19. Chase

The quiet beep of each camera filled the room as I started the video recording. It filled me with a sense of calm, bringing me back to reality when I'd felt like I was floating off into space all night.

We were here to film a video. A hot video, and nothing more.

Even though my heart felt like it was going to jump up out of my damn throat every time I looked at Adam.

All night, Adam had been looking at me, talking to me, and touching me like I was… someone to him. The way he'd put his hands on me in the car. In the hallway. Basically any time he looked at me or touched me, he made me feel things I hadn't felt in a very long time.

The cameras were my lifeline. I knew that what Adam wanted more than anything was to get the best video content possible. In here, I was back in territory that I understood: making Adam look the best he could and giving him the videos he deserved.

Adam had seemed very aware of the cameras when he'd first walked in, but ever since I came back from the shower, he seemed to have gotten plenty comfortable in front of them. He was lounging on the bed, propped up on one elbow.

And his eyes were on me.

"I couldn't stop looking at you across the table all night," he murmured as I walked toward the bed.

I glanced back toward the cameras, looking at the obvious red recording light. I'd expected Adam to stop talking about details from tonight after we'd started filming, but he clearly didn't give a fuck about that right now.

"Was I distracting you at dinner?" I asked playfully, trying to drop back into my usual carefree ways for the video.

"You don"t know the half of it," he said.

Fuck, there it was again. The look in his eyes that made me feel so seen in a way I wasn't used to. I had become very familiar with guys looking at me like I was a piece of meat, but Adam was watching me like…

Well, like he was about to have a lifelong dream fulfilled, all because of me.

Like I was important.

I wish I could say that I didn't find it hot to be the first guy he'd been with, but deep down I fucking loved it.

"Are you ready to fuck me, Adam?" I asked. "Heard you want to try a guy for the first time."

He pulled in a breath through his teeth, reaching one hand down to grip his cock through the grey sweatpants. "I want to try everything with you."

I stepped into the frame of the camera, standing at the edge of the bed. "I'm all yours for tonight."

He met my gaze. "You've been all mine for longer than that."

My heart lurched in my chest and my skin broke out in goosebumps.

I hated how right he was. I hadn't even wanted to look at another guy since I'd met Adam, and that fact was probably written all over me.

"I can teach you how to fuck me," I said, ignoring my feelings and focusing back on what I knew would be hot for the video. "You ready to be a good student for me?"

He groaned deeply, nodding. "Teach me how to give you what you need."

I gave my cock a stroke, looking down to see that precum was building at the tip. "First step is to get me turned on. You were pretty good at that all night."

"Wanted to fuck you since the moment I saw you earlier," he murmured, and I pulled in a slow breath, trying to process the compliment.

"I wanted you to fuck me, too," I said. "Your cock is pretty thick, so you're going to have to warm me up."

"Lube up my fingers and help you open up?" he said.

"Exactly."

I grabbed my lube from the nightstand drawer and brought it out, getting on the bed next to him. "I'm going to be pretty bossy when I tell you what to do, okay?"

His eyes flared. "Please boss me around," he said.

"Glad you're okay with that."

He reached out a hand and ran his fingers through my still-damp hair. "I like everything you do. Fucking everything."

My heart rate ticked up again and I froze in place.

He felt so good.

So fucking good. And that was just from him running his damn hand through my hair, not even close to even touching me anywhere else, yet.

I had to stop.

My head started swimming all over again and I stood up, walking over toward the cameras.

I pushed the button on each one of them to stop recording.

"Everything okay?" Adam asked right away, looking up with concern.

"Um, yes," I said, running a hand through my hair. "Are you sure you want to do this on camera? Your first time ever?"

His eyes darted from me to the cameras and back again. "I mean, it was wigging me out a tiny bit at first, but to be honest, I've already forgotten about them."

The quiet frenzy inside me wouldn't die down, though.

I was the one who was anxious.

"You don't think you'll regret such a private moment being out in the world?"

