16. Adam

I stepped into Jade Brewery expecting a cram-packed, high-decibel experience like I'd gotten on trivia night, and instead I paused for a moment at the door, taking in something altogether different.

It turned out that at two o'clock in the afternoon on a Tuesday, Jade Brewery was actually one of the most peaceful, tranquil places in town.

"Adam," Shawn said from a booth on the far end of the room, smiling and waving me over.

I nodded at him, adjusting the strap of my laptop bag on my shoulder. I headed over, marveling at the state of the brewery.

"This place is great at this time of day," I told Shawn as I sat down in the booth across from him.

"You like it when it's less busy?"

"Nobody's here," I said. "It's like paradise."

Shawn laughed softly, even though I hadn't been joking, even a little bit.

It wasn't fully empty, but the only people in here were a pair of women sitting at the bar, clearly finishing up after a late lunch, a gruff, lumberjack-looking guy over by the big metal brewing tanks, and Rush, the owner of the bar. Gentle music was playing, at a volume about five times lower than it had been during trivia night.

It was really nice. Almost the kind of place I'd rather be than at home alone.

"I like it a lot at this time of day too," Shawn said, "and not just because I get better views of the love of my life behind the bar."

"Right," I said, looking over at Rush. "Did you and Rush meet here at the bar?"

Shawn shook his head. He looked every bit like a home contractor in his Fixer Brothers shirt and work pants, even though today he wasn't working on any construction projects.

"Rush was my brother's best friend growing up," Shawn told me, a glimmer appearing in his eye. "If you want the truth, I had a crush on him for a long time before we ever started dating."

That made my ears perk up. "Really?"

"Had a huge, hopeless crush," Shawn confirmed. "I thought Rush wouldn't want anything to do with me."

Shawnhadn't thought his partner wanted him?

Shawn Wood wasn't just TV-show levels of handsome, he was also confident and great at his job. He and his brother had built Fixer Brothers from the ground up, and they were also some of the kindest and friendliest people I'd ever met.

If he could feel anxious about a crush, maybe I didn't have to be so hard on myself.

Not that I should have been thinking about Chase again. It had been a few days since Chase and I had filmed each other, and I'd had the hottest fucking night of my life getting to suck his dick for the first time.

But he'd left my house quickly right after, and I'd been reminded of reality. I was still my same old lonely self, even if I'd been proud to suck his cock earlier that night.

I'd tried to think about anything else for the past few days, but it had been nearly impossible. I hadn't received the final edited videos from him yet, but I kept checking my texts and emails, way too often.

Chase also hadn't been texting me like we had been doing before, on my Adam Dix account or on our regular text message thread. I knew I'd probably overextended a little when I'd asked him to grab dinner that night, but it wasn't personal.

Chase just didn't do that kind of thing, and that was okay. I had to be okay with it. My crush was undeniable, but it wasn't going to lead anywhere. I knew I just had to keep moving forward, buckle down, and rein it in.

I'd been dealing with unrequited crushes for my entire life.

It didn't have to be any different with Chase now, just because we'd sucked each other off.

"I had no idea that's how you two got together," I said to Shawn across the table. "Was Nathan upset that you got together with his best friend?"

Shawn shook his head. "Nah. Not exactly," he said. "I was scared shitless to tell him, but we're all like one big, happy, foul-mouthed family now."

"I can imagine."

"Thanks for meeting me here," Shawn said, reaching down to his work bag to grab a stack of paperwork. He slapped it down on the table, laying it all out, and then pulled out an iPad and opened up a blueprint rendering on it. "I'm excited to show you this stuff. The plans for the backyard are my particular favorite. Our new landscaper Sawyer is going to make your place look like a dream."

"I've been waiting for the backyard part of the renovation," I said. "Can't wait to see it."

Shawn showed me 2d blueprints as well as some 3d renderings of options for the backyard. Every single one of them was gorgeous, with a sunken area in the back for a hot tub and fire pit and a more elevated area for a grill. One of the options included more stone, and the other two featured more plants and natural landscaping.

"You guys are wizards with this stuff," I said. "I have no idea how I'm going to choose."

"That's a good thing, and it means we've done our job right," Shawn said. "You don't have to choose just yet, and it would probably be better if you choose on camera, too."

