Chapter Twelve

1. Paragraph begins with: Or…I can try to get a different job.

Alexis:Very proud of a fictional person I invented right now.

2. Paragraph begins with: He tells me how being a doctor wasn't his dream, either.

Alexis:Sorry, Toby. That's a nope.

3. Paragraph begins with: "Would you… Do you think…

Alexis:So, this scene, huh?

I know I've spoken/written about this a lot, but something I kind of feel very personally resistant to as a writer and, err, as a person is this idea of sexual act escalation.

Like you start with kissing and end with anal.

Or you start with flogging and end with, um, something even kinkier.

So basically I didn't want Laurie and Toby's sexual relationship to feel like it moved up a hierarchy of kinky to more kinky. And while I definitely did want it to become more intimate (as well it should as they get to know each other better and fall in love), I didn't want intimacy to be communicated by what they did. So much as how they did it.

All of which is to say, that's why you're getting a flogging scene, an opening salvo for some kinky books, at the end of the story. Is it as notable as lemon meringue pie and an anal hook? Probably not. But it's an act of deep personal intimacy to Laurie and Toby.

4. Paragraph begins with: So I take that, the deerskin, some cuffs and snap hooks…

Alexis:I like to think as the book progresses we see Toby (with Laurie's help) grow increasingly confident with his kinks—not just what he's into, but what he's not into. And now we've reached this moment, where he's able to dispense with the status symbol of fancy ropework for the utility of cuffs with no insecurity whatsoever.

5. Paragraph begins with: Then I let him go, and that's a kind of power too…

Alexis:I think this might be a "you're on your own there, Hall" thing, but I really wanted to explore Toby's differing experiences of sexual power across the book as a whole. I think because a lot of books tend to focus on the sub's experiences relative to the dom's, there's sometimes a sense that power in this context can be quite a cold or aggressive force. And maybe some people do, in fact, feel cold and aggressive when they're beating on someone they've tied up. Obviously there are times when Toby is gleeful and sadistic and merciless, but I also wanted to show occasions when exercising his dominance makes him soft and thankful and romantic. Because I think sharing this kind of connection with someone is like any other connection: exhilarating, varied, and, frankly, humbling.

6. Paragraph begins with: Anyway, I can't find it because all his ties suck…

Alexis:I have a real weakness as a writer and a reader for incidents like this. Like, obviously, the same tie would have offered, you know, parallelism, a callback, whatever. But instead Toby can't find it so just moves on. Because life…sex…love…whatever doesn't have to be perfect to be wonderful.

7. Paragraph begins with: The thing that kind of shakes me a bit is not so much what I'm doing…

Alexis:I didn't want to over-emphasise this because, well, I didn't want either Toby or anyone else to feel guilty about their sexual behaviour. But I did want to pause and give the moment weight. Because physically striking someone, even someone who has consented to it, even if it's for their pleasure, is not an easy thing or a light thing. Even if you like it. Hell, especially if you like it.

8. Paragraph begins with: It's crazy because even though I'm crying everywhere, I'm not sad.

Alexis:Once again, this was me wanting to allow space for the dominant to have emotions. I honestly wish there was more space for this in general.

9. Paragraph begins with: And then I stand again and wait…

Alexis:Buuut I also didn't want those emotions to feel like they existed in opposition to dominance. Like, Toby can be crying and still in control. There's no rule that says he can't be. Just toxic ideas surrounding what counts as weakness and what counts as strength.