He paused for a moment. "It's definitely special for me. And I wouldn't normally do things for the first time on camera, I guess. But with you, it's different. Our video is doing so well."

I nodded at him.

Words were forming at the tip of my tongue, but I couldn't get them out. It was the opposite of how I normally felt: no filter, no hesitation, saying whatever the fuck I wanted.

How was I supposed to tell him that I was the one who was worried about our first time being so public? So consumable?

And why the fuck did I even care about that?

"I just want to make sure we're doing this for the right reasons," I told him.

He watched me close. "Chase, it doesn't seem like you want to do it on camera."

Fuck. Fuck. I was going to admit it, whether I liked it or not.

"Maybe I'm wondering if it's a good idea. A little."

He nodded once, like he'd instantly made up his mind. "Then I'll fuck you with the cameras off."

A thrill shot through my body all at once. It was everything I wasn't supposed to want. My cock jumped, and it almost embarrassed me how obvious it must have looked.

I didn't want to admit how hot it was that Adam would even suggest turning the cameras off. He still wanted to fuck me just as badly, even if it wasn't for the video. That was supposed to be off-limits, and yet…

I swallowed hard. "Cameras off?" I repeated.

His eyes blazed as he looked at me. "Come back over here."

I couldn't fucking say no to him if I tried.

I got back on the bed on all fours and within a moment he was tugging me down over him, crushing his lips to mine. I felt the warmth of his skin on mine and I let my mouth open to his, craving the slick heat of his tongue more than ever.

"You sure you want do do this?" I said against his lips.

"You know I do."

I felt his cock pressing up against me through the fabric of the sweatpants. His hands skated across my lower back and then felt for my ass, squeezing my cheeks hard. That one touch from Adam felt sexier than entire hookups I'd had in the past. I brought one of my hands to the side of his jaw as I pulled him into another kiss.

When I kissed him, I didn't overthink. And right now I really just needed to shut my brain up. I didn't think about anything other than the heat of his mouth, or the way he kissed me like he wanted so much more.

"Give me that lube," he murmured against my lips. I felt him reach for the little tube next to us and snap it open.

I got off of him and lay face-first on the bed, turning my head to glance sideways at him.

"Okay. So what you want to do first is—oh—"

I gasped as I felt his already slick fingers on my ass, gently pushing against my hole.

"I just wanted to touch you," he said. "So badly."

"You are always welcome to do that," I said, melting into the bed as his fingertips skated across my skin. "God, that already feels so good, and you're not even inside me."

He took that as a cue, pushing one finger inside me, slowly and gently.

"Is that ok?" he said, so softly and tenderly.

"How are you so sweet to me even when you're getting ready to rail me?"

He puffed out a nervous laugh. "Rail you?"

"Fuck yeah," I said.

"I just want to make sure you feel good," he said. I glanced sideways at him again and saw that same tenderness in his gaze.

"You're doing pretty well at that," I said.

His eyes flared a little wider. "Can you take this?"

He went for a second finger and as he pushed in I moaned involuntarily. I was used to the initial pain, but with Adam, everything felt new again. It was his first time, which made me aware of things that I would usually ignore.

Not that he seemed to need any help in the teaching department right now. He was doing exactly what I wanted him to do.

"I can take it," I said, my breath catching a little. "I want to take all of you."

He leaned in to kiss my shoulder and his thick hair brushed along my skin, soft and gentle. Everything about him felt good. He didn't rush or act like all he wanted to do was get off and then brace back home. He wanted to be here with me, and that was something I hadn't allowed into my life in a very long time.

When he leaned back and looked in my eyes again, I realized I was on a fast track to feeling way too fucking much again.

Why did I deserve that amount of care and kindness?

Why did he want to give any of that to me, when all I ever let myself do was have no-strings hookups? And why did he trust me enough to be his first time having sex with another man, even though I'd made it clear I wasn't trying to fall in love, or find "the one?"

Panic settled in my veins. And I wanted to blot it out with the one thing I knew how to do.

"Put your cock in me," I commanded.

He furrowed his brow. "Already? Aren't I going to hurt you?"