"Right," I said. "People love seeing the options."

"And we will showcase them in your episode, for sure," Shawn said. "We just got the hardware in yesterday and it looks really cool. Retro and modern at the same time, just how you like it. We're heading back to your place tomorrow for the final phases of the kitchen."

"Tomorrow. For some reason I thought it was in two days." I swallowed and involuntarily, my knee started bouncing.

That meant that Chase would be back in my house again tomorrow. After not speaking with him for the last few days, that was even more nerve wracking than ever.

"You got it," Shawn said. "Did you see the email about the dinner with Emmett Waycott this Friday, by the way? The marketing guy?"

I vaguely remembered an email from this morning talking about dinner in a ludicrously fancy restaurant.

"I saw it briefly, but I figured I was sent that email by mistake," I said. "That's meant to be you guys and Emmett, right?"

Shawn's eyes widened. "Oh, no. Emmett specifically requested that you be there for the dinner."

I furrowed my brow. "Really?"

"He said he really hit it off with you," Shawn said. "He said if he's going to be making the Fixer Brothers his biggest client, he wants a good idea of how our clients feel about us and interact with us."

I sat back in the leather booth, suddenly feeling like I had a mobile spinning around in my head.

"You can just tell him I'm very happy with your services," I said. "I really don't think he needs to waste his money on bringing me out to dinner. Doesn't that place charge, like, three hundred dollars per person?"

Shawn clicked his tongue. "It's the nicest restaurant in Denver," he said. "It might even be more expensive than that, after drinks and dessert."

"Good Lord," I said.

Shawn smiled. "Chase had the same reaction. He called me up today saying that he's ‘not worthy' of a restaurant that fancy and that they're going to kick him out for having the blue streak in his hair."

I glanced up. "Chase is coming?"

Shawn nodded. "Emmett also wanted at least one person from the film crew. He said he also got along well with Chase, and they bonded over cameras, or something."

My mind ran wild with the possibilities. The idea of going to a place that fancy for dinner was intimidating, mostly for the social aspects rather than the posh environment.

But if Chase would be there, that changed things. Would he sit next to Emmett, flirting all night? Would he head home with Emmett, even? Chase had said that Emmett wasn't his type, but I knew how those types of things could fall by the wayside after a little bit of conversation.

Not that I was jealous, or anything.

Besides, seeing Chase in a ritzy place might be interesting on its own.

"I'll go," I told Shawn.

"Hell yes," he said. "You'll enjoy yourself, I promise. The food is going to be killer."

Shawn and I turned back to more plans for the guest bathroom in the house, but I was distracted as we talked things over. I still couldn't stop bouncing my leg, and I bit at my bottom lip as Shawn tried to explain different options for bathroom sinks.

"You okay, Adam?" Shawn asked after I'd zoned out for a moment, thinking about Chase.

"Sorry," I said automatically, pulling in a quick breath. "You were talking about a raised sink?"

"I'm more concerned about you right now, to be honest," Shawn said. "You seemed so chill until I brought up the dinner. If you really don't want to go, we can just tell Emmett you can't make it."

"No, no," I said. "It's not that."

Shawn cocked his head to one side, keeping his eyes on me. "What's up, then? What's bugging you?"

I felt uneasy having him look at me like that. This was exactly the kind of social stuff I wasn't good at. Shawn was a really nice person, and he really was just trying to be kind to me, checking in on me because I seemed "off."

But I didn't know what to say.

I sure as hell wasn't going to blurt out what was going on in my mind: for fuck's sake, I'm just way too into a guy that I can't have. And, oh yeah, he's also one of the main camera operators on your TV show, and we filmed very explicit videos the other day.

"Hey, love," a voice came from beside the table. Rush appeared at our side, leaning in to press a kiss to Shawn's lips. "How's it going, guys?"

Shawn and Rush got caught up in a conversation for a minute, and I got a much-needed chance to hang back.

"You doing well?" Rush asked me before heading back behind the bar. "Need any food, snacks?"

"I'm doing great," I said. "The brewery is nice at this time of day."

He smiled. "Still another few hours before this place is filled with drinkers and dancers and fuckboys. Enjoy the rest of your meeting, I'll get out of your hair."

I turned back to Shawn as Rush walked off. "I have a question," I told Shawn.

