised in earnest.

“Yeah.”

“Just some planning I had to do. You still trust me?”

“I don’t know why you’re even asking me that,” Allen said, and though he’d meant to keep his tone light, his voice sounded more serious than he’d intended. He let out a short breath. “I mean, I do trust you. Of course I do. I just don’t... trust myself. Which is... I don’t even know what it means in this context because I have no idea what... you’re planning...”

Allen trailed off as he watched Greg’s smile fade and his lips purse into a frown. Shaking his head slightly, Greg reached over and set his hand on Allen’s thigh. “I didn’t mean to worry you, darling. I just got a little excited. Maybe a little carried away, and ah, well, I hope you’ll love it. I think it’ll be wonderful.”

Allen gave a small smile and nod and somehow refrained from asking what exactly it was. Some last-minute excursion, an outing somewhere that he hopefully had energy for. And because he really did trust Greg, he was sure Greg wouldn’t plan something strenuous. Because he very much didn’t have any energy. At all. “I-I don’t know if I can...” He shook his head, hating how he seemed incapable of finishing his sentences.

But Greg just squeezed his thigh gently.

“We’re going to grab some quick sandwiches from Minnie’s—I called ahead, so they’ll be ready when we get there—and then we’re heading up the coast a bit. Trust me, darling. I’ve taken care of everything. And today, tonight, tomorrow, the whole weekend, my only plan is to take care of you . Whatever you need.”

“Tomorrow? The weekend?” Allen asked, now thoroughly confused.

Greg nodded. “We do sort of have to hurry, though. The ferry leaves at two, and we don’t want to miss it.”

“The ferry?”

“Yep. For our Friday Harbor vacation, which starts now.”

***

It was the definition of spontaneous, and yet, somehow Greg had managed to fully plan and execute “spontaneous” in the ten minutes or so that he’d been at the back of the trailer, “closing it up.” He’d called Annabeth to ask whether it would be difficult for her if Allen took the rest of the week off. He’d called Joe to ask if Beans could have a bit of an extended playdate with Poppy for the rest of the week and over the weekend. He’d called to reserve the ferry ticket for them and their vehicle. He’d called a friend who owned several rental properties on the island to check their availability—and when luck was on his side and their favorite cabin happened to be available, he’d reserved it for tonight through Monday morning. Then he’d called their friend Darryl and asked if Darryl could grab a few things for them from King’s Market—a short list of clothes, toiletries, and groceries, which they’d pick up on their way through town after getting off the ferry.

It was completely spontaneous. Completely last minute.

And because of that, it both terrified Allen and felt exactly right. For one, it completely saved him from all the stress of decision-making, all the worry over planning and making sure everything was taken care of.

Greg had handled all of it.

And now, all Allen had to do was relax and let Greg take care of him...

Greg didn’t even have his camera with him, or his laptop. It would just be the two of them. From now through Monday morning. No obligations, no worries.

They could just be.

He could just be.

“We can do as little or as much as you want,” Greg had said as he’d pulled the SUV out onto the highway after they’d stopped at Minnie’s to grab their lunch. “We can stay at the cabin the whole time, or we can go walking through town. We can go hiking or kayaking, or we can watch stupid movies and eat popcorn. We can do whatever you want, or nothing at all. It’s all for you. All whatever you need, darling.”

As Allen stood next to Greg on the outside deck at the back of the ferry, leaning against his husband and watching the mainland get farther and farther away, he still wasn’t really sure what that meant. He still didn’t know what he wanted or exactly what he needed. He’d had a flicker of anxiety about missing work, but then Greg had held his hand and kissed his knuckles and reminded him that his mental health was more important .

And he had already had to call out three of the four days so far this week because he was obviously not well. His mind obviously needed some time to heal... or something. So maybe this was exactly what he needed. And when he’d pulled out his cell phone just before they’d gotten out of the SUV to head to the outside deck, he’d seen a text message from Annabeth telling him not to worry about a thing except relaxing and getting better.

