23. Chase

"So where do you want to set up, when we film?" I asked Adam after the front door shut behind the last of the Fixer Brothers crew that afternoon. "Your cock always looks amazing in the light by the balcony, but I kind of wanted to try a video in the living room."

"Chase," Adam said to me in the same tone that he'd had in the hallway earlier today.

The tone that had made me feel like I had some sort of Energizer fucking bunny in my chest, wondering why the hell he was suddenly getting so serious.

I did everything I could to avoid getting serious. With anything. With anyone.

I kept it light, because that was my charm.

Usually, at least.

So why did I suddenly feel like Adam was about to shatter all of that into pieces?

"I think our last videos looked really good, but I honestly miss some of the homemade charm that came from your cell phone videos, too," I said, keeping the conversation on the topic of filming because that was my comfort zone.

"All the videos are good. But I don't really care about that right now," he said, his tone warm and kind in a way that only made the hammering in my chest get louder.

I pushed my hair to one side, and then the other, glancing all around the room and trying to think of anything to look at other than Adam's eyes, because every time I looked at him I felt like he was looking right through me, down to some deeper, scarier part of my mind that even I didn't want to confront.

"God, does the sun look harsh this afternoon?" I asked, squinting at the golden light that usually seemed so buttery and soft to me. "It's kind of hot in here. Actually, do you mind if we open the doors for some air?"

I was thankful as he went over to the doors and swung them wide, letting the late afternoon summer air into the room. Up here in the mountains, there were usually intermittent winds, and today was no exception.

The cooler air hit my skin. Outside, I could smell some neighbor firing up a charcoal grill. The sound of the birds came through the air. Everything was normal. There was no reason I couldn't be normal. I took a deep breath, trying to figure out why the hell I couldn't get a handle on myself.

Then I looked up and met Adam's eyes, and instantly I knew it was a big mistake.

Heat pooled in my sternum. I may as well have melted right into the floor the moment his eyes were on mine.

Radiant green, kind and sweet, with one thing for sure: I knew I couldn't hide anything from Adam.

Not the way I'd been doing it with everyone else, for many, many years.

"I'm falling for you, Chase," he told me with a simple confidence.

The room had felt overly hot just moments ago, and now, somehow, I broke out in goosebumps.

He doesn't mean it.

He doesn't know what you're really like.

Don't let yourself feel whatever that makes you want to feel, because it's all going to crumble in front of you.

I puffed out a hollow laugh, breaking eye contact with him and crossing over toward his bed. I was a little lightheaded, and I sat down on the edge of the mattress.

I glanced over toward the dresser by the doorway and caught sight of something I hadn't noticed before: a bag of caramel apple lollipops. The exact brand I loved and had specifically told Adam about, before he even knew who I was online. The kind that he'd bought just for me, sucking on in the video he sent only to me.

I couldn't process it. I couldn't process anything, right now, other than the increasing feeling of my heart pounding in my chest.

"Get a taste of what it's like to fuck a guy and now you want to tell him you're falling for him?" I joked, already knowing it wasn't going to land. But I didn't know what else to say. "I know my ass is good, but you don't have to do that."

To my surprise, Adam actually smiled at my joke. He seemed unbothered by the fact that I was practically melting down in front of him right now. He was typically the more anxious one of the two of us, but right now he was calm as a placid lake.

Not running away from me.

Not wigged out by the strange way I was acting.

"You're funny, but no," he finally said, shifting and looking out the balcony doors toward the pine trees that lined his backyard. "It's not just about how good your ass is. Although it is hot as hell, and I definitely do want to fuck you again."

"Now we're talking," I said, swallowing.

I could always joke about sex. Another comfort zone of mine.

As long as he didn't get all serious on me again.

He turned my way, looking happier and more sure of himself than I'd ever seen him look before.

"I want to be your boyfriend," he said.

I snorted a laugh, looking down at the floor. "Adam, can we just set up for a video? I know it's summer, but the light won't last forever."

"Would you try, with me?" he continued, blowing past what I'd just said. "Try to date me? Actually date me?"

"That's a very cute thing to ask, but I know it's not real," I protested.

"It's real," he said, still calm.

He came over and sat down on the edge of the mattress right next to me. Suddenly his eyes were up close again, and the power of being so close to him wasn't something I could just ignore.

I stood up too quickly, feeling lightheaded. I sat back down on the end of the bed.

"I don't know if you understand why I haven't dated anyone in many years," I told him. "But I can promise you that you wouldn't enjoy dating me."

My chest suddenly felt like it had an anvil sitting on top of it.

It was the weight of years and years of experiences. Years of feeling—knowing—that I really had been too intense for just about everyone I dated. Years of being rejected, criticized, and told that I just needed to chill out.

"What don't you think I'd enjoy?" he asked, taking me as seriously as ever.

Because of course Adam took me seriously. He was so deeply good, in a way I'd never quite encountered before.

I met his eyes, summoning strength.

"Before I stopped dating, I was told by multiple partners that I… needed to spend more time alone," I admitted. "That I needed to be single. To find myself, whatever the hell that meant."

"So you did that?"

I nodded. "I did. I realized they were right. When I was in relationships, I lost myself. I stopped dyeing my hair for one guy who hated it. I ate eggplant parmesan every week for one guy, because it was his favorite meal, even though I fucking hate eggplant with the passion of a thousand suns."

Adam smiled softly. "Eggplant is the worst."

"I know," I said. "The point is that I did so many things I regret. I really have found myself, since deciding to stay out of relationships. When I got in them, I was always inevitably told that I was too much, or too intense. And I'm done with that. Done with it."