"Lay it on me."

"What exactly is a fuckboy?"

Shawn nodded thoughtfully. "Kind of like a player, but less in-your-face about it. A guy who just wants hookups, no strings attached. Maybe a guy who kind of charms you, and you start getting feelings for him, but then he backs off quickly."

I swallowed. It sounded like he was describing Chase, exactly.

I remembered one of the embarrassing Youtube videos I'd watched a few months back, all about tips and tricks to help with social confidence. Just like the articles, the video had said that one of the tips was to get a little bit vulnerable with acquaintances, telling them how you felt about things.

Shawn really did seem concerned about me. So maybe I could tell him at least a smidgen of the truth.

"I see," I said. "Well, um, that's what I've been nervous about."

"Fuckboys?"

I nodded. "I'm totally fine going to the dinner on Friday. But I think I just have a fuckboy in my life, and I'm really nervous about that."

"Ahh," Shawn said, sitting back in the booth and putting his arms up on the top of the leather. "So you're thinking about personal stuff, not anything to do with the renovation. That makes me feel a little better."

I sure as hell wasn't going to mention that it definitely had something to do with the renovation.

I breathed deep, trying to choose my words carefully. "I recently had some… interactions with a fuckboy, and I'm not used to it, I guess. I don't want to get anything confused."

"You don't want to develop feelings?"

"Right," I said.

Fuck. This was exactly the kind of conversation I'd heard the other Fixer Brothers guys chatting about dozens of times now, during breaks on the show or when they were busy sledgehammering. It was a completely appropriate conversation for two guys to be having, but for some reason I felt so awkward.

"I've got you," Shawn said. "The first rule is, never get a crush on a fuckboy."

Checkmate.

Already screwed that one up.

"Okay," I said. "Any other rules?"

"Well, if you really think he's unavailable, don't let him get into your heart," Shawn continued. "Fuckboys are usually really charming. Is yours a charmer?"

My heart squeezed in my chest. "Big time," I said. "He's probably the most charming person I've met in years."

"Oof," Shawn said. "Then you've got to guard yourself against those charms. Easier said than done."

"Right."

"The last rule, I guess, is the best one," Shawn said. "Just have fun. Don't let yourself think it'll be serious, or permanent. Because it probably won't be. But if you play your cards right, you can have a ton of fun before both of you move on."

"You're good at this," I told Shawn. "I'm going to be completely honest, I feel like a fish out of water, talking to anyone about anything remotely personal."

"Don't sweat it," he said. "I'm so happy to talk it out with you. I struggled a lot before I admitted my feelings for Rush, too. It's good to have people to talk to."

I scratched the back of my head. "I've kept to myself for my whole life. But I'm starting to think you're right."

"Anytime, Adam. Really."

We wrapped up our meeting in another half hour, and I drove back home thinking about everything Shawn had said. I felt like I was in a daze as I drove through the afternoon light that filtered through the pine trees.

It had been liberating to talk to someone else about my inner world, but it was also surreal.

Shawn hadn't made fun of me.

He hadn't laughed.

He hadn't even backed off, telling me that I was being weird.

It was like my childhood had conditioned me into expecting bad results at every turn, when in reality, it just wasn't true. The people in my life really were supportive and friendly. They weren't going to judge me for what I said, and they sure as hell weren't the bullies I remembered from when I was a young kid and a teenager.

They respected me, actually.

And I really respected them.

When I got home, I made my way to my home office and plopped down in my chair, relaxing into it.

I turned on my computer, opened up my email and my heart skipped a beat. The message at the top was from Chase.

The message I'd been waiting on for days.

Adam, I've got something good for you. Let me know what you think. If you ask me, it's your best work yet. God, you're hot. Xx, Chase

My heart was thumping in my chest as I looked down at the two attachments on the email: two videos.

He'd finally edited them.

And as I sat back and watched them, I knew I was in way too deep.

I was at least following one of Shawn's rules about fuckboys: I was having a whole lot of fun.

But I was also breaking the other rules like it was my damn job. Because watching these videos didn't just turn me on all over again—it also gave me that tug of desire, all over again, for Chase. Even the flirty way he'd written the email gripped at my heart strings.

I was just going to have to live with it. Another crush I had to ignore, like I'd had to before.