"I told you I can take it," I said. "I like a little pain."

"Are you sure?" he said, being far too kind to me as usual. "I am really enjoying the gasps you make as I finger you like this, honestly—"

"I want your cock," I demanded again, giving him a smoldering glare.

He nodded once. "All yours," he said.

As soon as he slid his fingers out, I moved to grab a condom from the nightstand drawer. I felt like if I spent a single second too long waiting, I would erupt like a volcano of too much feeling. And I wasn't in a place for feelings. This was just really, really hot sex, with a guy who happened to be one of the best people I'd met in years.

I handed him the condom as he pushed off his sweatpants. He tore open the packet and rolled it on, looking back at me with even more adorable eagerness all over his face.

"You're sure you want it to be me?" I asked.

"What?"

I swallowed. "Your first time. I am not worthy in any way of being your first, but if you want it…"

"I want it more than you could ever know," he said, his voice dropping a little lower. My cock throbbed, trapped between my body and the mattress as I lay on my stomach. "Chase, You're the hottest person I've ever met, let alone the hottest person who has ever talked to me."

"Shucks," I said. I was trying to pass off the compliment when in reality, it made my heart soar.

"And I'm not just sweet talking you so that I can fuck you," he joked.

I got up on all fours again, freeing my cock and arching my back. It was time to put my true teacher's hat back on, guiding Adam on what to do.

"Okay. Get behind me, lube up, and for the love of God, go slowly when you start to push in. You're pretty thick, so it's going to take a sec."

"Yes, sir," he said in a voice that made me throb uncontrollably.

Truthfully, Adam had worked me open pretty damn well with his fingers. I knew he couldn't just start plowing me as hard as possible right away, but I knew when I was loosened up, and I wanted him inside me so badly that I was pretty sure I could take him sooner rather than later.

But Adam was a dutiful student, as usual. He got behind me, slicked himself, and lined up his cock between my cheeks, pushing so gently that I had to encourage him to do more.

I shoved back against him a little and he moaned deeply as the first inch of his cock pushed past the tight ring of my hole.

"Oh my God," he muttered, one of his hands coming down to grip my hips as the other landed on the small of my back.

"Leave it there, just for a little bit," I said, breathless. There was a little bit of pain, but not nearly as much as it could have been.

I also liked holding him there, waiting patiently until he could get more. No matter what the circumstances were tonight, I wanted him to have a killer time for his first time fucking another guy.

Let him savor it.

Savor me.

"Give me a little more," I uttered, and his hand pressed a little harder on the small of my back. I let my eyes flutter closed as he pushed in more, giving me the tip of his cock.

"This is the sexiest thing I've ever seen," he whispered.

"Then give me more," I whispered back, knowing it would hurt a little but that I wanted it way too goddamn badly.

He pushed his way inside me gently and slowly like a dream for the next few minutes, stopping to let out the most delectable moans I'd ever heard from him. I'd heard so many hot things come out of Adam's mouth in his videos, but it was nothing compared to what he sounded like pushing inside me for the first time.

I wanted to burn it into my memory.

But at the same time, I was selfishly glad that we'd stopped the cameras. This moment would be ours, for the rest of time. I knew he'd never forget it, and I knew I couldn't, either.

A few minutes later, after he'd pushed the whole length of his cock inside me, I was on another planet entirely.

It was bliss. Again. The type of bliss that I had thought wasn't available to me anymore, but with Adam, it was always there.

"You feel so good," I said, my breath hitching as I spoke. "Stay there for a minute before you start pounding me?"

He groaned. "Don't even say the word pounding, or I'll come on the spot."

I hummed, squeezing around him and eliciting another incredible moan from him.

"You're allowed to come whenever the hell you want," I said.

"I want you to finish first," he said.

I paused for a moment, surprised that he'd said it. "You do?"

"Of course," he said. He reached around me, feeling for my cock and giving it a hard grip. "If I feel you squeezing around me as you come, it'll be the only thing I need to finish."