A tightness was forming in my throat.

There was a reason I didn't like talking about this stuff, and why I always kept everything light. It fucking hurt to think of all the guys who had rejected me. Or all the guys that I'd changed myself for, only to get nothing in return.

But I also couldn't do a damn thing without thinking of Adam.

Couldn't see the constellations in the night sky without thinking of him, and how much he liked them. Couldn't imagine life without his sweet text messages. Couldn't remember what it was like before he had come into my world, making everything feel a little more special.

Adam's hand hovered over my thigh for a moment, and then he set it down. He squeezed my leg, a comforting feeling that I hadn't even known I wanted.

"I think that's a good thing," Adam finally said, gently running his palm along me. "And it sounds like you actually needed that time and space."

"I really did."

"And it also sounds like you really have found yourself," he said. "As much as any person can. You're one of the most confident people I've ever met. I sure as hell can't see you eating eggplant for anyone now, or ever making your hair different just because they are rude about it."

I puffed out a bitter laugh. "Fuck, no. Never again."

He ran his palm down my leg until he reached my open hand, and he laced his fingers through mine, squeezing my hand as he looked in my eye again.

"And that's why I'd love to try being your boyfriend, if you'd have me."

My heart lurched again. "Adam, I just told you why that's not a good idea."

"Bullshit," he said, but the look on his face was still kind and calm.

I tipped my head back, sighing as I looked up at the ceiling for a moment. "You don't know the real me."

"Pretty sure I do."

"There are so many ways that I'm too much."

My shields were up again, in full force.

"Not for me," he said. "Not that I've ever seen. In fact, I want a whole lot more of you."

I shook my head. "You don't know… how annoying I am on road trips, for example."

I glanced at him again and he gave me a look of doubt.

"Let me guess," he said. "You probably want a lot of sugary snacks to start off the trip. You probably talk a lot at first, in a really cute way, noticing all sorts of sights on the road and cars driving by. Then you might demand to put on 80s pop music until you fall asleep in the passenger seat, and then you lightly snore, which you're embarrassed about?"

I felt like I'd just been hit with a water balloon. "Okay, maybe you actually can accurately predict how I act on a road trip. How the hell did you know about what type of music I'd put on?"

"Trivia night," Adam said. "Remember? You knew the title of that Madonna album so fast."

I ignored the stirring of affection deep inside me when he remembered that.

"I do not snore," I said.

"I've slept next to you more than once, now," Adam says. "You don't snore, you just… breathe a little louder sometimes."

"Oh, God," I said. "This is why. This is why I don't let people sleep over—"

"And it's really, really cute."

I moved to one side and Adam squeezed my hand again in his. "But I'm not boyfriend material," I said. "I'm telling you."

"What do you even mean by that?"

"I already told you. I mean that I'm too much," I blurted out, emotion breaking through suddenly, like a dam had burst in me. I realized I was a little shaky, and I gripped his hand harder so he wouldn't notice. "I've been told that too many times."

"So be too much," Adam told me, turning to face me. "I want it."

"You couldn't want it."

He tilted his head to one side. "I really do."

He moved in, catching my lips in a kiss as I felt like every cell in my body was exploding all at once.

"Why are you so nice to me?" I whispered against his lips as he moved to one side, pressing more kisses to the side of my jaw. It was something I'd asked him before, and I'd never been able to understand.

"Because you're so fucking worth it," he said. "And I really want to be with you. Only you."

I felt like I'd just plunged toward the ground on a roller coaster.

Those words.

Only you.

The type of thing that would have sent me running for the hills if any other guy had said it for years of my life.

The type of exclusive commitment that usually provoked revulsion in me.

But instead, I felt like the heavy weight that had been on me for every single one of the last four years was strangely lifted. Like that anvil was gone, but it had been there for so long that I'd forgotten what life could even feel like without it.

"Chase," Adam murmured against me. "You can just break up with me if you don't like it. You never have to do anything you don't want to do. But you have to feel it, too. Don't you? What I feel, between us?"

He leaned back, looking in my eyes with a resolute purpose.

"I feel it," I whispered.

"When I'm with you, I feel like I belong," Adam said. "I've never really felt it before. Even the first day I met you, when you were helping me feel better about being on camera… you made me feel like I belonged."

"You are too fucking nice."

"And maybe what I really want is too much," he said. "Maybe that's what I need. Maybe you could never be too much for me, because as far as I can tell, you're pretty close to perfect for me."

I tackled him back onto the bed until I was leaning over him, covering his face with kisses. "You are going to regret saying that. I am so far from perfect."

He hummed. "I want to know what life could be like with you. Everything is more fun with you. Even things I used to hate."

I would never have let myself admit it if Adam hadn't said it first. The mountain of fear inside me that had built up over a lifetime, knowing that I could fall so hard for someone and have them shoo me like a fly.

I was still terrified.

My heart still felt like a goddamn drum going haywire inside me.

But for the first time in so long, I didn't want to put up a barrier between myself and Adam. I wanted to let him right in.

Knowing that I might get hurt—but that I also might have unknowingly stumbled on the best thing I'd ever found in my life.

He was worth it, too.

I shook my head as I sat up again, feeling like I was in some fevered, summer daydream.

"There's just one question I have to ask you, Adam, if you're going to be my boyfriend."

Holy fuck, just saying it felt like accessing a part of me that I'd buried deep.

I got to say that kind of thing again. And that was a small miracle.

"Ask away," he said.

"What are you like on road trips?"