That was what he needed—to relax and get better. Or at least, he hoped that would be enough, that a quiet, relaxing weekend with his husband would be enough.

Greg slipped his cell phone into his pocket and then pressed a gentle kiss to Allen’s temple. “Darryl just texted me. He’s delivering everything to the cabin for us, so we don’t have to pick it up as we go through town, after all. We can just head straight there. And after we get settled in, I’ll make you dinner—filet mignon and asparagus and risotto.”

“Dinner sounds lovely. And Darryl—gosh, that’s so kind of him... I...” Allen shook his head and then settled it on Greg’s shoulder again. “I mean, that seems like a lot of trouble for him to go through just for us, and I . . .”

“He was happy to oblige, darling. In fact, when I called him earlier, he happened to already be in town and at the market. He was glad to help. Really.” Greg’s voice was some mixture of quiet and reassuring that just made the slightly uneven beating of Allen’s heart steady out.

“I might... not want to go out tonight. Or tomorrow. I-I’m not sure yet.”

“Perfectly understandable, and perfectly fine,” Greg murmured as he slipped his arm around Allen’s shoulders.

“But I understand if you wanted to—”

“—stay with you the whole time,” Greg cut in, though his voice was softer now. “I want to do whatever you want to do. And if that means all we’re doing all weekend long is cuddling in bed, sign me right up.”

Allen huffed a short laugh. “Well, when you put it that way...”

“I have no plans and no expectations.” Greg’s hand rubbed up and down Allen’s upper arm, and Allen felt as Greg turned and pressed another kiss to his skin, this time just next to his ear. In a low voice, Greg whispered, “All I want is to take care of you”—kiss—“for the rest of forever.”

Hearing the sincerity in his husband’s voice sent rushes of emotion through him—a warm shiver first, followed by a wave of something more intense. Some combination of love and relief and safety. Allen closed his eyes and let out a shuddering breath as Greg kissed his cheek one more time, then pulled Allen up against him a little tighter.

A few more passengers joined them and the rest of the crowd on the much-too-small outer deck, and the general chatter around them became a little louder. Allen could hear two little kids having some playful argument about what island was the one to the north and a young couple to their right talking about the best angle to take a selfie from. Another group was oohing and aahing over a flock of pelicans that had just taken flight to the south.

So many people just going about their lives.

He felt silly for a minute—almost embarrassed at how he couldn’t get rid of the dark thoughts in his head. How he couldn’t just be in the moment, enjoy all the small things around them. Like the giggling of the two little kids, the breeze of cool, salty air, the warmth of the sun shining overhead, the comfort of his husband’s embrace.

He opened his eyes again and found the flock of half a dozen or so brown pelicans gliding through the air, just feet above the top of the water. And he gave himself permission to just watch them. He tilted his head a bit to rest against Greg’s shoulder as the birds continued skimming the water. Then, together, as though some silent signal passed between them, they all descended the final distance to settle into the water, causing the surface to ripple. A couple of them flapped their wings, and one lunged down and forward, submerging its head underwater, then floated upright again and lifted its beak up in the air, maybe swallowing a fish it had caught.

After another few minutes, when the birds were no longer in view, Allen closed his eyes again and took a long, deep breath. “How much longer until we have to head back down to the SUV?”

“Ten, fifteen minutes maybe,” Greg answered quietly.

“M’kay.”

“Are you okay? Did you want to go back down now? I know it’s, um, a little loud up here, and I don’t mind, either way.”

“No, I’m... This is comfortable here. It’s nice. I’m good.” He turned his head and tilted it back a little. Greg was watching him with a soft smile, his expression hopeful and full of love. He stretched up as Greg dipped down, and their lips met in a short, sweet kiss.

When they parted, Greg was still smiling, and he reached up and cupped Allen’s cheek before leaning in to kiss his forehead. Then, they both went back to looking out across the water as the ferry continued on its route.