"Adam, I'd be happy if you pulled out your cock, jerked off over my body, and just left me in a hopeless mess all over my bed. You don't have to worry about me."

"I'm not worried about you," he clarified. "I just really want to watch you come."

I sighed as he tightened his grip around me, stroking me even though he had to bend over in a slightly awkward position to do it. He started to thrust inside me, just the tiniest bit, as he stroked my cock, and the twin sensation was enough to send me deep into another hypnotized trance.

"This is some advanced stuff, first timer," I teased him, but my voice may as well have sounded like it was underwater.

"Well, this isn't just about me, it's also about you," he murmured.

I felt like I was almost being cradled by him, inside and out. The back of my body was covered in his, and around the front he gripped my cock like it was his own.

"I fucking love this," I whispered without thinking, my hips starting to rock in tandem with his touch.

"I wanted this so badly," he said, his voice breathy near the back of my ear. "I want you to come for me."

"Fuck, if you say it like that, I'm going to blow way too soon."

"Maybe I want that."

"Your first time fucking another guy and he comes way too fast?"

"Then I'll just fuck you again later." Close to my ear, he made a sound like a purr or a growl or the hottest fucking thing I'd ever heard.

"God," I said, a pulse of sensation filling me at the sheer concept of there being a next time for us.

He was able to get a little bit of leverage, thrusting inside me even as he reached around to pump my cock in his fist.

"I want to come for you," I said. "I'm going to."

"Please, Chase."

It rushed up on me like a tidal wave. Adam was thrusting in me now as deep as he could and my cock was in the tight grip of his hand. Everything else in the world disappeared other than the heat and pressure of his body on mine, and I started to come without hesitation, just wanting to give him what he craved and let myself fall into the sensation completely.

Adam drew it out of me, stroking me as I shot white all over my bedsheets under me, cursing under my breath.

Adam was all I could feel. All I could hear, too, as he hummed in satisfaction feeling me come while his cock was still deep inside me.

"You are amazing," he uttered, letting go of my spent cock. "That is exactly what I wanted."

He was able to lean back now, changing his position so that he could thrust even harder inside me.

"Use me," I said in a broken whisper. But even in my surreal, post-orgasm haze, I knew there was no world in which Adam would just use me.

He cared. He truly cared about me.

And that broke my mind more than anything else about him.

"I'm going to lose it," he said.

"I came so hard for you," I said. "Come for me, too."

He thrust deep inside me and I could feel his cock pulsing as he came deep in me, filling the condom and digging his fingertips into the skin on my back.

He moaned deeply. One of my favorite sounds I could imagine, right now.

"So good," he was muttering over and over again under his breath. "Best ever. I came too fast. But that's what I wanted. But I also wanted it to last forever. But it felt so fucking good. And now I'm rambling."

I laughed softly. Both of us were breathing heavy, our bodies hot up against each other. As he pulled out of me and discarded the condom, I felt like I was somewhere above both of us, floating into the air.

"You did great, my first-time student," I told him.

"I feel like I have a lot to learn."

"Well, I think you'll have fun studying. Maybe I can help write you a tutorial book. The Ways of The Cock."

"I want The Ways of Chase's Cock," he said, and I tried to ignore how much I really liked that response.

In a daze I stripped away the sheet I'd messed up and tossed a clean one on my bed. Adam was standing at the edge of it, breathing normally now, watching like he was just as high up in the clouds as I was.

A nervous flutter hit my chest.

This was usually the point where I would reach for my clothes, say something about needing to wake up early the next morning, and politely offer a hookup some snacks or drinks before they headed out for the night.

Instead, right now when I looked at Adam, all I felt was a yearning.

"I should probably get going," he said, but when he caught my eyes there was a question behind his gaze.

I was pretty sure he didn't want to leave.

Pretty sure he was only saying it because he thought it was what I would want—what I'd shown him that I wanted, in the past.

And even though it felt impossible, I knew that right now, it wasn't what I wanted at all.

Just say it, I told myself.

Why was it so hard to say?

I swallowed hard past a tightness in my throat. "I…" I started, unable to finish the sentence.

"It's okay," he said. "I'll just head out."

It felt like he was ripping my heart in two.

"I don't want you to leave," I finally said, my voice coming out timid but desperate, in a way that almost never happened for me.

His eyes briefly widened. "It's no trouble. I can get home easily."

"Will you stay here with me?" I asked, feeling like I was asking for the whole world.

I couldn't imagine more tension in the air.

Hookups were easy.

But actually wanting someone to spend the night and asking them if they would? That was like teetering on a tightrope, to me.

Because I wanted him to say yes. So fucking badly it hurt.

I wanted it just as much as I'd wanted him to fuck me earlier tonight.

"Sure," he said simply.

Relief cascaded through me so quickly it was embarrassing. It was like he'd just told me I won the lottery.

I swallowed past a tightness in my throat. "Okay," I said softly.

"Um, sometimes I toss and turn a little bit as I'm falling asleep. Is that going to bother you, or—"

"Toss and turn as much as you want," I interjected. "Toss onto me all night. Push up against me or sleep on me like you're my weighted blanket, for all I care."

He smiled gently, the skin around his amazing green eyes crinkling up. "Chase, I thought you said you didn't like people spending the night."

Yes, but the thought of you leaving my side right now kind of makes me want to explode, and I can't figure out why.

"I don't like it, usually," I said. "I just want it tonight, okay?"

He nodded. "Okay," he said gently. "Then I'll stay with you."

Once I'd asked him to stay the night, it was like the tension morphed into some beautiful, magical agreement between the two of us. I felt like I was a teenager having a secret sleepover, doing something I hadn't done in a long time. I let Adam have a spare toothbrush, and in another few minutes, the two of us were tucking under the sheets together. The weight of another person sleeping next to me in bed—actually sleeping—was foreign but somehow so good.

I liked Adam's bulk. I liked how the bed sank a little next to me, causing me to naturally move in closer to him and touch the side of his body.

I turned off the light on my bedside table and we were cast into darkness. The light from outside filtered in through the slats of my blinds, and the occasional sounds of the street faintly came up from below.

I was peaceful and giddy all at once. I wanted to hop on top of him, cover him in kisses, and dig my fingers into his hair. Instead I lay there motionless, listening to the sounds of him shifting in bed gently.

"Chase?" he asked a moment later, just as I thought he might have been falling asleep.

"What's up?" I asked him.

"Since when does the term salsa make its way into desserts?"

I turned over and looked at his face in the faint glow of the light from the window.

A smile crept over my face. "You're talking about the dessert menu at dinner tonight, aren't you?"

"Yes," he told me, turning over so that he was on his side as he looked at me. "I'm not crazy, right? The dessert menu said chocolate cake with salsa?"

I laughed, stuffing one of my arms beneath my pillow as I looked over at him. "There's no way that thing came with regular salsa. It had to be blueberries and strawberries or something, right?"

"Then why wouldn't they just call it jam?" he protested. "Or… mixed fruit? I think those fancy chefs are trying to serve cake with tomato salsa."

"We have to get to the bottom of this," I said. "I'll email Emmett tomorrow for the important questions. He said he goes to that restaurant all the time."

"They also had a torched vanilla pudding on their appetizer menu," Adam said. "Whoever is making that menu is toying with our perceptions about the structure of dinner. Appetizers, desserts… it's anarchy, Chase."

Both of us started laughing.

"We'll just have to start our own protest," I told him. He reached out a hand, running his fingers through my hair as he closed his eyes and sighed.

"Can't let ‘em get away with it," he murmured. I recognized the deeply tired tone in his voice.

I knew he got sleepy after he came, and tonight had been long to begin with. As he started to drift off, his hand rested near my collarbone. I grasped it between my hands, giving it a gentle squeeze.

I wanted him here. Right here next to me, sleeping soundly.

He hadn't just broken through my shields. He'd made them disappear completely, just for him.

And lying in bed with him right now felt far too good for me to try to fight that feeling.